Whether to collaborate or litigate

[redbaron007]

I would like to hear from people who have been through the so-called collaborative divorce as to how effective the process was.

 

Background: Wife and I are early 40's , we have a 6 year old son. I'm a techie and wife is a physician. Our marriage was in trouble for 5+ years but we both rug-swept the problems. Last year, I finally moved out when I realized my wife was having an affair with a guy in our social circle. His wife blew their cover and informed me, sending me text excerpts. Wife blamed it all on me, no apologies, and continued the affair after DDay. So I moved out within a month and filed for D, and have no regrets...

 

To make the D less traumatic for our son, I decided not to contest custody and opted for the "collaborative" process, which a local lawyer suggested as cheaper and less stressful for everyone since most of the discussion is done out of court. But my wife would not submit paperwork on time, or waste time in meetings talking about her problems as a new single mom and lack of support from me. This resulted in a year of no progress with the $7500 retainer down the drain and nothing to show, except a verbal understanding that I would Skype my son twice a week, and see him every other weekend. This was because my wife practices in a rural area and my job requires me to the in a Bay Area county. To compound the problems, my wife was arrested for DUI in Jan and since my son was with her, there was a child endangerment charge as well.

 

I got a new lawyer since the prior one was running the clock by talking to the other lawyer unnecessarily and draining the retainer. The new lawyer has a less fancy office, is younger and more energetic, so I'm hoping he will be better. But he also suggests I keep the collaborative process going. My wife though claims she is flat broke (her practice is just breaking even) and cannot afford the lawyer anymore.

 

I'm thinking of abandoning the collaborative process and going for straight litigation. I'm also thinking of petitioning for full custody of my son due to her recent DUI issue. She claims she is taking counseling but her anger issues obviously remain.

 

My question: Have you been through successful collaborative divorces? Have you been through collaborative attempts that failed and switched to litigation?

 

Thanks!

[mrldii]

My personal experience with it is the only way it can work is if both parents truly want - and work towards - what's best for the child/ren.

 

 

When my husband and I divorced, we used one lawyer, simply to draw up the paperwork; we'd already worked out the details. Because he had the better-paying career, the closer family with built-in child-care, and could afford the mortgage on the home, we agreed he would have physical (residential) custody of my son. My son spent the night 2 nights a week and every other weekend; when he started school, we switched it to just every other weekend. When he got into Jr. High/High School he came and stayed with me whenever he wanted, which was frequently.

 

We agreed neither of us could move more than an 1.5 hour away from the other; whoever did the moving would pay to keep the visitations in order.

 

My ex-husband re-married within 2 years of our divorce, so my son got to have the family-life my ex and I couldn't give him together...and he got to grow up in the same house/neighborhood he was born *in*.

 

 

I could have gotten an attorney and fought for *all* of it and made my husband pay for the house, alimony, and child support...leaving him to live in a rented one-bedroom apartment and he could see his kid every other weekend,

 

 

but - *somehow* - that didn't seem what was best for our child.

 

 

Based on what little I read, however, if ever there was a situation when it's probably best to go to litigation (and to seek primary custody), this one seems to fit it.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[Mrin]

We did a collaborative divorce. It worked forus though I know I could have gotten a better deal if I had my own attorney. In my opinion this sort of thing only works if both parties are truly committed to making it work. Doesn't sound like that's the case here. Just lawyer up and get it over with.

[d0nnivain]

You can force somebody to litigate or you at least have remedies if the don't show up. You can't force them to collaborate. Since her actions say she doesn't want the easy way, the hard way is all that is left. Sorry. Best wishes. I hope your son is OK through all this.

[NTV]

I would say that the collaborative side failed. Your stance now should be to plan to litigate and only mediation again if they offer a better deal that way. Know what you're entitled to. There are places solely dedicated to men's divorce strategy available to you. You may want to look into that.

[Alltohim]

Since you feel there is a possibility of hope for your marriage, maybe you could find a counselor or pastor who can help sort things out for you both. In the mean time maybe your kids could stay with a relative. All this takes time, so take one step at a time.

[overseas2004]

I would take the kid. She clearly has lost her senses.

 

The collaborative process is better. Lawyers are expensive as you have already seen. However if you have issues like this I would think about litigating.

 

Be aware though that litigation can cost app to 20-50K depending upon your location. So you should be prepared for that.

[Chills22]

I do not understand what is taking you so long to get and protect your child. It almost sounds like you are not even very interested in that.

[anika99]

I always say do whatever is in the best interest of the kids. Given your ex-wife's new lifestyle of cheating, lying and drunk driving what do you think is best for your son?

[redbaron007]

Thanks for all your comments. I have started litigation proceedings.