Greedy family

[Michi]

My grandfather died 4 years ago from cancer. It was a very stressful time for me, constantly going into the hospital and seeing him getting worse and worse. Then he died, and the funeral came.

 

 

It has been over 4 years ago, but I still remember the funeral as if it happened today. My brother and I were sitting at the door, waiting with the guest sign in as people came to his funeral. My grandfather was a man loved by many, yet because he was so old when he died most of his friends had already passed on. However, my family, not my immediate my relatives, were no where to be found. Out of about 50 of them in the city only about 3 of them came. I was furious, and can never ever forgive them because they were all there when he was alive and giving away all his valuables but were non-existent when we were saying goodbye to him. My mother says that I am being angry unfairly and that I need to get over it, but I know she was hurt too.... How should I cope with this? IT still haunts me when I see them, yet it is in the Japanese way not to be conforntational... Please comment...

[Tony T]

Funerals are a very strange thing. Goodbyes should be said when a person is alive. Once dead, the spirit is severed from the body, which remains as an inanimate container which once held life but is pretty useless thereafter.

 

A funeral has many purposes. They are different from culture to culture. These days, with rising expenses, many bodies are cremated and only a memorial service is held. In any case, it is said that these ritual gatherings are to pay respect to the dead and the family of the deceased and to bring closure.

 

Each person mourns in his own individual way. Some seem not to even care, yet they are quite sorrowful deep down. Some prefer to stay in denial, as if the person has not passed away.

 

Nobody is obligated to attend funerals and it should not be held against them if they don't. Many handle loss very poorly. Some feel very awkward and uncomfortable facing others and having to make light conversation at funeral gatherings. Some don't have the appropriate clothing to attend and can't afford to purchase it, yet they won't tell you so. There are many personal, private reasons why some don't attend funerals and those should be respected.

 

As long as you personally were served by the funeral and got from it what you needed, that's all that counts. Don't judge other people for not attending. No matter what their reasons for not coming, I'm sure they were valid. They did not have to be there. Don't go out of your way to upset yourself about what other people did or didn't do. They exercized their God-given free will and that's all they needed to do. You have no say in that.

 

As a matter of fact, if there's any way I can avoid being at my own funeral, I will hasten to do so.

[Patty]

Funerals are a hard time for anybody.I remember my grandfathers funeral felt really awkward and shocking like I didnt want to believe it was him.It was the hardest thing I ever went through.Im kind of over it but around the holidays I get sad cause he always would be with us on the holidays.

 

You will always have it on your mind but in time it does get better.I know how hard it is.My grandfathers funeral was an awkard time for me cause my fathers friend that was close to my grandfather died on the same day.So it was really exhausting for me cause I went to both wakes in the same week.My fathers friend crashed into a courthouse up 70 feet in the air after he tried to help my grandfather.People think he may have watched my grandfather die and it flipped him out so much that he wasnt thinking and that was what did it.In my opinion I believe thats what really happened.

 

I dont think that anyone likes going to funerals.As Tony says many feel awkward and uncomfortable facing others.And that is very true cause I felt like that many times when my second aunt and uncle passed on last year.I just didnt feel like going.I said to myself "I been through this enough when my grandfather died." And I dont want to put myself through that."And I wasnt really close with them.So I think many people avoid it cause funerals itself are very hard and very sad and alot of people cant deal with that.It just isnt a place many people want to be and its very understandable.

 

Patty

[flower]

Hi Michi, hope you can put that episode behind you and embrace the beauty of Japan. Don't play that scene over and again as it does not do you any good, you cannot control others' behaviour. Live in the present - I plan to go Niigata in summer and maybe Kyushu end of year. Hope you will enjoy the warm weather these days like me here in Tokyo! Btw, you don't seem to have a private message facility.

[quankanne]

Patty's got a good point when she said that many people avoid funerals because they are very hard and very sad, because many people just can't deal with that. For me, it's the wakes that are hard -- I don't mind going to someone's funeral, or to a rosary and praying for them and their family, but it just gets a little too creepy thinking "now I've got to go look at this corpse, and this is how I'm going to last remember this person." Frankly, I just prefer to skip that part (the viewing) so I can remember them as they were alive. Doesn't do a hell of a lot for closure, but it works for me ...

 

it's always so important to pay your respects when someone dies, but I think that a lot of people would rather know that their friends/family came to see them as much as they could before they died, rather than feel that the only thing that will bring someone around again is their funeral. There are a lot of people who are very good at showing up for family funerals, but refuse to take the time to visit family while they still have a chance to do so. To me, that's just so sad.

 

Someone else pointed out that there are many reasons why people don't go to funerals, and a lot of them have to do with economics, and they chose to spend that time and money focusing on the person while they're still alive because to them, it just makes more sense.

 

******

 

The book "Tuesdays with Morrie" does an admirable job about dealing with the subject of death, and I highly recommend it. While it might not immediately solve your dilemma of dealing with anger of people missing out on your grandpa's death, it gives you another perspective about the value of life and jettisoning the unimportant stuff that weighs you down so that you can focus on what's important.

[steffany]

I loved the book Tuesdays with Morrie! I think it would be great to read at a time like this also.

 

Just remember that it is easier and less stressful to live life without anger. Keep in mind you choose to hold on to or let go of anger and resentment and sorrow. You can either make this life a happy one and learn to forgive them or make this life heavy and full of extra burdens.

 

Find inner peace with yourself about your grandfather passing. You cannot controle how others greive just how you handle it.