pnginsr Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 me and my mum know my dad is cheating, she's too scared to divorce him because he has all the money and she doesnt work. She's so unhappy and sometimes she cries, she's told me to tell anything i see to her. I've seen a porn vid with my dad and anpother woman in it on his phone. i'm too scared to tell my mum because she's so unhappy and she has heart problems and this might push her over the edge, i hate my dad he's been cheating for 10 years according to my mum, and they've had a few confrontations about it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Crap. OK, first off life happens. Dysfunctional families happen, no one gets away clean. I dont know how old you are but I think you should know that you are not alone. Every family has issues, problems and secrets. What to do? This is a problem between your parents. Yes! You are affected, but you have to stop participating. You cannot solve it and it doesn't sound as though they are prepared to. I can see why you find it easier to relate to and sympathize with your Mom...but she has made a mistake in asking you to gather information. The BEST thing you can do for yourself, your mother, and your father is be honest and communicate. Tell them each together or individually if you must: THAT YOU KNOW. THAT YOU ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT IT AND DISAPPOINTED. And tell them this problem between them is affecting your relationship with each of them. Whether anything changes or not ...doing this will be the most helpful and healthiest thing for all. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 pnginsr, I'm sorry that you're stuck in the middle, and for the message that your dad is sending to you and your mom. IMO, that is wise judgment to not tell your mom about the porn vid. I understand your mom's wishes, but it really isn't fair of her to ask you to act like a PI or report to her whatever you may discover in the normal course of business. Depending on your age, is there a school counselor you can talk with, or would you consider seeking the guidance of an individual therapist? It's a lot for you to have to deal with, and you deserve to receive support and understanding for your own feelings. You may also suggest counseling to your mom, so that she can vent her own disappointment, anger, frustration, etc., in an appropriate arena. It's a difficult situation but, as the child (regardless of your age), it's not your responsibility to resolve or "fix" for either of your parents. In any case, you don't have the power, skills or knowledge to do that for other adults. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 me and my mum know my dad is cheating, she's too scared to divorce him because he has all the money and she doesnt work. She's so unhappy and sometimes she cries, she's told me to tell anything i see to her. I've seen a porn vid with my dad and anpother woman in it on his phone. i'm too scared to tell my mum because she's so unhappy and she has heart problems and this might push her over the edge, i hate my dad he's been cheating for 10 years according to my mum, and they've had a few confrontations about it. May I ask how old you are? My advice: Do NOT play detective... do NOT TRY to find out things about his affairs... do NOT tell her what you already find out... This is between your mom and dad... stay out of it. Your mom is very WRONG in putting you in the middle of this. Take care of yourself.. you might hate your dad for what he's doing.. but trust me, this has nothing to do with you.. he probably loves you to pieces.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 this has nothing to do with you.. he probably loves you to pieces.. EXCELLENT point, Lizzie. I'm so glad you mentioned it. pnginsr, I totally agree with Lizzie that your Dad's actions have ZERO to do with how much he loves you and how meaningful you are to him. It's about him, and his own fears and unresolved pain and suffering. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 that said, encourage your mother to start her own personal bank account and to start putting away money. NOT to swipe all his assets, but to put aside a reasonable amount so that if it does come down to divorce, she has some kind of funding. also help her get hooked up with counseling. It might not solve the problem of their dysfunctional marriage, but it'll give her the strength she needs to deal with said problems. the best way to help her is to help her become more independent. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Is there another adult you can go to? This is too much for you to bear. How about a minister or school counselor? Do you have siblings that you can seek support from? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 I agree with Bent... this is waaaayyy too much for a child to handle... He should not be the mother's financial advisor.. nor the mother's counsellor... She is very immature and wrong to put her child in this mess... The father might be a cheater but my bet is that he's probably is a better parent.. We don't know all the story here.. (he might have good reasons to stray) Link to post Share on other sites
Author pnginsr Posted June 24, 2009 Author Share Posted June 24, 2009 i'm 14 years old, she hasnt asked me to poke around, she says if i hear or see anything, i should tell her or say to my dad how much this is hurting my mum, he doesnt know we know Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Lizzie we only agree in that this child needs help. As far as her being wrong, pain doesn't always allow us to think clearly, rationally or without emotion. Fear and grief can make us do things that wouldn't normally do. And as far as dad being a better parent, no parent would hurt the other so much that it does affect the child. There is never a reason for that, no matter what his penis says. Counseling is a must here. It can only get worse without intervention. Sweetie 14 is the age my own child found out. 2 years later we is still dealing with the fallout. It was too much for her to bear. She didn't seek outside help. She told a few friends, but that wasn't enough. You need an adult with more skills to handle other adults. Please, I beg you to look for help to deal with this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Lizzie we only agree in that this child needs help. As far as her being wrong, pain doesn't always allow us to think clearly, rationally or without emotion. Fear and grief can make us do things that wouldn't normally do. And as far as dad being a better parent, no parent would hurt the other so much that it does affect the child. There is never a reason for that, no matter what his penis says. Counseling is a must here. It can only get worse without intervention. Sweetie 14 is the age my own child found out. 2 years later we is still dealing with the fallout. It was too much for her to bear. She didn't seek outside help. She told a few friends, but that wasn't enough. You need an adult with more skills to handle other adults. Please, I beg you to look for help to deal with this situation. I know... I agreed with you only on that point.. I agree with Bent... this is waaaayyy too much for a child to handle... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 I know... I agreed with you only on that point.. I agree with Bent... this is waaaayyy too much for a child to handle... Absolutely. Again, Please get help. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 i'm 14 years old, she hasnt asked me to poke around, she says if i hear or see anything, i should tell her or say to my dad how much this is hurting my mum, he doesnt know we know pnginsr, It would be totally okay if you just tell your dad how much his actions are hurting YOU. And you can ask your mum to express her own feelings to your dad/her husband. That's not your responsibility, to express other people's feelings for them. Not at your age, not at any age. I know your mom is hurting and maybe not thinking straight, but it is important for you to know that your mom is placing an unfair and inappropriate burden on you. You don't deserve this from either of your parents. You deserve for both of them to treat you with love and compassion, and take care of you, and make your world as safe and secure a place as possible. You can tell BOTH of them that. You only need be kind, gentle and respectful when you do. Is there a pastor/priest/rabbi or school guidance counselor in whom you can confide? Big and loving hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
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