should i interfere?

[Crystal]

my daughter works for my fiance, she called this morning, she was crying because she is really stressed out. the baby would not stop crying, and she called his daddy just to talk but his sister said he is 'out of town' my daughter thinks he is in jail for a dui he got a while ago.

 

either way she started crying and said she didn't want to work for my fiance anymore cause he adds to her stress cause he is such an orge when it comes to work and his job. he has her working as his assistant so to take some stress off him and to help us out, so i know exactly what she is going through.

 

problem is if she quits she has no other income and by the time she found another job she could end up losing her apartment. so i don't know if i should say anything to him to at the least defend my daughter and protect her or if this is something she should handle on her own, she is 20. anyone have any ideas on this? i really don't know what to do, i feel bad for her but like him i think she needs to stick things out and not quit and run away when life gets hard, yet it is hard to work in that environment.

[Tony T]

A man doesn't hire somebody else, like your daughter, to reduce his stress. That's something he has to do in his own mind. She may take some of the burdens and workload away from him, but she can't take his stress away.

 

This is part of your fiance's personality and no matter what you tell him, he is going to react the same way to the people and circumstances around him. Reading between the lines, I would say he is a control freak and if he had 50 assistants just like your daughter his stress level would INCREASE, NOT DECREASE, because he would be wanting to control their every action.

 

Things will never get better for your daughter with this man until he mellows out in old age.

 

There is nothing you can tell him, no words you can use, that is going to change the way he reacts to life and work. Your daughter shouldn't take this personally. That's just the way your fiance is.

 

Your daughter needs to learn ways to cope with him. Like he controls his mind, she needs to control hers. She needs to learn how to relate to happenings with calmness and not let other people's stress interfere with her life.

 

I'm with you. She needs to understand right now that life isn't all that easy. You referred to a baby...I don't know if you were talking about your daughter or your daughter's baby, if she has one. Well, if she has a daughter and has been able to handle the stress of handling a new baby, she is qualified to handle a big baby pretty easily as well.

 

Your daughter has set the course for her life and has created her situation now. She has backed herself into a corner. She needs to make the best of it, work to improve her education, and eventually move on to improve her lot in life.

 

Meanwhile, don't make her problems yours. Let her learn to cope the best way she can. You raised her and she's an adult now. You must have looked forward to the day when you would have only yourself to worry about again. Enjoy it while you can because you'll soon be married to this stressed-out butthole and you'll be in your daughter's position big time.

 

Learn not to let him get on your nerves because if you think things are going to stay wonderfully rosy with a guy like this, you are mistaken. You are marrying a neurotic.

[Ed]

I don't think it is a good idea for your daughter to be working for your fiance. She needs to learn how to make it in the world on her own.

 

Talk to her and your fiance. Between the three of you, work out a plan for her to change jobs. Help her and support her through this transition. Once she gets a new job, insist that she handle her own business.

 

Teaching your daughter how to be independent is the best lesson and gift you can offer her. As long as you come in and save her every time she makes a mistake or has a problem, she will never learn how make it on her own.

[Crystal]

gee, that makes me feel good. not! my decision to marry him has been put on hold pending his need for prozac or something.

 

its really hard as a mother to butt out, but i'm going to try because i'm feeling frustrated as well and i don't know what to do to help her.

 

she wants to now move to florida where the baby's daddy lives. he is 17 months old and she has no help with him at all, she has day care help but nothing else, she cant even qualify for social services to help her out, she is totally on her own and overwhelmed with things right now.

 

she did dig her own hole, but now wants out and is really stressed about everything. i'm sure if i say anything to my fiance he will get mad at me as well.

 

he is the type of person who believes you take any job youcan to support yourself wheather you like it or not and if your not willing to do any type of work to support yourself then you are either lazy or you don't really care or you want someone else to take care of you.

 

so he thinks everyone else should think like he does.

A man doesn't hire somebody else, like your daughter, to reduce his stress. That's something he has to do in his own mind. She may take some of the burdens and workload away from him, but she can't take his stress away. This is part of your fiance's personality and no matter what you tell him, he is going to react the same way to the people and circumstances around him. Reading between the lines, I would say he is a control freak and if he had 50 assistants just like your daughter his stress level would INCREASE, NOT DECREASE, because he would be wanting to control their every action. Things will never get better for your daughter with this man until he mellows out in old age.

 

There is nothing you can tell him, no words you can use, that is going to change the way he reacts to life and work. Your daughter shouldn't take this personally. That's just the way your fiance is. Your daughter needs to learn ways to cope with him. Like he controls his mind, she needs to control hers. She needs to learn how to relate to happenings with calmness and not let other people's stress interfere with her life. I'm with you. She needs to understand right now that life isn't all that easy. You referred to a baby...I don't know if you were talking about your daughter or your daughter's baby, if she has one. Well, if she has a daughter and has been able to handle the stress of handling a new baby, she is qualified to handle a big baby pretty easily as well. Your daughter has set the course for her life and has created her situation now. She has backed herself into a corner. She needs to make the best of it, work to improve her education, and eventually move on to improve her lot in life.

 

Meanwhile, don't make her problems yours. Let her learn to cope the best way she can. You raised her and she's an adult now. You must have looked forward to the day when you would have only yourself to worry about again. Enjoy it while you can because you'll soon be married to this stressed-out butthole and you'll be in your daughter's position big time. Learn not to let him get on your nerves because if you think things are going to stay wonderfully rosy with a guy like this, you are mistaken. You are marrying a neurotic.

[Crystal]

easier said then done to talk to him about this, read above response to tony.

 

i do agree that bailing her out is not going to teach her anything but it is hard as a mother to sit by and see her in tears when she is trying to strong and on her own.

 

i have tried to teach her to be independent and she was until she had the baby but that changed her and made things hard for her because now she has this very big responsibility and i think at times she gets overwhelmed by it all, but then again who dont.

 

i've been sitting here and trying to think of how i can bring this up to him without having to go through a bunch of crap with him.

 

in the evenings he is pretty mellowed out from the day, that may be a good time to bring up the subject. thanks for the help i appreciate it very much!

I don't think it is a good idea for your daughter to be working for your fiance. She needs to learn how to make it in the world on her own.

 

Talk to her and your fiance. Between the three of you, work out a plan for her to change jobs. Help her and support her through this transition. Once she gets a new job, insist that she handle her own business. Teaching your daughter how to be independent is the best lesson and gift you can offer her. As long as you come in and save her every time she makes a mistake or has a problem, she will never learn how make it on her own.

[Ed]

OK then, don't talk to him about this. In this situation he is only the employer anyway.

 

If she is having employment problems, that's between her and her boss...whoever he/she may be. If you want to hear about your daughter's problems, listen to her, then give her some good advice. If you don't know what advice to give her, my suggestion, again, is tell her that she needs to find a different job, but that she must remain employed SOMEWHERE so she can pay her own bills.

 

If she wants to move to Florida, so be it. Wish her all the luck in the world. It's her life, she can live it however she chooses. If she wants to be unemployed, always hurting for help, stay torn up about her baby's daddy, or be upset about anything...that's her business too. Some people live this way their whole lives and there is nothing anybody can do about except themselves.

[Tony T]

My guess is that his behavior will change dramatically with Paxil. Ask him to see his doctor. Lately, I've heard some very dramatic and positive stories about people like your fiance whose lives were transformed by using Paxil.

 

If Paxil doesn't agree with him, a doctor will prescribe some similar medication, such a Zoloft, which will have a similar affect of reducing his anxiety and stress and lifting him from depression.

[velvet]

She needs to stick it out. She is providing a life for herself and her baby. I think, its the baby thats making her feel drained. Only more stress will be added if she doesnt have an income.

 

Maybe she can ask for help at work, give some of the work load to others. If thats the case!

 

But at 20, anything and everything can overwhelm you. Maybe she should visit her doctor to have a check up and talk about her stress and how it affects her physically. I think that would benefit everything. Shes probably going through some depression with living like a full blown adult with out the freedom of a kid.

my daughter works for my fiance, she called this morning, she was crying because she is really stressed out. the baby would not stop crying, and she called his daddy just to talk but his sister said he is 'out of town' my daughter thinks he is in jail for a dui he got a while ago. either way she started crying and said she didn't want to work for my fiance anymore cause he adds to her stress cause he is such an orge when it comes to work and his job. he has her working as his assistant so to take some stress off him and to help us out, so i know exactly what she is going through. problem is if she quits she has no other income and by the time she found another job she could end up losing her apartment. so i don't know if i should say anything to him to at the least defend my daughter and protect her or if this is something she should handle on her own, she is 20. anyone have any ideas on this? i really don't know what to do, i feel bad for her but like him i think she needs to stick things out and not quit and run away when life gets hard, yet it is hard to work in that environment.