Fatherly Guilt Games

[miseryschild]

I was surfing the internet, looking for a place to talk about some of the feelings I’ve been having about my father. Thank you Loveshack!

 

I am nearing my thirties, recently engaged, and am an ambitious and goal oriented female. I think a lot of my ambition in my life comes out of the fact that I was raised by very un-ambitious people. My mother is severely bipolar and my father is quite abusive. I believe he has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past.

 

My mother and I actually have a great relationship, although I definitely feel like we have reversed roles, where I am a caregiver now and she needs help with a lot of stuff. I love my mother very much and have no complaints about doing things for her when I can. My mother calls me regularly and takes an interest in me and my life. My fiancé and I have been having dinner with her once per week, which has been nice. Also, when I help her, she participates in the activity whether its cleaning or fixing an appliance. She appreciates everything I can do to help her.

 

However, my relationship with my father is the complete opposite. He and I can barely talk anymore without the conversation dissolving into some sort of spitting match. He is very sarcastic and bitter in all his conversations with me and I know that he talks about me regularly behind my back (he talks about everyone behind their back).

 

I’ve noticed that in my conversations lately with others, whenever the topic of my father comes up, I just cant control my angry feelings towards him and often avoid the subject altogether because it just makes me so mad. I feel so stuck in my “relationship” with my father.

 

My parents are divorced, although it was for financial reasons and they still regularly get together and spend time. My father has a lot of jealousy over the care giving I provide to my mother. My father kept the house that my parents bought and my mom moved to her own apartment after the divorce, walking away with a settlement. However, ever since my mother moved out, the house has fallen to complete ruin. My father works, sleeps and plays his computer all day. He rarely cleans the house or does repairs (he never has..it was always my mom). Over the years, this has resulted in the house falling into a complete state of disarray and the situation only gets worse by the day.

 

Last year, after his dog died, he got a pit bull puppy against my advice. I told him he couldnt care properly for the dog, so he shouldnt get it. I was labeled a bitch for not going along with it. Turns out, I was right and the dog has now defocated all over the carpets in the house, making the house smell to high heaven and uninhabitable.

 

My father is just not living up to his responsibilities and is now living in a unsafe and unhealthy situation as a result of his non-action. And the thing is, he expects us three kids to come in and clean the house up for him and maintain the house and makes us feel guilty if we refuse. He wont do the work himself and thinks it is our responsibility as his children to do this stuff. This is my main problem: I refuse to be his maid, or his little pawn. He is a grown man and should be doing this stuff for himself. He has no problem playing computer games or going fishing or whatever. Why cant he clean his own house?

 

I have downright refused to be my fathers maid, however if he wanted to actively participate in a cleaning or repair project (ie we do it together), I would be there with bells on. Still, my brother and sister are not putting their feet down on this issue though and have been over there doing things for him….I think they too are swamped by the guilt to say no.

 

All in all, I have been made to look like the bad child because I refuse to enable my fathers inappropriate and neglectful behavior. I’ve refused to play them with my father anymore and this has resulted in our non-relationship.

 

A few years back, this situation bothered me enough that I wrote him a letter about it and actually mailed it to him. Basically I told him that I felt there were a lot of problems in our relationship, that I feel like he neglects his life and expects us kids to do all the work for him, and that I would pay for both of us to do counseling together if he wanted. He got so angry about the letter and refused to admit that there was anything wrong with our relationship. He also refused to go to counseling and the topic dropped.

 

There’s so much more to the story that I’ve skipped over. How I couldn’t go to college until I was 25 because my father refused to file his taxes, how he never does anything fatherly with any of his kids, etc. I still wonder how it made him feel to watch me graduate from college this past year, given that it was his neglectful nature that kept me from realizing that dream for so long.

 

I dunno, I guess I just feel like this man has wreaked havoc over my life enough and that he only holds me back now. I only emerge from my conversations with him feeling guilty and abused. Honestly, I don’t feel like I owe him anything, but down deep, I still know that I love him and want a father in my life. I would give anything to trade this abusive mess, for a functioning father daughter relationship.

 

As my wedding approaches next year, I’ve given serious thought to not having him walk me down the aisle because really, I’ve felt fatherless for years now. Its always been me taking care of me. I really think I am going to walk myself down the aisle, not because I want to punish him, but because really I feel fatherless and taken care of myself.

 

I’ve already been the counseling route before, so personally I don’t feel like I need to go back, unless my father magically decides to work on this. Still, I can’t help but feel stuck in this toxic relationship. Im putting my foot down, written the letter, and nothing ever changes. Should I just cut him out of my life completely?

 

Does anyone have any good advice for this situation? Can anyone relate?

[quankanne]

I’ve already been the counseling route before, so personally I don’t feel like I need to go back, unless my father magically decides to work on this. Still, I can’t help but feel stuck in this toxic relationship. Im putting my foot down, written the letter, and nothing ever changes. Should I just cut him out of my life completely?

 

stick with the counselling, regardless of what your dad decides for himself, because the goal is to give YOU the tools you need to efficiently deal with these things as they pop up. You can't fix things for your dad, but you can for yourself, and that includes coming to terms with and forgiving him for being so crappy toward you. Until then, all that anger is going to eat you up inside and completely take over.

 

and, yeah, it's easy to dole out this kind of advice without truly knowing your situation, but your well-being is on my mind. As for your dad, he could be suffering from depression and/or grief by not dealing with issues, but rather expecting you or others to do so on his behalf. Like I said, nothing you can do for him will change him or fix things, but you will benefit from it yourself.

 

in the meantime, it's not being a bad daughter by limiting your time with someone so toxic ... sometimes we must hold ourselves apart to keep our sanity intact so that we can deal with issues, rather than throw ourselves in the midst of turmoil and drama just to "prove" our love or allegiance! And from the sounds of it, you're doing the best you can trying to keep things on an even keel so that your mom is able to rely on you when she most needs you.