Irrational? Selfish? Resent sick mother-in-law

[Windwalker]

I just lost my father after a long, agonizing illness in which he was in and out of hospitals, ERs, ICU’s, and nursing homes. I live 300 miles away and just kept working during that time, seeing my father every month, feeling guilty for leaving him in the care of my sister, but needing to work and care for my own family. I am the primary breadwinner of the family.

 

My father was in ICU several times during his illness, and I did not rush to his side and remain there. I didn’t feel I could leave work and family responsibilities every time there was a new emergency when he had others caring for him. Now my mother-in-law is in the hospital for observation after a nasty fall. In fact, she fell while at my father’s funeral (can you believe it?). After my father’s funeral, I had to come home to work while my husband has been by his mother’s side for three days now. I’m left to run after the kids and work full-time on a crucial project at work while he sits with his mother who is eating up the sick role. She has friends and family there, and my husband took vacation days to be by her side. He promised to use vacation days to help me out this summer for the extra hours the long-term project at work requires, but here it is mid-July, and guess what? No vacation days taken to help me out.

 

Here’s my dilemma. I’m resentful. And I feel guilty about being resentful. Am I being unreasonable? A selfish child? I sure don't feel very supportive of husband going through a hard time when I've had little to no emotional support from him during my trying times.

 

Any observations and/or advice appreciated.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Windwalker, I can empathize with you. It's so hard to reconcile with oneself when we're not around family at a time of crisis. The feelings of guilt are very hard to get rid of.

 

But there is no point beating yourself up. You did what you could, being at the distance you were. And frankly, what else could you have done? You couldn't have taken away his illness, nor prevented the outcome.

 

As long as your conscience is good, and you know that you didn't purposely hold back or shy away from resonsibility, there's no need to feel guilty.

 

About not feeling compassion for your husband's mother. Well, he's probably not as caught up with his career as you are. So what's the harm in him spending more time with his mother?

 

Often, what happens that in the aftermath of a stressful event, we get numb, to the point that other people's issues don't really seem legitimate. We dismiss their problems with something like - "That's nothing. I've been through much worse".

 

But, understand that to each person, their problems are bad. So you think he doesn't deserve your support because he didn't support you. Well, forget about who deserves what - in these situations, it's easy to lose perspective of what is really important.

 

Also, you have to separate your feelings of anger and guilt from his situation. Him spending time with his mother perhaps makes you realize that you should've done the same with your father. But, like I said before, that guilt is pointless.

 

We can only learn from our pain and try to make it better for someone else who's dealing with a similar situation.

[Windwalker]

Wise words from a wise person TTSP. Thanks. I needed to hear just what you said.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

You are welcome, Windwalker. I hope things smooth out for you soon.