Boyfriend's abusive mother is at it again!

[blondiepants]

This is a long story, so please bear with me. I am writing this in the hopes that I will be able to show this thread to my boyfriend to offer him some help. His mother has been terrorizing him and his life for the last 25 years, and we would appreciate some good advice.

 

Rewind to 3 years ago when my boyfriend and I got together... His mother had been in town for a college function, and I met her briefly while spending time with BF (still as friends). She immediately stuck me as very abrasive, and spent the entire conversation talking about my (not yet) BF. She monopolized the entire conversation, which occurred for nearly three hours of her talking about her son and his various achievements. I would try to include him in the conversation, but she would answer for him as though I had asked her. While she was there, he spoke very infrequently as she would consistently speak over everyone else - including me.

 

She left, and BF and I ended up starting a relationship. The first mother drama occurred when she called him regarding his grades (which were fine - just not good ENOUGH). We weren't close enough at that point that I knew the details of the conversation, but I gathered enough to know that he was extremely upset, crying, and beaten down. She never attended any college - mind you, but still seemed to find it appropriate to comment on his.

 

When we started to get closer, some of her strange behavior started impacting our relationship. She called him every day, and at night to say goodnight to him. He complied, even at some points exiting the bedroom to talk to her after we had been intimate. We spent Thanksgiving at his house our first year together. I later found out that she had told him that I made nasty comments about her cooking, and demanded that his father go to the gas station to buy me coffee - both complete lies, clearly. About a week after Thanksgiving, she called him screaming to tell him how rude I'd been. Because I didn't really understand, I apologized for it, thinking that I clearly had done something wrong, and said "sorry" for the misunderstanding.

 

After that, we took our first vacation together - a Spring Break trip to Colorado for some skiing. I said to boyfriend before we left, "BF, it is really important to me that this trip be about us - let's leave our phones off and just spend the time together. Let's leave our parents out of it." He had given her, however, the number to our hotel, and she desperately called our room the second day there looking for us. He called her from outside the room, explaining that we were adults (23/24), and that there was no reason that we couldn't spend a week without talking to them. She reacted as I have now come to expect, freaking out, telling him he didn't love her, telling him he wasn't her son anymore, taking his pictures down off the wall, etc...

 

I put my foot down after that because couldn't take it. I told him that I wanbted a relationship with him - NOT his mother, and that somehow I ended up in a relationship with her also. I insisted that the goodnight phone calls stop, and requested that he try to take a few days between phone calls. He agreed, and has been trying to have a more "grown-up" relationship with her.

 

Since then, she has continued her behavior. Periodically she freaks out over nothing, and throws the typical fit: telling him he is no longer welcome in her house, taking his pictures down off the wall, writing that he is a disappointment, emailing him that he has a horrible attitude, saying that he is a terrible son, etc...

 

I could go into about 50 more examples, but I think that it would be too long!

 

Here is my problem: He doesn't understand that this is who she is. She will throw one of her fits, and he will temporarily be devastated by it. Then, when things settle down, he will say to me "She is so much better now - she has really improved! I think her days of craziness are over!" Inevitably, of course, it happens again and again, and he has to be re-devastated all over again.

 

It hurts me to watch him go through this all the time. I know that it must be hard to accept that this is just who she is, but I feel like he has to do this! If he doesn't, he is setting himself up for disappointment after disappointment. I don't expect him to cut ties with her, but for his own mental sanity, I do think that he needs to take a step back from this relatnioship. It is impacting his health (he can't sleep when she does this), emotions, schoolwork, and mood. It is also impacting our relationship - I have SO much resentment for this woman and how she treats the guy I love that sometimes I just want to scream!

 

I really, for the sake of my boyfriend, want some advice and opinions on this. I feel like something needs to be done, but I'm not sure what! Please help! I'll gladly answer any questions you have or provide more details upon request - this post could have been about 10 pages longer, so ask away!

 

~Blondie

[sb129]

Wow, she sounds like a fruitcake.

 

Although if you delve a little deeper, I would put money on the fact that she is unhappy with her own life, and feels the need to live vicariously through her son.

 

Many parents who are unhappy with their own lives do this to their children.

 

I think she is also terrified of losing him to the outside world, and seems to have some warped kind of feeling that she will be replaced in his affections (most likely by you).

I have experienced mothers like this before, nobody is good enough for their son, and they make their sons GFs lives miserable, because ultimately, they are JEALOUS of them.

 

Which is totally irrational, but very little wierd behaviour is rational.

 

Her reactions which involve her "disowning" your BF are childish, and petty, and clearly upset him. Does she have any idea how her behaviour affects your BF?

 

That if she continues, she will either drive a wedge between you two, or drive a wedge between her and your BF, neither of which will be outcomes that make your BF happy.

 

I think that as frustrating as it is for you, your BF has to be the one to talk to his mum. You will get nowhere if you try and talk to her.

 

He needs to stand up to her (it sounds like he is prepared to do this but maybe he needs to be a little more forceful) and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable, hurtful, ridiculous, and is likely to drive him further away from her if it persists throughout his adult life.

 

Because if it does persist, I doubt you will be able to stand it forever, and if she succeeds in "driving you away", then you can betcha she will do it to every other girl who her son goes out with, because she will know that if she acts up enough, it will work.

 

Your BF is not responsible for his mothers happiness. She is his mother, and that will never change, but she has her own life to live, and that is up to her. He sounds like he is a dutiful, loving and successful son.... she should be grateful he has turned out so well, and get on with her own life while she can still live it to the fullest.

[blondiepants]

Thank you for taking the time to write such a nice response!

 

Here is the problem as I see it - I agree that he should be able to say "mom, you aren't treating me right, and I won't stand for it." The problem with his mom is that she wouldn't care.

 

Everything is about HER. She has ruined everything for him - performances (we're singers) because she throws ridiculous fits every time she comes into town. At his graduation she managed to get into huge fights with her other family members. I planned a beautiful brunch for all of us at a time when I thought that I could fix things by being pleasant and nice - she woke up in the morning, and decided to leave town without even telling anyone, leaving my hours of preparation in the garbage. Before we were even dating, she decided to go along with him to his HS prom - no, I'm not kidding. She decided to chaperone because SHE felt like it - nevermind that he was completely mortified. She made him switch high schools before his senior year because SHE felt like it.

 

The reason this is so hard is this - she only cares about how SHE feels. Ruining almost every important occasion in his life has proven that she only cares about herself. If she cared about him at all, she would never have acted that way.

 

I would love it if it was a simple matter of "just tell him you're hurt," but it isn't like that. She just doesn't see anyone but herself.

[sb129]

This kind of self absorbed, bullying, "everybody hates me so I will just do what I want anyway" is a classic case of low self esteem and its exhausting and hurtful to others.

 

My friend is going through a similar situtation at the moment with her 17 year old sister.

 

I didn't think it would be a simple case of "Mom, you hurt me", as clearly the womans behaviour patterns have been played out this way for years.

 

What is her R like with your BFs dad btw?

 

Sometimes these people need a BIG wakeup call so that they realise that their behaviour is unacceptable.

Maybe it needs to be as drastic as realising that you are pushing someone away with your actions. Thats what happened to me....

After years of depression, and blaming everybody else for my unhappiness, I realised that the way i treated others had a DIRECT impact on how they treated me back, sounds obvious, but when you are wallowing in self pity alot of the time, it isn't as clear.

My "epiphany" came when I finally got my depression treated, and my BF at the time who was a bully, (and also depressed and messed up but in denial of that fact) actually tried to get me to stop seeing my best friend because of some ridiculous thing.

 

I saw that HIS behaviour (which to be fair to myself, was much, much worse than any stunt i ever pulled) was wrong, and I realised how far i had come.

 

So.... if your BFs mom thinks its OK to behave like a brat, then bratty behaviour is her "norm". you need to think of a way that doesn't play into her hands. i don't mean playing games etc.

 

Your BF could say to his mom next time an event happens that he doesn't want her to be there, thanks to her poor behaviour last time. And be FIRM about not inviting her....

 

I know that sounds so much easier than putting it into reality... I honestly don't think there is a quick fix or easy answer in a situation like this.

[blondiepants]

His mother's relationship with his father is... well, interesting. BF loves his father, and rightly so - his father is a good guy.

 

However, his father has allowed the mother to act like this for her entire life, never calling her on it. So, although he is very nice, he is somewhat of the doormat in the relationship. I think this is why BF has such a hard time standing up to his mom... He has never been witness to his father doing it.

 

For years he has watched his father simply 'roll over and take it' from her. The father never questions anything, he just does as she says. In my mind, this makes him equally guilty as hurting my BF. He never put a stop to it for all of those years! I think that is equally as harmful.

 

Because of this, I sort of resent the father too.

 

Another thing - BF was the miracle baby. For years and years they tried to have a child, and were finally told that they would never conceive. They adopted a baby, and when she was 13 they randomly got pregnant with BF. Now, the adopted sister became so fed up with the mom's sh*t, that she alienated herself at age 18, and hasn't spoken to the mother in years.

 

This adds a little twist to the story, I know.

[sb129]

Oh thats so sad for the sister.

 

Your BF being their only natural child shouldn't have made that much difference to the way she was treated.

That explains even more why the mother is such a psycho.

 

I think you are right- the father is just as much to blame for being a doormat all these years.

 

Blondie, this is a complex family dynamic that has been developing over years and years and years.

 

Things seem to have come to a head in a sense that you are forcing your BF to look at his R with his parents in a different light.

 

However. He needs to grow some balls and tell his mother to back off. Maybe he should wait till the nest time she oversteps the mark, but he needs to do it in a way that she knows he means business.

 

Even if it means they don't talk for a while- she will eventually come round. Although it would seem that in the case of the sister she is capable of holding grudges for a long time.

 

I know how tough it can be to ask someone to look at their family in anything other than a favourable light, but in this instance, even if you and your BF don't end up together long term, for HIS sake and future, she needs to be "put in her place".

Call her bluff next time she takes his pictures off the walls and disowns him. Don't be the one to call first.

Imagine what it would be like if he ever has kids....

[Steveto]

I got an old highschool friend that was one of those "miracle" kids that wasn't supposed to be, but happened..but in no way his mom was even CLOSE to your BF's mom..geez.. My parents were hard on me for grades, but it just went in one ear and out the other...I'm a great tuner outer..haha:lmao:

 

My mom used to freak out when I didn't call, but that was because I almost NEVER call..I used to go out of the country and not call her for one or two months (when I was in my teens). It's nice to keep in touch with your parents as you get older, but your BF's mom is taking it to a whole other level.

 

I think it might be too late for the putting the foot down thing. Maybe you can come to a happy middle...but his mom needs to change.

[blondiepants]

Thanks for the responses. Sometimes I think that this relationship is doomed because he has been unable to stand up to her. Sure, he'll temporarily say "hey - don't do that!" But he eventually backs down and doesn't stick to his guns. He convinces himself that she is fine, happy, great, and then when she loses it again - he freaks out all over again.

 

He does need to distance himself for a while - maybe a few months. The problem is, she has f*cked him so much by this point, that he is miserable without her. Its so weird.

 

I have trouble respecting him sometimes because he continually allows this cycle to recur. It puts a strain on our relationship because he is so scared of her and unwilling to put his foot down. I wish that his father had been a stronger influence...

 

She'll never change, and he is convinced that she will. He waits for her to change. He gives her the benefit of the doubt ALL the time. Every time she isn't psycho, he says "look, she's so much better!" I think that the first step migth be accepting that she will never change. He will believe this during the drama, but when she's nice for a month or two, he'll become totally convinced that she's perfect.

 

Thanks so much for the responses, and I do hope that they keep coming! This is really helping me - the suggestions, sympathy, understanding, and even just getting this down on the computer is making me see things clearer and clearer.

[Capricorn]

I know how you feel!! My mother in law is a nutcase and calls my boyfriend everyday also and sometimes more than once!! She is like a leech on him!!! I'm to the point where I am ready to tell her to f**k off and just leave us alone. These wackos need to get a life!!! Hopefully we can find the strength to deal with this cause they will probably never change!!

[Citizen Erased]

Wow she sounds like my ex's mother. And I will tell you what I discovered from that relationship: This will NEVER change. Because he is gutless and an idiot for falling for her crap. She will NOT disown him for not coming over for Christmas dinner one year, nor for not taking her calls for a couple of days. She will have to LEARN to deal with it. Or so she would if he would grow a pair and stand up for himself.