Children have good life but don't want to be with my Wife.

[Why_So_Complicated]

I had written out a long story describing my past with my wife but had to erase it as it's hard for me to read long stories and was boring myself.

 

So long story short:

 

I will start by saying i respect my Wife. I respect her as person and respect the Love she has for our children.

We've had our issues that i think most marriages go through as stresses of life increase but i think we've graduated individually in our own ways.

I've had issues with her insecurities and constant "Walking on Egg shells" and "victimizing" of herself. We've gone to marriage counseling and was extremely helpful with our communication. We've learned "mirroring" technique's that forces us to listen then respond with acknowledgment repeating what they said and then telling them why you think they feel that way. Really causes you to step out of your own zone and analyse things from the other side. It is very hard to do especially in the moment but with a lot of practice think we both have done well.

I have many superficial issues with her, Laziness, Personality disorder, depression. I know some may say how is that superficial but in my view everyone's **** stinks and i know i have things about myself that i'm not revealing on here. So to conclude, I say we both know we have issues and communicate them with each other.

We usually say what's on our minds or pull the problems out of each other when a cold shoulder is happening. Which i think even though can be quite displeasing, is a needed release. I have a step-daughter with her who is turning 13 soon and i would say we have a healthy relationship (well as healthy as new tween relationship can be ) and her father has a family with another women and they see her on the weekends. I have a good relationship with him and we both focus on her well being. I have two children with my wife, 5 and 3 at the moment and we've had some major battles over parenting with them. I think we've crossed some bridges and now there getting a little more independent and alleviated some stress.

 

Before we got together she was a full time worker supporting herself and daughter. When we bought a house and moved in with each other, she quite her job after we had our second kid together, mutual decision as we thought it was best for our kids for her to be a homemaker. She was definitely better at her job than being a stay at mother. She basically lost herself, played on her Iphone all day, neglected the kids. Was completely lazy and even put my daughter in danger one time by neglecting her in the bath tub and had accident that knocked out both her front teeth. That was compounding with everything else and building up pressure that set me off mentally. I told her that was it with the laziness and victimizing and if there wasn't steps taken to help/fix it, we were done. Because all her life she was on her own and had a very "Alpha" personality, so it was mostly a "f-you whatever" response to most things. I was to the point of recording our conversations and recording the state of the house when i would come home to build a case against her when i went to court for custody of the children as i feared they were in danger. But luckily for us both she got help and figured that part of herself out and we worked through it. I'd have to say that was the lowest point of our marriage to date. Since then she improved moderately and even started working again almost full time. I totally support her in what she does to help improve her mental state. The job she has now has given her more stability and self-worth and i support it fully and support what she wants to do when she wants to do it. I do whatever i can to show appreciation to her.

 

So what's my problem? Well through the years i have learned that she is a miserable person to the core. She goes to therapy at least once a week and of course it helps but it's like there is a fake smile a lot of times and that she is looking for a reason break out into a miserable human being. It's been years now talking to her about it. Basically everything i have just talked about has been shared over and over multiple times. I've accepted this is who she is, but it wears you down. Some days i just don't have the tolerance for it. I'm completely burned out with it. The only reason i'm still with her is for my kids. I couldn't care less about how i feel when i see their happy faces. I work during the day and when i come home she goes to work and i cook dinner, clean house, and put the kids to bed. etc... it's not a bad deal. We don't live in contention with each other. We give each other a kiss before we depart and i feel like we put on the show for everyone. But in my soul i don't feel like she is my life partner. I know if we didn't have kids together our relationship wouldn't exist.

 

At the moment I live with the situation for my children because they deserve to have a family. But i'm worried this energy will bleed into them and possibly develop into something. I want the best for my children and i think i'm currently doing it, but it's been a strain on me.

 

I just want to better educate myself with everyone's experiences if anyone has any opinion's etc.. thanks in advance.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Why_So_Complicated

[Downtown]

I've had issues with her insecurities and constant "Walking on Egg shells" and "victimizing" of herself.... I have many superficial issues with her, Laziness, Personality disorder, depression..... she is a miserable person to the core.

WSC, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

I'm worried this energy will bleed into them and possibly develop into something. I want the best for my children and i think i'm currently doing it, but it's been a strain on me.

If you are seeing moderate to strong BPD symptoms, my concern for the children primarily would be the way your W interacts with them once they are old enough to start asserting more independence.

[Tayla]

Different perspectives . This was the readers digest version?

 

Sounds like the Mrs, is forgetting the communication skills. Get back to counseling with or without her. You may need a sounding board to tackle this change in " we are a team" mentality.

 

I can't imagine coming home to a child hurt due to negligence, that must have been hard on you...

[Girlfromcali]

WSC, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

If you are seeing moderate to strong BPD symptoms, my concern for the children primarily would be the way your W interacts with them once they are old enough to start asserting more independence.

 

How did you get BPD from his description? Maybe you should lay off of diagnosing people online.

[Downtown]

How did you get BPD from his description?

I didn't, Cali. WSC said she has a "personality disorder" and always thinks she is being victimized. BPD is a personality disorder and one of its warning signs is the false self image of always being "The Victim." So I suggested that WSC take a look at my list of BPD warning signs to see if most sound very familiar.

 

Maybe you should lay off of diagnosing people online.

You are confusing "spotting symptoms" with "making a diagnosis." There is a world of difference between the two. Nobody on the planet can do a real diagnosis of BPD or any other PD -- not in the way a diagnosis is done in every field of the medical sciences, which requires a determination of the underlying cause of the symptoms being observed. The underlying cause of PDs has not yet been proven.

[Why_So_Complicated]

WSC, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

If you are seeing moderate to strong BPD symptoms, my concern for the children primarily would be the way your W interacts with them once they are old enough to start asserting more independence.

 

 

Well that hit the nail on the head. I'm pretty versed in dealing with my wife's immaturities. Basically she is another child i have to raise. Its sad thing when her own 13yo daughter has a more mature personality. I'm so numb to the disorder that when i see her throw temper tantrums with her daughter that it made me think how her daughter turned out really mature when she has her mother. Her daughter knows she's unstable.

I know my wife is messed up and your information you gave was helpful. What is sad is i know that when my children are old enough they will see this disorder. I just don't know what to do. I'm trapped with her in this disorder because she has my children. I can't ever imagine disturbing my kids situation. I just don't know. I feel completely stuck and forced to just manage the problem. I feel dealing with the disorder is my best option verses uprooting lives and moving on. I couldn't live with myself knowing i'm causing emotional pain to my children. I've decided in the past that if my kids just get past point that maybe i can have an exit plan and they would understand by then. One of my problems is the sensitivity in general. I've grown intolerant to it and it's turned me a little sensitive to the sensitivity if that makes sense. I just want a Women/Mother not a child.

[Why_So_Complicated]

Different perspectives . This was the readers digest version?

 

Sounds like the Mrs, is forgetting the communication skills. Get back to counseling with or without her. You may need a sounding board to tackle this change in " we are a team" mentality.

 

I can't imagine coming home to a child hurt due to negligence, that must have been hard on you...

 

She is afraid constantly that i'm going to leave her because she knows how unstable she is. I constantly enforce our marriage future and everything but it makes no difference. Might last a night then it's like we never talked about it. Gets tiring.. why do i have to constantly enforce our future and love strategically. Why can't we move on mentally. uhhhggg i'm annoying myself just typing about it.

 

Trust me, seeing your child covered in blood and agony due to her mental problems is indescribable. There is another side of you that comes out that takes all cards off the table and i will leave at that. I'm lucky it was just her baby teeth. The worst is when they are in total denial they did anything wrong to begin with, refusing to take responsibility, which i made sure she did with-in a week of the incident. That's when i had enough and started building a case. That's when it immediately got serious. She knew what i was doing i'm sure and chose to get help at least manage that piece of the problem. But i still have to put that in check, the kids are just old enough for her to get away with it now.

 

It is what it is, think i have to continue to manage till i can have an exit plan.

[Why_So_Complicated]

WSC, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

If you are seeing moderate to strong BPD symptoms, my concern for the children primarily would be the way your W interacts with them once they are old enough to start asserting more independence.

 

BTW i didn't mention, i'm 37 and she's 38. Just to give an idea.

[Downtown]

I just don't know what to do. I'm trapped with her in this disorder because she has my children.

WSC, if she exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits, you will always find yourself in a lose/lose predicament. One reason is her lack of basic emotional regulation skills. Another reason is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, whenever you draw close to her to assure her of your love and devotion, you will start triggering her engulfment fear -- at which point she will create a fight over absolutely nothing in order to push you away. Yet, as you back off to give her breathing room, you unavoidably will start triggering her abandonment fear.

 

Of course, the task of managing her own emotions is HER responsibility, not yours. To the extent that your continued efforts to calm and sooth her are successful, they are destroying her incentives to grow up, confront her own issues, and learn how to do self soothing -- a skill that most of us start learning at age 3.

 

If you suspect your W has strong BPD traits, I recommend that you NOT tell her. If she really is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist and let the psych decide what to tell her.

 

I see her throw temper tantrums with her daughter.

With high functioning BPDer parents, I become more concerned about their treatment of the children when the kids become old enough to be more independent and resistant to control. At that point, the children can start triggering the parent's fears of abandonment and engulfment.

 

We've learned "mirroring" technique's that forces us to listen then respond with acknowledgment

BPDers (i.e., those exhibiting strong and persistent traits) typically had a parent who invalidated their feelings all the way through childhood. For this reason, learning good communication skills and validation techniques can help to reduce the conflict between you. If your W has only moderate traits of BPD, those techniques may prove quite helpful. If her traits are very strong, however, I doubt you would see any substantial improvement because she won't believe whatever it is you are saying.

 

Some of these techniques are discussed in popular BPD books such as Stop Walking on Eggshells and the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. You may also want to look at two online resources. One is a psychiatric nurse's blog providing 20 tips to nurses on how they can best deal with obstinate BPDer patients. It is located at Borderline Personality Disorder on the Behavioral Unit - Psychiatric Nursing.

 

The other resource is BPDfamily's list of tools for reducing the conflict with a BPDer family member. Those tools are described at Decision Making Guidelines. IME, my exW's BPD traits were so strong that none of these techniques made a real difference. Hopefully, this is not the case with you and your W. Incidentally, while you're at BPDfamily, you may benefit from participating (or at least lurking) in the forum called Co-parenting after the Split.

 

Finally, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your children are dealing with. Ironically, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding strong BPD traits is to consult with a professional who has never met the BPDer. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of their disorder -- for the client's own protection.

 

This is true even when you are paying the bill and attending some of the sessions. Hence, to obtain a candid assessment, it is important to see a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers. Relying on your W's therapist for advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her attorney for advice during a divorce. If you are interested, I discuss this problem in more detail in my post at Loath to Diagnose BPD.

[Why_So_Complicated]

Thank you for the knowledge and resources. Very helpful

[whichwayisup]

Read and download some e articles (and one may be a book) at depressionfallout.com

 

She has a mental health issues and they aren't ever going to go away. Med and counseling for life (meds for sure!).

 

Question is, how is her mental illness truly affecting your kids? It might be best for them to be in a stable and quieter household with YOU as the parent, than living under one roof as a family and they are exposed to things that they may not be ready to cope with or have to deal with as kids.

 

She can have visitation, see the kids when she wants to but not on her own since she is unstable right now.

[Why_So_Complicated]

My kids seem happy. She does put them before her depression for the most part (at the moment). But she has no spine and will let them run all over her only amplifying her issues and victimizing. It's ingrained in her to the core. It bother's me but i've mentally trained for it. Once the kids get old enough, it's over. It's obvious, nothing i haven't known since the first year we were together. So i'll be a man and father to my kids and tough it out and do whatever they need to make sure they are happy.

 

I know this is who she is for life. She knows it too. As long as my kids are happy i'm happy. I will have a future after her and my kids will understand.