What/how did you tell your kids?

[BetrayedDad]

I've been married for 18 years (Anniversary was on Monday) and I just signed the Summons & Complaint yesterday (it's been a tough week). We are divorcing because I found out that my wife had been cheating on me for the past 4 years. We went through mediation and our divorce should be finalized in a few weeks. My STBXW has already found a new house and she hopes to close in a few weeks.

 

We have two young kids (ages 8 and 11) and have not told them anything yet. I am struggling with what to tell them.

 

I would love to hear how others explained their divorce to their kids. At what point in the divorce process did you tell them and what exactly did you say? What was their reaction? What worked well and what do you wish you did differently?

 

Any feedback would be appreciated.

[somanymistakes]

My parents split up when I was a couple years older than your kids. They fought a lot for years and finally one day Dad moved out. I didn't know what the final straw was, and I had no interest in asking. I had a fair idea he was interested in other women but I don't know if it was flirting, an affair, a whole bunch of affairs, one night stands in every city... the man was a pilot it could have been anything. Not until I was an adult did my mother hint to me that he was at least flirting with the mother of a good friend of mine, which would probably have been upsetting to me at the time. Doesn't bother me now, but I'm happy they didn't tell me then.

 

Really all that mattered to me was that they were splitting up and how that affected me. I did NOT want to try and get them back together, at all.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Kids are innately self absorbed, so a lot of their angst will revolve around how THEIR lives will change. Make sure you're specific in telling them what exactly their life will be like now, what will be changing and what will stay the same, and reassure them they they will not be losing/missing out on X, Y, and Z, etc. Tell them you're sure they will have questions in the coming days and weeks and they can come to you with any question at any time and you'll drop everything and talk to them about it.

 

Big hugs. This is not easy .

[BetrayedDad]

One more thing I'll add is that we rarely even argue in front of our kids. I think that is partly why I'm struggling with what to say because I don't think they have any idea that our divorce is coming.

[road]

I've been married for 18 years (Anniversary was on Monday) and I just signed the Summons & Complaint yesterday (it's been a tough week). We are divorcing because I found out that my wife had been cheating on me for the past 4 years. We went through mediation and our divorce should be finalized in a few weeks. My STBXW has already found a new house and she hopes to close in a few weeks.

 

We have two young kids (ages 8 and 11) and have not told them anything yet. I am struggling with what to tell them.

 

I would love to hear how others explained their divorce to their kids. At what point in the divorce process did you tell them and what exactly did you say? What was their reaction? What worked well and what do you wish you did differently?

 

Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

You tell them in simple age appropriate truth.

 

Married people do not have boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

Well mom has a boyfriend and has been going out on dates

with him his name is _________________. What mom

has been doing is known as having an affair.

 

You have told them the truth.

 

They now know that the divorce was not caused by them.

 

They will know that they did not do anything to cause the

divorce so they are blame free/guilt free.

 

They will know it was their moms decision to have and affair.

 

They will know who the OM is by name.

[road]

My parents split up when I was a couple years older than your kids. They fought a lot for years and finally one day Dad moved out. I didn't know what the final straw was, and I had no interest in asking. I had a fair idea he was interested in other women but I don't know if it was flirting, an affair, a whole bunch of affairs, one night stands in every city... the man was a pilot it could have been anything. Not until I was an adult did my mother hint to me that he was at least flirting with the mother of a good friend of mine, which would probably have been upsetting to me at the time. Doesn't bother me now, but I'm happy they didn't tell me then.

 

Really all that mattered to me was that they were splitting up and how that affected me. I did NOT want to try and get them back together, at all.

 

Nothing to do with helping the kids to put things back together.

 

Rather give them the tools to understand the truth and

not have them falsely take the blame for the divorce.

 

Too often the kids post divorce are left with only if I did this or

did not do this there would of been no divorce. Kids all to easily

and all often blame themselves for the divorce happening.

 

Kids do not need the burden of it was because of my failings

my family fell apart.

 

The simple truth lifts that burden off of them.

[SammySammy]

You tell them in simple age appropriate truth.

 

Married people do not have boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

Well mom has a boyfriend and has been going out on dates

with him his name is _________________. What mom

has been doing is known as having an affair.

 

You have told them the truth.

 

They now know that the divorce was not caused by them.

 

They will know that they did not do anything to cause the

divorce so they are blame free/guilt free.

 

They will know it was their moms decision to have and affair.

 

They will know who the OM is by name.

 

I agree that you tell them the truth, but be careful about bashing their mother. That's still their mother. They still have to live with the aftermath of her decisions.

 

It's a fine line to walk. Just remember that you will have at least a working relationship with all of these people going forward. So, be tactful. Truthful, but cautious.

[somanymistakes]

You tell them in simple age appropriate truth.

 

Married people do not have boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

Well mom has a boyfriend and has been going out on dates

with him his name is _________________. What mom

has been doing is known as having an affair.

 

You have told them the truth.

 

They now know that the divorce was not caused by them.

 

They will know that they did not do anything to cause the

divorce so they are blame free/guilt free.

 

They will know it was their moms decision to have and affair.

 

They will know who the OM is by name.

 

I'm not sure naming and shaming is good for the kids, especially in situations where the affair relationship is not going to continue. Like I said, I'm glad that I did not know that my dad was up to something with my good friend's mom because that would have caused conflict between us, at a time when my life was complicated enough and I did not need that extra burden.

 

In particular if you give the impression to a child that one person is a big villain, they may feel like they're required to hate and scorn that villain in order to keep the love of the good parent, and that can be very stressful and difficult.

 

If a marriage is breaking up so that the new couple can be together, then in that case your version of explanation makes sense, although I would leave out "having an affair" . If they're old enough to know what that means they won't need it spelled out for them. But if Mom is leaving to be with a new boyfriend, then they need to have it explained that Mom had a boyfriend while she was married and you're not supposed to do that, so the marriage is ending.

 

It's tricky because you don't want to get accused of poisoning your children's minds against the other parent, even when the other parent is very obviously the one in the wrong. First because it can be used against you as a sign that you weren't considerate of the children's feelings, and second because it can backfire. Sometimes kids will get very defensive of whichever parent they think the other is 'being mean to'.

 

But I bolded the one bit above because that's the only part based on personal experience and the rest of this is just me hyopthesizing based on other peopel's stories of divorce and kids and stepkids and so on.

[cocorico]

I'd,sit down with the S2BXW and agree together what to tell them and when. Then get everyone together, tell them the plan, reassure them that you love them, that it's not their fault, that it can't be fixed and that they'll still get to spend time with each of you. Let them ask questions and answer them as honestly as you can without shaming / parental alienation - they'll join the dots themselves at the appropriate time.

 

Also, if they express fear / insecurity, you might want to try some family counselling to facilitate a smoother transition.

[Marc878]

The truth in a sterilized way. Don't set a precedent for lying and hiding. If you were your kids would you want to be kept in the dark?

 

Your STBXW will want a cover up. It's who she is.

 

As for coparenting you can do a great job with limited contact.

 

Text or email kids only. Keep it short and to the point. Zero engagement!!!

 

Pick ups and drop offs should be a 5 minute exercise without engagemrnt.

 

She will want to be "friends" they all do. This will only prolong your stay in limbo.

 

Set your boundaries upfront. No shared holidays, birthdays, etc. never go into her home or allow her back into yours.

 

You have to start a new life now so having an X in the mix will be a detriment.

 

It'll be awkward until it becomes you new way of life but if you want a good future it's the best way.

 

If you play the friends game your kids will be hoping that you get back together and will get continually hurt. Don't do that to them.

[amaysngrace]

Just tell them you both love them very much but you just aren't in love with each other anymore like married people should be.

 

Then let them know what the living and visiting arrangements will be per your settlement agreement.

[road]

I agree that you tell them the truth, but be careful about bashing their mother. That's still their mother. They still have to live with the aftermath of her decisions.

 

It's a fine line to walk. Just remember that you will have at least a working relationship with all of these people going forward. So, be tactful. Truthful, but cautious.

 

What I said is not bashing. Very little detail is given. Though

enough information is given for the child to know why the

divorce happened.

[road]

Just tell them you both love them very much but you just aren't in love with each other anymore like married people should be.

 

Then let them know what the living and visiting arrangements will be per your settlement agreement.

 

Hiding the truth is still lying. It is known as lying by

omission.

[road]

I'd,sit down with the S2BXW and agree together what to tell them and when. Then get everyone together, tell them the plan, reassure them that you love them, that it's not their fault, that it can't be fixed and that they'll still get to spend time with each of you. Let them ask questions and answer them as honestly as you can without shaming / parental alienation - they'll join the dots themselves at the appropriate time.

 

Also, if they express fear / insecurity, you might want to try some family counselling to facilitate a smoother transition.

 

 

Bad advice for the BS is to never give the WS the opportunity to

lie to the kids allowing them to be mislead them.

[BetrayedDad]

Thank you all for your replies. My STBXW and I will talk to them together. She doesn't want to tell them anything about her AP/"boyfriend" (of course)...and I don't want to tell them anything that will cause unnecessary psychological damage. This will be hard enough for them without making them feel like they have to pick sides or feel guilty for loving their mommy. That said, I'm still trying to figure out how best to tell them.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you all for your replies. My STBXW and I will talk to them together. She doesn't want to tell them anything about her AP/"boyfriend" (of course)...and I don't want to tell them anything that will cause unnecessary psychological damage. This will be hard enough for them without making them feel like they have to pick sides or feel guilty for loving their mommy. That said, I'm still trying to figure out how best to tell them.

 

Lots will disagree with you, but not me. I agree that little kids don't need to be forced to deal with adult issues and they have every right to love their mother without feeling guilt. When they are older they will very, very likely find out or figure it out.

 

Hang in there; thinking of you.

[amaysngrace]

Hiding the truth is still lying. It is known as lying by

omission.

 

What's the lie? They DON'T love each other the way married people are suppose to love each other.

 

Kids don't need to deal with grown up issues. To subject them to adult drama borders on abusive imo. Let them be kids.

[road]

Thank you all for your replies. My STBXW and I will talk to them together. She doesn't want to tell them anything about her AP/"boyfriend" (of course)...and I don't want to tell them anything that will cause unnecessary psychological damage. This will be hard enough for them without making them feel like they have to pick sides or feel guilty for loving their mommy. That said, I'm still trying to figure out how best to tell them.

 

You are lying by omission.

[road]

What's the lie? They DON'T love each other the way married people are suppose to love each other.

 

Kids don't need to deal with grown up issues. To subject them to adult drama borders on abusive imo. Let them be kids.

 

There is nothing abusive telling the truth.

 

Kids need to learn that actions have consequences.

[amaysngrace]

There is nothing abusive telling the truth.

 

Kids need to learn that actions have consequences.

 

At age 8 a child most likely believes in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny but I guess you'd opt for honesty is best there too.

 

It doesn't matter. This Dad here chooses not to pit his children against their mother and I say he sounds like a really good father to me.

[BetrayedDad]

What's the lie? They DON'T love each other the way married people are suppose to love each other.

 

Kids don't need to deal with grown up issues. To subject them to adult drama borders on abusive imo. Let them be kids.

 

I would just clarify that, despite everything, I do still love my wife very much. Unfortunately, I believe that she stopped loving me at some point over the last 4 or 5 years. I think that she cares for me, but she doesn't love me. To be rejected by someone you've devoted 20 years of your life to is more painful than I can express in words.

 

Thank you for your support.

[beautifulinside2]

20 years is a long time to devote to being in a relationship with another person. However keep in mind how many times a person changes during the evolution of youth to adulthood and it's stages. I don't condone or agree with affairs but it's certainly understandable when you have been together this long. People fall in and out of love several times over the length of a relationship, therefore it's not unreasonable to believe that it could have been salvaged. Now my current fiancé was married for 27 years and was cheated on, he said although he loved his wife he was unhappy for at least 20 of these years and they lived their own separate lives. If she had time to carry on a full blown affair for years then you two were disconnected and maybe it was a blessing in disguise that you are now able to find someone who will make you happy and spend the rest of your life with.

 

Sit your kids down and let them know that you both love them very much, but unfortunately mom and dad can not live together any more because although you care about each other a lot, you no longer love each other like married people should. Let them know that it will change their lives, but you two will do your best as parents given the situation and they will have two separate homes.

[Cephalopod]

I would just clarify that, despite everything, I do still love my wife very much. Unfortunately, I believe that she stopped loving me at some point over the last 4 or 5 years. I think that she cares for me, but she doesn't love me. To be rejected by someone you've devoted 20 years of your life to is more painful than I can express in words.

 

Thank you for your support.

 

 

 

I've been there and know that specific pain. I'm sorry this happened to you. I was somewhat fortunate that I did not need to tell my daughter why her mother and I were divorcing. She saw her mom with her boyfriend and was able to put two and two together, even at 6 years of age.

[WasOtherWoman]

Not on here much these days, but my perspective comes from looking back on all of this.

 

More than 15 years ago I married my affair partner. His kids, then very young adults likely figured out that we began as an affair. Years prior to that, my H's then wife had several affairs, causing him to tell her that when the youngest went to college, he was out of there.

 

While the kids likely know that we began as an affair, he certainly never divulged that his ex started the "ball in motion" with her own affairs.

 

Today? Life is simple. Everyone gets along brilliantly, the ex is remarried, we occasionally all do holidays together.

 

Obviously everyone will not agree, but i can look back and say that this was the best approach. (barring, of course, that I never should have been involved in an affair in the first place). I will never advocate anything that puts kids into the middle of marital problems between two people.

[knabe]

Despite what certain....enthusiasts will tell you, there are no absolute rules on this stuff. You do what you feel will be best for your kids overall emotional health. Hint: hating one of their parents is not it. There ARE ways to tell them about the affair without bashing her, but there is NO rule or moral absolute that says you must tell them. I know this is a hard thing, and I wish you the best.