mikestr Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Hi all, Am new to this forum and only posted for the first time last week. I've been married for 16 years, so a fair amount of time, and over the years even though we loved each other, things (in my mind, probably not so much hers) were going a bit stale, arguments, money worries etc After numerous arguments and a tough year, I decided to move into my parents place just so we can think, and to have a seperation. This was over 2 months ago now, and i left with basically nothing even though she remains in the marital home, i am adapting to a bedroom again! Anyway my thoughts are, even though we didn't get on and would argue, I have an overwhelming sense of guilt about the whole situation. It was probably more my idea to leave (for the both of us) and i have been back to collect things, and we've again ended up arguing. There is no one else involved, so its just between 2 people drifiting apart and moving away Christmas time is also one of the hardest as thoughts turn to what we've done for 16 years and now this will be different.. I feel bad, as she will be on her own, and feel its all my fault, with now only concentrating on the good times - which i know after going back for a fortnight, it will be arguments again! Is this a normal feeling? I've obviously never been through this before, and it hurts, and knowing that my wife of 16 years is hurting too, even though she probably wants me to 'get lost' when we speak! I am even thinking of going back just to get the normality back... which i know deep down would probably all end again in 6 months time? Have any of you been through this and does it get better over time? Thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 Ending a marriage is rather like a grieving process. You go through the same 5 stages. Sounds like you're entering "bargaining"... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikestr Posted November 22, 2016 Author Share Posted November 22, 2016 Yes i think you maybe right, plus at this time of year (Christmas approaching), this is the one time of year, that you usually do 'tradition and routine', so this is a hard time approaching.. But obviously I could go back, and Christmas be the worst ever for both of us due to whats happened... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 this is the one time of year, that you usually do 'tradition and routine' Well yes, but that's a part of the bargaining process. If it wasn't Christmas it would be her birthday, or the kids birthday, or Easter, or a summer holiday, or thanksgiving or halloween or valentine's day or eid or diwali or ramadan... you get the idea... there's always some kind of excuse to go back "just until after X". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Hi Mikestr, having read your OP one thing struck me and that was that you moved out two months ago without any attempt at trying to work on your marriage. There was no MC or IC and you took a unilateral decision to move out. Isn't it obvious you ate riddled with guilt. Did you two sit down and discuss why you were moving out? Was your wife wholly on board with this decision? To me it seems that this was your way of setting the stage for exiting the marriage and that it was a one sided move. The reason you feel guilt is because you know you did not do your best to save your marriage and instead of working with your wife to save it you just bailed when the going got tough. You might have heard the slogan "When the going gets tough the tough get going". It is the universal slogan of army engineers the world over. You have said that you and your wife engaged in arguments. What were these about and who would start them? Also, was there any reason to start or to continue an argument or was it something that flared because you wanted it to flare? Are the two of you very egotistical people who cannot let go of their view point even if it means hurting the person you love? I guess you need to do some introspection to come up with reasons as to why you have bailed on your marriage. You have said there was no one else involved on either side but maybe you met a woman at your workplace who warmed the cockles of your heart and you may be making an exit so that you can pursue things with this other woman. One does not give up on 16 years of marriage on flimsy grounds unless there is something else cooking in the pot. Just some things to think about. Warm wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mikestr Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 Just a Guy - Yes we did discuss it both, and came to the same conclusion, and yes we had been arguing for a while (years) and did talk etc. So i like to think I didn't just 'bail' as you put it. We are probably two very egotistical people who wouldnt back down which makes it harder i suppose. As for another person involved, no there wasn't i'm afraid. I just think that after a slow decline after 16 years, that we drifted apart, didn't see eye to eye on much, hence the arguing, and probably got to the stage where we got on each others nerves! My OP was depsite all this, that I still feel guilty, especially more so as its that time of year approaching (Christmas) Nice story though sir, but wrong... although thanks for the advice 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Hi Mikestr, thanks for responding. I guess I responded to your OP as I did because you left out certain important points. After your clarification things make more sense. If you say you have been arguing for years then one can understand that bitterness may have crept in gradually till resentment took the place of love. You still have'nt mentioned whether you tried MC and IC for both of you. Things like ego do not change over a period of time unless one consciously tries to conquer it so both of you must have had your egos in place when you first started dating. I do not know if yours was a head over heels love affair or something more steady state but if it was the former then I guess both of you overlooked the obvious faults in each other in the heat of the moment. However. I still maintain that 16 years is a long period of time with a lot of history between you two. It would be tragic to consign that long a relationship to the dustbin without making a herculean effort to save it. If you two have not yet tried MC and IC then I would suggest you try that even while you are separated. If you two really were madly in love at the start of your relationship then I am sure that love must still be buried somewhere within your hearts, dormant and waiting to be reawakened. My own personal experience is that as two people go on together in life the live only grows but goes down to a deeper level. Even if there are storms at the surface it is the love at these deeper levels that help tide over the temporary disruptions. I would think that only very shallow people with no real substance to them who are more narcissistic than unselfish would give up on a relationship which has endured as long as yours. I may be completely off track here but I think you should make one more serious shot at trying to save your relationship. Warm wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 (edited) Hi Mikestr, thanks for responding. I guess I responded to your OP as I did because you left out certain important points. After your clarification things make more sense. If you say you have been arguing for years then one can understand that bitterness may have crept in gradually till resentment took the place of love. You still have'nt mentioned whether you tried MC and IC for both of you. Things like ego do not change over a period of time unless one consciously tries to conquer it so both of you must have had your egos in place when you first started dating. I do not know if yours was a head over heels love affair or something more steady state but if it was the former then I guess both of you overlooked the obvious faults in each other in the heat of the moment. However. I still maintain that 16 years is a long period of time with a lot of history between you two. It would be tragic to consign that long a relationship to the dustbin without making a herculean effort to save it. If you two have not yet tried MC and IC then I would suggest you try that even while you are separated. If you two really were madly in love at the start of your relationship then I am sure that love must still be buried somewhere within your hearts, dormant and waiting to be reawakened. My own personal experience is that as two people go on together in life the love only grows but goes down to a deeper level. Even if there are storms at the surface it is the love at these deeper levels that help tide over the temporary disruptions. I would think that only very shallow people with no real substance to them who are more narcissistic than unselfish would give up on a relationship which has endured as long as yours. I may be completely off track here but I think you should make one more serious shot at trying to save your relationship. Warm wishes. Edited November 24, 2016 by Just a Guy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 I wanted to add a postscript to what I have said above. The exceptions to what I have said are the following. If there has been infidelity on either of your parts( already ruled out by you), or there has been abuse whether emotional or physical or both, or an incurable addiction which refuses to go away and is likely to drag the unafflicted partner down, then yes of course one must move on from the partner who is at fault. However, if these conditions are not present then one must make every effort to recover the magic of first love. I may add that mental illness of a debilitating kind may also qualify for a breakup. Hope some of this helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction3 Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Hi mikestr, sorry you are going through this, growing apart is hard and saddening. Have you and your wife tried counselling? The arguments and name calling and guilt are typically hiding deeper seated issues that just won't go away by splitting up. There is also marriage intensives where a team of counsellors get to the root of issues over a period of multiple days. Hoping for the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 (edited) I've been divorced for 7 years after being with my ex for a total of 20 years (4 years dating and 16 married). I STILL find ANY holiday, Christmas especially, to be very challenging despite the happy mask I often end up wearing. It's not that I miss my ex husband per se or regret the choices we made to split but rather it's about grieving the loss of our little family and all the good times with our children and respective families. Martial problems aside, holidays were always wonderful and even magical where we seemed to shelve whatever problems we were having for the sake of creating good memories for our family. And even though I've had some beautiful relationships since then that brought new and happy holiday memories, it remains bittersweet. Memories are powerful, good or bad. I think what you're experiencing is very normal, to feel some guilt and a sense of loss particularly when you've spent so many years with that person. You just can't let that feeling, which is often temporary due to the holidays, cloud and confuse you regarding why you're not together on the holidays in the first place. Edited November 24, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Guilt is the most useless of feelings. It doesn't go anywhere, doesn't help in any way, and is cruelty inflicted on the self. So begin the process of forgiving yourself. Regret and remorse are ok, but they shouldn't be felt forever. Whether you stay together or divorce, the arguing needs to stop. It's dispiriting, exhausting and pointless. It will make you old. And it takes two to argue. So withdraw your participation in those arguments. "The first duty of love is to listen." - Paul Tillich Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 I've been married for 16 years, so a fair amount of time, and over the years even though we loved each other, things (in my mind, probably not so much hers) were going a bit stale, arguments, money worries etc In other words OP, everyday life happened. I don't get any sense you're committed to your marriage. Continents drift, spouses either put in the work needed to sustain a relationship - or they don't. Why haven't you been to counseling, either individually or as a couple. ??? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts