Thoughts on custody arrangements

[Lexxi]

Hello, first time posting a question in this category, I hope I am posting in the correct area but I would just like some thoughts please, as I am struggling right now with a decision that should be pretty simple and it seems like I'm just having a hard time with it.

 

My ex-husband and I have two children (preschool/kindergarten) age, a boy and girl, and I have retained the marital home- I purchased it myself and had to pay him out and he is currently renting a one bedroom apartment with a king bed where he sleeps with our two children in when they visit him. We have 50/50 custody.

 

Although the divorce has finalized, I have hired an attorney because he was no longer adhering to a schedule, very inconsistent because he wanted to schedule things around his outings with his friends. Since doing so, he has stopped and complied and we are at the very end of putting it in writing. The problem is, his lease is up in 4 months and the stipulation, other than stating 50/50 custody is also asking that to maintain that even schedule, it would be best if he, in 6 months, either have a home by then (I paid him a 6 digit amount during divorce proceedings because I make more, so he has enough for a down payment for a house), or just rent a two bedroom apartment. This is all so that the sleeping arrangements will improve and not have the three of them packed in one bed. My attorney thought this should be included and would be a reasonable request.

 

Well now, the ex is livid saying I'm "sneaky" and other names I won't repeat because I am putting a date on when he should have these accommodations. It really wasn't my choice but i do see where my attorney is coming from. At the same time, I'm not trying to portray myself to the court as a controlling ex wife using my children against him. I asked my attorney what he thought, if we could just proceed with the 50/50 schedule and leave the other ones out which state he needs to get accommodations and the kids need their own beds by such and such date. My attorney's response- "I wouldn't, but the choice is yours".

 

The ex said if those items would simply be removed he will sign no problem, otherwise there will be a trial. I also want what's best for the kids. They do love spending time with him so I'm just torn. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Miss Clavel]

Hello, first time posting a question in this category, I hope I am posting in the correct area but I would just like some thoughts please, as I am struggling right now with a decision that should be pretty simple and it seems like I'm just having a hard time with it.

 

My ex-husband and I have two children (preschool/kindergarten) age, a boy and girl, and I have retained the marital home- I purchased it myself and had to pay him out and he is currently renting a one bedroom apartment with a king bed where he sleeps with our two children in when they visit him. We have 50/50 custody.

 

Although the divorce has finalized, I have hired an attorney because he was no longer adhering to a schedule, very inconsistent because he wanted to schedule things around his outings with his friends. Since doing so, he has stopped and complied and we are at the very end of putting it in writing. The problem is, his lease is up in 4 months and the stipulation, other than stating 50/50 custody is also asking that to maintain that even schedule, it would be best if he, in 6 months, either have a home by then (I paid him a 6 digit amount during divorce proceedings because I make more, so he has enough for a down payment for a house), or just rent a two bedroom apartment. This is all so that the sleeping arrangements will improve and not have the three of them packed in one bed. My attorney thought this should be included and would be a reasonable request.

 

Well now, the ex is livid saying I'm "sneaky" and other names I won't repeat because I am putting a date on when he should have these accommodations. It really wasn't my choice but i do see where my attorney is coming from. At the same time, I'm not trying to portray myself to the court as a controlling ex wife using my children against him. I asked my attorney what he thought, if we could just proceed with the 50/50 schedule and leave the other ones out which state he needs to get accommodations and the kids need their own beds by such and such date. My attorney's response- "I wouldn't, but the choice is yours".

 

The ex said if those items would simply be removed he will sign no problem, otherwise there will be a trial. I also want what's best for the kids. They do love spending time with him so I'm just torn. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

ask him what excuse he's going to give in court when they ask him why he's sleeping with school aged children?

 

im sure there is nothing to it but it's the appearance, esp. to a judge.

 

"the court would like to know what is your objection to not having a boy and a girl sleeping with you"?

 

i can't believe anyone is wasting the courts time and a considerable amount of money on childhood sleeping arrangements. sheer stupidity.

 

ask him if he's willing to consider a "pull-out" bed for the kids. just say you will buy him a new sofa that pulls out for when the children are there.

 

from the way he sounds, i guess you're going to have to get it in writing that he will actually use the sofa for the kid's bed.

 

and it begs the question, does he not want his privacy at bedtime? does he thinks it's good for the children to have no boundaries? don't they go to bed way earlier than him? why is he using them for comfort and cuddles after all this time? are they afraid to sleep in another room in your house?

 

i think there is some guidance in divorce law that says if they had their own rooms before the divorce they get their own rooms after.

 

spend yet more money on asking your lawyer if that's true in your state.

 

then negotiate with your ex, for free, on the phone.

[PegNosePete]

I asked my attorney what he thought, if we could just proceed with the 50/50 schedule and leave the other ones out which state he needs to get accommodations and the kids need their own beds by such and such date. My attorney's response- "I wouldn't, but the choice is yours".

Normally I would say you're paying for the attorney's advice so you should follow it. If he wouldn't remove it, then you probably shouldn't remove it either. You are paying for his advice after all, it doesn't make much sense to ignore it.

 

The ex said if those items would simply be removed he will sign no problem, otherwise there will be a trial.

My response to that would probably be, "well if there is a trial and you can't demonstrate that you have suitable separate sleeping arrangements for the children, then you're unlikely to be able to keep the 50/50 custody arrangement, and I will be filing for full custody. Your choice. Sign or lose the 50/50 custody."

 

You might want to phrase it more delicately though, subtlety is definitely not my middle name.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry for the double post but a couple more thoughts.

 

asking that to maintain that even schedule, it would be best if he, in 6 months, either have a home by then

...

My attorney thought this should be included and would be a reasonable request.

I've bolded a couple of words in what you wrote above, which are of concern to me.

 

Maybe you wrote this post in a more informal manner than what is actually written on your proposed custody agreement? If it really is asking him, and saying it would be best, and it is a request, then your ex husband is foolish for arguing! He could simply sign it and then say well yeah it was only a request not a requirement so I didn't do it, and he would be happy as Larry and free to continue in a 1 bed apartment.

 

If I were you I'd make sure these clauses are firmed up and have meaningful consequences if they are not adhered to! You can request things until the cows come home but it's meaningless if they aren't enforceable.

[jen1447]

^ True what Pete said but I assume your attorney has it worded properly.

 

I'd stick to your guns. Aside from the details of what you want, you'll be substantiating a dynamic where he can wiggle out of just about anything if you go soft on this, and "nice" or "sneaky" or not, you just can't have that going forward. Divorce is hardball, no matter how you slice it.

 

Good luck.

[Lexxi]

Thank you all so much for your responses. Yes, the attorney worded it more firmly in the stipulation, basically stating to the court that he needs to adhere to it.

 

I do understand where he is coming from, that perhaps it's a little "harsh" to demand he purchase a home or rent a two bedroom by May, but he is not living in poverty. I had to pay him a nice chunk that he claims he has still not touched because he is waiting for the housing market to go down after the new year so he can purchase a home. So my quakes ruin to him was, "then if you were already planning that, what's the big deal?" He said he just didn't like that there was a deadline.

 

I thought this wouldn't be so difficult, as we've agreed in everything else. He just didn't want the deadline stating he needs to have larger space. Guess I will continue pursuing this and go with what my attorney says. It's just beginning to cost more than I had anticipated. Hey, I asked for it...

[jen1447]

Yeah, it sucks but once you're on the field there's no getting off of it, kids and all. Speaking of which you're not just being petty - you want a reasonable quality of life standard for your children like any responsible parent, and no big shock - that involves not sleeping in the same bed as him. So don't let him blame-shift on you that way, if he had reasonable standards of his own you wouldn't have to demand any.

 

So my quakes ruin to him was,

 

Contender for best auto-correct ever?

[Lexxi]

Yeah, it sucks but once you're on the field there's no getting off of it, kids and all. Speaking of which you're not just being petty - you want a reasonable quality of life standard for your children like any responsible parent, and no big shock - that involves not sleeping in the same bed as him. So don't let him blame-shift on you that way, if he had reasonable standards of his own you wouldn't have to demand any.

 

 

 

Contender for best auto-correct ever?

 

Oh goodness haha! "My question to him was".

 

Appreciate it, I was beginning to feel guilty and overwhelmed as well with the costs. But I get it, I have to stick firmly to what is best for the kids. I just didn't want to come off as a bitter woman nitpicking, coming up with any ridiculous reason to try to obtain more custody time.

[jen1447]

Oh goodness haha! "My question to him was".

 

Appreciate it, I was beginning to feel guilty and overwhelmed as well with the costs. But I get it, I have to stick firmly to what is best for the kids. I just didn't want to come off as a bitter woman nitpicking, coming up with any ridiculous reason to try to obtain more custody time.

 

You're not - you sound perfectly rational and calm and sensible to me.

[PegNosePete]

Agree with Jen, you're thinking of the kids best interests here. Not bitter or ridiculous at all. No need to feel bad or guilty.

 

As a compromise you could always extend the deadline a little if he feels 6 months is too short a time to buy a house. I have been trying to move since June and it's still not gone through yet, it is a lengthy process, and 6 months might not be enough. Giving him 12 months might be more palatable. Although I can't see in your posts how long you've already given him -- if he's already had a long time and been sitting on his hands then you can stick with a shorter deadline.

[Lexxi]

Thank you all for your responses. Very helpful and really got me thinking, as we are approaching mediation now since he did not sign it.

 

I just feel like mediation is almost a waste of time because we have actually settled on a good schedule that's been working for us the past few months. He will be in his apartment for 1 year in April, that is when his lease ends so I understand he does not need to do anything just yet. But the fact that the kids don't have their space, all sleeping in one bed- that is what my attorney had a problem with. So is it worth it to go to mediation not for custody, but for a sleeping arrangement? I hope it doesn't seem to ridiculous.

 

I'll do anything and everything for my kids but at the same time, the sleeping arrangement is the only thing we are disagreeing on, and any wrong move that could piss him off would not be good. We would be in a war when we are actually getting along ok. Ugh, this is just hard.

[PegNosePete]

is it worth it to go to mediation not for custody, but for a sleeping arrangement? I hope it doesn't seem to ridiculous.

Mediation works if both parties are open to compromise. The mediator generally won't take either of your sides but will help express that you feel the sleeping arrangements are inappropriate. The success or failure really depends on the attitudes of the parties and how willing they are to listen to each other's points of view. If he will just sit there with his arms crossed and say "no" to everything then it is a complete waste of time. But if he sees your point and is prepared to find a solution then it could be time well spent. I guess you'll have to just give it a try and see...

[MJJean]

Thank you all for your responses. Very helpful and really got me thinking, as we are approaching mediation now since he did not sign it.

 

I just feel like mediation is almost a waste of time because we have actually settled on a good schedule that's been working for us the past few months. He will be in his apartment for 1 year in April, that is when his lease ends so I understand he does not need to do anything just yet. But the fact that the kids don't have their space, all sleeping in one bed- that is what my attorney had a problem with. So is it worth it to go to mediation not for custody, but for a sleeping arrangement? I hope it doesn't seem to ridiculous.

 

I'll do anything and everything for my kids but at the same time, the sleeping arrangement is the only thing we are disagreeing on, and any wrong move that could piss him off would not be good. We would be in a war when we are actually getting along ok. Ugh, this is just hard.

 

It's not ridiculous. It's healthy.

 

Realistically, your exH has options. Most leases have a clause that lets the renter out of the agreement if they purchase a house. He could, in theory, buy in January and move out as soon as he has closed.

 

If he wants to take his time finding the perfect house and resents a deadline imposed by you and the courts, he could always do a month to month lease on a 2 bedroom while house hunting.

[jen1447]

Yeah I'd say do proceed. Even if it doesn't work out it'll show you made a good faith effort. And I really doubt any reasonable judge will see your desire for your kids to have separate sleeping space as unreasonable.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think the kids are getting to an age, where it's not a big expectation that they have their own beds, if they are living there half the time.

 

I don't think you have the right to dictate his exact living situation (ie he needs to buy a house, but I think a 2 bedroom place is a reasonable request to not back down on).

 

As for the days and timings, I think it'll be better long time for both of you, if you can show some flexibility to each other and try to work together to find something optimal.