Can I save my marriage

[dptt]

Hi, I have been married for 10 years and been with my wife for over 20 years. A few months ago via facebook I started to talk to another woman which led to a very brief kiss but also some very flirty messages which continued for a few months. We got caught and I agreed to not see or text this woman again. A few weeks ago I received a message from her friend saying how upset she was and if she could message me. I said yes (worst mistake of my life) and for a few days I told her what she wanted to hear, not what I meant but what I thought she woudl want to hear to make her feel better. Unknown to us her partner was watching every message and passed it on to my wife. My wife is angry, hurt and very upset. She has said she wants her own space for a few weeks so I have moved out but continue to see our daughter. Do you think their is any way back? I really dont know why I allowed this to happen, I was perfectly happy I thought in our marriage and I do not want to lose my wife. n thoughts much appreciated.

[Lowrider93]

Put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would feel if she had played around on you, the feelings she will have won't go away overnight.

 

If she decides not to break the marriage up you better get into counciling to figure out why you did this and to understand what this is doing to your wife.

[RecentChange]

Oh gees….

 

So, you had an emotionally affair, got caught, then further disrespected your wife by continuing the affair, and again, disrespected your wife by putting this other woman’s feelings before hers.

 

Yeah, you done F’ed up

 

So, here is my advice as a cheater who is in reconciliation.

 

First, fully understand the error of your ways, and figure out what led you there. Why were you so weak to do this? Why were you seeking attention outside of your marriage? Why would you even dream of sneaking around with this BS again after you got caught?

 

READ “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” by Linda Mac Donald:

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_YOUR_SPOUSE_HEAL_FROM_YOUR_AFFAIR--ljm2.doc

 

You have to be truly remorseful. You have to understand the level of trust you broke and the heat break caused. You have to be willing to put in the hard work to make things right. You have to tell the whole truth.

 

Now, my cheating was much worse than yours (physical) but I did IMMEDIATELY go no contact the moment D Day hit. I knew any further sneaking around would be a second knife in my husband’s back, and while a second chance is possible, I wouldn’t dream of getting a 3rd. You snuck around again, so now you are asking for a third chance.

 

Also – I don’t know many people who have gone on a “break” moved out etc and were able to work it out. Sure, my husband was pissed and hurt, but we still shared a bed every night. We both wanted to fix things and make it work.

[BluesPower]

RC is totally right. You really need to listen to her and absorb what she is saying.

 

And, you defiantly need to read that book/article it will help you understand what you have done and hopefully help you be able to help your wife heal.

[S2B]

Get some counseling to understand why you did this - and how to never do it again.

 

Your wife may or may not want to reconcile.

 

Become willing to do anything if she decides to stay together. That includes considering HER feelings before yours. It also includes repairing the damage you've caused.

 

It may take a lifetime for her to trust you again...you willing to do that?

 

I live by a simple rule: if what I'm considering (and I give everything careful thought) may cause harm to myself or others = then I better not do it/say it!

 

Simple rule...makes life easy.

[SammySammy]

This sounds like a setup to me. Entrapment.

 

Sure, you shouldn't have talked to the woman again after you agreed not to. I still think you were played - allowed yourself to be played - and have a hurt, betrayed wife because of it.

 

The only thing you can do is to truly make amends. End any contact with that woman and her friend. Have a sincere conversation with your wife about what happened and how you intend to fix it. Apologize, but don't grovel. Then demonstrate that you are a changed man. From that point, all you can do is hope your wife forgives you and that her trust and respect is eventually restored.

 

Oh, and move back into your house. I understand being sorry for what you've done, but you have to maintain your dignity also. She can't respect you if you don't respect yourself. You do that by staying and facing the problem. Not by allowing someone to kick you out of your own home, bed and so forth. You were wrong, but never give up your manhood.

[dptt]

Thanks for all the replies guys.

I suppose I did what I did because I enjoyed the attention and the compliments I was receiving from this other woman. While my marrige was not in trouble, it had stagnated a little bit and maybe the attention we should have been paying each other was just not happening.

My wife has requested that she has space to fix her head, which while I think I understand I dont agree with me being away from the situation, I want to show her that she can trust me.

She has said at resent she does not want a divorce but she is also adament I am still in contact with the other woman, I am not but we all live in the same Village so at some point I will probably drive or run past her, I have given her my social media accounts so she can see who/what I post as I have nothing to hide.

[LancasterAmos1966]

The best you can do is to be truly sorry for what you've done AND give your wife a very reasonable amount of time to heal.

 

If you try to cut off her healing, if you try to downplay it, then you risk losing her.

 

But I am NOT suggesting you become her doormat.

 

I know a former minister that had an affair like 35 years ago. His wife took that opportunity to turn him into a doormat; he walks with his head down, she has become Miss Independent, etc. That turns my stomach to think a man messed up, but then was turned into a "loser" because that is what his wife made him to be.

 

What you've done is serious, but if your wife is tired of being married, she will most likely exaggerate this, and be able to blame you for ruining the marriage. Or she might stay married and just wag her finger at you for the rest of your life. This can go a few different directions.

 

Even though I don't know you, I really would not want you to be her doormat for the rest of your life.

 

Do what you must do to reconcile, but please be careful that she doesn't make you "pay" for the rest of your life.

 

If your wife truly loves you, she will forgive you and allow you to be trusted again within a reasonable amount of time AND if you love her, you will do whatever you must do to earn her trust and never repeat anything like this again.

 

Both spouses must give 100 percent of their best to make it work.

 

Wishing you the best!!

Edited October 14, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[dptt]

Thank you LancasterAmos1966. I think what upsets me most about all this is I did not realise how much I would hurt her when she found out. Even though she does not believe me (why would she) their was no real sexual attraction but I got a buzz off both receiving and giving compliments which made me feel better within myself.

My wife said it is in my favour that she does not want a divorce but needs space to "fix" herself which while I get I find it really hard to stay away or to even send her a message saying again how sorry I am.

It took a while to understand what I done wrong, I regret every thing I have done to upset her and I will do anything to regain her love and trust, just hope she can feel the same way.

[Just a Guy]

Hi dptt, guess you really screwed up. How long have you been away from your family? Do you think your wife might be having a revenge affair to rub in your face? If she is really upset with you she just might think of getting back at you this way and the fact that you are away from her makes it easy for her to do something like this. I may be completely wring but can you rule out something like this happening? In your place I would keep my eyes and ears open. Warm wishes.

[Fix Your Marriage]

Yes, you can save your marriage.

 

Look - You messed up. It was stupid, then really stupid the second time. It happens - we've all made stupid mistakes so don't be too hard on yourself.

 

That said, here is a little tough love for moving forward...

 

You need to stop being a weak man and instead, become a man of integrity. Live by your principles.

 

Stop apologizing - She already knows you're sorry. The more you grovel - the weaker you are. Focus on moving forward instead of reliving it.

 

Take full responsibility - It's your fault your marriage became vulnerable to this situation. The cause - complacency. Take responsibility for not letting you marriage become boring ever again.

 

Stop arguing with the separation - If this is what she needs to process the situation, let her have it. Every time you argue with her, you are telling her that she is wrong. Not smart.

 

Be strong - live by principles and no matter what, you'll be fine.

 

Good luck!