In the middle of severe depression and feeling mistreated by brother over it

[thapa]

Hello,

In brief my situation is as follows. I am 25 yrs male, well educated and holding a good job in hand. I am suffering from depression since the last 8

years. It has become recently. I cant concentrate, loose interest to do anything, feel bored all the time. I feel mentally week and sensitive, get anxious for little things. I seem to be suffering from all the problems in the world:(.

 

This post is not about depression, its over my relationship with my brother regarding depression. I feel very bad over the way my brother has mistreated me over this. This has caused my already eroded mind

lot of emotional pain and developed into another depression pushing me further down into a horribly pathetic state of mind with no peace but pain all the time:(

 

To elaborate on this, firstly my small family. Its just me, my mother and my brother whos married. Hes also well educated, very intelligent and has a good job. My mother lives in my native country but keeps visiting often. My brother and I stay in the states very far apart. I am not married and have never been in a relationship. I am a little shy on this, but its more because of cultural, religious reasons. In my current state I dont think I can start a new relationship.

As I said right now I am suffering from seveare depression. I was shy to speak about it and it has lived with me for 8 years. I dont have any close friends.

 

But recently a year back during my graduate studies I felt a lot of stress and decided to come out and speak about depression to someone.

The only persons I could talk to were either my mother or my brother whos 5 years elder to me. I was hesitant to speak about it to my mother since shes very sensitive and innocent. Now she knows abt it, but if I speak to her she starts crying. Also she has some medical problems. So I didnt want to talk to her. So the only person left was my brother. Till now we're really on good terms as brothers caring and loving each other. I always admired him and even thought of him as a role model. When our father died I was just in teens, he had just got a job and he looked after and cared me and my mother very well. He even lent loan to me for my graduate studies. Since I thought he was my well wisher and we were so close, I decided to talk to him about my depression.

 

Initially he spoke to me very nicely, caring, consoled me and kind of offered to support me emotionally to deal with my depression. He even contacted a psychologist friend of his on this. But in later phone calls he seemed different.

1) He was less compassionate and even told me I had been calling him too often, disturbing him and depending on him for support.

 

2) He would speak casually, rudely, even mock me and talk as if depression was my fault. My mind has become weak and sensitive because of depression, I cant tolerate when someone talks to me rudely. But the same thing if told in patient, good words I can take it and I never feel bad.

I told this many times to him, but no use.

 

3) When I talk about depression, he talks as if taking me granted like didnt care about my problem. He is impatient, disinterested to listen me and breaks me in the middle, then I feel bad and I start telling things again. He would interrupt again. Because of all this chaos I would feel really pained and sometimes pain would turn into anger, and this at times led to very lengthy phone calls where we were just arguing and fighting instead of talking sense.

 

4) He tells I shoudnt talk to him about depression. Hes not a doctor, go to a doctor. Hes helpless and indirectly tells NO to emotional support.

 

5) Then I visited him for sometime during semester break. I wanted to speak to him about depression. But even after one week, he never asked me once how my depression was doing. He didnt care. Then one day I became emotional and spoke to him about it. He again spoke impatiently and casually, I was pained and very soon pain turned into anger and there was small verbal fight. It ended and I apologized for creating a scene.

After that he and his wife both developed a very bad impression on me and began to see me as a trouble maker. After that we both went for a camping trip where I fell ill. he would mock me that I am frail and cant walk. I would feel bad, but didnt speak much. During the later days I would speak to him calmly about how I was feeling by the way he was treating me. Again he hardly seemed interested. Being impatient would speak like 'Pls finish whatever u want to tell fast'

 

After that without much trouble I left them. Later my mom came from my native country to stay with my brother for sometime. Again at school I began to feel a lot of stress and once called him again. Again he seemed impatient and spoke rudely and I felt very pained. Then he would not pickup any of my phone calls. So I began to write emails telling him how I feel about the way he speaks to me. He wouldnt reply to any of them. I felt bad at being ignored. Feeling more pained I once sent such an email to his wife. Before that she had been a good friend to me and even once called me and spoke to me about my depression and asked me to call her if he needed any help. I just told her the same that I was feeling very bad at the way he was treating me. I didnt get any reply and after that he blocked my phone number everywhere, I couldnt reach his cell or my sister-in-law's cell or house phone. I didnt realize this at first. He didnt even tell this to my mom. Later when I called him though a friend, I realized what he had done and there was a angry outburst. I felt really taken for granted, disrespected and humiliated. Upon that he would defend that saying I was troubling him and his wife sending emails to her and thats why he blocked my

phone. They started avoiding me at all costs. Then after my mom interfered he removed the blocking.

 

6) If this was not enough the relationship detriorated even further when I expressed interest to visit him again after I finish my studies before joining the new job. My main intention was to see my mother after one and half years. If I miss seeing her now, I would not be able to see her for one more year. Unfortunately at that time, he was under the threat of loosing the job. He was under tension. So he thought I would come here to cause more trouble and rejected to the idea of me coming there. I felt bad, all I wanted was to be able to see my mom, I promised him no to speak of depression when I stay there. He didnt listen to me and kept on avoiding me. Later I thought enough was enough, I just called up my mother and said I am coming there to see her. So against his wishes I went there. Though he let me into the house he hardly spoke to me in the first couple of days. He was still in the tension about his job security. I also didnt speak about depression. In the later days his job tension was over. He began to speak to me normally, but never ever asked me how my mental health was?. He didnt care. Then later I only spoke and told I am sorry if I have spoken for long troubling him and also also I felt very bad at the way he has treated me He kind of acknowledged that he was wrong, but that was again casual, just for the sake. He again seemed disinterested and impatient to listen to me Was never serious and listened to just for the sake. He spoke of his rude behavior to me as if it were a minor issue, just giving some excuses and never felt serious or apologetic of it. He just didnt care, he was casual like it was none of his business.

 

After this, I started with new job. Though lot of times, now I am feeling stressed and want to talk to someone, I never called. Currently theres no break off in our relationship. We still talk but only general stuff. Again hes never asked me how my health was doing? and he speaks as if everything is fine. But inside I feel a lot of emotional pain over the way he has treated me. I keep feeling bad about it and my constant fight with my brother

over the actual depression has developed into one more depression. Turned away by a loved one I feel humiliated and betrayed. Because of two depressions I feel a lot of stress.

 

Before I work on depression, I want something to be done over my relationship with my brother. Being taken for granted, mocked, humiliated and treated so lowly I dont feel like speaking to him at all on anything. I feel theres no meaning to relationships when your loved ones dont offer any emotional support to you when in need and above it treat you so bad. It feels like I should just break off from him atleast for sometime. I've talked to him enough on the pain I've feel because of him, everytime hes arrogant, casual and defends his actions of not supporting me in any way (emotionally). I dont think he will change on that. Many times I've threatened it but havent doen it. On the other hand given that I am already so sensitive and depressed I fear a family break off when I dont have any other family or friends could be too hard to cope mentally and also my mother whos alone would feel bad.

 

In the midst of a loosing fight with my brother my actual depression seems to have been forgotten. It has taken a backseat. Because of this stress, chaos I am deteriorating even further and loosing hope and interest to rectify my actual depression whichs very severe. I feel sad, lost and isolated thinking about it:(. Depression after depression is taking a heavy toll on me emotionally and also affecting my productivity at worklife and everywhere:(.

 

I dont think my brother is a bad person. When talking about normal stuff he talks to me well, but the moment I speak of depression he avoids me. All I was expecting from him was love, understanding, moral and emotional support for me to get through depression which has taken a heavy toll on me. He mistakes me asking for emotional support as asking him to solve the problem. He tells theres no use me talking to him about depression since hes not the doctor and he cant solve it. Its my problem and hes helpless.

I am tired of telling him, all I want is emotional support, love and care and few good comforting words. He just thinks mechanically. He doesnt have any serious mind to listen to me and hes always impatient and casual. He tells me 'Come to me when you have solved your depression problem'

Its like I will be with you only for good times, not bad times. If he was correct about everyone minding their own business even it comes to

things like emotional support then why should the idea of familial relationships exist where loved ones mutually emotionally care, support each other at times of both happiness and sadness? Am I wrong?

 

I am going down and down by the day. Can anyone suggest what I should do about my relationship with my brother?

Is my brother correct in his onion of isolating me at times of difficulty?

Should we both go for counseling?

 

Thanks

Thapa

[Ronni_W]

Hi Thapa, and welcome to LoveShack.

It's unfortunate that you've allowed a health problem to impact you so severely for 8 years, without getting proper professional care for yourself.

 

The crux of the problem is not your relationship with your brother. It seems that you've been expecting your brother to fill a role for which he does not have the proper education and personal resources. He actually has been doing you a favour by not allowing himself to be your emotional "crutch".

 

When you seek the help of a professional therapist and start to feel better about yourself, your relationship with your brother will improve because you will stop putting unreasonable expectations on him and will be able to have a MUTUALLY loving and supportive relationship. You are siblings, and it is as much your role to be able to offer him empathy and understanding when he needs it.

 

You are an adult, and your mental, emotional and physical health are your responsibility, and yours alone. It would be inappropriate for your brother to act like a "pretend therapist" -- he doesn't have the knowledge or skills to really help you. He also has his own responsibilities and obligations to deal with, including his wife/family, career, etc.

 

It does not sound as if your brother needs counseling. In fact, he seems to have good awareness of his limitations and boundaries. He is not a mental health care professional, and that is what you need if you do want to get well.

 

I'd strongly urge you to get the health care that you need, so that you can come out of your depression and start to create your own happy and successful life. Consult with your medical doctor to find out what types of therapy will best suit you.

 

If you do choose not to get help, the responsibility for your health and well-being still does not shift to your brother, your mom, or anyone else. As adults, we are each responsible for ourselves and will face the consequence of our own choices and actions/inactions. It is up to you to take action on your own behalf, and to live with the repercussions if you don't.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[SierraRose]

I agree 100%. Depression is not pretty, and no one but a professional has the ability to assist you. I recommend finding a Mental Health group that has both psychiatrists and counselors that work in conjunction with each other. A counselor will listen and teach you coping mechanisms. A psychiatrist will help with medication, if needed. They compare notes and work as a team to hep you combat depression. The most important thing is finding a diagnosis regarding your mental health and proper medication.

[thapa]

Ronni_W, thanks for the comments. Yes I definitely agree with you that I shouldnt become emotionally 'dependent' on him or anyone n instead its fully my responsibility to contact a doctor soon and work on it. I never expect him to fill in the role of my therapist because hes not a doctor. However I dont fully agree with you (correct me if I am wrong) that in such cases relatives have absolutely no role to play. At school I temporaraly was in touch with a school therapist, he also told its all my responsibility but also told it will be helpful if close relatives offer some emotional support to the depressed through the recovery process.

 

All I am expecting is very minimal of it. By emotional support I just wish he atleast has a basic understanding, awareness of my mental state and whenever I call him being stressed n anxious he patiently listens to me and speaks to me in good, loving, caring words and nothing beyond that. I also respect his limitations, responsibilities etc. I dont want to call him everyday and tell my sad story for hours. At times when I feel stressed up I do feel if I talk to someone just for five mins I would feel good. If you just talk to someone at that time I beleive it relieves anxiety, stress. I dont think thats bad.

I dont consider that as emotional 'dependency'. If I call him everyday and hold him hostage for hours then I would consider it as unreasonable 'dependency' and disturbance. I would like to draw a line between 'dependency' (whichs bad) and 'minimal emotional support' (which feels good).

 

I just wish I receive that very minimal love and care within his boundaries. If he cant offer such basic, minimal support then atleast he should keep quiet. What has really hurt me is the way he speaks to me impatiently, rudely about my depression when I call him. He doesnt know a damn bit about my state, yet comments casually about it, sometimes even ridicules even telling I am acting as depressed:(. Also just because I left his wife an emotional email that I was feeling hurt by his behaviour he blocks my phone number which prevents me from talking to my mother. All such repeated harsh reactions, humiliations and constant fights over my actual depression overtime have become too difficult for my already week mind to bear and has caused a lot of pain and mental scars which seem difficult to erase and thats why I feel bad about it and its kind of developed into a second depression:(

I dont feel thats the way one should talk with a depressed person. All that was needed was little patience and calmness while talking, reacting.

 

Meanwhile about my actual depression I am initiating seeing a doctor.

 

Tnx

Thapa

[thapa]

SierraRose,

Thanks a lot for the input. Ya even the therapist at school also suggested meeting both. I was thinking of meeting a therapist first and then a psychiatrist. Yes they can work as a team if theyr associated with same facility. Do u have any referrals for such reputed mental health centers in New York area. Tnx

[Ronni_W]

Thapa,

Congrats on taking the first step towards overcoming the depression from which you're suffering

Yes, of course, having a personal support network is extremely beneficial. But again, that cannot be just one person -- it is also up to you to develop a circle of friends so that you're not just relying on your brother.

Initially he spoke to me very nicely, caring, consoled me and kind of offered to support me emotionally to deal with my depression. He even contacted a psychologist friend of his on this.

It sounds as if your brother was quite willing to be a part of your healing but obviously something stopped working for him, in his relationship with you. There are any number of reasons for that, and you would have contributed to the failure.

 

My guess -- and it is just a guess -- is that once you start taking care of your own needs, then your brother may feel more inclined to offer you the occasional additional support that you need.

 

I would suggest that you can start calling him and NOT talk about your own problems...show an interest in his life, what he's been up to, how things are going for him and his wife/family. As well, ask him what he needs from you in terms of YOUR friendship and support.

Then let him know that you're getting help, and ASK if he would mind being part of personal support team and, TOGETHER, figure out ways that will work for BOTH of you.

 

Very best of luck with your therapy...and repairing your relationship with your brother.

[2sure]

It sounds as though your family, your brother have lost patience with you. From your post, this has been going on for years. You desperately want to talk to your brother about your depression. Your brother went so far as to find a psychotherapist for you, but you haven't gone. You just want to talk about it. Not do anything. He is frustrated.

 

Possibly you are overwhelmed, but really you have to be proactive for yourself here. You have focused on this lack of communication from your brother...but what else can he do? Its possible that if he knew for sure you were getting treatment he would stop feeling so frustrated and impatient with your conversations.

 

You cannot , as you say, solve the problem with your brother FIRST - then go to therapy. You are laying a lot on his doorstep. You are depressed and in need of help. Your entire post focusing solely on your brother's treatment of you. He cannot fix this, he cannot talk to you further about it. Its up to you now.

[thapa]

Thapa,

 

I would suggest that you can start calling him and NOT talk about your own problems...show an interest in his life, what he's been up to, how things are going for him and his wife/family. As well, ask him what he needs from you in terms of YOUR friendship and support.

Then let him know that you're getting help, and ASK if he would mind being part of personal support team and, TOGETHER, figure out ways that will work for BOTH of you.

 

I guess thats a good approach. I'll do that way. Thanks:)