Troubled mother-daughter relationship

[birdmadgirl]

I'm sorry for the length of this post. For those of you who read it, I thank you in advance.

 

I'm a 32-year-old female with two younger brothers (aged 29 and 19). Our mother raised us with little help from our father (youngest has a different dad). I try to think of ways to put this that doesn't make me sound like a snivelling brat, but really, I'm kind of convinced at this point in my life that our mother doesn't care too much about me or my well-being.

 

I worked for a while to put things from my adolescence out of my head, chalking it all up to the struggles Mom faced as a single mother. When my friends would confront her about how strict she was with me, she'd ban them from coming over and then ground me (yes, ground me!) for having such "smart-a$$ed" friends. In my senior year, I actually received an "award" in the yearbook for having spent the most time grounded.

 

I made every effort to please this woman for the first 18 years of my life before realizing it wasn't really possible. She would tell me that she felt she needed to spend more time with my younger brother (the middle one) because both her family and my father's doted on me so much (I began reading at an early age and excelled academically). Unfortunately, as we spent little time with extended family, I was actually quite lacking in emotional/moral support. I would address this with her and be called selfish and told that I was being melodramatic. Finally, I gave up. She didn't want to see what I was doing, fine. I was determined to have a good life, so I became my own cheering section. I got myself through university and am in the process of taking prerequisites for medical school. She doesn't believe I can do it, by the way.

 

Two months ago, my father died after an alcoholism-related illness. Although his problem was devastating to our family unit, I never stopped feeling close to my father. I won't sugarcoat anything; he was a very passive participant in my upbringing, at best, but I absolutely lived for the time we'd spend with him. Even when I fell far afield of what I wanted to do with my career, he never stopped believing I could do anything I set my mind to. It became increasingly harder to connect as his disease progressed, but even as he lay dying, I saw in his eyes how proud he was of me. When he died, a part of me went with him. He was my only advocate. He loved me and I knew it.

 

I digress.

 

When Dad died, Mom would call me periodically to check on my brother. She'd never ask me how *I* was doing. I mean, maybe she shouldn't have. Maybe I'm supposed to be stronger than I am and I'm not doing something right. To be fair, my brother does not like the phone and he won't answer it about 90% of the time, so she really had no other way of gauging his emotional well-being. But it was happening every day, multiple times per day, and it began wearing on me to the extent that I was at my breaking point. It was, "Your brother needs this," or "Your brother has to that," or "I know your brother is having a hard time with all of it." Meanwhile, I'm STILL struggling with it. I offered that information to her once and she said (rather coldly), "Well, it gets easier. You'll be fine."

 

On what would've been Dad's birthday, she called me because she was concerned that my brother hadn't been grieving the way that he needs to. I snapped. I began crying and asking her why it is that she never called me to check on *me.* She began screaming at me and telling me that I'm selfish, that I haven't changed, that I want everything to be all about me, that I'm just not happy unless I'm the center of attention, that I'm melodramatic, not a 'real' woman... and from there, she took the opportunity to tell me a great number of things about myself that I "needed" to know, up to and including the fact that it was obvious that I didn't care if she died. I apologized and hung up the phone. Then she called me back to issue an apology of her own before reiterating that it can't always be about me, and that she hoped I learned that someday.

 

Last week, my car died coming home from work and left me stranded in a very dangerous neighborhood. I tried to call her and she couldn't be bothered to come help. She told me I needed to call my "worthless" boyfriend (who has actually been the only person who has offered me any assistance with anything in my adult life). The boyfriend then told her how he felt about her lack of concern for my safety. She sent my stepfather out after me, but she made sure to let me know what a terrible person my boyfriend is, since he never helps me when I need it. Furthermore, I was stupid for continuing to see him. She then told me that I am not to call her to ask her for another "blessed" thing. I told her that I never ask her for anything and she said, "Yeah, right!" The truth is that anytime an emergency has arisen (usually relating to my P.O.S. car), the boyfriend has been the one to come to my rescue.

 

Writing this, it seems pretty silly. I should just stop answering the phone, and I know that. I should cut her off until she realizes that she can't treat me this way. The thing is, she does this guilt trip thing that has me actually believing I'm the terrible person she says I am, and I just file it away and convince myself it's all in my head... until it happens again and I see that it's bullcrap. And even now, I catch myself trying to offer something to her that is praiseworthy. I feel like a five-year-old showing her parents a fingerpainting most of the time. "See, mommy? See what I've done?!" Pathetic.

 

Today, she took the day off work to accompany my brother's ex-girlfriend to the doctor. She called me three times to let me know where she and the ex-girlfriend were, that they were at lunch... I heard them laughing and having a good time, and I felt so envious and sick and hurt... and then I felt guilty for feeling that way.

 

I'm a mess, needless to say. Thanks for letting me vent. It felt good to get it out.

[quankanne]

get your butt to a counselor to help purge the poison in your system ... I promise you'll feel a heck of a lot better just being able to vent to someone who isn't going to take sides, but help you figure out how you need to get to the next step.

 

meanwhile, don't let her petty behavior toward you ruin your life – you are NOT as horrible as she makes it out to be. My guess is that she is jealous of you because you're the female who displaced her in your dad's heart ... yes, there are some women who are like that. They actually see their own children as competition. But the problem is with HER, not YOU, okay? She's the one with the skewed love logic.

 

I think you found one sure way to keep her poison fangs from you: Ignore her calls. It sounds mean-spirited, but this woman is an emotional vampire who needs to feed on your fragile ego in order to exist, and you have the upper hand her because YOU can contact her at YOUR will ... not hers. It's not being a bad child when you take charge and cut the bullshxt out of your life, it's self-preservation, and if anyone deserves it, you do, kiddo. It's not that you love her any less, but that you understand your sanity is at stake.

 

keep conversations short when you talk with her, and don't volunteer any information that she can twist around to say you're seeking attention. Basically, treat her civilly, but keep her at arms' length. Again, I know this sounds like I'm advising you to be a "bad" daughter, but it's your sanity that's more important at this point.

 

as cold as this may sound, it's perfectly all right to share the love you DO have for your parent with someone who acts in her stead – you're not taking anything away from her, because honestly? She doesn't seem to care that you love her, only that she's capable of hurting you. And I'm not trying to be mean here, just let you know that there will be people in your life who you will love like a parent because they love YOU like a child of theirs.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad, but I'm also glad that you were blessed with the love that he had for you, because it's better than all the gold in Fort Knox

 

vent away or come borrow a shoulder anytime you want, okay?

 

hugs,

q

[citizen67]

I got myself through university and am in the process of taking prerequisites for medical school. She doesn't believe I can do it, by the way.

.

 

You Can Do It!

[NoIDidn't]

Hugs, birdmadgirl.

 

I have a similar mother. I agree with Quank - get thee to a therapist.

 

Her negativity is poisoning your thoughts of yourself. And it will only get worst. You have to turn off that guilt reaction. It will be the best thing you ever did in your life, for your life. I did. And its liberating.

 

Sorry, I don't have much else. The therapist is the best idea available.

[birdmadgirl]

Thanks for your responses, everyone.

 

I think this would be less of an issue for me now if I didn't see some of the behavior manifesting itself in me. Sometimes, I have a very ill disposition for no good reason. To be honest, it's terrifying. I think since I've been acknowledging where it comes from, I've felt slightly more empowered to nip it in the bud.

 

I've read other threads where it's advised to show compassion toward the parent; after all, they're the way they are for a reason. I may not have been sensitive enough to what led my mother down her own path, and maybe that's what I need to do first. Acknowledge her pain, and then communicate to her my own.

 

She's told me that she had a deeply unhealthy relationship with her own mother as a child and young adult. My mother and her younger brother were essentially punished for wanting to maintain a good relationship with their father after he and my grandmother divorced. The child who sided with the mother -- my aunt, Mom's next-to-youngest sister -- received (and continues to receive) a disproportionate amount of my grandmother's affection and effort.

 

All the patterns were there, and they replayed themselves for my mom. If I see it, I have the power to stop it. That's where I differ from Mom. She sees it, too, but she claims she is powerless over it. It's all she knew, she says, and so she reacts accordingly. I say that's being rather lazy about it, but who is to say that she doesn't actually feel that way? Perhaps to her, it seems overwhelming. I have no control over what she chooses to do (or not). The only person I can control is myself.

 

Thanks again.

[NoIDidn't]

You're welcome, if that's even appropriate.

 

I want to warn you that showing your mom compassion, while definitely something you should do often, will cause you hurt in the beginning.

 

I certainly relate with the hurt that you have felt, the hurt that you will feel, and the SHOCK of seeing her behavior (that you probably don't like very much about her) manifesting in you.

 

I've been there. I'm still, in some areas, there. So I certainly relate to where you are now.

 

I love my mother. She did the best that she could given what she knew. She was raised under extremely difficult circumstances with a mentally unstable mother and in poverty. And, like your mom, mine feels extremely overwhelmed in trying to confront her past demons. But your compassion and understand will help her even if she doesn't seem to outwardly say much about it.

 

I wish you luck. Its a hard journey. But its more than worth it. Not only for you, but for your children - present or future.