After 17 years she says we shouldn't have been married

[MvilleMan]

Here goes, I do not have many friends that I can talk to so I will spill here. I have been married to my wife for 17 years. We have three children together and one from her previous relationship ( she was 2 when we married). It hasn't been a smooth marriage, we always struggled with communication and physical intimacy due to my ED.we tried counseling once at 6 years...helped for a while. Then again at about 15 years. Helped till we got to the sexual topics. We would di fine for a while, then put up emotional walls, distance ourselves, then she would blow up and we would reset the cycle. She got tired of the cycle a couple times and wanted to leave. Talked her out of it once then the second time she decided there were more pluses to stay than leave...that was a year ago. December 2014 and January of this year she really lost weight and was kinda sick and distant....a couple if times she would cry and say she was messed up....I would console her and she would get better. We went almost 6 years without sex...she would occasionally say we should have sex......because that is what married people do....wouldn't happen. Finally one night out of the blue at midnight she propositioned me quite graphically to do it.we did.....kept happening....then it stopped. Month later after a cold period for us she confessed to being addicted to heroin and meth. Stunned. She covered it so well, since she has a gluten issue she had based it in that. She cheated on me at a retreat in one of her highs. Flash forward to now. She went to an outpatient program, worked through 2relapses, and is now 108 days sober and really doing well. I was by her side all the way, being the one to take her to hospital with drug induced health issues, etc. all the while putting our issues on a back burner so that she could concentrate on herself....and me on myself and my confessed issues with porn. We started having great sex again 7 months into her recovery but that tailed off. She started putting up a wall again, but this time we talked through it and thought things were fine. So I sit here today...stunned a week after she says that she wants a divorce....she has realized that her drug use started befor. And during our marriage but was still pills....she used them to numb the feeling that we shouldn't have gotten married, she married me for a father for her daughter, financial security, and we had had fun dating....since all that was left was the financial and no more drugs to numb the pain, it is over. I am upset because I have waited patiently to restart our already dysfunctional marriage again, but this time both of us without a crutch of an addiction to hide behind. I am not even being given that chance. It is divorce only for her. I am so lost.w, she means the world to me and our kids...two in high school and one in middle school. She wants us to wait to tell them until after school is done this year then divorce. She says she has never been totally attracted to me and has no romantic feelings....the last sex happenings were her chasing a high to replace the heroin high. So here I am, hoping for a miracle, but when I detach and read it I think I would be an idiot for wanting her to stay? I know this will be a long process if we can make it to the end of the school year. I would at least like to sit down and talk about things....just to let my side be heard. I own up to my end of the troubled marriage, but at least I was willing to try and work on it again. In the mean time I appeal to my higher power for his loving intervention....as well as working on myself.

Edited November 12, 2015 by MvilleMan

[ProdigalMe]

MvilleMan, sorry for your situation. I think you're handling it the best that you can. Here are some things that are not your fault. Her drug addiction is not your fault, and neither is her infidelity.

 

She says she has no romantic attraction to you, that she married you for financial security reasons, and that divorce is the only option now. These are hurtful words, to be sure. But take them with a grain of salt. These are words from someone who is not sober. Maybe what she says is true, or is partly true, or is not true at all. Who knows what the truth is when heroin and meth are affecting her mind?

 

Consider this solution. It is a scary one. Let her go. She's convinced herself that she's with you for financial reasons, and not because of any attraction. She's convinced herself that she's using a sober mind to assess her situation. If she's apart from you, maybe she'll realize that she's missing you for more than just your money, or for more than you being a dad to her child. And maybe if she's really sober after she leaves you, she'll see your relationship in the cold light of day and realize that she did love you and that it's worth it to come back.

 

While she's gone, work on your issues. It's a good step that you're already self-aware. That you had issues with porn (and that affected the relationship), that you have issues with ED (which can be addressed with your doctor), that you struggle with intimacy and communication (which can be addressed by a therapist/counselor). Maybe you're feeling insecure because she says you're not attractive to her (in that case, take care of yourself, exercise, eat right, avoid chemical substances; it doesn't mean you are unattractive the way your wife says, but if you make yourself feel good, you'll at least be able to debunk the suggestion that you are unattractive to EVERY female). The point of working on your issues, however, is not really to win her back. It's to improve yourself, regardless of what decision she makes.

 

Hang in there. Like everyone on here says. There will be light at the end of this seemingly very long tunnel. It will get bad. Then it will get worse. Then it will get better. Like they say, every horrible day in the near future means you are getting closer to the day when you are no longer sad or upset. Then, maybe 5 years from now, you'll be able to look back on this whole ordeal and have a genuine laugh about it, either with your wife, or without her.

[Majormisstep]

I don't know Man...why would you want to stay in this toxic cycle? Don't the kids deserve some type of solid foundation (please know I'm not implying you both are bad parents but they must see some of the turmoil)?

 

This is not the way a marriage should be. I know there are wonderful alcohol and drug support groups for family members but this situation may be past that point.

 

Is this more above love or the fear of being alone? The two are very different. Intensive individual counselling should be priority for both of you. Then once there is sobriety on her end and you have established some semblance of self worth..then perhaps attempt MC.

[Mr. Lucky]

Month later after a cold period for us she confessed to being addicted to heroin and meth.

 

This probably should have been the first sentence of your post as all roads lead here. You've been married to an addict and are discovering some hard truths, one of which is they can treat the addiction but the behaviors often continue.

 

Selfishness, poor impulse control, anger management issues, flawed decision making, failure to connect cause and effect - sound familiar?

 

The easy answer would be to get out, save yourself and help your kids as much as you can. Any other choice is a very hard road ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MvilleMan]

She is a wonderful mother to the kids. Always has been. She hasn't used in 112 days so her mind isn't clouded directly. She has fully embraced a local NA group and attends 5 to6 meetings a week and has made many new close friends that she is in constant contact with.

 

I think the hardest part is the complete 180 that she suddenly took and complete exclusion from most of her life she has imposed on me that has be bewildered, hurt, standing here with a ton of questions.....which she only wants to discuss as long as the talking doesn't hint at anything opposing her solution. Know all her actions in the last week scream DONE,but when looked at with all the history and stuff.........well ......looks almost the same.

 

I am not afraid of being alone, I am afraid of seeing all that we have built together, all be it Ina rough dysfunctional marriage...kids, home,lives, friends....all shattered by her out of the blue decision to HAVE to be divorced. I hate change....

[Mr. Lucky]

all shattered by her out of the blue decision to HAVE to be divorced. I hate change....

 

Unfortunately, it's not up to you ...

 

Sounds as though she's decided your marriage was the problem and divorce is the solution.

 

Are you familiar with the "180"? Info here:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say “I Love You”.

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

 

It's designed to allow you to move ahead with your life while changing your spouse's perception of you. Give it some serious thought...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MvilleMan]

Yes. All those make sense, and I am trying to do some. I will try to do as many of those as possible. Some seem like a contradiction, but overall they are all attainable. Thank you so much. The side affect seems that they all appear to get yourself out of your head and into you own self and life. ( I know that is a book title). Of course wile you were probably typing that we were actually sitting and not pissed or cold with each other. She was talking about some scary times and I told her that those were also some of my most scary times in my life, thinking she would be dead by the time I got there.....so then she asked me about how my last session went and wanting to show that I am improving my communication with her, I told her that I got some clarity, but left feeling just as bad as I came in. I went and said some things about wanting to change things about myself...etc. not anything eye opening, but she did acknowledge that she has seen me doing things. But perhaps all that should have been skipped knowing these 180 steps. Ugh, another " I think I screwed up moment to think through."

[MvilleMan]

12 seems to contradict 33. I have been told and acknowledge that our poor communication has been one of the major issues with our marriage......so it is hard to do some of those things. But at this point I am able to graspe them and willing to work it. Thanks again Mr.Lucky!

[Mr. Lucky]

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

 

They're actually more complementary than contradictory.. There's nothing attractive about neediness and any whining/pleading/begging just reinforces the negativity your spouse already feels. You have to force her into a choice - your life is moving ahead in a positive direction, up to her if she wants to be a part of it.

 

As you've found out, you can't control what she does. You're only in charge of you and working towards being a better version of yourself is beneficial regardless of marital outcome. Hence the "don't give up", these steps are a win/win.

 

Your wife has turned her back on the old you.

 

What are you going to do about it ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[MvilleMan]

So....which number tells me what to do when her/our good car has a window that was nadvertently left down 3 inches in overnight rain.....and won't go back up right before an NA meeting. I could' to be an ass so I helped by covering it with plastic bag. Car is in both names and even though she has said we won't need it once divorced, I can't just let it be messed up. Ugh. Anybody know how to dry out a back seat so it doesn't smell like mildew. The thing still smelled new for goodness sake.

[MvilleMan]

First real test. Birthday party for a friends grand daughter. Particularly rowdy kid and always stressful....but no one else was going with her...my inner codependent clingy self was screaming that I should go......instead I said I kinda wanted to go, but instead would stay home and go workout with my boys (she has been saying things about the computer loving kid to get excessive). So she is off by herself....and I am off o the ymca. I was jovial when she left and commented that she should wear her movie star sunglasses with her bling jeans. She laughed and I left it at that. (Backstory..there will be an old friend at the party that she wants to see her looking hot...female friend that last saw her mend of the addiction really thin.). So I count that as a win......I hope.

[Marc878]

The best thing you can do is leave her alone. She wants a divorce. Give her a taste of life on her own.

 

Make your own life and leave her out. Stop any Mr Nice Guy actions immediately.

 

See how she likes it. You may be better off. Addicts relapse all the time.

 

Set her down and inform her you will never be there for her again. You are now on your own

 

Get separate bank accounts and see an attourney to protect yourself.

 

What do you have to do to get custody of the kids???? They need to be yor priority number one now.

 

Treat her like the postman. You know who it is but they are nothing to you.

[xuxo]

just like you...my 'funk' did it and we have agreed to split.

thanks for the post

[MvilleMan]

We have good and bad days. The good days are when we are both relaxed enough to have a laugh or chat without remembering where this journey might be heading. Bad days is when her back is sore, I ask if there is anything I can do to help, she says no....then 5 minutes latershe is laughing and asks our 18 y.o. Son to rub her back , it hurts. Some days it is like looking into eyes with no emotion, until she looks at the kids or one of her recovery friends, then the light comes back on. I guess I just cannot believe that she truthfully could have just stopped feeling anything for me just that quick.....I mean there is NOTHING there, not even a hint of something? Ugh. This is brutal, but as long as I am here, I will keep fighting for the marriage. Might be stupid or a lost cause, but at least I will not go down without a fight this time. Perhaps I should have sometime during the last 17years and I wouldn't be in this position.