I stayed and life got really messed up....

[SomeoneCA]

I'll put my question at the top, for those that don't want to read: Is lust enough to rekindle a marriage and make it work? Can I learn to love my wife again after two years of me cheating?

 

My previous post is here.

 

After the episode two years ago, we decided to separate. When she got home with her parents, we found out she was pregnant (mine for sure). She moved back in, we had our child. She made two big promises to me as a condition of me staying, neither of which she has kept. They were very unorthodox items though, but she shouldn't have promised if she didn't mean it. This has created trust issues for me.

 

She did make improvements though. She got a job, got into shape, let me have my own life, improved in a lot of areas. But she still had breakdowns. Most recently she fought with the police 6 months ago. I asked for the police to come to my house with me to make sure there was no incident as I tried to get my stuff. It ended up with her being pinned down, handcuffed, bruised, and thrown in a patrol car. They almost tazed her, but I begged them not to. These types of incidents happen about every 4-6 months, usually not this extreme.

 

I'm no saint either, I have cheated on her...a lot. With at least 10 different women in 2 years. I had never cheated in my life before her suicide attempt, always faithful to any SO. She said she doesn't want to know and assumes everything is fine. "If you do something, just don't tell me." I'm romantically involved with someone else right now, it definitely feels like love to me.

 

6 weeks ago I had to take our child to the emergency room when she was out with her friends for dinner. I called, and called, and texted for 3 hours and received no response. She has a history of her phone dying or not hearing texts, it's been a serious problem and I've told her we have a child now and she needs to be reachable. She had no idea what happened when she returned home around 9pm. Answering your texts isn't a big issue if it happens a few times, when it happens all the time, it's a problem to me.

 

Three days later I told her I'm not in love with her and I want a divorce...again. She broke down and literally begged me stay. Shaking on the ground, kneeling down, like someone begging for their life would do. Holding onto me and screaming that I can't leave her. It's typical behavior for her and I've become accustomed to it. I said, "I'm not going to talk to you like this, you're an adult", and walked away. She oscillated between "Fine, leave, I don't care" to "my life is ruined without you". Now, she says she will do whatever I want and make whatever changes I need and she really has over the past 6 weeks. I literally have to make no effort in this marriage now. No child care, no chores, can do whatever I want whenever I want with whoever I want and she is ok with it.

 

So here I am, contemplating moving forward with divorce.

 

Why I think I shouldn't get divorced:

 

• She has made changes, not every change, but about 75% of what she said she would two years ago
  
• I don't want to hurt her, I wish she would leave me
  
• I'm romantically involved with someone else, this has to be swaying my opinion on divorce so I think I'm not seeing things clearly
  
• We have a child together
  
• As of 6 weeks ago, she will do anything I want sexually, I know it's terrible, but this does affect me. During my infidelity though, I've honestly had better sex from others.
  
• She is extremely attractive now after losing weight, part of me is jealous that the "next guy" gets to have what I pushed her to become
  
• Maybe I'm a sociopath that enjoys this type of intense emotion and drama in my life
  

If I get divorced, my girlfriend and I agreed we should separate for at least 6 months, maybe indefinitely because I will need to work on myself. I need to do it for myself, not for her.

[Ladyjane14]

The disconnect of cheating husbands never ceases to amaze me, and in your case, OP... it's truly astonishing.

 

You've been gaslighting this woman for what appears to be your entire marriage and then you wonder why she acts crazy. You've somehow seemed to forget that you had a CHOICE as to whether or not to get married in the first place, and since you've rationalized that you were somehow pressured, any behavior at all on your part appears to be acceptable.

 

Here's a radical idea... stop gaslighting your wife, dump the girlfriend, and try to make an HONEST connection with the human being that YOU vowed to love and cherish.

[SomeoneCA]

We got married because she would have been deported otherwise. Lost her H1B Visa and I didn't want her to have to leave the country.

 

Cheating only started when she said it was ok, over 5 years into our relationship and it was a way to try and keep me when I wanted out the first time after dealing with multiple breakdowns from her. Prior to that I was happy, for the most part.

 

I'm not a moral person, I know that. I think she's better off without me, but she doesn't feel that way.

 

Btw, I learned a new word, gaslighting.

[OnlyBelieve]

You asked a question, Can you learn to love your wife after two years of you cheating?

 

You have to ask yourself, have you loved your wife at all from the beginning? What's the foundation of your love towards her? Is it only based from an emotional feeling (Only how you feel and getting your needs met)? Do you know what love is?

 

My concern is what's missing in your life that you seek to make the choices to sleep with different women? Are you seeking love and think that's it? You can make the decision to divorce your wife but you will find your self in the same place if you don't cure your wounds.

 

What is your love based from? It has to come from your heart and you have to want to see the other person as something so precious that you don't want to hurt them in any way. Even when you are not getting your way or your needs are not being fulfilled. If someone is struggling, you heart has to want to see the other person get better in that area of their struggles. Never to turn away and leave someone in the state that they are. Can you honestly say that you did all that you can to help your marriage and spouse in the best way with love, honesty, respect, support and encouragement?

 

Ask yourself, can you have it in your heart to do that for someone that you say you love? Can you provide true love to the next person?

 

Did you say "I Do" to this when you got married?

"Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her, for as long as you both shall live?"

 

Let me leave you with this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Cor 13:4-7)

 

Blessings,

[SomeoneCA]

Thank you for the entire post OnlyBelieve. It was kind of you to take the time to write all of that and provide some help.

 

My concern is what's missing in your life that you seek to make the choices to sleep with different women? Are you seeking love and think that's it? You can make the decision to divorce your wife but you will find your self in the same place if you don't cure your wounds.

 

This is an interesting point, and one I think I've come to terms with. I was happy in the marriage before and never sought this type of attention. Only after the darker moments, and her giving permission to see others, did I start to seek comfort in other women. For me, it's the only way for me to sustain happiness and I realize almost all of those were very empty. I knew that before I got involved with any of them.

 

My child brings me joy, but not the thought of them growing up in a household where parents fight a lot.

 

To answer your question, I'm seeking balance and being content with my life. But she won't let me go, she would be devastated if I went. I don't want to deal with the drama that comes with filing for divorce.

[OnlyBelieve]

We want children to be raised in a healthy home, surrounded by healthy relationships so they can duplicate the same. (Love + peace + joy = happiness)

 

I am glad that you are seeking balance. It can become very tough when so many negative things are going on. It's a distraction to the point we only see the bad and not the possibility of any good in the situation.

 

I think when that dark moment arrived, counseling or the proper support for that specific area to help guide and direct you to overcome that time may have been a positive impact for you and your marriage. Sorry you were lead to that.

 

You seem to be a good person and only wants the best for his family. Have you ever thought about counseling for yourself, her and the marriage.

 

It's not a bad thing. We sometimes have to do it so that we can be the best person for ourselves and share it with others. We can only do what we know how to do. Sometimes having outside support helps us to become who we want to be deep inside. It helps with how to overcome our struggles and challenges.

 

Have you ever thought about that?

[66Charger]

Let's hope this thread gets moved to the infidelity forum. For a healthier exchange of advice, why dont you post this thread there OP?

[loveboid]

You can still leave whether she lets you go or not. It doesn't matter how dramatic she gets.

[Ladyjane14]

We got married because she would have been deported otherwise. Lost her H1B Visa and I didn't want her to have to leave the country.

 

Cheating only started when she said it was ok, over 5 years into our relationship and it was a way to try and keep me when I wanted out the first time after dealing with multiple breakdowns from her. Prior to that I was happy, for the most part.

 

I'm not a moral person, I know that. I think she's better off without me, but she doesn't feel that way.

 

Btw, I learned a new word, gaslighting.

 

The possibility of her being deported didn't cause you to get her pregnant, did it?

You made a choice to marry her AND you made a choice to make it a real marital relationship.

 

You also made a choice to withhold fidelity and true intimate connection from her by going outside the marriage, whether either of you realized the damage that decision would cause over the course of time. Just as you can't put your money in one bank and withdraw it from another, you can't put your attention/affection in an outside relationship and build emotional wealth in your primary one. You've starved your marriage of REAL connection, and now you're dealing with the fallout from it.

 

Listen... I say this as gently as I can, but dude, you've got a problem. I'm not a professional, but it really looks alot like sex/love addiction from what you've posted.

 

Try Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. The author is a recovery addict himself, so he's empathetic. If you don't find any truth in it, you learn a little something about a new subject; no harm/no foul. But if you do see something of yourself there... you learn how to begin rebuilding your life.

Edited October 6, 2015 by Ladyjane14

[SomeoneCA]

Tried to end it tonight again and we stayed up until 4am talking about it with her begging me and crying and just not letting go. I made it clear I did not love her and I wanted out. That I have no interest in trying anymore.

 

She grabbed a weapon at one point and said she would take her own life. And kept begging for me to not leave her, that she can make me happy, that even if she's not happy, she'll do whatever I want. At one point she said "let's get a divorce" and I was thrilled, but then she took it back.

 

It was like someone close to her had died. It was this moan/cry that makes me cringe and kept going for 6 hours begging me to not leave. I agreed to stay because I can't deal with this drama right now and function in my job, I told her I'm not happy staying and it makes me resent her, but she calmed down and seemed much happier after that.

 

I don't know what to do....

[loveboid]

Use the no contact method. You don't have to deal with her drama. You've already given her fair warning. When she's out of the house grab your things, go and never look back.

 

She's a nutter. This is all manipulation or she's Borderline and needs therapy. Get out as fast as you can.

 

No contact: It's a marathon not a sprint. Hold fast. No communication whatsoever. I would leave a note saying, "It's hopeless. Goodbye forever."

[SomeoneCA]

How do you fight that feeling of thinking they could change? And this could really be the time that things don't get bad again?

 

The fighting with police was 6 months ago and she blames me for that situation and never wants me to mention it again. But there is this nagging feeling like I should try more and try harder to save the marriage...maybe I did create that situation? Like the first reply said, did I gaslight her?

[chapter44]

I'm no saint either, I have cheated on her...a lot. With at least 10 different women in 2 years.

 

 

So here I am, contemplating moving forward with divorce.

 

Why I think I shouldn't get divorced:

 

• She has made changes, not every change, but about 75% of what she said she would two years ago
  
• I don't want to hurt her, I wish she would leave me
  
• I'm romantically involved with someone else, this has to be swaying my opinion on divorce so I think I'm not seeing things clearly
  
• We have a child together
  
• As of 6 weeks ago, she will do anything I want sexually, I know it's terrible, but this does affect me. During my infidelity though, I've honestly had better sex from others.
  
• She is extremely attractive now after losing weight, part of me is jealous that the "next guy" gets to have what I pushed her to become
  
• Maybe I'm a sociopath that enjoys this type of intense emotion and drama in my life

You obviously have no empathy or concern for this woman. You are unfaithful, take credit for her physical appearance, use and degrade her sexually, minimize her efforts, and then turn everything around and make it her fault. YOUR LAST BULLET POINT WAS DEAD ON THE MONEY.

[SomeoneCA]

I said some mean thing to her too, I feel terrible about it. I said, "Fine, I'm staying, but F*** You for forcing me into this". After 6 hours I was so drained mentally and emotionally I couldn't handle it and just snapped.

 

Amazingly...she somehow felt better after all of that...

[SomeoneCA]

You obviously have no empathy or concern for this woman. You are unfaithful, take credit for her physical appearance, use and degrade her sexually, minimize her efforts, and then turn everything around and make it her fault. YOUR LAST BULLET POINT WAS DEAD ON THE MONEY.

 

So if I'm cognizant of this, isn't is better that I get out of her life and let her move on? How I treat her isn't good for her, but she won't let go.

 

And then I can focus on getting myself better, if that's even possible.