LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Constantly going back and forth over divorce


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree9Likes
  • 4 Post By d0nnivain
  • 1 Post By Mr. Lucky
  • 2 Post By Marc878
  • 1 Post By StoicHusband
  • 1 Post By Marc878
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 4th February 2018, 3:55 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 123
Constantly going back and forth over divorce

The cycle in our marriage continues with things being ok to things being completely off. We can have a fight where I am called every name in the book, threatened, and so forth and be determined divorce is the only answer. The next day is ok and I tend to forget about what happened previously until the next time it happens. When it happens again i feel like a completely fool. There also also seems to be external drama with her family, work, etc. Where I feel obliged to provide assistance but does erase what has previously been done. I feel i get my mind set on divorce and then things stop being so bad and backoff only to feel vindicated a week or so later that i should habe attacked sooner. Not sure what the options i should go to at this point.
wing81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 10:24 AM   #2
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 26,947
Marriage counseling.

After a screaming fight, things aren't OK the next day. You two are just sweeping stuff under the rug, not dealing with the issues maturely, fixing them then moving on

Divorce is an answer but it's not the only one. Improving communication & learning how to work together to solve problems is the answer.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 2:44 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,789
Hi wing, sorry you are here. I have to ask you whether you think having blow up fights at regular intervals where you are threatened and abused is the way to live a happily married life? If you can answer this question honestly then you will have the answer to your dilemma. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 7:11 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 10,794
Quote:
Originally Posted by wing81 View Post
We can have a fight where I am called every name in the book, threatened, and so forth and be determined divorce is the only answer.
From my own experience, once the "D" word is thrown about it becomes tougher to recover. Rather than both partners feeling committed to a solution, each sees an easy way out if things get tough. And in the type of relationship you describe, stone-cold guarantee things will get very tough.

As d0nnivain advises, I'd offer her a good-faith effort to address the issues in counseling. But if she refuses or shows less than full participation, it's probably time to simply move ahead without her. Life's too short to continue this kind of turmoil. Hope things work out, keep posting...

Mr. Lucky
__________________
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus
Mr. Lucky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 8:24 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,348
Quote:
Originally Posted by wing81 View Post
The cycle in our marriage continues with things being ok to things being completely off. We can have a fight where I am called every name in the book, threatened, and so forth and be determined divorce is the only answer. The next day is ok and I tend to forget about what happened previously until the next time it happens. When it happens again i feel like a completely fool. There also also seems to be external drama with her family, work, etc. Where I feel obliged to provide assistance but does erase what has previously been done. I feel i get my mind set on divorce and then things stop being so bad and backoff only to feel vindicated a week or so later that i should habe attacked sooner. Not sure what the options i should go to at this point.
You've taught her how she can treat you. Why?
Marc878 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 10:14 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 123
We have been in and out of counseling for three years. It is not working and she seems unable to see her role in our issues. I know both of us have played a part getting to where we are but constantly told everything is my fault.

I have taught her how to treat me i guess from my own insecurities early on. Changing this pattern seems to cause more conflict because she isn't getting her way as much or has to escalate her reactions to get me to agree. I cannot live in constant turmoil and need to male a change. Thanks for the input so far. Think i know the best decision for the long term but dread the short term consequences.
wing81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 10:23 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by wing81 View Post
We have been in and out of counseling for three years. It is not working and she seems unable to see her role in our issues. I know both of us have played a part getting to where we are but constantly told everything is my fault.

I have taught her how to treat me i guess from my own insecurities early on. Changing this pattern seems to cause more conflict because she isn't getting her way as much or has to escalate her reactions to get me to agree. I cannot live in constant turmoil and need to male a change. Thanks for the input so far. Think i know the best decision for the long term but dread the short term consequences.
My best advice, which isn't much... is to determine what you loved about her in the first place. If there's no way to get it back, tell her. I'd suggest separation if there's no way forward in your marriage.

When my wife left me, I immediately felt like I had a week left to live. I started living how I should, finally. I am in a different position, but I thought this might be something to consider.

In the end, no one can say for sure one way or the other. There just isn't a way to pack that answer into a few hundred words. Only you know.

But there is always infinite options. Consider more than one or two.
StoicHusband is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 10:23 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,348
Quote:
Originally Posted by wing81 View Post
We have been in and out of counseling for three years. It is not working and she seems unable to see her role in our issues. I know both of us have played a part getting to where we are but constantly told everything is my fault.

I have taught her how to treat me i guess from my own insecurities early on. Changing this pattern seems to cause more conflict because she isn't getting her way as much or has to escalate her reactions to get me to agree. I cannot live in constant turmoil and need to male a change. Thanks for the input so far. Think i know the best decision for the long term but dread the short term consequences.
If you don't get strong and stop getting manipulated and walked on your life won't be worth living unless you want to live like a total doormat.

The only one that can keep you where you are is you.
Marc878 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 10:24 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
If you don't get strong and stop getting manipulated and walked on your life won't be worth living unless you want to live like a total doormat.

The only one that can keep you where you are is you.
And there's a couple of ways to do that. It's not unreasonable to tell her you won't tolerate a few things (hitting, name-calling, yelling). This is standard adult stuff.
StoicHusband is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 11:17 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,348
Once you give away control over your life it's extremley hard to get it back.

Talk won't get you there. Actions can if you have the fortitude.
Marc878 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
He constantly text's me, then doesn't text back for a few days? tannis17 Long-Distance Relationships 4 29th November 2013 11:58 PM
Addicted to this damn girl, I keep taking her back constantly. YuGr. Coping 9 10th September 2012 12:20 PM
I broke up with my bf and now he is constantly trying to win me back...i feel so bad zz11 Breaks and Breaking Up 2 2nd August 2010 7:00 AM
Girlfriend constantly constantly constantly gripes. audiojunky General Relationship Discussion 7 23rd June 2004 12:26 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:56 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.