shen Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Hi, i really need some help ... I'm 31 years old and married. I'm the eldest in the family and my siblings are 19 years younger than me. So i have always been the only child until they were born. In my childhood days my father always scolds me for unreasonable reasons or small matters which i think my anxiety disorder comes from that. I'm always fearful with my parents around and has led to anxiety disorder / panic attack in my adulthood which of course they do not know. Even at my age they control the things i do. Because i'm used to giving in and do not know how to respond firmly, my hubby has to follow me doing the same things now which i feel really bad about it. I stay near them and they want me to go see them every weekend (sat & sun) to go out with them, and drive them around where they wanna go. My husband and i work during the weekdays and so we could be very tired and hope to rest during the weekends to have some time for our ourselves. But my parents will call and ask us to go over eat with them etc. When i say no, they insist and i don't know how to tell them off. please help me how to tell them off... maybe i've always been controlled by them, i don't know how to tell them and feel bad/guilty when i get what i want!! i'm going crazy!!!! thanks alot Link to post Share on other sites
MeaganRaye Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I always thought the control would stop once you moved out of the house. The only thing you can do is to make yourself less available to them. When they call, don't always pick up the phone--that way they can't guilt you into doing things you don't want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 ah, I have a serious "want to please people" complex but I've learned to simply say, "I'm sorry, I won't be able to go." Period. And if they get pushy, just keep repeating, "I won't be able to go/make it" – and if they *still* don't get it, call it to their attention by saying, "You know, I was thinking that if I were able, I might just join you, but you've managed to kill any chance of that by harping on the subject." And if THAT starts up another round, walk away or hang up. Rude, yes, but they're going to bug you until they get the answer THEY want to hear and you don't have time for that shxt. oh, you don't have to give a reason either ... unless this is someone you are close to and don't mind saying why. I know I'm usually better about explaining why with friends than I am family! But really, you don't have to explain yourself past, "Sorry, can't make it." Link to post Share on other sites
summer19 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 its like drugs. Just say no. I went through where you are at, and its not fair. You are strong. Once you say what you want, and follow through with it you will feel stronger and stronger. You can make up excuses but a firm no without exuses works better. Even no because I dont want to. Its not rude its your life. If they dont understand you when you are polite, because its not the answer they want, then its the only way. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I agree with all of you...learn to say no...and get professional help to help ypu deal with your anxieties...nce you target the root of the problem...saying no will not be a guilt trip but instead it'lll feel quiet liberating Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 I stay near them and they want me to go see them every weekend (sat & sun) to go out with them, and drive them around where they wanna go. My husband and i work during the weekdays and so we could be very tired and hope to rest during the weekends to have some time for our ourselves. But my parents will call and ask us to go over eat with them etc. When i say no, they insist and i don't know how to tell them off. please help me how to tell them off... maybe i've always been controlled by them, i don't know how to tell them and feel bad/guilty when i get what i want!! i'm going crazy!!!! thanks alot they are trying to keep you dependent on them, I would imagine they use guilt on you as well. you must learn how to draw boundaries to stop them getting this far. it is your job to look after yourself and your husband. what will happen when you have children one day? how will you have a full, healthy family life? you have to see your parents' behaviour for what it is. they want you to drive them around because they are lazy. they want you and your husband around because they can't be bothered to look for other entertainment for the weekend. you have to find the strength to look after your own little family now, your husband and your future children are YOUR responsibility. you can't allow your parents to get in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
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