timbuktwo Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Hi all, I want to preface that this is in regards to a same-sex relationship. I hope no one responds with anything anti-gay. My wife and I have been married for 3 years and together for 6 years. Her parents disowned us when we became parents through adoption/fostering because they didn't "outsiders". Her parents are very unique and difficult. She has been working on rebuilding that relationship. Her brother in law died suddenly from cancer a few years ago and that was very difficult on us all. We have endured a lot of difficult times together. Recently she was diagnosed as bipolar, suffered from pseudoseizures (seizures caused by trauma/stress/anxiety) and was hospitalized for 3 days and then a few days later drank so much/took Xanax and I ended up having her taken to the hospital via ambulance. She claims she wasn't trying to kill herself but at the hospital she just kept saying she wants to die and I should just leave her. She has been sober for about a month now. About a year ago, she became friends with a co-worker who is married to a man with 2 children. They started obsessively texting. We would be with the kids and she would be texting. They were going out every weekend and drinking and staying out till 2 or 3 in the morning. I started feeling concerned and jealous by how much energy she was pouring into this friendship and started questioning her and she became very defensive and said I was trying to control her and not let her have friends. She has lots of friends.... I have not had any problems with anyone else before! During the hospitalization, I found some confusing text messages between the two of them saying I love and miss you so much, I'll be there kissing you soon, a bunch of kissy faces and the woman left something that had her perfume on it for her to have at the hospital. I confronted her after she was out of the hospital and claims is not an affair but rather seeking emotional support from friends. I talked to the other woman and she was mortified that I would think that and said she considered my spouse to be like family. Since her hospitalization, she has said she needs space to process. Over the weekend, she yelled at me for not giving her enough space so I asked her to define what giving her space needs so I can give her the space she is asking for and I would stop violating this invisible boundary I seemed to be crossing. Eventually she said she wanted a divorce. She claims I am emotionally abusive and manipulative. After some yelling and a lot of me crying and begging, I stepped away and did a lot of thinking. I even took a 52 course anger management online course to determine if I really have anger problems. It was interesting and I learned new things, but I'm not sure it was really applicable to the severity that it is intended for. I'm not a violent person and have never laid a finger on anyone but sometimes a passionate speaker. Initially I took this feedback to heart and convinced myself that it must be true but after talking with my own therapist, I think I am letting myself be the scapegoat. We all at times give guilt trips when we are upset and get into arguments. I have been very honest with my therapist and she is concerned there is something much deeper going on here. I am sure I have contributed to her negative feelings, but I am a very self aware person who takes accountability and willing to put the work in on myself to become a better partner. So she said she is willing to go to couples therapy but still wants a divorce. She called her parents and told them she wants to divorce me. She is still wearing her wedding ring and has not contacted any attorneys. I asked her why she wanted to do couples counseling if she was so determined to divorce me and she said "I am saying right now, I want to divorce you, but that doesn't mean it is what I am going to do". I am royally confused.... Anyone have any experience with mental illness as a compounding factor? Any insight that I am missing? Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 It sounds, to me, like she is trying to keep her options open and isn't ready to make a real decision. This isn't surprising, as I think a good number of people in her shoes, or yours, would have similar feelings of ambivalence. I think the task is to find out if it's truly ambivalence, if she's really unsure of what to do ... or if she's keeping you as a Plan B, back-burner option if things don't work out in her new life. For you, I don't see a down-side to doing counseling. Best-case scenario, you two are able to work through this and stick together. Worst-case scenario, you split up but counseling helps you both understand and cope with the situation better. Either way, I think it will help in some way. I wish you luck. KTB Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, hopefully you will be able to gain enough knowledge from people here who have been thru similar circumstances. Why at this point in your relationship does she feel that she needs to run to someone else for support, did you know anything about this OW?. If your not sure if your partner has checked out already then just back off, it will also give you time to sort things out. Relationships are difficult even without adding mental instability to the equation. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Initially I took this feedback to heart and convinced myself that it must be true but after talking with my own therapist, I think I am letting myself be the scapegoat. You're being gaslighted, look it up if the term is unfamiliar. It's a common tactic for folks in your wife's situation, figuring if she stays on the offensive you'll be so busy responding - and taking "anger management courses" - you won't have time to question what she's doing. You do know she's cheating on you, right? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 As long as she is cheating on you or still in contact with the other person counseling is a waste of money. Spend that money on retaining a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Your wife is making you the scapegoat for her problems. She's cheating. Period. That confuses her and she doesn't want to be 'bad' so she has to convince herself and others that you are in fact the bad one. Do NOT buy into that. Nope, you aren't perfect. Never were. But you all of a sudden aren't a monster either. You deserve better. If someone is not sure they want to be with you then you should be absolutely sure you don't want to be with them if that makes sense. Make her decision easy for her (which she wants) - divorce her. Do this for your own sanity. Do it to save you both time (she isn't miraculously going to come back to you and love you again). Expect history to get rewritten. You will be bad in this 'new history'. So bad that she has no choice but to divorce you. Don't buy into that. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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