dsbs1939 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Ah...the holidays...ugh!!! I am in my mid-thirties, trying to find that special someone (straight women looking for straight man, monogomous, LTR thing). My aunt, my mother's older sister seems to take perverse enjoyment in humiliating me and always asking me if I have a boyfriend, or when I am going to get married. At the last family get-together she expressed her worry that I would become an old maid. Even my cousin, who is five years my junior, she was engaged in 96, married in 98, divorced in 2000, and now engaged again and will be going down the aisle again this spring, says that while her last marriage broke down, at least she was married. Now, my mom just told me that my aunt recently expressed her concern that I may be a lesbian. I'm not a lesbian, nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but I'm not. Wouldn't you think she would be trying to help me find someone, instead of hurting me? Why do people say such hurtful things?I want to say something to her, but what...I want to duck tape her mouth, and then rip the tape off really quick...(sorry...) Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I want to duck tape her mouth, and then rip the tape off really quick works for me! *sigh* there are always going to be those relatives who ask "why why why" until you just want to pop them a good one in the mouth so they'll shut the hell up. The next time your aunt asks about the lack of SO, tell her you're waiting for when God is ready to send you the right one. If that doesn't shut her up, ask sweetly why it's so important to her -- just turn the tables on her nastiness and focus on her her her! My guess is that she eggs you on because she knows it bothers you, but would turn tail the minute you met her head on, because bullies don't like being bullied in return. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Since she thinks so anyway - next time she says something just tell her that you did finally meet the right woman and plan on settling down in 8 to 10 when she gets out. Then walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 my theory on realtive abuse, is that no matter what they say, you will still be related to them, there by giving some of them the reasoning that they can say things that are mean and not nice only because they "love you". Plus what are you going to do punch out your aunt probolby not.(in a lot of families anyways) Plus it is usually always about things they think they have more experience in, and they are only trying to help you...but make themselves look better too since they have been there done that. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Ahh, family, where would we be without them? The "when will you marry" remarks should just be greeted with a mysterious smile and the answer, "When I find someone as wonderful as Uncle Bill." The lesbian gossip should be confronted, calmly but directly. Get your aunt in private and tell her that her gossip hurts you and you are asking her to stop. No need to rub other people's affairs and divorces in their faces, but I'm sure you take secret pleasure in knowing about all the marital dysfunction present in your extended family. Do whatever it takes to keep cool. As you know from your playground days, the more reaction they get, the more they keep it up. Usually it is good for family to help you find someone, but I'm not sure I'd trust this crew. Link to post Share on other sites
dsbs1939 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 My aunt has been making little comments and trying to tell me what to do since I was ten years old. This is just a part of an ongoing battle that has been going for a very, very, long time. I think it is all about control. She is a relative that has always lived a little bit farther away than the rest and consequently I do not see very often, maybe twice or three times a year, yet she is the one by her catty comments and "advice" tries to control me...I really do not see her doing this to the rest of my cousins. My mother thinks it is because she really is angry at her and has unresolved issues with her but takes it out on me. I know she has control issues with her own kids, and my oldest cousin, her son, has a less than ideal relationship with her. When I was a teenager she would make comments like "you would be so pretty if..." and questioned how I dressed, what kinds of shoes I wore, blah, blah, blah...it was all pretty surface stuff, never stuff like, "why aren't you doing better in algerbra?"now a couple years ago, she actually told me how attractive I am, but then it is followed by these nasty comments about my sexual orientation and/or looming spinsterness. SoleMate says, "the more reaction they get, the more they keep it up," but I have never answered her back, I have always been the polite dutiful niece, and every few years she is just finding a new topic. Ten years ago I really let my other aunt have it when I heard about some nasty comments about my mother, and that seemed to shut her up. I am wondering if I should do the same with my other aunt. My mom would agree with SoleMate and speak to her calmly yet directly. When my mother told me the spinster/lesbian stuff you should have seen the stuff flying in the livingroom, my mom was scared, the dog was scared, don't worry nobody was hurt but a couple of her stupid Xmas presents were destroyed in the process. Oh yeah, she always buys me tons of presents for Xmas but puts me down...explain this behavior?!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I cannot believe you have never answered her back. How is she supposed to know it bothers you if you don't tell her? Yes, in an ideal world she would be a sensitive understanding person who would know that she shouldn't say what she says - but you have never given her any indication that it bothers you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Clearly she's not all that insightful to be able to figure it out for herself. Did she take a mind-reading course???? You should have dealt with this years ago. Next time she says anything like that to you, tell her in no uncertain terms that she has hurt your feelings and that all her comments over the years have always hurt your feelings and made you feel really terrible. Then tell her that you will not put up with them any more and, every time she says something like that, you will point it out. Communication is necessary in EVERY relationship, not just romantic ones. Link to post Share on other sites
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