Anyone dealing with an alcoholic? Feel guilty to divorce

[olivia2501]

I really hate we are here. I have tried for 4 years to get my husband to stop drinking. This last year it became unbearable, name calling, broken doors, windows, pure mean drunk before he passed out cold every night.. We have a son who just turned 5 who began to pick up on it so for the sake of our son I made him leave the house six months ago and told him he could not come back until I saw a pattern of no alcohol and basically to leave me alone. He was sober for 3 months and started back again. He is very angry with me and I have a not let him back in the house. I finally told him 3 weeks ago we were getting a divorce. He begged and cried for me to give him 3 more months. It has been 3 weeks and he has not changed at all.

He has told our son that I am a liar, that I will not let him live with us, that he does not love me and I do not love him. All during the time that he has my son and he is drunk. If he is sober he does not do this, he is the man I married and would never say such things to our son.

 

I have been called By my son to come pick him up when he is with his dad. I think he can tell when daddy is not acting right he just does not know what it is. I want to add my husband is staying with his parents. I would not let him keep our son alone if he was drinking. All that being said why do I feel so guilty about divorcing a drunk? I feel so sorry for him and that my son is going to have a divorced family. I do not know what else to do, I am so worried about how this is affecting my son. I just feel like I still have not done enough To save this marriage. We have gone to counseling and I have begged but nothing seems to change. I do not love him anymore he has ruined that. I just feel so guilty to leave him in such a sad state and I feel bad for my son to not have a mom and dad together. can someone help me with this guilt? What about for better or for worse?

Edited February 22, 2017 by olivia2501
Add where he is staying.

[Jj66]

I'm so sorry. I lost a great relationship because of my alcoholism and there was none of this dysfunction you've experienced. My fiancée came from a dysfunctional alcoholic home and she was just too afraid that things would become that way with us eventually. In the end, I chose the bottle over her. And she was awesome. She was the nicest, most loving, centered human being I ever met. I would have given up my life for her but I would not or could not give up drinking. It was so sad. She is married to someone else now and seems like she is happy. I'm glad I didn't **** her life up with my addiction.

[d0nnivain]

Start going to Al-Anon meetings. You will find lots of other people in love with addicts. Whether you chose to leave or try to stick it out, they will give you the support you & your son need. If your child is unsafe, it's not a choice -- get out & only allow supervised visitation when the addict is sober.

[olivia2501]

Jj66, I am so so very sorry for your loss of that relationship. That is what I struggle with daily, I know when my husband decides to get sober, he is going to regret all of this and it breaks my heart for him. I have tried for years to help him, change him and all it has done is change me. I cant let the same thing happen to my son, although I struggle feeling guilty for leaving my husband. I hope you find love again

 

And d0nnivain thank you as well. I have been thinking of going to Al Anon. I am no longer in love with him, I just feel sorry for him and ultimately for my son. Alcohol is a terrible disease and I feel so bad for those who suffer from it or any addiction.

[SaveYourHeart]

I know the feeling. The guilt because it's not something they can "control" and feeling more pity than love. Head over to soberrecovery.com in the friends and family section. It's helped me understand a little more about the disease and my own issues. I haven't left mine yet but I think the day is coming.

[knitwit]

Olivia, I had to leave my ex fiancé because of his addiction. He ultimately died from it, a few years after we split up.

 

I second everyone's advice to go check out Alanon. If they are available in your area, try a few different groups and see if one clicks for you. I found a strong Naranon group and it helped me incredibly; I truly believe that going through my ex's addiction and getting into Naranon was a turning point in my life. I also loved soberrecovery.com, the Friends and Family section (or maybe it was sober24.com or something like that....doesn't really matter, the important thing is getting in contact with people who are living with the same issues.)

 

It is even more important for you to find an addiction support group because of your son, IMO. Hopefully you live in an area where there also groups or activities for kids. Unless your husband stops drinking, your son is going to be exposed to the BSC world of addiction, with a whole new set of unpredictable and unstable "rules". If you can find a good group with kid support, it will be very helpful for your son to know that he is not the only kid going through it, and it will help him begin the difficult work of separating out his dad's behavior from his (your son's) self worth.

 

The best thing you can do for your son is to get him out of that environment. Your husband is a grown man making his own mistakes; your son is innocent and should not have to grow up walking on eggshells, living in the chaos of the unknown of what Dad is going to be like tonight, and likely being a target of abuse. I know you know this already, but oftentimes people wonder if they are doing the right thing by breaking up the family. Yes, you are doing the right thing by getting you and your son out of the chaos of life with an active addict. Your son is already spending time with your husband while your h is drunk- by getting out of there, your son has a chance to also see what stability is like, at your home.

 

It is hard to get out from the guilt of leaving. When I left my ex, I sobbed for days, weeks, and I wasn't crying for me. I was crying because I knew that I would be OK but I wasn't sure about him. I was crying for his pain...that is some backwards effed up thinking. I knew it was crazy logically but it didn't matter, I had to cry it out for my heart. I hated the pain I knew I was inflicting on him.

 

At the same time, my life mattered. My dreams mattered and I finally realized that I would never get to have my dreams of a happy, safe, and sane family with him.

 

Your life, and your son's life, matters. You and your son deserve peace and stability. You deserve to not have your home, your finances, or your future threatened or devastated by your H's drinking.

 

Ultimately, for me, I realized at a gut level the cold hard truth: my guy was going to keep using with or without me. He couldn't stay sober with me and so what did it matter if he couldn't stay sober without me, either? He was going to do what he wanted, with or without me. I could stay and sink with him or go and live the life I wanted.

 

Just like he has choice to drink or not, you have the choice to cling tight or let go. Ultimately it's the same choice for both of you: keep doing what you're doing and at best survive, or start a new life in which you have the chance to thrive.

 

None of it is fair or easy. I wish you the best of luck!

[charliegirl816]

I too was married to an alcoholic. One important thing I learned was "Co-dependance" and I too was a part of the problem. You can't force him, him must choose to or face the consequences otherwise. Let me share something that so many people misunderstand. Love is a choice, regardless of the other person's actions. In marriage we choose to love when they are not being loving. You can choose to continue with counseling and work on your part of the marriage. Through counseling they will help him succeed and it will be his responsibility to do his part. But it won't happen without two people dedicated to work on the marriage and rebuild it one day, one week, one month and one year at a time. Divorce should be a last resort after much dedication in trying to save the marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

As always, the three C's apply - you didn't cause, you can't control, you won't cure. That's all on him.

 

Olivia, as others have pointed out, you've strayed dangerously close to enabling him. By giving him a soft place to land all this time, not much price to pay for his addiction. You don't help him by putting yourself or your son in harm's way and in fact your child pays a steep cost every day he's in the middle of this dysfunctional situation. Do what's best for you and hold your husband responsible for the same.

 

I'm glad you've come to the realization you and your son deserve better. One can only hope your husband will someday come to a similar conclusion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confused48]

If you prefer formus, over going to meetings, like I do, check out soberrecovery.org They have an excellent forum for people in relationships with those that have a drinking problem.

[olivia2501]

Thank you all so much for your responses. Knitwit, you wrote my thoughts and life exactly.

Addiction is such a terrible disease and like some of you said, I have enabled him because I felt so dang sorry for him. But at this point, it is affecting my son and I am his protection. He is my number 1 priority and sadly, my husband will need to take care of himself from now on.

I will go to the board you guys suggested and thank you again so much. I felt so darn guilty for feeling like I was abandoning him, now I know I am on the right track, as much as it hurts us all.

[Jersey born raised]

Marriage is not a suicide pact. I would stay if it was a stroke or physical disability but not this.

 

Also is he a drunk, dry or wet?

 

Also is all the alcohol out of the house?

[Roommate]

As a former alcoholic, my advice is LEAVE HIM and have zero guilt - he is the one destroying himself and will take all he can down with him including his family especially.

 

Run like Hell. Tough love. ONLY the alcoholic can have the power to stop his alcoholism. If he ever decides to stop you can be there for him then and only then on that uncertain possible day.

 

My ex-Wife was also alcoholic and she is now dead from this disease of alcoholism and in the end she was bitter drunk and all alone.

 

Courage to you to stand strong and stay away. Blessings!

[LostHubby2015]

What about for better or for worse?

 

Olivia, I can feel your pain right now. I'm in a similar boat with my wife right now. We have only been married for about 17 months, but the drinking for her started before that. I saw where Mr.Lucky mentioned the 3 C's. He had offered me similar advice in an earlier post of mine.

 

I'm with you about the "for better or for worse" and i do believe that which makes it very difficult. But what i'm trying to tell myself, and maybe you need to as well, it's not "for worse and worse". My wife having an alcohol problem as well over time it's only getting worse and our fights have only escalated and became more heated. Which resulted in her arrest after i called the police on her, but only because she was screaming she was going to kill herself. In the time from the phone call to the time police arrived she lost control and attacked me for the n-th time. Only this time police saw the marks which got her arrested.

 

Anywho, i understand because i'm facing divorcing my wife, which a lot of folks on here feel for my situation it's best i leave. But it's hard i know. Even worse since the last time i saw her i had myself locked in my car, and she was in handcuffs, drunk, crying, and getting placed in a police car. This was nearly 4 months ago now.

 

You need to do what's right for you and even more so your son. Think of it this way, what is your husband "teaching" him as he sees this? He's teaching him it's ok to drink/yell and treat his wife like garbage. His father will always be the most impressionable male role model he'll have. You, as his mother, being the first female your son will love if you stay shows him it's ok. If you leave it'll show him you can treat a person you love like that.

 

It's easier said than done, i'm right there with you at the moment, but you need to save yourself. If not yourself, your son.

 

When I left my ex, I sobbed for days, weeks, and I wasn't crying for me. I was crying because I knew that I would be OK but I wasn't sure about him. I was crying for his pain...that is some backwards effed up thinking. I knew it was crazy logically but it didn't matter, I had to cry it out for my heart. I hated the pain I knew I was inflicting on him.

 

Been there / still there

Edited March 15, 2017 by LostHubby2015
adding 2nd quote

[BluesPower]

I have been with a drug addict...

 

What is worse is she kept it hidden, so I was never sure what was going on until about 2 years ago.

 

I too, was a for better of worse person, for 26 years. I did it all, literally all. Sole bread winner, raised the kids, took care of her, bla, bla, bla...

 

Finally after I had a stroke from all the stress of my life, laying in the hospital bed I had a moment of clarity. "I can't live like this any more, I'm going to die!!!"

 

Shortly after that I finally figured out that she was an addict all those years. Then, she had the audacity to get sober, of all things. I still tried for 2 more years, but no go for me.

 

We are about to finish the divorce, and I am as happy as a pig in slop.

 

The weight that has been lifted from my shoulders is massive. I never knew I was carrying around that much weight for all those years.

 

At some point, you have to live and love yourself as selfish as that sounds...

[The_Onceler]

My father was an alcoholic. He was generally a benign drunk. I don't recall that he ever struck any of us kids, ever. He was essentially ALWAYS buzzing along with a low level of inebriation. Those few times when he let it get away from him a little, it seemed as if he became a complete stranger. He was not mean or abusive even then, but no matter, those times terrified me.

 

Reading about your 5 year old son, having to call you to come get him, brought so much back for me. I remember being 5 and wanting, WISHING my mother would come rescue me. It still haunts me to this day.

 

And that was over 40 years ago.

 

If you want to feel guilty, feel guilty about not rescuing your son from his father SOONER. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you won't do it for you, do it for your son - divorce your husband and rescue the both of you.

[olivia2501]

Wow, you guys are really awesome and I appreciate each and every comment. Alcohol is such a sad disease. I told him we were getting a divorce and after much begging originally he told me all he wanted was a 50/50 custody split, which we all know cant and won’t happen. He wavers between accepting and hating me, depends on alcohol level. But I have filed for divorce and the fight is going to begin because the papers state I get full custody with supervised visits until he gets help. So I am strapping in for a very long and hard ride because this is going to get very ugly. Like many of you said and had some very good points, I always knew I must protect my son. It is so sad because he loves his dad so much and at only 5 I hope one day he understands I am doing my best to protect him. Never in a million years would I have thought it would be from his own dad.

And LostHubby2015 I know how you feel, I have struggled with the for better/worse, but like you said, I need to realize that did not mean worse and worse. There is not better on the horizon, he is not the person I married, so I have realized those vows were made to someone that doesn’t even exist anymore.

 

And The Onceler your post brought me to tears and I am so very sorry that you witnessed that as a child. But you gave me strength to fight and I thank you for that! I wondered if at 5 my son knew what was going on, you have now confirmed in some way he does. I struggled with going to get him each time he called, knowing there was going to be a fight in front of him between his dad and me because his dad was so drunk, he would lash out at me yelling he hated me and wished I was dead. But I would just scoop my son up, smile and put him in the car and drive off. So sad I am even typing that, but you have confirmed I did the right thing.

 

God bless you all and thank you! I did go to the soberrecovery board and you were right, a great outlet!

[SaveYourHeart]

Proud of you Olivia, please keep us updated. Get yourself to an al-anon meeting and take care of yourself.

[EmilyJane]

I really hate we are here. I have tried for 4 years to get my husband to stop drinking. This last year it became unbearable, name calling, broken doors, windows, pure mean drunk before he passed out cold every night.. We have a son who just turned 5 who began to pick up on it so for the sake of our son I made him leave the house six months ago and told him he could not come back until I saw a pattern of no alcohol and basically to leave me alone. He was sober for 3 months and started back again. He is very angry with me and I have a not let him back in the house. I finally told him 3 weeks ago we were getting a divorce. He begged and cried for me to give him 3 more months. It has been 3 weeks and he has not changed at all.

He has told our son that I am a liar, that I will not let him live with us, that he does not love me and I do not love him. All during the time that he has my son and he is drunk. If he is sober he does not do this, he is the man I married and would never say such things to our son.

 

I have been called By my son to come pick him up when he is with his dad. I think he can tell when daddy is not acting right he just does not know what it is. I want to add my husband is staying with his parents. I would not let him keep our son alone if he was drinking. All that being said why do I feel so guilty about divorcing a drunk? I feel so sorry for him and that my son is going to have a divorced family. I do not know what else to do, I am so worried about how this is affecting my son. I just feel like I still have not done enough To save this marriage. We have gone to counseling and I have begged but nothing seems to change. I do not love him anymore he has ruined that. I just feel so guilty to leave him in such a sad state and I feel bad for my son to not have a mom and dad together. can someone help me with this guilt? What about for better or for worse?

 

 

You have done enough. An alcoholic is not capable of sustaining relationships. I've been going through exactly the same thing minus the marriage and child.Even the same stages you did before realising the only thing to do was leave.

 

The only thing that is helps with the guilt and the loss has been counselling. For me. To help me sort out the stuff that has become confused by the sheer stress and instability of only occasionally seeing my partner and the rest of the time being forced into close proximity with a stinking angry resentful abusive drunk with no capacity to respect reasonable boundaries who constantly lied to me, had no capacity to be considerate of me and who was escalating in his actions towards me in a way that meant I was terrified of him.

 

I am reading between the lines and assuming he has done a lot of what mine did to protect his habit: deceit and gas lighting. That is where the guilt comes from.

 

You have done the right thing. He's the one who hasn't done enough to save the marriage.

 

You say so many things through this thread that I've tried to express. You are courageous.

Edited March 31, 2017 by EmilyJane

[spiderowl]

You are feeling guilty about this but he could have changed it all in an instant if he had stopped drinking. You are not obliged to stay with an alcoholic. Things will not get better and your son is being affected too.

 

You are thinking of him and feel sorry for him. Your feelings matter too!

[Confessor]

Hi Olivia,

Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate at moment.

Your husband is wrong and needs help.

I'm not defending him. .but it's a disease..an illness and needs treating.

He can change and be that good person again..but HE needs to STOP drinking.

Not cut down stop.

Go see doc get some therapy n meds n stop.

It's hard but doable.

 

I know cos I am that man.

I have stopped. But I know one drink will awaken the monster that lives dormant within me.

Once you accept not to ever feed the monster life changes forever for the better.

He needs to accept that he cannot drink.

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

You can't fix that he has to. Don't destroy your life and future on a drunk. It's not worth it.

 

Plus it just gets worse with time unless he cuts alcohol out of his life totally.

 

You have nothing to work with here.

[LostHubby2015]

You can't fix that he has to. Don't destroy your life and future on a drunk. It's not worth it.

 

Plus it just gets worse with time unless he cuts alcohol out of his life totally.

 

You have nothing to work with here.

 

I previously mentioned that i am/was dealing with a similar situation with my wife being the one who turned into an alcoholic. What Marc said here (it just gets worse) just reminds me of what I saw on my wife's (soon to be ex) phone once. I was in no way snooping or doing anything like that, but i looked at her phone once and one of the things she had googled was "signs of liver damage". She was herself worried about possibly having liver damage, but nonetheless it wasn't enough to make her stop. She continued to drink and get drunk daily.

 

I've officially filed the papers and i don't have any kids, but it is still really hard and was hard to come to that decision. But i just don't see a path forward to where we would ever be in a healthy relationship again given all the damage to not only our relationship, but also one with her in-laws, my parents and sisters. As a result of everything I had to essentially choose between my wife and my parents at one point. I chose my wife, but it never got better and only got worse.

 

Since her arrest i've revisited everything and as hard as it was/is this time around i'm choosing my parents over her. Even when she was sober during the day when we were having a good time i'd ask her to not drink, but she could never go 1 day without drinking. so it was clear that she valued vodka more than me. it's hard, but one thing that was nice to hear was that her close friends from home that were aware of the situation all, for some reason, think i'm a good human being and thought that i had to choose between her my parents in the first place was ridiculous.

 

But even if an alcoholic has a moment of clarity it won't be enough. They need a true life altering event. Which even then at best only has a 50/50 shot of working. Getting sober has to be their choice.