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Can't believe he is so immature!


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 4th April 2006, 7:15 PM   #1
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Unhappy Can't believe he is so immature!

Well, the drama continues! My alcoholic H of almost 25 years that I've been separated from for almost two months continues to manipulate me! I was at my counseling session this morning and my cell phone kept ringing, it was him so I didn't answer! I was all shaky knowing he was calling and that I would have to talk to him, so After the session I walked on the beach, Minus my cell phone. When I returned to my car and thus my cell phone, I noticed he had called 8 times, and left three voice mails!!! That's in about 1 1/2 hours! As I was listening to the voice mails, he proceeded to call two more times! I answered on the second time. He proceeded with "I KNOW you weren't on the phone all the times you didn't answer". I told him, "I was busy and I had my phone shut off". He answers with, "I hope he was nice".!! There is no one else.....I separated from him due to his drinking, he knows that! told him I was at a meeting, He asked me what meeting, and I just told him "a meeting"....He was like, "oh".Then he tries to give me the guilt trip with, "well I only passed out twice at the dentist and they had to give me oxygen; I tried to call you thinking maybe you could give me a ride home, I put you as my emergency contact, what if it was an emergency and they couldn't get you?, I then said, "well, I guess they would have to call your mom". told him I was sorry he had a rough time at the dentist, but I had to go. He asked where I was. I said I was doing errands, and I was on the road and that I had to go. And I hung up. He calls me right back. "Why donít you want to talk to me?" I said, "Youíre just trying to make me feel guilty. Iím not doing this right now". I repeated what he said happened at the dentist, and then I said, "grow up". Told Him, "I donít want to talk right now". He said, "I miss you". I said, "Yea, it shows".(sarcastally) Again said, "I donít want to talk right now", and hung up. I got so ANGRY! I KNOW I am co-dependent from going through my therapy.and I do well...UNTIL I have to talk or see him! He refuses to accept his going to AA will fix all the hurt over the years. And he is pushing me furthur and furthur away with his manipulations! See my other posts...............
Can anyone share any advice on dealing with this??? I'm going Crazy!!
Thanks in advance!
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Old 5th April 2006, 1:04 AM   #2
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Your ex is an ass. Why do you even bother talking to him at all? I'd just get a divorce and get a fresh start if I were you.
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Old 5th April 2006, 4:49 AM   #3
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I remember you said you wanted to separate for a while and see if you still wanted to be together. That he was going to AA and you were getting counseling independently. How do you feel about things now, after 2 months? Do you want a divorce, have you seen a lawyer yet? Living with an alcoholic is often dramatic, they are the star of their own show, ALL ABOUT ME! You get to play second banana. Keep up with the counselling, try to limit contact as best you can til you decide what to do. Right now his behavior is shouting "I'm a wreck without you!" How appealing. Don't let him guilt you back into the SOS.
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Old 5th April 2006, 1:26 PM   #4
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Unfortunately MADDOG I still have to talk to him as we have two teens that he sees regularly. AND in the state I live there is no such thing as a "legal separation", so it was a voluntary thing for him to leave so we could decide what we both wanted.
CP- Yes, I believe I HAVE decided I DO want a divorce. I see NO hope in him changing his alcoholic ways.even though he says he goes to AA religiously I just don't believe him. I just don't trust him! Plus the fact the he refuses to go to counseling for himself, and INSTEAD took a second job...makes me even more suspicious. As he put it, "he needs to keep busy". Is that so he doesn't have to face reality? Isn't that what AA teaches you? to face reality? No, I haven't seen a lawyer yet, guess I need to do that soon. At the beginning of our "separation", he said he wanted to do things amongst us only. So, I'm HOPING we could go through mediation. Do you know anything about this?
Thanks for your advice! 1AQ
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Old 6th April 2006, 2:31 AM   #5
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AQ, I've walked in your shoes. I recently divorced my alcoholic husband of 25 + years and although I feel a bit depressed, the sanity has returned to my life. Regarding divorce and mediation, the laws vary from state to state but I did some research on the web and at bookstores to learn about what the divorce process requires. My ex also wanted to "leave the lawyers out of it" and I agree that it would have saved a ton of money, but I had trust issues too big to get over and I did hire an attorney, however, he did not. If you and your husband can work out the arrangements for spousal support (if any) child placement and support, marital property division, etc., without it turning into a brawl, then you should! A mediator does not advise, usually they just redirect discussions if things start to melt down. The decisions have to be your own, which is healthier for everyone. Just don't cave in on things to get it over with quickly, you need to know your rights and stand up for them. I wish you all the best. Stay Strong! CP
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Old 6th April 2006, 8:17 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1AQUARIAN
I KNOW I am co-dependent from going through my therapy.and I do well...UNTIL I have to talk or see him! He refuses to accept his going to AA will fix all the hurt over the years. And he is pushing me furthur and furthur away with his manipulations! See my other posts...............[/I][/I]
Can anyone share any advice on dealing with this??? I'm going Crazy!!
Thanks in advance!
Him going to AA will NOT fix the hurt.. You are still being codependent and trying to manipulate the Alcoholic.

Therapy is good.. But Alanon is also very good and something that you can benefit from.
You need to contact your local Alanon chapter and go to some meetings.. You will be suprised how many people you will meet that are in the the same situation you are in.

In an Alcoholic home both people are sick from his disease and both people need to get help for it.. divorce or not.

Him going to AA is something he needs to do.. but he also needs to do this on his own.
You have to make the decision to stop taking his bs and stop enabling him with your codependant behavior.

Go to some meetings you can learn to seperate the Alcohol from the Alcoholic and learn how you stop enabling him.
Removing the codependant / enabling behavior gives you strength and will allow you to start living a life free of his control and manipulation.
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Last edited by Art_Critic; 6th April 2006 at 9:00 AM..
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Old 6th April 2006, 9:20 AM   #7
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If you want him to stop chasing you....the best thing to do would be to stop running.

Face him down. If you want a divorce, then say it. And keep saying repetitively until it finally sinks in.

If you had answered his call the first time, or called him back at your first opportunity, and then said...."I'm busy at my therapy appointment. Please stop calling my phone.", you would have left him with responsibility for his choice to continue calling or not.

You can't make an omelet with breaking some eggs....and you can't get a divorce without conflict. If you don't face the conflict down, it seems reasonable to me that it would just keep going on. That which is in motion stays in motion, right?
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Old 6th April 2006, 4:26 PM   #8
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I appreciate your advice!
ARTCRITIC- I agree with you about my attending alanon. I did go a few times, but it didn't seem to relate to me, think I'll try other meetings maybe then it may help. Front the gecko I have told my H he needs to go to AA for HIM, I understand that. I just don't know if that's why he's going or if it is to make me happy. You say I am still enabling him? will you point out how? I'm working on it, but I guess I still am not seeing it always!

LADYJANE- I liked your camparison of the omelet and divorce!
I recently decided that divorce IS what I want, so I am just trying to "get up the nerve" to talk with him. I don't know why, but lately I am getting physical symptoms when I talk to him! (shakyness, nausea,) so I guess I'm putting it off. Plus, my counselor told me to sit on the thought a few days before I talk to him.

CP- Yes, I guess you have "walked in my shoes". A lot of what you have been through, I am going through now. I AM hoping we can work things out ourselves, but like you I don't trust my H right now. Originally he had said, I "can have everything, house, car, all of it" and that he just wanted his clothes and guitar. He wants me to "live what I'm accustomed to". At least that's what he said before he left! Since he left (almost 2 months now) he has been at his mom's and every week has deposited most of his paycheck in our checking account for me to pay the bills, etc...(which with this I am grateful, as I know many other H would just not do this!).
He's taking this second job, so "he could have money to live on".
So, IF we can agree to things.do we need to have the money issues (child support, alimony) to the dollar? Or does the attorney do this? I have NO idea what to request as far as support! And I don't think it's fair for him to give me most of his check! After all, I'm NOT trying to "bleed him dry"!
I'm pretty sure he will go along with the kids staying with me, and his time with them being as it is now. He has a car, I have a car.that'll be easy enough. He says he doesn't want the house.............He said, " I can sell it in a few years and buy a condo". But, is that fair??

I so appreciate ALL the help from this board! Thanks!
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Old 7th April 2006, 5:09 AM   #9
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1AQ, I can only speak from my own experience. The more details your financial agreement includes, the fewer questions an attorney will need to spend time asking you. And that means saving $. Sit down and make a list of your assets and debt, then divide it equally. If you keep the residence, he gets assets equal to the equity you have in your home( if you live in a 50/50 state like I do) If you have the children fulltime, he pays a percentage of his income for support.Again, you need to know specific laws for your state. Much of this info is available online. It is time consuming but you will be more confident if you do the research first. You can do it. CP.
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Old 8th April 2006, 1:15 PM   #10
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Sounds like good advie CP, thanks! I believe my state is a 50/50 state also. May sound like a dumb question, but how do I know the equity in the house? Is that the amount paid thus far on the mortgage, or is that what the house would sell for now?
Thanks again! AQ
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Old 10th April 2006, 1:06 AM   #11
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1AQ -

The equity is the value of your home if it were to sell today, minus any mortgage debt you still owe on it. So if you have a home that would sell for $200,000 today in a realistic market, and you have a mortgage with $150,000 outstanding principal, then you have $50,000 equity, which is an asset you and your husband share. If you will sell the house and split the proceeds you will also need to subtract off selling costs (commissions, etc - probably around 6-7% of the selling price...)

Bottom line - equity is the part of the value of your home that you own (as opposed to the part the bank owns, represented by your mortgage.)
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Old 10th April 2006, 1:34 AM   #12
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Smile

TRIMMER-
Thanks for explaing that to me! Wasn't quite sure how it worked!
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