Hernandez2007 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) I met my now ex husband back in high school. We were together for 12 years before he decided to call it quits. We had some issues, like most married couples. But he claimed he wanted a clean divorce so that we could stay friends. He claimed he loved me but that he couldnt stay married to me. Exactly one week after he moved out, he came to visit our son who was 6 years old and he had hickies all over his neck. I didnt undestand, i was confused. A few days later I see a social media post of him with another woman. I was devastated. However, three weeks later he came back apologizing and crying and saying he wanted to start fresh. He still wanted the divorce so that we could have a "fresh start". Months went by and the divorced happened. We kept talking, sleeping together. Next thing I know, he has still been involved with that other woman!!! He promised to break it off and claimed he did. We worked on it again and then after a few months I find out she is 7 months pregnant. We stop talking, and then he comes back saying he isnt with her. But that they are working on visitation for his new born son. He kept promising to come back home and I believed him, he has been in my life 15 years, i believed him. Last week I find out that in the two years of ups and downs with me, he never broke it off with her. The baby was planned. They want to get married and buy a house. BUT to me, just last week, he came to spend the night a few nights making me think it was actually happening, that he was actually coming home. I spoke to this woman and she claimes they have never been happier. She had no idea he was even still talking to me. He made me sound like the bad guy and claimed to her that I didnt let him see his son, and that wasnt true at all. He always claimed to work but in reality he was with his new family. And to make matters worse, she told me they have been involved for ten years. I feel like my whole marriage was a sham. I feel so stupid and betrayed. I cant seem to process everything. Any words of support would be appreciated. Ive dealt with a pathological liar for over ten years and its like the man I knew, never really existed. Edited January 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Wow! That is a lot to process. I hope you're going to therapy. It really shakes us up to believe a certain reality for that long, plus a child, and then learn that what you thought was real was a complete sham the whole time. It will take time to accept and adjust. I hope you've cut him off completely by now. Have you? Do you have a good support system of family and friends, because you're going to need them. Figure out who has the ability and stamina to give you support and ask them if they're willing to be there for you. Having a full life otherwise will help too. Do you have a job and plenty of interaction outside the house? If you don't have a good therapist yet, that should be the first thing on your list. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hernandez2007 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 Salparadise-- I have cut him off. But its just been a couple of days. He has not reached out to me or to our son. I do work but dont go back until Wednesday. As far as a support system, not so much. Im pretty alone in this and dont know of anyone who has been through anything similar. I have reached out to a therapist so that i can atleast have some tips of coping or sorting this out in my head. It definitely is too much to handle. After I spoke to the woman, its like what I said to her went in one ear and out the other and she forgave him. She has three other children from two other men. Although I know thats irrelevant, im still hurting for me and my son. How can he take on her family and forget my son. He literally looked my son in the eye and promised him he was coming home. My little boy cried for his dad. Im having the hardest time sorting my emotions and everything Ive discovered. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 I can relate to what you are going through. I went through something similar just a little over 3 years ago. I think the most difficult part was knowing that what I thought was truth, wasn't in fact truth. I felt like I had fallen into the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland. Nothing was as it should be. It takes time and effort but you can get through this! I promise. The hurt, confusion and anger will subside eventually. Is the divorce all settled then? So you already have a custody/visitation/support plan in place? If so, that saves you a great deal of trouble and angst at a time when you are feeling this way. If it's all set, then stick to the plan and don't talk to your ex unless you absolutely have to in regards to your child. Cut him off for good. He's been able to come back whenever he wants and tell you whatever he thinks you need to hear. Don't let him do that to you anymore. Leave him to his OW and stay out of it. Their relationship obviously has major issues too if she was completely unaware that he was keeping in touch with you. Did she think your ex never saw his child? I'm sorry you are going through this. Keep coming here to talk, it does help to get it off your chest and get feedback. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hernandez2007 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 Raena--yes everything is set. I am happy I do not have to deal with court. I dont know when and IF he will reach out to see his son during his alotted time, but I am trying to remind myself that when that does happen, not to fall for him. To just talk about our son. He did this for so long and im still in shock. Like you said, nothing is the way it was supposed to be. Its extremely extremely hard right now. And its only been a couple of days Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Don't you already have a set time for him to spend time with your son? From the way you talk about, it sounds like it's all up in air and you never know when he'll be around and when he won't. You really shouldn't have to interact with him at all if it's clearly laid out when he sees his child and when he doesn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hernandez2007 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 It has been four months since he picked up our son because he has been "working" extended hours. And now, since we havent talked, Im not sure if he is going to come back to resume his visits. Yes its in a document but because we have been "in good terms" i believed him when he said he was working and we didnt go by the document....and along with that came other lies. I know it sounds very confusing. Thats why I say its one thing after another that I can just NOT conprehend. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 It might be in your best interest to keep track of the times he is supposed to see his son and doesn't. You may not ever use it but you never know. At some point you may want to go back to court and ask for a change in custody. Especially if he keeps ditching on the times he is to be with his child. Having proof that he has gone months without seeing his child is something the court will want to know about. Does he take your son to his house or does he visit at your place? I hope it isn't at your place because you need to not let him be in your home for awhile. You shouldn't have to talk to him other than to discuss your child. He shouldn't have any opportunity to try and lie some more to you about what's going on in his life. I'm sure there is so much on your plate right now that you can't even begin to think about what to do next. Focus on taking care of yourself right now. In the beginning it may be best to focus on the next step, the next minute, the next second to get through. Journaling helped me a ton in that time period. I still use it as a tool when things get tough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Im having the hardest time sorting my emotions and everything Ive discovered. I think you need to be out doing things that are real, talking to people, getting plenty of exercise and fresh air, eating well, practicing excellent self-care, consciously self-affirming and caring for your son. I wish you had friends who you could spend time with, go out with, etc. You have to go through a grieving process almost like someone had died, but you also have to not allow yourself to fall into a hole or thinking it's your fault. Rely on your therapist. It's going to take time, so figure out what you enjoy, what has meaning and what kind of activity gives you positive feelings... the feelings are temporary. Remind yourself of that often. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hernandez2007 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 I am definitely going back based off my social media post with dates to confirm what me and my son did and that I was with him on the weekends his dad was suppose to have him. Ill keep track of it much closer now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hernandez2007 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 I think you need to be out doing things that are real, talking to people, getting plenty of exercise and fresh air, eating well, practicing excellent self-care, consciously self-affirming and caring for your son. I wish you had friends who you could spend time with, go out with, etc. You have to go through a grieving process almost like someone had died, but you also have to not allow yourself to fall into a hole or thinking it's your fault. Rely on your therapist. It's going to take time, so figure out what you enjoy, what has meaning and what kind of activity gives you positive feelings... the feelings are temporary. Remind yourself of that often. I am trying my best. Its only been a few days but I have looked up support groups and will go to first one this friday. I joined on here because i dont know other people around me goibg through it. Its definitely extremely difficult. I am meeting with Therapist on Thirsday. I just want the pain and all the thoughts to subside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotASkunk Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 I feel for you. It is very tough to get through it. I am having a really difficult time myself and I have found reading the supportive posts on this forum really can help a lot. I was also in a relationship that was fake and a sham. I was responsible for a lot of it, still doesn't make getting through it any easier. A good therapist helps a lot! All the best of luck to you, they say it will get easier. Let's hope. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PeachBlossom Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 I feel like my whole marriage was a sham. I feel so stupid and betrayed. I cant seem to process everything. Any words of support would be appreciated. Ive dealt with a pathological liar for over ten years and its like the man I knew, never really existed. Wow. That is like the world just turned upside down. One thing that you need to remember is that it's not you who turned upside down, it is the world around you. You are not stupid. Your ex is the problematic one. You may not be perfect. But dishonesty of your ex is so tremendously wrong. I hope you find support and comfort here in this forum. This is the least we can help you with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 You know how to tell if he is lying. His mouth is open. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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