Gossips and Family ruining things

[stressman]

This is a bit long so please bear with me. I've been with my girlfreind for 3 1/2 years now. Living together for 2. My family is a very proud immigrant family that always wanted me to find someone from the same background. I mean my Mom is VERY intense about it. Anyway I was single until I was 30 pretty much. I couldn't imagine bringing somebody home to the scutiny.

 

When my girl and I met it was instant relationship. We still really love each other. She's not from the same background so mom wasn't pleased from the start but has at least tried to be open minded. But still, my mother is incredibly critical in general.

 

Anyway, at that time we met I was in a group I'd been hanging out a lot with for a year or so. In that group were some of my very old freinds and some newer people. Of the newer people were some girls who I liked to party and talk with but have never been attracted to. We were just freinds. Well, one of these girls had broken down and professed her love for me before. I couldn't reciprocate and am not at all attracted to her. Truth is I think a few of that group of girls had a thing for me. I hate to sound shallow but these girls were all kinda overwieght and my girl is thin, beautiful and petite so they just might be a tad jeolous.

 

Well here's where it gets ugly. One of those girls is dating one of my best freinds and simply can't stand my girlfreind. She knows my sister as well. So she takes it upon herself to gossip around about my girlfreind to just about everybody. She starts talking trash about my girlfriend to my sister. She crossed the line by going behind my back to my family!!! My girl can't even fart without the world knowing about it. So my sister treats my girl like garbage for over 2 yaers. My mother hears all the same gossip so then the whole grapevine is lit up with this ****.

[Ally Boo]

Really, the only thing you can do, is get away from these friends. They aren't REAL friends anyway. And they have proven it to you. Who cares why, just GET AWAY FROM THEM. You and you gf find some new friends that will accept you for how you are. That is absurd! AHH!!

[midori]

It's hard to see what's going on when you're part of a tight-knit family, one that is in turn part of a closed social group that constitutes most of the people you know and interact with. But I think you need to step back from the situation for a minute and see what's going on: people in your community, and in your family, are hostile toward your girlfriend, apparently for no reason other than she's not "one of them." Are we talking racism here? Ethnic intolerance? Or do they just think she wears too much makeup?

 

How long do you think the unending criticism is going to be tolerated by your gf? She's already stuck it out for quite a while, but will she be willing to endure it forever? Why are you willing to tolerate such behavior from your mother and sister? It certainly doesn't reflect well on them, but moreover it doesn't speak well for you that you're willing to allow family members to be rude to your girlfriend and spread rumors about her.

 

If your family loves you and cares about your happiness, they should be happy to see you with someone who makes you happy. Maybe you need to sit down with your mom and your sister, and explain to them how happy you are with your girlfriend. Tell them that if they're not happy for your happiness, they're going to need to keep it to themselves if they want to have a good relationship with you. Remind them that their first loyalty ought to be to you, not to the people in your community who want to bad-mouth your girlfriend.

 

If your mother is so biased, and so easily duped by others' gossip, how can you take anything she says seriously? Perhaps if you subtly raised that point to your mother, she would see that her campaign against your girlfriend is not only petty and malicious, but makes her look bad. If she thinks that continuing on as she has will cause you to not trust her, to not confide in her, maybe she'll change her tune. Let's face it: other people wouldn't come to tell her bad things about your gf if they didn't think she was a willing audience.

 

Maybe your mother likes the attention she gets in the community by bad-mouthing your gf? Maybe it makes her feel special to be full of fresh complaints that the other prejudiced people she knows eat right up. So she's willing to sacrifice her son's happiness for a little social currency?

 

One way or another, if you love your gf and hope to have a lasting relationship with her, you've got to end this one way or another. Maybe it will mean avoiding your family. If your mother is willing to jeopardize her relationship with her son because of her unwarranted dislike of her son's chosen partner, I have to wonder just what her priorities are. But don't forget what your priorities are.

 

And if you feel that you can't stand up to your family, well, maybe it's time to say goodbye to your girlfriend: it's not fair to subject her to perpetual criticism. Yeah, you could break up with her and start seeing the fat ugly woman who is so bent on having you that she's spreading vicious rumors about your girlfriend. Wouldn't that make your family happy?

[stressman]

Thanks for the insight. It's a complicated situation and hard to put into words. To clear up a couple things first. My mother has been kind to my gf. She may not totally approve but she tries. My father has been totally cool, he's a great guy. My sister has been the main family 'tortuter' in this situation.

 

It's not a race issue per se. It's a cultural/class difference. My family is Ukranian and always expected me to marry another Ukranian. Plus most of my family is college educated with PHDs etc. My gf comes from a broken family that has no history of college education. She speaks differently, say with a southern twang and a different vocabulary etc. She is very intelligent though.

 

She's very forward and brash. It's part of the reason I love her. Though sometimes it's bites her back. It's also one of those things that some people would say a woman shouldn't be. At the beginning she/we made a couple social faux pas but nothing I would consider to be unforgivable.

 

The one woman who's been my sisters 'informer' is dating a freind I've known since 5th grade. My gf and he have been friends since before I met my gf. we don't really see them but once every few weeks anymore anyway. I wonder if the informer may feel threatened my my gf? Who knows.

 

Things have been better the last few months but recently something came up that made me want to get some outside perspective. My gf has had some job trouble over the last 2 years. She was laid off, then temping for a while. Hired for a month then let go because her boss was let go etc. Not a fun scene. She was let go from a job and was unemployed for the last 2 months. She decided we should not to tell my family to avoid the inevitable questioning and harrassment. Plus I didn't want my fam worrying too much. So it seems after this time my mother found out she wasn't working and that we weren't entirely truthful, she wasn't nasty or anything but sounded dissapointed. Anyway it seems my sis heard who then talked to my mom. Sure it may have been a casual conversation but just the shock of it. I know the trouble with lies, even white ones is that they can come around back at you and also hurt the person lied to but still. I can't even deal with my family the way I desire anymore.

 

So I think i'm going to separate my gf from my fam a little bit. Not ask her to go visit them as often. Give everyone some time to think about things. i'm still trying to figure out what to do with my fam. My sis I a tough one. She'll never admit she was wrong and has always been difficult and arguing with her is poinless. She's 40 and single and not too happy about it. Maybe I need to separate myself from the fam a bit too.

[stressman]

"How long do you think the unending criticism is going to be tolerated by your gf? She's already stuck it out for quite a while, but will she be willing to endure it forever? "

 

Ouch, you nailed that one. My gf is on edge these days. We're working on a compromise.

 

"Why are you willing to tolerate such behavior from your mother and sister? It certainly doesn't reflect well on them, but moreover it doesn't speak well for you that you're willing to allow family members to be rude to your girlfriend and spread rumors about her."

 

My mother has been decent to my gf. My sis on a couple occasions has been overtly nastly. One of those times I gave her a big piece of my mind. Usually it's just a general cold shoulder snide kinda thing. As far as allowing the rumors to spread. I can't cut everyones telephone lines now can I? Some people just love to gossip, they usually cause trouble.

[Ally Boo]

It doesn't matter how long you've been friends with this girl. She OBVIOUSLY isn't a REAL friend. I'd lose her...she doesn't deserve your friendship...ESPECIALLY if she is jealous...she's not a friend. You can't be a friend and have feelings for them.

[stressman]

Originally posted by Ally Boo

It doesn't matter how long you've been friends with this girl. She OBVIOUSLY isn't a REAL friend. I'd lose her...she doesn't deserve your friendship...ESPECIALLY if she is jealous...she's not a friend. You can't be a friend and have feelings for them.

 

She dating my old friend. As for her, I had only known her for a year or so when I met my gf.

[Ally Boo]

Well, its still gonna have to work the same way. My best friend's boyfriend doesn't like me for some reason, so we're actually growing apart. This happened with me and another friend before. You need to distance yourself from this other friend.

 

Besides, I'd be mad at my other friend for not telling her what she is doing is rude.

[stressman]

Yeah, it's a sad thing. he and I have knoen each other and been close for 25 years. But he is a kinda limp noodle when it comes to making decisions and standing up for himself or someone. He's been waffling about getting out of that relationship for a couplle years. Myself and others think it would be a good idea. But, I have a rule to never get in the middle of someone else's love life. It only causes more pain in the end.