Assisted Living and Nursing Homes

[FlyingToaster]

Hello Everyone,

I hope I'm not double posting. I submitted something earlier, but I don't see it up. I'm trying this again.

 

I have some questions about AL (Assisted Living) and NH (Nursing Homes), and I was hoping I could get some feedback from people who have had to consider these arrangements for their family members.

 

My MIL is 88 years old. She's physically frail, having osteoporosis and 2 hip replacements, and she's starting to slip mentally. She's not able to do much housecleaning as well as fix all her meals.

 

She's also very emotionally dependent. My H is gone every other week for work. While he's gone he calls her at least once a day. When he's home, there's at least 1 call a day, and he visits her twice/day. She's crushed if he can't come see her. After a family get-together, like Christmas, she spends the day crying after everybody has left.

 

I know it's not my decision, but from what little I know about AL, I think she would really enjoy it. There's more opportunities to visit with others, she'd have a smaller place to maintain, and she could go to the cafeteria if she didn't feel like cooking. Also, there's staff on hand to help her if she's having problems.

 

My H and his two brothers don't feel she's ready for AL, but my SIL does. Since my SIL is the oldest, the rest of the siblings feel she's being bossy and can't wait to get their mother into a 'home'. When I asked my H what condition his mother should be in before she should go to AL, he listed things that I felt were more appropriate for a NH.

 

I think that my H and his brothers are having a hard time accepting the fact that their mother may need more help, and it concerns me that they will wait too long. They're always worried about saying things that could hurt her feelings, so they don't say anything. I think this is one of those things.

 

My MIL also has a hard time making decisions, and she usually prefers others to do that for her. About a month ago, she wasn't feeling well and it wasn't until my H went to visit her that she went to the doctor. She ended up in the hospital for 3 days. About 4 years ago, my SIL decided that their mother needed to be in a 1-story house and was willing to buy one for her. Everybody was afraid to bring it up because they thought she wouldn't want to move. Turns out she was depressed in the old house and couldn't wait to move. To me, that just showed that even though they (my H and siblings) think theyr'e doing things in the best interest of their mother, they really don't have a clue and this is why I think they may be making a big mistake by waiting.

 

Again, I will stress that I realize it is not my decision. I just would like to hear from anybody who had to do this, and what they went through.

 

Take care.

[quankanne]

best thing is to look into a handful of places you think might be a good match for her, then visit them (kinda like kids checking out a college campus) – she'll know what feels right and will meet her needs.

 

a young friend of ours told us that it came to a point a few years ago where his granny needed to live someplace other than alone in her big house in Florida, so they found a community in the area that was perfect for her. She's in relatively good health, and likes to socialize, so the place they picked out had a lot of stuff going on, had a full-service kitchen, a beauty parlor, van service for whenever residents didn't want to drive their cars, etc. Of course, his granny was in a larger city, so that option was there.

 

when my grandma, then my mom, got to a point where they needed professional care, we moved them into a nursing home in the neighboring town. It doesn't offer what the place that our friend's granny went to, but since it's in a rural area and my dad would go visit every day several times a day, it worked out well. Even better, there were people my grandma and my mom knew; two of the nurses aides were granddaughters of my mom's best friend, so those girls took extra good care of her, and that was a huge peace of mind for us.

 

your MIL probably will hate the idea of being cared for because of failing health, but if there's enough stuff going on otherwise to keep her mind occupied, she could grow to love the change of scene more quickly than not.

 

good luck, and remember, even though this is a hard decision to make, sometimes it's better to let professionals provide the healthcare your loved ones need so that you can concentrate on meeting their other needs.

 

hugs,

quank

[IfWishesWereHorses]

We moved my Grandmother into a very low level assisted living a few years after my Grandfather died because the neighborhood was no longer safe. She had a lot of anxiety about selling the small home she had worked so hard for all of her life. One week after the move her health had improved 100%. Even her swollen joints were not so swollen. She became a social butterfly. Took a volunteers job of greeter in the dining room which gave her a reason to be up and at'em each morning and looking her best.

 

She never drove so she had depended on my mother as her sole means of transportation for years. I remember my mom being spittin' mad when she couldn't get hold of her all of one afternoon and leaving work only to arrive to see her getting off of a van from some social gathering a bunch of them went to. Seems she forgot to mention it to mom! That was seriously the best thing we ever did for her. She even had a little boyfriend who she spent time with and went on dates with (though she would have never called it a date or him a boy friend!)

 

I know many of the AL communities in our area have different levels of assistance. It can truly be a life saver for people who need that social interaction. The part about her crying when all of the family leaves brought tears to my eyes.

 

Any chance she has a friend in an AL that the two of you could visit for lunch one day?

[carhill]

I'm the care manager and conservator for my mother, who suffers from dementia. I cared for her personally for 4 years. Perhaps I can help. I also operate a caregiver support forum.

 

First things first.....who has power of attorney for health care and finance for your MIL? These documents are very important. How they are written is very important. If your MIL is starting to "slip" mentally, now is the time to do this.

 

Independent living, assisted living and custodial and/or SNF care is very expensive. It nearly bankrupted me before I could get my mom qualified for MediCal. Having a cogent plan in place is important. Does your MIL have substantial assets and/or income streams? How's her health care insurance? Does she have LTC insurance?

 

If you're looking for care facilities, most states have non-profit watchdog agencies who publish statistics and complaints, as well as, for nursing homes, Medicare's nursing home comparator web site.

 

Well, that's a start. If you have any questions, I'll try to help. My best advice is to take it one day at a time. Don't let it overwhelm you (or H). Best wishes!

[FlyingToaster]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Hearing other people's personal stories is helping me to understand what my H and his family is going through. I know that I will have to go through this as well as my parents get older.

 

Carhill, you've brought up quite a few things that I had no clue about. Thank you for bringing those things to my attention. I will see what I can find out from the rest of the family.

 

Again, thank you for your replies.

 

Take care.

[nobody's girl]

The place I work at owns an assisted living facility. I know that they offer several options such as spending a weekend there to spending the winter there to help people get a feel for what they're all about. They also offer a lot of events and programs to the public. They actually get a lot of their residents that way. Someone comes out for a day or a weekend or whatever and likes it so much they can't wait to move in. You might want to see what your local AL places offer and take your MIL out to join in the festivities.

 

My mom is in assisted living in another state. She's 81 and in failing health. The neat thing is there are several residents that are in good health who want to help everyone. So there's always somebody there to help her get out and about when she wants to join in. Mom doesn't feel like she's being patronized by the staff, she feels like she's being given a helping hand from a friend.

[Angelina Nisse]

My MIL is 88 years old. She's physically frail, having osteoporosis and 2 hip replacements, and she's starting to slip mentally. She's not able to do much housecleaning as well as fix all her meals.

 

And they don't think she needs assisted living?!? What planet are they living on....?

 

She will be MUCH better off to go to AL, now, than to wait until she is unable to walk because then she will have to go directly to a NH...if you wait much longer, she won't even be eligible for AL. She will be too frail, and require too much assistance.

 

If she is settled at an AL while she still has some mind left, she will do much, much better.

 

The crying after everyone has gone home at Christmas, is her way of communicating her helplessness. She probably realizes, on some level, that she needs daily help. Hence, the crying.

 

Really, your H and his brothers are in total denial. She clearly needs AL. I am a RN, so I have experience with these issues.