LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Want to leave...afraid to do it


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree18Likes
  • 2 Post By d0nnivain
  • 1 Post By Blueshadow46
  • 4 Post By TheWoman
  • 3 Post By PegNosePete
  • 1 Post By Downtown
  • 2 Post By stillafool
  • 2 Post By PegNosePete
  • 3 Post By hestheone66
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 29th October 2017, 9:24 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
Want to leave...afraid to do it

Backstory...been married for 26 years. Have 2 grown kids and one 16 yr old at home. We had only dated a short time & i got pregnant so we got married. Fast forward to present. I dont think i was ever in love with my husband. Sometimes i think it was just the idea of being married & having a family because i was from a broken home. My husband works, doesnt drink or do drugs or hit me. Basically a good guy. However he is very controlling. Doesnt like me talking to other people, even gets mad when i spend time with my older kids. Just questions & complains about everything i do. I havent been happy for a lot of years. About 10 months ago i finally told him i wanted a divorce. He was devastated. Said he would change & i agreed to try and fix things. Im not sexually attracted to him, almost cringe when he touches me. We tried counselling a few times. I was making changes but when we'd get to the appts he'd say i hadnt made any changes. Nothing is good enough for him. Several times hes threatened to kill himself if i leave. Even texted me a pic while i was at work of him holding a gun under his chin. I brought this up to the counselor and of course my husband said he has no intentions of hurting himself. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to be here or i want him to leave. But then i worry what if he does do something stupid. I couldnt live with that guilt for the rest of my life. Im angry because hes doing this. I just needed someone to talk to. Have no one close to me that i feel comfortable talking to because if he could lose his job if his employer thought he was unstable.
Blueshadow46 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 9:47 AM   #2
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,167
Are you in individual counseling too? If not, start.

Threats of suicide in this instance are manipulative. If he does kill himself it will be his choice. For your kids' sake, I hope he doesn't but they should be made aware of dad's threats.

Ask yourself the old Ann Landers question: would you be better off with him or without him? Act accordingly.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 12:12 PM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
I went once by myself and when he found out i got yelled at because he accused me of just going to talk about him. Several years ago i suffered severe anxiety and panic attacks. I havent had any episodes in years. But the past couple months ive had 2. I cant help but wonder if its because of all this stress. His behavior just doesnt seem normal. He gets mad if i carry on a converstation with someone besides him. Says i dont talk to him. If i have nothing to say to him then i shouldnt have anything to say to anyone else. We bought a nice sports car last fall & he even hides the keys so i cant drive it. Says im too pretty & he doesnt want guys seeing me drive it. Thats just insane. Its stupid crazy everday stuff that normal people dont do!
Blueshadow46 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2017, 2:02 PM   #4
Established Member
 
TheWoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 252
If and when you decide to leave (and from what you have written it sounds like a good idea), make sure you have your ducks in a row. Leaving men like this is a nightmare on a scale that is hard to convey. Once the self pity hasnt worked, he'll get angry and vengeful. You need to be prepared. Money, place to live, lawyers. Make sure you fully understand your family finances. Do not go into this unprepared.
__________________
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full for language & ideas, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense. - Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

Last edited by TheWoman; 29th October 2017 at 2:10 PM..
TheWoman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th October 2017, 4:54 AM   #5
Established Member
 
PegNosePete's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 8,927
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueshadow46 View Post
texted me a pic while i was at work of him holding a gun under his chin
Look this is a very serious thing. Maybe he wasn't serious or maybe he was, you simply don't know. Are you so sure that he wasn't serious, that you're prepared to gamble your kids and your own life on it? This is exactly how murder-suicides happen. He has a gun and he is depressed and/or mentally unstable. You need to GET OUT and GET YOUR KIDS OUT.

NOW.
__________________
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-- Douglas Adams
PegNosePete is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th October 2017, 8:08 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Downtown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2,386
Blue, you're describing behavior that is typical of a person having a great fear of abandonment. It usually manifests itself as the irrational jealousy and very controlling behavior you describe here. Of course, the controlling is much easier to achieve when you don't have the support of close friends and family members. The result is that he will try to isolate you from other loved ones and limit your time with them. Moreover, when you spend substantial time with other people (e.g., your adult children), he will misperceive it as you "choosing them over him."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueshadow46 View Post
About 10 months ago i finally told him i wanted a divorce. He was devastated.
Having one's worst fear come to realization is devastating. Did your H experience abandonment (or have an emotionally unavailable mother) in early childhood?

Quote:
He could lose his job if his employer thought he was unstable.
You do not seem to be describing instability here. Rather, you're describing a man who behaves consistently -- i.e., doing fine until some minor action or comment triggers his abandonment fear. Are you actually seeing evidence of emotional instability? That is, are you seeing periodic mood changes or a repeating cycle of him pushing you away (creating fights over nothing) and then pulling you back (love bombing)?
Downtown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th October 2017, 8:19 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,253
Definitely get your ducks in a row when you decide to leave. I would suggest a restraining order. He is attempting suicide but may decide at the last minute that he doesn't want you to live either. You have to get out because you will not be able to go on like this forever. Do not try to move out by yourself but have other people with you to pack and move. He will hurt you if you are alone. Good luck as you are going to need it.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st October 2017, 4:23 PM   #8
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Downtown View Post
Blue, you're describing behavior that is typical of a person having a great fear of abandonment. It usually manifests itself as the irrational jealousy and very controlling behavior you describe here. Of course, the controlling is much easier to achieve when you don't have the support of close friends and family members. The result is that he will try to isolate you from other loved ones and limit your time with them. Moreover, when you spend substantial time with other people (e.g., your adult children), he will misperceive it as you "choosing them over him."

Having one's worst fear come to realization is devastating. Did your H experience abandonment (or have an emotionally unavailable mother) in early childhood?

You do not seem to be describing instability here. Rather, you're describing a man who behaves consistently -- i.e., doing fine until some minor action or comment triggers his abandonment fear. Are you actually seeing evidence of emotional instability? That is, are you seeing periodic mood changes or a repeating cycle of him pushing you away (creating fights over nothing) and then pulling you back (love bombing)?
All the time he says i choose other people over him. I dont go anywhere. If im not at work im at home. His parents were together for like 30 years. So he had his mom and dad when he was growing up. Ive never heard him say anything bad about his childhood.

My mom & step dad passed away 3 years ago within 7 hours of each other. The house we live in was theirs and was left to me. It is paid off and in my name only. He keeps asking me to add him to the deed but i am half afraid to. Id like to keep it for my kids to have.

He has all my login information for email and facebook and our cell phone bill. He checks it all the time & will question me on why it takes so long to answer him but why do i answer someone else immediately.

I have never taken into consideration that he would hurt me but now im beginning to question that. He never ever has but i guess if hes desperate enough its hard to say what he may do.
Blueshadow46 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st October 2017, 7:04 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Downtown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2,386
Blue, it would be helpful if you would answer the questions asked in my last paragraph above. At issue is whether you've been seeing persistent emotional instability over the past 26 years? Specifically, are you seeing periodic mood changes or a repeating cycle of him pushing you away (creating fights over nothing) and then pulling you back (love bombing)? I ask because unstable people tend to exhibit this push-pull cycle.
Downtown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st October 2017, 9:05 PM   #10
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
Yes he will start arguments over the dumbest things then turn around an hour later and act like nothing ever happend. After i thought about it, hes done that for years.
Blueshadow46 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st October 2017, 9:44 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Downtown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2,386
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueshadow46 View Post
Yes he will start arguments over the dumbest things then turn around an hour later and act like nothing ever happened.
Blue, you are describing the push-away phase of the cycle. Did you also see repeated occurrences of the pull-you-back phase? That is, despite your belief that you never loved him, are you convinced that he genuinely loved you and that he made that clear to you over and over again?
Downtown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 6:04 AM   #12
Established Member
 
PegNosePete's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 8,927
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueshadow46 View Post
I have never taken into consideration that he would hurt me but now im beginning to question that. He never ever has but i guess if hes desperate enough its hard to say what he may do.
Right. Have you ever heard the phrase "it's always the quiet ones" or "nobody ever thought he was capable of that"? It is almost always said in news interviews when tragedies happen.

This guy HAS A GUN and has demonstrated clear EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY.

You need to GET OUT NOW before you become a news story, and all your neighbours are saying in interviews, "he seemed to quiet...".
PegNosePete is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 4:53 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 294
Quote:
Originally Posted by PegNosePete View Post
Right. Have you ever heard the phrase "it's always the quiet ones" or "nobody ever thought he was capable of that"? It is almost always said in news interviews when tragedies happen.

This guy HAS A GUN and has demonstrated clear EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY.

You need to GET OUT NOW before you become a news story, and all your neighbours are saying in interviews, "he seemed to quiet...".
I had a controlling ex who was unstable and did push/pull..he also had a gun and we live a country where very few people have guns.

The house was only in my name..

I. Planned for months my departure. Secured a new rental place and moved the bare necessities out when he was at work (he barely worked but I got him a job during the school holidays)

I sold the house around him . He never knew where I lived.

I'm extremely happy to be free if the toxic relationship...I went completely NC..no points staying in touch with a manipulator.

He does not know how to love...he Oly knows control

Sell your parents house no advertising or sale boatds Use the money to set up elsewhere...

You can be happy again. You DESERVE to be happy..
Because of suicide threats, when you leave alert his friends family and police.

Good luck. Keep posting.
hestheone66 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
*New* Afraid to Leave wannabefree4me Separation and Divorce 6 15th July 2013 4:20 PM
afraid my bf is going to leave lexi29 Dating 14 4th January 2008 2:06 PM
Afraid He Will Leave CinderellaElla Dating 1 24th August 2006 2:15 PM
Want Out, But Afraid To Leave lonelyDad Separation and Divorce 3 25th June 2005 10:41 AM
Afraid to stay and afraid to leave kizmet Abuse 6 11th August 2004 9:01 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:59 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.