Zetter Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 If you had told me 6 months ago that I'd be living alone in some crappy apartment, working overseas for 4 months, divorced, while my ex-wife goes to Mexico with a guy I considered a friend, I'd have told you that you were nuts. I'd have said that my marriage was not without problems, but they were things that people do not separate over, things that time, apologies and good times together mend. And both of us had good jobs and were buying a house and we were finally in a state where we were getting along, being happy and getting past the first tumultous years of marriage. For every wrong there had been a right, every down an up. But today it ends at 3 PM at the courthouse. My self-rightous side as well as my network of friends knows who I am and how hard I tried, but in the end it's all the same and I have no regrets. It's terribly sad, and the hurt and pain has kicked my arse for long enough. It's times like these we learn to live again. It's times like these we learn to love again. Thanks Shack for all of your support. Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 One thing that makes a breakup difficult is the change in your life pattern. Suddenly shared activities and enjoyable experiences are gone. Along with a familiar roof over your head. On top of all the pain, you are in a situation where it would be difficult enough without the emotion. That is the first thing to remember. You have to get a life back. It takes time to reach that comfort level. But, step by step you become a whole person. This does not depend on finding the right person. It means peace within yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zetter Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 Thanks Neptune. I really do understand and believe what you wrote about becoming a whole person again. What is difficult is that in order to give yourself to another person in marriage, you inherently forfeit a sense of self in the attempt to become a recognizable team. Then when one partner leaves, you are left with this seemingly insurmountable feeling of aloneness and incompleteness for a lengthy bit. It has taken me several months to fight through that and to try to find happiness alone again, with minimal success so far. I'm the type of person that prefers anything with others as opposed to doing things alone, and while this may or may not be a fault, it certainly makes for a difficult road to recovery from something like this. And I'm facing my two biggest challenges in life at once - losing my wife and being alone for several months at a time - in one fell swoop. When I'm back stateside I hope to be much further down the road to wholeness. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Zetter, I'm so sorry. Don't go away, others here can benefit from your experience. I'm looking forward to you rebuilding your life. Link to post Share on other sites
trickynj99 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 I wish you all the best....sorry this happened to you.. the "never thought this would happen to me " part caught my eye...its not a good feeling..i hope it gets better for you starting right now Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zetter Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 Well, it's over. Kind of a bittersweet feeling really. I was very sad to know that what started out so fun and exciting and special came to a close today. It was difficult for me to try to understand how someone who you trusted with your life could become so cruel over time. I guess I'm proud of myself that during this long process that I took the high road in every way. I never panicked, never fought back, and was only calm, rational and understanding to counter her absolute ridiculousness. I know after the crap I've been through in the recent past that this was absolutely the right thing to do. It was just very difficult for me to accept the finality of the situation and to let go, regardless of how cruel my ex was. But I made the most of the court visit, made the county clerk crack up a few times with divorce humor and wished my ex luck. I truly hope she finds happiness, and I hope I do as well. I will absolutely be sticking around for a while as I am still dealing with issues, obviously. But hopefully my stories will become ones of perserverence and happiness after a complete unravelling. One step closer... Link to post Share on other sites
Spurned Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Well, Zetter, sorry to hear your story. I'm getting to where you are, and it's OKAY. You may want love, marriage, sacrifice, learning, growth, but if your spouse is not willing to work to achieve those things, it's not worth it. And I really do believe that my wife will learn her lesson through my divorce. But by then it will be too late for "us," sadly. Sure, it hurts, but I look forward to mending my sorrows Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zetter Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 Spurned, I couldn't agree with you more. I'll be fine. My relationship got to a point where no matter what I did or said, it was going to come to an inevitable ending unfortunately. I would have spent the rest of my life waiting for her to leave me again if we had reconciled, so this had to end. It took me a long time to say that, but it is the truth. I am a hopeless romantic that believed that love would conquer all and that all problems could be solved. That probably still holds truth, but not between two people who do not believe in this concept. However, I can honestly say that I learned a great deal from this failed relationship, and plan to use it all going forward. Unfortunately my ex has been in 12 relationships in a row exactly like her marriage to me, and she has moved onto the next. She will not learn her lesson about healing herself and finding out what went wrong, and that is sad. But the real hard part is the dirty little secret - she was diagnosed with a personality disorder right after we married (I somehow convinced her to see a therapist after she lost her mind several times for literally no reason), threw away her meds and told me it was my fault for her not taking them. Which is classic behavior, and I became the scapegoat for every issue she has ever had. So I know she had issues and I tried desperately to rationalize for 2 years with an unrational person, and failed miserably apparently. I blamed myself for a long time and began to believe every nasty criticism she threw my way. She was highly skilled at taking something I did and making me look like a complete monster. I lost confidence over time and began thinking of myself as a bad person. But with the help of friends and therapy I was able to see through all of it, get some confidence back and don't believe now there was anything i could have done to help her or to save our marriage. And there is nobody I know who wanted our marriage salvaged, unfortunately, because I became the classic eggshell walker, and so did they when we were all together. That screwed me up royally because I know I'm going to be better off without her in the long run, but that didn't matter and I tried desperately to save a marriage that I knew was against major odds. I'm sorry to hear that you are heading this way. It is so unfortunate that good things turn ugly, but so it goes. You and I and the rest of the spurned will be stronger when we are fully recovered. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Oh wow, Zetter, she had a personality disorder?? My mom had one. It's so terrible for the people involved with them. Link to post Share on other sites
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