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Married with no intimacy


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Old 31st January 2018, 1:12 PM   #1
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Married with no intimacy

I need advice, help, or some uplifting stories. I feel so lost and confused at the moment. I don't know what to do or what the right choice is.

A little background is that I am 35 years old, have been married for 5 years, together for 9 years. We have a 2 year old son, almost 3. We both work full-time, and ever since we had our son our relationship has changed for the worse.

I am so unhappy and I know that my husband is unhappy too. I feel like I am no longer in love with my husband, but stay for my son and for the convenience. Truth is I am scared. Scared to be a single parent. I never wanted to raise my son in a broken household, but I feel so unhappy with my current situation. I keep thinking it would be better to do it now when my son is still little, than to wait till he is older.

I feel like my marriage is doomed, and I don't see how it can be repaired at this point. The main issue for me is that we have zero intimacy. And when I say zero, I really mean zero. I consider my husband to be asexual. He has no interest in being affectionate or sex in general. This is nothing new, he has always been this way.

We have had countless fights over this issue, and it never changes and it just causes a huge fight whenever I bring it up. We have gone to marriage counseling once over this issue and we stopped going because I felt like it was too expensive, and there was nothing I learned that I didn't already know. That my husband has no need for affection or intimacy. That he is perfectly happy living like roommates.

He rather stay up late after our son goes to bed to pay video games or pay magic the gathering on his phone, then spend quality time with me. I was a fool who thought things would change so I married him and had a son. I regret that decision so deeply now, because it's a lot harder leaving when kids are involved.

I feel so stuck. We own a house together so we would have to sell the house. Since we work in the same area we share a car, so I would have to buy my own car. I've been looking at apartments and financially I know I could do it on my own. But there are financial obligations that will suffer. I grew up poor and one of my fears is being poor again. My son now has everything he needs, and we're able to save every month for his college.

If I were to leave, that would have to stop, we couldn't financially afford two households on top of daycare costs and saving for his college. This makes me feel selfish because I want to be able to give him a good start in life.

I keep thinking if I just stay and deal with it my son will have college mostly paid for and grow up with all his needs and wants being provided. If I leave it will be a struggle but I could make it work.

There is a guy I am currently interested in but he knows I am married with a kid so I am sure it won't go anywhere, but the fact that I can have feelings for someone else is making me question staying in this marriage.
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Old 31st January 2018, 1:14 PM   #2
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If it has always been this way, why on earth did you marry him? Or even stay with him for 4 years before that, for the matter??? Were you both waiting for marriage to have ANY type of intimacy/affection, including hugging/cuddling/etc?
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Old 31st January 2018, 1:26 PM   #3
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So you have been to counseling and he is aware that there is a problem, yet he still doesn't want to have sex and doesn't want to attempt to fix the situation...

How do you feel about an "open" marriage?? Is this something you'd want to discuss with him??

Best of both worlds, you go "play" with someone else, he can stay home & enjoy those games on his phone and you both continue to save for your son's education (as room mates)??

Just a thought...
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Old 31st January 2018, 1:27 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
If it has always been this way, why on earth did you marry him? Or even stay with him for 4 years before that, for the matter??? Were you both waiting for marriage to have ANY type of intimacy/affection, including hugging/cuddling/etc?
Good question, and no we were not waiting. I have no idea really the answer and often question this myself. I liked him for other reasons. I thought he was funny and caring, and I liked the fact that he didn't use me for sex.

I thought we could over come it and that maybe it would change. I grew up in a pretty rough household with a lot of chemical abuse and dependence and I just liked the fact that he was clean, went to college, didn't smoke, barely drank, and had a decent job.

I grew up poor with two parents not working, having to support myself since I was 16 with buying myself the things I needed and food. Moved out at 18 to go to college (on student loans) to now we are making 140K combined, and the thought of taking a step back and losing half of that salary is really bothersome to me.
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Old 31st January 2018, 1:28 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
So you have been to counseling and he is aware that there is a problem, yet he still doesn't want to have sex and doesn't want to attempt to fix the situation...

How do you feel about an "open" marriage?? Is this something you'd want to discuss with him??

Best of both worlds, you go "play" with someone else, he can stay home & enjoy those games on his phone and you both continue to save for your son's education (as room mates)??

Just a thought...
I have bought this up, and he said to go ahead, but to not bring them around our son.

It was during an argument so I am not sure how much he would really agree to this type of set-up.

Last edited by ZoeyLane; 31st January 2018 at 1:31 PM..
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Old 31st January 2018, 1:34 PM   #6
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Good question, and no we were not waiting. I have no idea really the answer and often question this myself. I liked him for other reasons. I thought he was funny and caring, and I liked the fact that he didn't use me for sex.

I thought we could over come it and that maybe it would change. I grew up in a pretty rough household with a lot of chemical abuse and dependence and I just liked the fact that he was clean, went to college, didn't smoke, barely drank, and had a decent job.

I grew up poor with two parents not working, having to support myself since I was 16 with buying myself the things I needed and food. Moved out at 18 to go to college (on student loans) to now we are making 140K combined, and the thought of taking a step back and losing half of that salary is really bothersome to me.
Oh, I see. I honestly don't know the answer to your question. I doubt counseling is going to help, because counseling is for people who actually had a good sexual relationship at the start and then things fell apart. But if you never had any, or if he's genuinely asexual, then counseling is going to be fairly useless. I mean, it could still help your relationship I suppose, but it isn't going to magically create intimacy out of complete nothingness.
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Old 31st January 2018, 1:36 PM   #7
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I have bought this up, and he said to go ahead, but to not bring them around our son.

It was during an argument so I am not sure how much he would really agree to this type of situation.
Bring it up again, but not in an argumentative state. Calm and peaceful...

I "dated" a married woman whose husband lost interest in sex. He told her to go out and find someone to "play" with and she found me (through a friend of a friend). OMG, I had a blast!! She hadn't had sex in over a year, and boy did she make up for lost time. We enjoyed each other (at my home) for about 6 months, then her husband seemed to regain his desire to touch her, so we stopped seeing each other. I lost track of her after that. I'm hopeful she is happy, wherever she is.
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Old 31st January 2018, 1:40 PM   #8
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Oh, I see. I honestly don't know the answer to your question. I doubt counseling is going to help, because counseling is for people who actually had a good sexual relationship at the start and then things fell apart. But if you never had any, or if he's genuinely asexual, then counseling is going to be fairly useless. I mean, it could still help your relationship I suppose, but it isn't going to magically create intimacy out of complete nothingness.
That is my concern and fear. I feel like i have made a mess out of my life.
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Old 31st January 2018, 1:46 PM   #9
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Bring it up again, but not in an argumentative state. Calm and peaceful...

I "dated" a married woman whose husband lost interest in sex. He told her to go out and find someone to "play" with and she found me (through a friend of a friend). OMG, I had a blast!! She hadn't had sex in over a year, and boy did she make up for lost time. We enjoyed each other (at my home) for about 6 months, then her husband seemed to regain his desire to touch her, so we stopped seeing each other. I lost track of her after that. I'm hopeful she is happy, wherever she is.
I've thought about bringing it up again.

I guess my issue is that since I have never cheated, I just have a hard time imagining finding someone that is okay with this sort of set up. I keep thinking if I am single, surely I can find someone eventually.

But to stay married, men don't necessarily hit on me knowing that I married. I work in an office that is not opened to the public, so my interactions with other people besides coworkers is limited.

Like I said I am interested in this guy, but he knows I am married with a kid. How am I supposed to say to him you know I am in an unhappy marriage, would you like to date? I don't know, maybe I am overthinking this. I really hate this. I hate that I am in this situation. I am such a fool!
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Old 31st January 2018, 2:04 PM   #10
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I guess my issue is that since I have never cheated,
It is not cheating if he knows and he's given his approval. Similar to my situation, the couple wanted to stay married, she wanted to have sex, he didn't, thus the green light to extra curricular activities.


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But to stay married, men don't necessarily hit on me knowing that I married.
Like I said I am interested in this guy, but he knows I am married with a kid. How am I supposed to say to him you know I am in an unhappy marriage, would you like to date? I don't know, maybe I am overthinking this. I really hate this. I hate that I am in this situation. I am such a fool!
OK... there are guys out there that don't care if you are married or not. Its nice that you want to tell them, but in the end as long as we don't get shot by the husband, we don't care. The fact that your husband is giving you the green light, you can tell your potential lover that, as well.

Here is how my situation happened. A used to hang out with these 3 other guys, drinking beers, watching sports, guy stuff. One of them was in a committed relationship when this woman described "your type of situation" to my friend. He told her to meet all of us at this local bar and join us for some beers, as my friend knew I was perfect for her. They had music and a small dance floor, at some point she wanted to dance and none of the other guys wanted to dance with her, so I went out on the dance floor with her. We danced through one song, then a slow dance came on, I started to leave the dance floor, but she pulled me back on and held me tight to her and we slow danced (close). Then she whispered in my ear that she wanted me to make love to her and other items that shouldn't be typed on this forum. "Little Lemming" got "Happy" and she knew she had peaked my interest. We waited until all of my friends let the bar, so we wouldn't make it obvious, then we went back to my place.

Maybe invite your potential lover out for a drink or two.... And tell him what you want...
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Old 31st January 2018, 2:08 PM   #11
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I'm pro marriage when the right conditions exist
for both partners, if you continue on this path I
would guess that things would change for the worse.
Not sure what having a lover on the side would do
to help you long term either.
If you did leave you would be entitled to child support +
your income, would that be enough for you to get by?.
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Old 31st January 2018, 2:12 PM   #12
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I read a book that you might find interesting...

"The Wild Oats Project" by Robin Rinaldi
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Old 31st January 2018, 4:08 PM   #13
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I'm pro marriage when the right conditions exist
for both partners, if you continue on this path I
would guess that things would change for the worse.
Not sure what having a lover on the side would do
to help you long term either.
If you did leave you would be entitled to child support +
your income, would that be enough for you to get by?.
Yes, with my income alone I would be okay, as long as we split daycare (which we would).

The problem is we wouldn't be able to save for college until my son was out of daycare since it's such a huge cost. And we wouldn't be taking family vacations every year (in the states) like I had envisioned which makes me sad.

My whole vision of family life and being happily married forever with our son watching him grow up together makes me sad.

My husband is a great father, so I know he will help raise him in every aspect. In fact if I left him I would be a little concerned as to how my husband will react because he will not be happy with having to split his time with our son. This whole thing is just so heartbreaking to me but I don't know what else to do.

My options as I see it are:
1. Stay in this marriage and just continue to be unhappy.
2. Divorce with hopes to find happiness one day.
3. Stay together and date on the side, but I am not really sure how much that would help in the long run.

We have other issues too, the lack of intimacy is the big one for me.

Last edited by ZoeyLane; 31st January 2018 at 4:10 PM..
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Old 31st January 2018, 4:11 PM   #14
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I read a book that you might find interesting...

"The Wild Oats Project" by Robin Rinaldi
Thanks, I will definitely check it out.
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Old 31st January 2018, 5:05 PM   #15
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So what is more important to you, being happy or staying for money and convenience?

I know which I would choose. You only live once ZoeyLane.
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