Suddenly sad

[amers53]

If you read my intro post (here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/630808-how-act#post7372930) you know my marriage has been anything but perfect. I often contemplated breaking up with my husband when we were just dating, thought about calling off the wedding, and have thought about divorce more times in 7 years than I can count.

 

I never wanted to leave, I fought it with every fiber of my being. We've done therapy, I've gotten self help books, I've screamed, I've cried, I've begged, I'm written him letters, I've told him calmly. He knew, he's always known I wasn't happy and that he didn't treat me well. Like the saying goes...I'm not happy all day every day, but I am happy every day. Well my marriage was like that, except the opposite. I wasn't unhappy all day every day, but most days, overall, things weren't good. We've had good times, we've had great times. We've laughed, I tell jokes and he is the only person in the world that gets them and genuinely laughs....when things are good, they are very very good. But too often, they are bad.

 

A year ago, we had a fight....another fight, and just like a lightswitch flipping on or off, something flipped in me and I was done. In that moment I knew, I knew I had to leave. Unlike all the years before, I didn't just know I needed to leave, I now actually wanted to. This last year has been very up and down...the subject of divorce has come up a lot, and some of those times have been major discussions in which he begs and pleads me to keep trying. He has made some serious changes, but overall I think it's just too late. I no longer feel what I need to feel, to keep working on this marriage. Even during the times in this last year when things were good and I thought maybe we did have a future, I was dissapointed, because I now felt like I couldn't leave if he was now being good to me, and I had been looking forward to being on my own.

 

I really hadn't experienced many sad times about leaving in the last year...until now. My plan is to file in November, and I had my first consultation with a lawyer last week. Just in the last week, I have been feeling very sad, sentimental, and emotional over it all...sometimes having to leave the room for fear I will burst into tears. I still don't feel much "crazy in love with him" feelings anymore, but I guess it feels kind of like losing a friend...I suddenly have this weird desire to be comforted by HIM, because I feel sad about leaving HIM...despite knowing I do still want to leave.

 

I mean, we've been together for 10 years, he's the father of my kids, our first was stillborn and going through that with him has formed this incredibly strong bond and it makes me so sad that no one else will ever understand my feelings over it like he does. I guess it's just the finality of it all...the fact that I am finally taking real steps to the end. **** finally got real and it hurts. It hurts to go, but I don't want to stay. At least not with how things are.

 

If you were the one that chose to leave, either because you wanted to, or eventually were forced to because of how your spouse treated you, how did you feel at the end? Did you go through this sadness? Did it let up once everything was done and over? I am quite certain I will be fine, more than fine once everything is done. It's just getting through it all is so sad....I think back to my wedding day, one of the happiest days of my life, and I am so sad this is the end result. I feel so guilty about tearing apart our family, and the thought that our daughter may never remember us actually being together and the happy times we have had. It breaks my heart. Please tell me it gets better soon?

[somuchfortheone]

If you read my intro post (here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/630808-how-act#post7372930) you know my marriage has been anything but perfect. I often contemplated breaking up with my husband when we were just dating, thought about calling off the wedding, and have thought about divorce more times in 7 years than I can count.

 

I never wanted to leave, I fought it with every fiber of my being. We've done therapy, I've gotten self help books, I've screamed, I've cried, I've begged, I'm written him letters, I've told him calmly. He knew, he's always known I wasn't happy and that he didn't treat me well. Like the saying goes...I'm not happy all day every day, but I am happy every day. Well my marriage was like that, except the opposite. I wasn't unhappy all day every day, but most days, overall, things weren't good. We've had good times, we've had great times. We've laughed, I tell jokes and he is the only person in the world that gets them and genuinely laughs....when things are good, they are very very good. But too often, they are bad.

 

A year ago, we had a fight....another fight, and just like a lightswitch flipping on or off, something flipped in me and I was done. In that moment I knew, I knew I had to leave. Unlike all the years before, I didn't just know I needed to leave, I now actually wanted to. This last year has been very up and down...the subject of divorce has come up a lot, and some of those times have been major discussions in which he begs and pleads me to keep trying. He has made some serious changes, but overall I think it's just too late. I no longer feel what I need to feel, to keep working on this marriage. Even during the times in this last year when things were good and I thought maybe we did have a future, I was dissapointed, because I now felt like I couldn't leave if he was now being good to me, and I had been looking forward to being on my own.

 

I really hadn't experienced many sad times about leaving in the last year...until now. My plan is to file in November, and I had my first consultation with a lawyer last week. Just in the last week, I have been feeling very sad, sentimental, and emotional over it all...sometimes having to leave the room for fear I will burst into tears. I still don't feel much "crazy in love with him" feelings anymore, but I guess it feels kind of like losing a friend...I suddenly have this weird desire to be comforted by HIM, because I feel sad about leaving HIM...despite knowing I do still want to leave.

 

I mean, we've been together for 10 years, he's the father of my kids, our first was stillborn and going through that with him has formed this incredibly strong bond and it makes me so sad that no one else will ever understand my feelings over it like he does. I guess it's just the finality of it all...the fact that I am finally taking real steps to the end. **** finally got real and it hurts. It hurts to go, but I don't want to stay. At least not with how things are.

 

If you were the one that chose to leave, either because you wanted to, or eventually were forced to because of how your spouse treated you, how did you feel at the end? Did you go through this sadness? Did it let up once everything was done and over? I am quite certain I will be fine, more than fine once everything is done. It's just getting through it all is so sad....I think back to my wedding day, one of the happiest days of my life, and I am so sad this is the end result. I feel so guilty about tearing apart our family, and the thought that our daughter may never remember us actually being together and the happy times we have had. It breaks my heart. Please tell me it gets better soon?

 

 

Have you concerned doing a separation... ? Sounds like you have deep love there. Maybe time apart and a date night once a week could rebuild the passion?

[amaysngrace]

You have a lot to think about and you have some time still. Maybe just use this time to really observe your life around you, watch him as your husband and how he is as a daddy and identify your feelings for him in all aspects.

 

You have time. Use it.

[Doublegold]

I am sorry that you and your husband suffered the loss of your child.

 

How long have you been separated? Maybe you should slow down the process and make sure this is what you want. Grief and mourning for the end of the marriage is to be expected, but this may be more than that.

 

Personally, I was married 27 years and three of those were separated. There was no sadness for me when we divorced, and I think he had a girlfriend by that time even though he didn't want to divorce. We managed to build a new relationship where we enjoy family time, holidays with our grown kids.

 

Take time to sort your feelings out. Take care.

[whatnot]

11 years ago....my ex left with another man. For some reason...I never really blamed her. I do not know why. I blamed him. He was a business associate...coming in from out of town...to see my wife....in my home...when I was not here. I think I might have believed that he betrayed me as well. And...for some reason...it never blamed her all that much. I think I just knew that she just rode emotion, and emotion is what drove her actions. But...I knew this about her when I married her....so...it was almost as if what she did was never a shock...and in keeping with who she is.

 

Now...that has nothing to do with your case....*probably*, There was a part of me that....once she was gone....and I was alone....there was an afternoon where...I had this experience....the experience of "evil"....I experienced what evil was. It wasn't that *she* was evil....and not even that *he* was evil. It was the experience (that *I* experienced....of evil being involved....in some way....in the whole thing. That experience only lasted a minute or two...but it's not one that I will *ever* forget. It wasn't a feeling....it was that I *experienced* evil. That's not an experience I will ever forget).....(and I'm *not* calling you, nor your actions....evil. But...it left me with the experience...that was real. I never truly believed she ever had my best interest at heart. But...in some very strange way...it never felt "personal" to me, what she did. I think I just knew/know how she operated...and it wasn't me that caused her decisions. She's a grown woman. She's responsible for her own actions and reactions....and it never felt like she just "had it in for me". She was just chasing what it was that she believed would make her happiest. How can anyone blame anyone else for doing that? Rightly or wrongly....I think that was my own attitude toward it all. (that's not to say I wasn't angry about it....but...those feelings were just that....*feelings*....and feelings are not always a good guide for attitudes...at least for me.

 

I agree with the previous posters amers53. It sounds as if there's something keeping you from actually pulling the plug. It's that you sound somewhat torn. It's easy to blame others for our feelings....because....sometimes...many many times...they are the cause of them. In your case....you sound very reasonable....and loving.

 

Maybe love isn't always about how we feel? Maybe it's more than that. Maybe it's being true to ourselves....and having the honesty with ourselves to know .... whether our actions are in our own...and others...best interest.

 

Take a deep breath. We say "life is short, stop this pain so I can breath again".....but....it's not always the case. Sometimes life is a marathon....not a sprint.

 

You'll find the way....that's right for you and yours.

 

Take care....and take care of you. It sounds to me as if you're not sold on what's in your own best interest as we speak. (and that may be because you care what happens to others). This one is important. It's not one you want to regret. Not meant to guilt trip you... just free flowing thoughts that might be of help....or not.

 

 

I'm sorry if this came across wrong. Divorce...in the way you are describing it...is so heartbreaking.

 

I'm just some guy on a computer....take it for what it's worth....

 

Take care....and good luck.....

 

David

 

EDIT:......we see on TV....and we hear society telling us....it's almost become a part of life....that divorce is something that happens....it's just a part of life. This has made me realize.....that what's being sold as "ok"....well....divorce is no laughing matter. It's the most difficult thing you'll ever go through. They leave that part out.

 

Looking back...in my case....it could have never worked out anyway. Maybe you'll see that after some time if you go through with this. I don't know. Your case....your relationship....with your friend.....he may be a better friend than my ex was. (he couldn't be a worse one lol)

 

I feel your pain. And I believe anyone who reads your post would.

Edited August 30, 2017 by whatnot

[amers53]

I am sorry that you and your husband suffered the loss of your child.

 

How long have you been separated? Maybe you should slow down the process and make sure this is what you want. Grief and mourning for the end of the marriage is to be expected, but this may be more than that.

 

Personally, I was married 27 years and three of those were separated. There was no sadness for me when we divorced, and I think he had a girlfriend by that time even though he didn't want to divorce. We managed to build a new relationship where we enjoy family time, holidays with our grown kids.

 

Take time to sort your feelings out. Take care.

 

Thank you for your kind words about our loss and your reply. Thank you everyone...I think to some degree I just need to be told "I understand, and it is hard".

 

Sadly for me to stay in our marriage, I would be settling and never truly happy. We're still in our 30's, I just cannot fathom spending the next 40+ years forever thinking about divorce every couple of months. Can we still have good times? Of course. Can I still go through phases with him where I am truly truly happy? I have no doubt. But I will also never truly be at peace because there will always be the days where I want to leave so badly and kick myself for not just going through with it. A life with him will mean I can never be at peace.

 

I equate it to my wedding dress (or really anything I have an attachment to that basically does not serve a purpose anymore). It sits in the corner of the basement, in a box. Most days, even months on end I don't ever think about it. I don't even see it when I go down there because it's off in a dark corner. But if I took that dress, took it out to my car, and drove to this charity that re purposes wedding gowns, I can just imagine all these sentimental emotions coming up, and I simply could not give up my dress. It does me no good, don't even think about it most of the time, and if I discovered one day that it was just gone from the basement, I probably wouldn't care. But the actual act of handing it over and giving it away makes me sad.

 

Maybe a bad analogy but I picture myself down the road, when the divorce is final and I am on my own, and I picture myself being happy, at peace, and calm. Surely sometimes things might make me sad, but for the most part, I know if I could snap my fingers and be *there* I would be ok. It's the getting there that is hard. Seeing his broken heart across his face, hearing him beg and plead with me to not leave. The truth is, I DO love him and if he had treated me how a decent human being treats someone they love all this time, I would never ever consider divorce. But for 10 years he has treated me as if I were his worst enemy. I didn't just get bored with our marriage, our passion didn't just fizzle out. He has treated me like downright **** most of the time, and he really does not deserve the pain and agony that I am in right now over hurting him. Whether he tries to be or not, he is a master manipulator.

 

But it's like there are two sides to him. I'm not actually suggesting that he has a split personality or anything like that...but for so long I've stayed because of the man he can be...but I've wanted to go because of the man he often is. The good side of him, IS loving and caring and funny and kind. But too often, and for too many years, the other side of him that is uncaring and distant, and sometimes downright mean is the one I see more.

 

Even now, during this last year that he has been making changes...I still cannot say for certain if those changes are fueled by finally realizing that if he doesn't change, he will lose me....or simply because he does not want to give up his comfy lifestyle and having someone around. It's scary as hell to realize that after 10 years, you still do not really know who you're married to, and what his true intentions are. I do believe that deep down he really does love me...or at least that is what I want to believe. But sometimes I think the fact that I have a pulse and I keep him company is enough for him. I could really be anyone, and maybe it's not ME he loves, but just having SOMEONE around.

 

I guess it's just feeling things getting real...for 10 years it was always "I know I should go", "we're not going to make it till death do us part", and "one day I will leave him", to that day is now and it's actually happening. It just sucks. Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

[Steve51]

I always amazes me how so many marry someone that is iffy and then complain afterwards. You bought it and it has no warranty so you are stuck with it as long as you live with it. No sense posting about every problem due to the key issues that existed prior to marriage. The expression of you made your bed, now lay in it, comes to mind.

 

I find it difficult to have sympathy for someone who bought something as is and then complains about it. You know your choices so make one instead of asking strangers for their advice. Sometimes I feel like some come here to troll with a marriage with more drama than any soap opera on TV. Not you of course, just some with a lousy marriage with lots of problems but afraid to divorce and rather complain. I even often wonder if some who post her are actually married or have real problems. You know the type. Someone who posts over and over again about how often their spouse cheats on them and for some reason need advice about how to resolve that issue. Duh.

 

Anyway, I went off on a tangent. You have to kill the root of your problem and stop treating its symptoms.

[Doublegold]

Amers-

 

It is really really good you are in touch with your feelings. So important. It took two years of grief counseling following my parents deaths to come to the realization that you have reached after 11 years of marriage. A year after the counseling ended I called my Therapist and told him I was divorcing and he said "So you're tired of settling--there is nothing wrong with settling as long as that is what you want". My Therapy rarely touched on my marriage. But he knew. I went back to him for a year. I never looked back.

 

Something doesn't have to last forever to be a success. I know my marriage was a success. And that is all that matters to me. We have two incredible grown children who are the light of our lives!

 

You shared a time with him, it doesn't have to be a lifetime.

[amers53]

I always amazes me how so many marry someone that is iffy and then complain afterwards. You bought it and it has no warranty so you are stuck with it as long as you live with it. No sense posting about every problem due to the key issues that existed prior to marriage. The expression of you made your bed, now lay in it, comes to mind.

 

I find it difficult to have sympathy for someone who bought something as is and then complains about it. You know your choices so make one instead of asking strangers for their advice. Sometimes I feel like some come here to troll with a marriage with more drama than any soap opera on TV. Not you of course, just some with a lousy marriage with lots of problems but afraid to divorce and rather complain. I even often wonder if some who post her are actually married or have real problems. You know the type. Someone who posts over and over again about how often their spouse cheats on them and for some reason need advice about how to resolve that issue. Duh.

 

Anyway, I went off on a tangent. You have to kill the root of your problem and stop treating its symptoms.

 

I'm not sure whether to call you an a-hole, or agree with you. Yes, I did make my choice to marry him. He didn't dupe me, he didn't promise me the world and then not deliver. Yep, I totally settled for him then, because I was afraid there would be nobody later. I broke up with guys who were less jerks than he was, because I knew I deserved better and I wouldn't settle. But as I got closer and closer to my 30's and the pressure to have kids before it was too late crept in, I went against my better judgement and married the guy who was guilty of way more bad things than any of my ex's combined. I loved his family, and when things were good, I loved him. I still do. That's the problem with abusive, manipulative people. They're not abusive and manipulative all the time. So just when you think you cannot take it anymore, they do everything right and tell you everything you want to hear and then you just feel downright crazy and you don't know which way is up anymore.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do get your point, and it is easy to feel annoyed and want to say boo hoo when you look at things in a black and white way. But that just begs the question, why come here, why read everyone's "complaints" if they annoy you? Why ask why we choose to do something and then complain about it, when you chose to come to a board that doesn't seem to relate to you at all (according to your profile you are married and don't seem to be separating or divorcing) and complain about the posts? Just don't read them and don't judge someone for the choices they made in situations you know nothing about, and then satisfy your need to rant when someone is in obvious pain and trying to deal with a very difficult road ahead.

[amers53]

Amers-

 

 

 

Something doesn't have to last forever to be a success. I know my marriage was a success. And that is all that matters to me. We have two incredible grown children who are the light of our lives!

 

You shared a time with him, it doesn't have to be a lifetime.

 

I love that. That is a really nice way to think about it.

[charliegirl816]

I can relate to the emotions you're feeling and you mentioned you both have done therapy. Yet you've shared many things that I believe a counselor can help you work through. As women we need to talk things out and the benefit of working through your feelings and emotions with a counselor can be the best way to help you move forward in whatever direction you chose. When we can process what our part in the failure of the marriage was, with a counselor, we will be able to move forward and not take the baggage of the past with us. Please take your time and work through it, for the benefit of your children and the future.

[MidlifeMama]

Thank you for your kind words about our loss and your reply. Thank you everyone...I think to some degree I just need to be told "I understand, and it is hard".

 

Sadly for me to stay in our marriage, I would be settling and never truly happy. We're still in our 30's, I just cannot fathom spending the next 40+ years forever thinking about divorce every couple of months. Can we still have good times? Of course. Can I still go through phases with him where I am truly truly happy? I have no doubt. But I will also never truly be at peace because there will always be the days where I want to leave so badly and kick myself for not just going through with it. A life with him will mean I can never be at peace.

 

I equate it to my wedding dress (or really anything I have an attachment to that basically does not serve a purpose anymore). It sits in the corner of the basement, in a box. Most days, even months on end I don't ever think about it. I don't even see it when I go down there because it's off in a dark corner. But if I took that dress, took it out to my car, and drove to this charity that re purposes wedding gowns, I can just imagine all these sentimental emotions coming up, and I simply could not give up my dress. It does me no good, don't even think about it most of the time, and if I discovered one day that it was just gone from the basement, I probably wouldn't care. But the actual act of handing it over and giving it away makes me sad.

 

Maybe a bad analogy but I picture myself down the road, when the divorce is final and I am on my own, and I picture myself being happy, at peace, and calm. Surely sometimes things might make me sad, but for the most part, I know if I could snap my fingers and be *there* I would be ok. It's the getting there that is hard. Seeing his broken heart across his face, hearing him beg and plead with me to not leave. The truth is, I DO love him and if he had treated me how a decent human being treats someone they love all this time, I would never ever consider divorce. But for 10 years he has treated me as if I were his worst enemy. I didn't just get bored with our marriage, our passion didn't just fizzle out. He has treated me like downright **** most of the time, and he really does not deserve the pain and agony that I am in right now over hurting him. Whether he tries to be or not, he is a master manipulator.

 

But it's like there are two sides to him. I'm not actually suggesting that he has a split personality or anything like that...but for so long I've stayed because of the man he can be...but I've wanted to go because of the man he often is. The good side of him, IS loving and caring and funny and kind. But too often, and for too many years, the other side of him that is uncaring and distant, and sometimes downright mean is the one I see more.

 

Even now, during this last year that he has been making changes...I still cannot say for certain if those changes are fueled by finally realizing that if he doesn't change, he will lose me....or simply because he does not want to give up his comfy lifestyle and having someone around. It's scary as hell to realize that after 10 years, you still do not really know who you're married to, and what his true intentions are. I do believe that deep down he really does love me...or at least that is what I want to believe. But sometimes I think the fact that I have a pulse and I keep him company is enough for him. I could really be anyone, and maybe it's not ME he loves, but just having SOMEONE around.

 

I guess it's just feeling things getting real...for 10 years it was always "I know I should go", "we're not going to make it till death do us part", and "one day I will leave him", to that day is now and it's actually happening. It just sucks. Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

 

I feel the same way! And on the flip side, I want someone with a pulse. I very much can relate to your dilemma!

[MidlifeMama]

I'm not sure whether to call you an a-hole, or agree with you. Yes, I did make my choice to marry him. He didn't dupe me, he didn't promise me the world and then not deliver. Yep, I totally settled for him then, because I was afraid there would be nobody later. I broke up with guys who were less jerks than he was, because I knew I deserved better and I wouldn't settle. But as I got closer and closer to my 30's and the pressure to have kids before it was too late crept in, I went against my better judgement and married the guy who was guilty of way more bad things than any of my ex's combined. I loved his family, and when things were good, I loved him. I still do. That's the problem with abusive, manipulative people. They're not abusive and manipulative all the time. So just when you think you cannot take it anymore, they do everything right and tell you everything you want to hear and then you just feel downright crazy and you don't know which way is up anymore.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do get your point, and it is easy to feel annoyed and want to say boo hoo when you look at things in a black and white way. But that just begs the question, why come here, why read everyone's "complaints" if they annoy you? Why ask why we choose to do something and then complain about it, when you chose to come to a board that doesn't seem to relate to you at all (according to your profile you are married and don't seem to be separating or divorcing) and complain about the posts? Just don't read them and don't judge someone for the choices they made in situations you know nothing about, and then satisfy your need to rant when someone is in obvious pain and trying to deal with a very difficult road ahead.

 

Exactly. I don't get the people who are on these threads that seem to not be able to relate at all but want to bash, chime in to make one feel worse than they already do? Something going on with them perhaps that they don't divulge? Jilted, hurting, strikes a nerve as they are also not happy. Otherwise why even be on the board? Those who can relate, offer objective advise and or understanding are the ones I am interested in reading posts by.

[MidlifeMama]

I love that. That is a really nice way to think about it.

 

I agree! Love this!