Separation after 25 years - update

[Fran]

Hi

This is Quickies wife. Some of you may remember the original thread back in December http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=76706&page=4

 

My husband did show me it at the time and we read the replies etc - interesting.

 

Anyway, thought it was time to give you an update of our situation I guess. Just one point though, to me it was ALWAYS a temporary situation, there was and still is no-one else in my life as yet and to be honest, I don't think I will be ready for anything like that for a very long time. My hubby introduced me to his hobby of aviation, which I loved and could join in with after years of being overweight and vegetating (for the record, I had weight loss surgery as my health was seriously compromised acouple of years ago - so that is why my weight is better now and I am healthier). Anyway, I wanted to 'spread my wings' so to speak and be more social, have friends (we never had any close friends ever and were pretty much isolated I guess). I wanted my hubby to join in but that is not what he wanted etc - upshot, we started to pull in different directions but nothing that couldn't be sorted I didn't think. I got depressed with all the hassel and got ill - couldn't see my way to getting better, making us better etc etc - needed a temporary break so all I could see was to get out for a while and staying with my brother was the best, cheapest and most temp option available. I know it devastated hubby, but I couldn't make him better, with me being so bad too. For right or wrong thats all I could see.

 

Anyway, before I left in Jan, he had been on a dating agency site (in Dec) and mailed a couple of ladies there (he told me about it cos one a friend of a friend had replied to him not knowing of our connection and he was afraid I'd find out that way!). He has kept up with one of them (lives very local), which I didn't have a problem with if she was just a 'friend' like he said. I was ready to come back after about 8 weeks away and feeling better about us and what we can do to work it out (and we were still very loving to each other and he wanted me back). But this 'other' friendship was more than I thought reasonable, and was becoming abit of a problem for me - their contact became texts and mails everyday, and one to two hour chats every night. He told me that was OK as they hadn't met and so it didn't count! As you know, he was always very pessimistic on this separation being temporary, but I always maintained it was. He convinced me to see that it may be permanent so I kept an open mind and said that we'll see how it goes. The next week, he is asking for a divorce. I was shocked and upset (yes, guess you can say I deserved it too). So this more or less brings us up to the present time. He told me a couple of days ago he had already been on a date with this woman and kissed her and wanted a relationship with her and didn't want me. Wished it could have been different but he isn't willing to try or anything, he can be quite stubborn when he wants to be. He has been trying to convince me to go on the dating site too to find someone, but I'm really not interested and can't even contemplate another relationship for a very long time (besides which after my WLS, my body is awful lol - all loose skin, so who would want that!!! Not hubby I guess!). I know I was at fault originally and I have only got what I asked for - it still hurts and was not meant to turn out this way, but after a very bad patch a few wks ago, I am trying to accept the situation (have no choice in the matter now) and will try and rebuild what I have left of my life. I don't know if I would have done things any differently if I had my time over again, at the time, everything was such a deep dark hole I couldn't see anyway out of and knew I needed something to get me/us back on track and into life again. I was ill and I couldn't see any further than my own needs I guess, but have paid dearly now.

 

Thanks for your replies to hubby thread, I know it did help him initially.

[Ladyjane14]

Your story is very much a cautionary tale for others who are considering separation as a means to save their marriage.

 

More often than not, emotional distance is the main problem in the relationship. It doesn't make sense to me that people create MORE of it in an attempt to close the gap.

 

This is a generalization, but men tend to take a physical separation VERY hard. They exhaust themselves quickly in trying to "fix" the problem. They usually feel really bad about whatever deficits they brought to the relationship, and this seems to compound the vacuum effect brought on by the separation.

 

So....there's the newly separated guy, mentally exhausted, and not having ANY of his ENs (emotional needs) met, and heart-sore from his failure to please his mate. He's like a sponge, just waiting for someone to come along and pour some affirmation on him.

 

I'm really sorry for your situation. There's no way you could have seen all that coming from within your prior state of depression. It would've colored your world...and your judgement.

 

I was hoping that if he slowed you down a little by refusing to help you leave him, that he'd have time to identify the problems and get through to you. But you know, sometimes these guys insist that they don't want a separation....and then accept one so readily that it leaves me wondering if they didn't truly want it all along.

Relationships are hard work, particularly when one of the partners has withdrawn. I'm thinking it's probably a bit of a relief at a certain point to wash your hands of it.

 

If you haven't read Crying Canuck's thread, I think there are some similarities which might give you a little insight into your husband's possible state of mind.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81289/

 

My advice to you would be that you continue to work on yourself. Either way, that's what will be best for you. Get some counseling. It's best to make certain the depression is indeed behind you.

 

You'll need to forgive yourself too. Sometimes the support of an unbiased party can help you get some perspective on that. People make mistakes. Depressed people make even more, because their judgement is affected by their condition. And the depression wasn't necessarily your fault. You can't control the chemical balance of your brain by mere willpower, afterall.

 

In dealing with your husband, remember "once bitten, twice shy". There might be nothing that will work at this point to restore your marriage....but hey, you never know. You'll need to prove to him that your changes are permanent ones. That's why it's important to stay in counseling until you're 100% again.

 

You should also pay close attention to your physical health and to your self-esteem. Eat right, sleep right, and get your exercise. Heck, get that loose skin removed too if it's bringing you down. Get involved with your children and your friends, but avoid romantic entanglements until you're well and truly healed.

 

Put your best foot forward with your husband. It's unfortunate to EVER get into a situation in which you must compete for your spouse's attention, but it happens from time to time.

 

If you look at it from his point of view, he's been "bitten" by your withdrawal, hence "shy" to recommit anyway. (And now he's looking at an opportunity to get some 'strange' after 25 years sans guilt. He's not going to want to give THAT up willingly. )

 

You're dealing with a "sponge" who's looking for affirmation and admiration. He's looking to have his ENs met. All you can do is the best you can. Try to keep his interactions with you as pleasant as possible. You'll want to present yourself attractively, and bear in mind....most of that is ATTITUDE. So, keep yours positive and upbeat.

 

You may (or may not) salvage the marriage, but a positive outlook will serve you well no matter what happens next in your life. That's something you do for YOU.