Marriage is hopeless and considering a divorce

[Debk524]

I've been married for almost 26 years. Most of those years were ok. We have 3 young adult children and probably like many people got caught up in raising kids and not spending a lot of time on our marriage.

 

We both agreed when my oldest was a baby that I would be a stay-at-home mom. Due to being unhappy with the school district I ended up homeschooling the kids k-8. The plan was for me to go back to work after my youngest went to high school. I worked until my oldest was born 2 years into my marriage. Then worked part time for the next 6 years until it was too difficult with 3 kids. My husband agreed at the time. I took care of the kids and house and he worked. Then homeschooling was added to the mix and my kids were involved in many activities so I was very busy driving them too. Even though I easily worked more than 40 hours a week and he would expect to come home and just relax he did show some resentment about me not making a salary.

 

Just when I was about to start looking for a way to get back into the work force when my son started high school my middle daughter had some health problems. She had to come back home to finish high school (homeschooling). Also at that time I started having health issues and then had to care for my ailing mother who died in 2014. My daughter is ok now and is in college but now I'm not up to working. I have many health problems (auto immune disorders and severe pain among others and can't work).

 

My husband has a good paying job and can easily support us but constantly puts me down for not working or feels like I can't make financial decisions since it's not my money. He has no love for me and even when my mom died wouldn't wven hug me. Last year right before our 25th wedding anniversary he told me he didn't love me anymore. He couldn't give me a reason why. Supposedly there is no affair. He constantly puts me down and will start an argument about everything. He won't just have a conversation with me but yells at me. I can't even ask him a simple question without him yelling at me. If he says something that I don't hear and ask him to repeat it that is an example is when he will yell at me since he doesn't like to repeat himself. I'm in pain 24/7 but when I ask him to help me with something he gives me a hard time. Another example is if we are walking somewhere like an airport or even somewhere where we aren't in a hurry he refuses to slow down for me. It's hard for me to walk fast due to my pain but he just doesn't care.

 

Anyway he refuses to go to marriage counseling. I really think our marriage over and I can't handle the emotional pain he causes me every day. There is a lot more but I can't write it all here. I have no idea if he is planning on divorcing me but I'm thinking about leaving him. The problem is I don't have a job or a place to live. I also don't want to hurt my kids. They are all 18+ but will still be hurt. Then again I'm sure they are tired of hearing us fight. They are also pretty fed up with him too. I just don't know how to proceed from here. I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation. I also only have an associates degree and my former job (word processing/data entry) is obsolete. I actually wish I could work at least part time but at this point I'm in a lot of pain even after grocery shopping.

[PegNosePete]

It's pretty clear the marriage is over.

 

See a lawyer and ask what your financial situation would be like post-divorce. I am sure you would be awarded alimony. Most lawyers do a free initial consultation so it costs you absolutely nothing to find out information.

[BluesPower]

Debk524, Pete may be the quickest answer and I know that it is scary.

 

I could use some more information. I am on the other side of the same situation.

 

My wife never worked and has had chronic pain issues. It is hard on the both spouses. Your husband often feel unappreciated, and even though he loves you he shakes his fist at God asking why do I have to do all of this, why can't I have it as easy as other people.

 

All of this is wrong thinking of course and it makes you feel bad on top of everything else. My situation is a little worse because on top of all that I just realized that my wife was addicted and abusing a cocktail of pain meds just to get high and stay high. It took me 25 years to realize what happened.

 

Yours is not the only family that has had to deal with these issues, and you won't be the last.

 

I don't know if your husband is having an affair or not. It the bedroom is dead then I can assure you that he is fooling around, no doubt. Either way you have to decide what you want to do.

 

If he won't talk, and he won't get help for his anger issues and resentment, then you really have no choice.

 

You should not be subjected to that type of abuse.

[oldshirt]

so much going on here but let first say that your children will not be harmed in any way.

 

Chances are they already feel sad for you and realize that your marriage is not working. They will be inconvenienced by having to do some extra planning and scheduling on when to go to who's house during the holidays, but other than that, they really have no dog in this fight.

 

I'd bet good money that when you tell them you are moving on with your own life, they will say, "well it's about time!"

 

Your fear of your children's wellbeing is YOUR fear, not theirs.

 

Of course they will be sad and it will be a change for them, but they will understand and will be supportive and they will not be harmed or damaged in any way.

 

They will likely be supportive of both you and your husband moving on with each of your own lives. They already know that both of you are unhappy and dissatisfied in your marriage.

 

They will NOT want to be the cause of your continued misery if you continue to remain in a toxic marriage "for the children."

 

that is not their burden nor their cross to bear and it is unfair for you to place that on them.

[oldshirt]

secondly, you need to consult with a competent divorce attorney (on the downlow) and work with an attorney to find out what your legal and financial rights will be.

 

There are some minor differences in different jurisdictions, but pretty much the law of the land in the United States is that you are entitled to roughly 50% of the marital assets.

 

People can haggle and argue over who gets the pots and pans vs the china, but as a general legal concept, each individual is entitled to roughly half of the marital assets and property.

 

Additionally since you have been a fulltime stay at home mother raising the children for a couple decades, you will likely be awarded a certain amount of spousal support for a period of time.

 

That support is with the assumption that you will obtain some job training/education and find livable income in a reasonable amount of time.

 

The take away here is that even though you may not have current job skills or a livable income, you will NOT be kicked out into the street penniless and without a roof over your head.

 

So again, do not use that as your excuse to remain in a toxic and abusive environment.

 

You will need to consult an attorney that practices divorce law in your jurisdiction to get the specific information you need. Nothing that any of us say here can be considered actual legal advice. We are only talking about general principles and concepts here.

[S2B]

I've been married for almost 26 years. Most of those years were ok. We have 3 young adult children and probably like many people got caught up in raising kids and not spending a lot of time on our marriage.

 

We both agreed when my oldest was a baby that I would be a stay-at-home mom. Due to being unhappy with the school district I ended up homeschooling the kids k-8. The plan was for me to go back to work after my youngest went to high school. I worked until my oldest was born 2 years into my marriage. Then worked part time for the next 6 years until it was too difficult with 3 kids. My husband agreed at the time. I took care of the kids and house and he worked. Then homeschooling was added to the mix and my kids were involved in many activities so I was very busy driving them too. Even though I easily worked more than 40 hours a week and he would expect to come home and just relax he did show some resentment about me not making a salary.

 

Just when I was about to start looking for a way to get back into the work force when my son started high school my middle daughter had some health problems. She had to come back home to finish high school (homeschooling). Also at that time I started having health issues and then had to care for my ailing mother who died in 2014. My daughter is ok now and is in college but now I'm not up to working. I have many health problems (auto immune disorders and severe pain among others and can't work).

 

My husband has a good paying job and can easily support us but constantly puts me down for not working or feels like I can't make financial decisions since it's not my money. He has no love for me and even when my mom died wouldn't wven hug me. Last year right before our 25th wedding anniversary he told me he didn't love me anymore. He couldn't give me a reason why. Supposedly there is no affair. He constantly puts me down and will start an argument about everything. He won't just have a conversation with me but yells at me. I can't even ask him a simple question without him yelling at me. If he says something that I don't hear and ask him to repeat it that is an example is when he will yell at me since he doesn't like to repeat himself. I'm in pain 24/7 but when I ask him to help me with something he gives me a hard time. Another example is if we are walking somewhere like an airport or even somewhere where we aren't in a hurry he refuses to slow down for me. It's hard for me to walk fast due to my pain but he just doesn't care.

 

Anyway he refuses to go to marriage counseling. I really think our marriage over and I can't handle the emotional pain he causes me every day. There is a lot more but I can't write it all here. I have no idea if he is planning on divorcing me but I'm thinking about leaving him. The problem is I don't have a job or a place to live. I also don't want to hurt my kids. They are all 18+ but will still be hurt. Then again I'm sure they are tired of hearing us fight. They are also pretty fed up with him too. I just don't know how to proceed from here. I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation. I also only have an associates degree and my former job (word processing/data entry) is obsolete. I actually wish I could work at least part time but at this point I'm in a lot of pain even after grocery shopping.

 

The pain may actually be because he is stifling you. You may get improvement when you get away from him.

 

Have you seen an attorney? You may get spousal support and half of everything you both own. Check into it.

[oldshirt]

Now as far as your issues in your marriage, I would state that there is about a 0.00000001% chance that your husband is NOT involved with someone else or is not picking up chicks in bars or at work etc.

 

Everything you have said about his behavior and his demeanor towards you is right out of the handbook on how wayward spouses (WW) treat their betrayed spouses (BS)

 

If you dig through his computer, phone, emails, facebook etc or place a voice activated recorder (VAR) in his car or have him followed by PI or a trusted friend or family member, I guarantee you that you will find a smoking gun (more like a smoking arsenal)

 

The chances are also that this has been going on for years and possibly years and years and years.

 

Now some here will encourage you to find the smoking gun and use that to confront him and to try to blow up the affair(s) and get him into marital counseling (MC) in an attempt to reconcile and "save the marriage."

 

My advice is to use that as proof that the marriage is dead and that it is OK to consider your marital vows as null and void and to move on with your own life and pursue your own interests.

 

You have fulfilled your obligations as wife and mother and have raised your children to adulthood in a safe and nurturing environment, but your husband has moved on with his life without knowing about it and he is no longer treating you with the love, respect and dignity for which a wife deserves so you are now free to carry on with your own life as you see fit.

 

I am sorry that things did not work out the way you had envisioned them 25 years ago, but you now have the whole rest of your life ahead of you to do as you wish.

[standtall]

Deb..i feel sorry for you. Yes, your marriage appears to be DOA. This is very common for long term married couples when they put their children in front of each other for so many years. The love and spark for each other just fades and goes out without spending the time to work on the marriage periodically.

 

On the bright side, if you're in the states, most likely you're entitled to lifetime spousal support and half of any pensions, property, and anything gained financially during the marriage. Get a mean attorney and get what is rightfully yours.

[elaine567]

If you dig through his computer, phone, emails, facebook etc or place a voice activated recorder (VAR) in his car or have him followed by PI or a trusted friend or family member, I guarantee you that you will find a smoking gun (more like a smoking arsenal)

 

The chances are also that this has been going on for years and possibly years and years and years.

 

Now some here will encourage you to find the smoking gun and use that to confront him and to try to blow up the affair(s) and get him into marital counseling (MC) in an attempt to reconcile and "save the marriage."

 

...My advice is to use that as proof that the marriage is dead and that it is OK to consider your marital vows as null and void and to move on with your own life and pursue your own interests.

 

I agree.

Stress is an important factor in auto immune diseases, both as a trigger and as an exacerbator.

I think ridding yourself of the major cause of this stress, ie your husband, will mean your health will improve greatly.

[Clep]

The moment that a spouse says they will not go to counselling the relationship is over imho. I would divorce under those circumstances.

[lovingladyo4]

I want to first of all say thank you for sharing your story here.

 

I know it's never easy to allow others to see a side of us that is struggling or so full of despair. But you did the right thing by putting yourself in a position where you can feel the support of those who can relate to your situation, or offer you the encouragement you so desperately need. No one should ever feel they are alone in their personal crisis, it's just reaching out for help and finding a place to unload your burdens that takes a huge amount of courage.

 

You know, as well as I do, that marriage entails so much more than what we agreed to at the altar when we took our vows. It takes us places we never imagined and tests every resolve we have inside of us. I could be ashamed to say this, but I'll say it anyway; it took me most of my married life to fully comprehend God's plan for a marriage. I was hurting too at one time and felt I would never be happy. I had homeschooled and had health issues also. He had wanted to separate and be single again. I always believed God was in charge, but when my circumstances took me down the road to depression, I felt so lost and almost unworthy of His affections for me. I wanted to be loved so badly and when that never happened the way I pictured it, I thought my life was over.

 

Then one day I had a break through that changed the person I was. I decided that no matter what happened, no matter what my husband did or didn't do, I would act in accordance with what God was asking me to do. I decided I would stay accountable to God regardless of what my feelings dictated, and I have to say that the change that took place inside of me has given me a freedom I have never experienced before, and given me the fuel to move forward inside a disappointing marriage. I had wanted my purpose in life to be found in my marriage, but now my purpose in life is found in the Lord.

 

There is a Bible verse that I have clung to for dear life. It has chartered me through the deepest waters, navigated me through the deepest of valleys, and has kept me on track for how I continue to treat my husband. I can stand here before you and say with all honesty that I love him in the same way I would want him to love me, expecting nothing in return. My husband is incapable of meeting my needs, but that is ok now because at the end of the day when I put my head on my pillow, I can say, "It is well with my soul". '

 

My focus is never on my circumstances anymore. I forgive my husband multiple times a day because he does things that hurt me all the time. But when I forgive him, I am the one being set free. That verse I was referring to is;

21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

 

22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22

 

I wish we could find a place to sit down and talk, but since we can't, I would like to pray for you before I leave this page. I know your story is different than mine, but I just wanted to emphsize that with God all things are possible. Reconciliation and restoration are two things He delights in doing for us when we cry out to Him. We are never alone in our attempt to become all that He intended for us.

 

"Dear Heavenly Father - You can see what is going on in my life and how close I am to giving up. I don't have the ability to proceed in my own strength, so I am asking you to do for me what I cannot do myself. I know you change people's hearts, and that you want what is best for us. So now, please extend your grace to me in my time of need and bring the answers to my situation in a way that only you can. Please protect my heart as I place my trust in you. Signed, your precious child."

Edited August 23, 2016 by lovingladyo4

[LancasterAmos1966]

I've been married for almost 26 years.

 

 

Debk524, I'm sorry you are facing this situation. There are probably thousands like you on this board, including me, that have faced this.

 

In my opinion, refusing marriage counseling is not a big deal. But the other items are glaring red flags that show his disrespect for you, and for your marriage.

 

There's usually one partner that wants to get out of the marriage, and one partner that wants to keep trying to make it work. From your story, it is very obvious that your husband no longer cares about your feelings, he no longer desires to honor his marriage Vow.

 

You might want to get a used copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. The author interviewed hundreds of couples, and she found out that there is a pattern that leads up to separation/divorce.

 

Of course, he could be having an affair, or he could just be plain miserable inside --- and we know that misery loves company, so he wants to make you miserable too.

 

He has never lost you in 26 years, so whatever you wind up doing, it will require you to follow through. He will think you are bluffing.

 

I can't suggest divorce because of my religious convictions, but you will find both sets of opinions on this board. If you think it's time to separate or file divorce, there will be many friends her to help.

 

Please understand, just because I can't suggest divorce, I sure don't condone your husbands actions!!!!

 

It is very wrong what he is doing, and quite frankly he does not deserve you.

 

If, per chance, you want to still give your marriage a try, there are some resources to help. Google "Stander for Marriage" and you'll get some help there. Lot's of free online articles and others who walked the same pathway as you.

 

No matter if you go with separation, divorce or go with trying to keep your marriage intact, it will require a lot of work, and you'll go through a lot of emotional turmoil either way. Losing a Beloved Bride or Groom is no easy thing emotionally. It took me a long time to recover, but I am standing tall once again; and I know you will too.

 

Whatever path you choose, just know that there are friends here to help you through. Post often, ask questions, read the stories.....many are here to support you and to help you through.

[LancasterAmos1966]

it took me most of my married life to fully comprehend God's plan for a marriage.

 

Lovingladyof4, you show there is another option to consider. The book "Sacred Marriage: What If God Made Marriage to Make Us Holy, Rather Than Happy" comes to my mind when reading your story.

 

I'm Brethren (there's Amish, Mennonite & Brethren) so I was taught about the seriousness of a marriage vow. My wife walked out after 20+ years of marriage -- she left me and our 6 kids. She grew tired of living as a wife and mom. I tried books, marriage counseling, being extra careful with my words, etc. Nothing worked. She wanted out.

 

Took awhile, but I readjusted to being "single but married." I won't file divorce nor will she. So we are estranged. And I am very content to live single until death do us part. She was not kidnapped, so she does not need rescued by me. The best thing I can do is be a great Mr. Mom and enjoy life!! I am not a victim, so please don't pity me. In spite of being a strong believer in marriage, I thank God that she left. I have inner peace, I'm not living with a miserable person, and my home is a safe castle in spite of not having a wife or mom living here. She was missed in the beginning, but not any longer.

 

I believe a portion of "Standers" remain stuck emotionally; they are busy looking for rainbows and Covenant Trucks instead of focusing on letting go and recovering from the loss of their Beloved Bride or Groom.

 

Back to Debk524: She is being backed into a corner to make the decision on how to proceed because her husband won't follow through with treating her properly or filing divorce. He wants her to make the decision, and in that book Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships, this is actually a normal pattern.

 

At least she will get advice from friends who have been on the same path as she is.....whether she chooses to stay or to leave.....there's help available to give her plenty to think about.

 

I'm not in agreement with divorce, but as a fellow human, I'd still wish Debk524 well no matter the outcome of her marriage.....and I wish you well too!!!!

Edited August 23, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[Mr. Lucky]

Debk524, Pete may be the quickest answer and I know that it is scary.

 

I could use some more information. I am on the other side of the same situation.

 

My wife never worked and has had chronic pain issues.

 

Have to admit some of this resonated with me also. My first wife also developed chronic pain as she was to return to the workforce.

 

While there's no excuse for her husband's refusal to engage, I'll just guess there's two sides to the story...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveboid]

Get a job.

[BluesPower]

You are right the is no reason for her husband not to engage. In no way is it ok for him to be abusive to his wife.

[Debk524]

Get a job.

 

First of all thank you to you who have replied. I wasn't receiving email notifications so I didn't realize I had responses.

 

To be person who responded "get a job". You have no idea what life is like for a person with chronic pain. I have gone to probably about 20 different doctors. They all agree that I have an auto immune disorder as well as a cyst growing on the nerve of my spine that is eroding my bone. The only way to remove it involves a very risky surgery which is very expensive and involves a year recovery. I have always taken care of myself, eat properly and I'm at the low side of average in weight. I am in pain 24-7. I give myself shots for the auto immune disorder which lowers my immune system. Last year I even got the mumps. Last week I had strep and have myself one day to recover. I am not lazy. I simply physically cannot handle a job right now. I cannot sit or stand more than 20 minutes without being in pain. I have constant headaches and severe fatigue and I feel like I have the flu every day of my life.

 

Regardless of this I do all the wash, groceries, most of cleaning and cook dinner almost every night. I have always taken care of everything having to do with the kids. Now they are older but I'm still the one who helps them when there is a problem. All 3 at one one or another have had pretty serious medical problems that I have nursed them through. My daughter had major leg surgery and spent 4 nights in the hospital. I'm the one who slept on the couch in her hospital room even though I was in so much pain myself and took care of her the next 3 months when and couldn't walk. The first month I even had to help her bathe. This whole time my husband barely lifted a finger even on the weekends. While I nursed my mother dying from cancer I would spend several nights in a row and some home for a day. I would have to go shopping, laundry etc. He offered no help and no support or sympathy at all. Even at the funeral he wouldn't hug me.

 

I realize he works hard too but I also do my part. Right now I would get a job if I could but believe me up until the time my youngest went to high school I had more than a full time job and never had a weekend off.

[S2B]

Have you seen an attorney? No job means he pays you a higher amount.

 

You realize, don't you, that your disorder may be caused by your emotional stress?

 

It's possible/probably that when the source of the stress is removed - the disorder disappears too.

[PegNosePete]

Take the doctors notes and medical certificates to the lawyer when you go to see them.

 

He has effectively been financially supporting for a sick/disabled person for a long time so there would be an expectation that this would continue even after divorce, through alimony. Ask the lawyer about a "joint lives" order -- that's the UK name, I'm not sure what it's called in the US but I expect there is a similar thing. Lawyer is the best person to ask.