Looking for support & encouragement moving forward with divorce

[midlifewife]

I am on the brink of asking my H for a divorce. It's been a long time coming, and I have only recently gotten past my lingering doubts about whether I should stay or leave. We are taking our daughter out of state for college in a couple weeks and I'm holding back until after that because I don't want that to be her 'parting gift' when embarking on this huge change in her life. I've written a letter to him that explains everything and plan on giving that to him and then talking about it. I know some might advise against this, but I honestly don't think I could get the words out any other way. So, now I'm just waiting and fretting about what's to come.

 

I am working hard to keep my resolve during this interim time. We've been married a long time, so there is a lot invested in this relationship. Also, we are probably perceived by most people as having a great marriage. I keep wavering (lacking courage to change and fearing the unknown), even though I know in my heart that I do not love him as a husband. I do believe that, after an emotional transition, we will both come out better for this decision.

 

I could really use some words of wisdom, advice, support from women who have been through this and come out the other side in a better place. I've always been someone who avoids confrontation and difficult changes at virtually all costs, so this is a daily struggle with my anxieties about 'rocking the boat'. Thanks everyone.

[StalwartMind]

You can disregard anything I write if it doesn't fall to your liking, additionally it is also the view of one man, in case you prefer that of women as you wrote later into your post.

 

Regardless of some would advise against or for, it is ultimately up to how you prefer going about things. Communication, both spoken and written, can be challenging enough as it is. If you feel the best way you can get something said is through writing, then by all means I would recommend doing so. A lot of people can't construct or compose things as well when in an active dialogue, compared to when they get more time to process their thoughts.

 

Considering you have always been someone to avoid confrontations and difficult changes, it is perhaps even more vital you feel comfortable in any approach that you feel courageous enough to do. Anxieties are something to be taken seriously, just as many other things in life, regardless if they are generally considered big or small issues. Every individual has a right to live and no matter what has made you feel that your marriage is no longer what you desire, it doesn't make you any less human. Even great marriages can come to an end, without any part has to be blamed, not every relationship ends on a bad note.

 

You've already composed yourself enough to get these thoughts down, and seeking advice and encouragement. That in itself should be applauded, no matter if you seek it or not. There is no reason people can't feel some pride for braving themselves to doing things, which they deep down in their heart deem necessary.

 

When you've invested a lot of time in anything, not just relationship, it can be a turbulent period both physically and mentally to move on to something new. In addition to that, if you already have struggles of sorts, it can add to the difficulties with fully processing everything.

 

I don't know your age, and that is for the matter also irrelevant, but I have a female friend in her +40s who is still struggling with various things in life, however she's making rapid progress with overcoming obstacles that previously blocked her from doing things which she actually always wanted. We all may feel a bit ashamed with accepting certain realities, I mean after all society is incredibly good with telling us what is wrong to do or think, but when it comes to helping each other, there seems to be a huge lack of ideas when it comes to doing what is "right".

 

No matter what as some final words, I feel one of the most gracious traits humans can have and show is understanding of others, even if they don't agree with everything that person feels or think. It certainly has granted me an insight into minds of individuals, which others may have disregarded as just being "problematic or difficult" without that is necessarily correct. Everyone needs special handling, and while all I wrote is no "direct do this do that" advice, I typically prefer making people reflect on things. Maybe it is of use perhaps not, it is at least something to consider and perhaps it will in some way help you get to the next stage in your life so you can end up where it is you need to be.

[midlifewife]

StalwartMind, I am a bit overwhelmed at the thoughtfulness of your reply. I think I do have all these feelings about being the 'bad guy' because I am the one making the choice to ask for a divorce from a very good man. There is so much guilt that comes from this choice, even though I don't see a very good alternative. Thank you so much for your perspective, it honestly is very helpful.

 

I think I just asked for women's advice because I thought there would be some familiarity with my situation, but you've just shown me that it can be anyone.

[Mr. Lucky]

Are there other kids at home? And can you be a little more specific about the issues that would make you walk from an outwardly successful marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

OP, having gone through the D gauntlet, IMO keep the letter to yourself, file, have him served and suggest mediation and see what happens. It's a long ways from a filing to a court stamp on the dissolution order. A lot can happen. If you're at the point of taking the first step, don't waver. Take it. Own that responsibility. The rest will work itself out.

[midlifewife]

Are there other kids at home? And can you be a little more specific about the issues that would make you walk from an outwardly successful marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

After oldest leaves for college soon, there will be one at home..just starting high school.

 

Nutshell reason for leaving: I have zero romantic interest in him and it's been that way for years. Have already been through trying to make it work. Emotionally, we are very compatible roommates and co-parents, and that's it. Just one example of how hard it's been getting for me...for the past few years, I end up frustrated and in tears every time I try to find a greeting card to give him for our anniversary or valentine's day. I don't feel any of the sentiments that the cards provide. There aren't any that say, 'you're a really great guy, but I wouldn't marry you again and I'm sorry'.

 

It's sad because I know he does have these feelings, at least he thinks he does, but I just don't. If it's not there, it's not there. I'm not able to manufacture these feelings, and I can't go on pretending. I'm not going to be this blunt with him, but I think I just married the wrong person.

 

(and, yes...I am thoroughly involved in beating myself up for not coming to this realization sooner. Denial and rationalization and blind hope are powerful things.)

[Majormisstep]

Well, if I could turn back time I would do everything in my power to make my M work. I grew weary of being the only parent in the household. H and I never did have that spark or deep connection in the beginning. We had to be with a crowd of people every waking moment because we really had nothing to say to each other. Then kids came along and the disagreements regarding child rearing. Going our separate ways surely would be better than the roommate conditions we were living in..right? Wrong! We were too stubborn to admit some serious MC and hard work could have brought us closer together. How I miss him and how he was (is) such a good man. I would sell my soul to get him back but it's too late.

 

You will likely never get those butterflies back with your H, the anticipation of the next phone call, outing or plans for a future but you would have a loving, safe companion to share the rest of your life with.

 

What are your motives to ending your long term M? To find that "can't live without you" love? This may exist but it is only temporary. And the dating world sucks in the worst way. All of our previous couple friends who were initially my friends do not invite me out anymore...for obvious reasons. All of my D friends who promised good times ahead, just us single gals, have all partnered up with new men. So much for the good times LOL.

 

Some people live happy and well adjusted lives alone. I am not one of them. I wish I knew of LS before I let H walk away. No one in real life ever shared the cold, hard facts of life after D. Now I am living it. It is a struggle to get out of bed every single day.

[beach]

If nothing else - you owe it to him to read the letter out loud to him.

 

There's no "asking" for a divorce. There's only statements - you either say it or you don't.

 

Please divorce him...

 

I hope you will seek professional help to resolve what it is you are seeking.

 

Best wishes.

Edited August 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content retained.

[NewBeginning72]

I am on the brink of asking my H for a divorce. It's been a long time coming, and I have only recently gotten past my lingering doubts about whether I should stay or leave. We are taking our daughter out of state for college in a couple weeks and I'm holding back until after that because I don't want that to be her 'parting gift' when embarking on this huge change in her life. I've written a letter to him that explains everything and plan on giving that to him and then talking about it. I know some might advise against this, but I honestly don't think I could get the words out any other way. So, now I'm just waiting and fretting about what's to come.

 

I am working hard to keep my resolve during this interim time. We've been married a long time, so there is a lot invested in this relationship. Also, we are probably perceived by most people as having a great marriage. I keep wavering (lacking courage to change and fearing the unknown), even though I know in my heart that I do not love him as a husband. I do believe that, after an emotional transition, we will both come out better for this decision.

 

I could really use some words of wisdom, advice, support from women who have been through this and come out the other side in a better place. I've always been someone who avoids confrontation and difficult changes at virtually all costs, so this is a daily struggle with my anxieties about 'rocking the boat'. Thanks everyone.

 

 

Yeah, I can relate to much of what you have written. Although in my case, we don't have any kids. And nobody (we hardly know anyone) would think that we have a great (or normal) marriage! But, I have struggled with having my life changed so drastically. I used to worry about the fact that if I got divorced, then I would also lose my in-laws. And then I realized...I wasn't all that close to them (and we moved to another state). I was worried about finances...and then I realized I live a very minimalistic life and don't need a lot of money. I realized all of this over many years. I wish it would not have taken so long, since I am not all that thrilled with being a single lady in her 40's! But, better late than never I guess.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's sad because I know he does have these feelings, at least he thinks he does, but I just don't. If it's not there, it's not there. I'm not able to manufacture these feelings, and I can't go on pretending. I'm not going to be this blunt with him, but I think I just married the wrong person.

 

I'm sure you've done a careful inventory but sounds like you'd both be giving up an awful lot. There's much to be said for mutual consideration, friendship, companionship and family history.

 

Are you realistic about the parameters of a 20+ year marriage? No way counselling could help the two of you find an emotional and romantic balance?

 

I'm not suggesting in any way you settle. I'm just saying be careful what you wish for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[midlifewife]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I just have to elaborate on my decision to leave. Unless I look at it from a strictly financial viewpoint, a choice to stay in a 'companionable' but non-sexual, non-romantic marriage seems no different to me than having a live-in close friend. Even if you both were on the same page with your platonic feelings (which I don't think H and I would be)...what benefit is there to that? What else do you get out of this relationship that you can't get from your friends, kids, other family and potentially a new partner?

 

In this situation, one is bound to be unfulfilled sexually, unless you have an 'open' marriage (not something I'm interested in). At a very young-looking 47, I'm not ready to give up on having a satisfying sex life in order to continue with a 'nice companionship'. It's not only about sex...a bigger reason for this is the internal turmoil I feel about this. Wouldn't it be completely unfair to him if I stayed just to stay? Maybe I'm different than some because I don't dread living alone. Throughout my marriage I've savored any time I get to myself. I realize that the reality might be different, but I'm willing to take that chance because of how sh***y it feels to be in the position I am now (for both of us).

 

I would hurt him if I stayed by not being a loving wife and will hurt him when I leave. The difference is, by leaving, I am at least allowing him a chance to find someone who can love him as he should be loved....and am giving myself that chance as well.

[andyg99]

OP - what has your husband said about all of this? Have you already talked to him how you feel about being in a 'room mate' type situation? I hope if you tell hm you want out of the marriage this isn't the first he hears about your feelings. This all may be obvious to you but he might not have a clue.

 

I wish you the best.

[midlifewife]

OP - what has your husband said about all of this? Have you already talked to him how you feel about being in a 'room mate' type situation? I hope if you tell hm you want out of the marriage this isn't the first he hears about your feelings. This all may be obvious to you but he might not have a clue.

 

I wish you the best.

We talked about it a while back and did some counseling. He thinks we just need to make more time for each other. When we do this, I usually find it awkward or boring and it doesn't make anything better. He's also tried things like getting into better shape and doing more around the house. Again, these things are great, but do not change my (lack of) feelings.

 

One more thing...when we did really talk about this, I was still thinking that maybe it could be fixed, that maybe there was something wring with ME that made me not want to have sex. Since then, I've realized that it's not just physical, it's more about not being romantically connected and not desiring intimacy with him.

 

I want to be able to tell my husband I love him deeply and mean it. I want to (at least occasionally) get turned on looking at him. I want to WANT to spend quality alone time with my husband. I want to feel like I would choose him again. I want to feel like we are supposed to be together. Truly, are any of things are 'unrealistic'?

Edited August 16, 2015 by midlifewife
added thoughts

[andyg99]

We talked about it a while back and did some counseling. He thinks we just need to make more time for each other. When we do this, I usually find it awkward or boring and it doesn't make anything better. He's also tried things like getting into better shape and doing more around the house. Again, these things are great, but do not change my (lack of) feelings.

 

One more thing...when we did really talk about this, I was still thinking that maybe it could be fixed, that maybe there was something wring with ME that made me not want to have sex. Since then, I've realized that it's not just physical, it's more about not being romantically connected and not desiring intimacy with him.

 

I want to be able to tell my husband I love him deeply and mean it. I want to (at least occasionally) get turned on looking at him. I want to WANT to spend quality alone time with my husband. I want to feel like I would choose him again. I want to feel like we are supposed to be together. Truly, are any of things are 'unrealistic'?

 

Are those things unrealistic? No... But let's say you find that guy who gives you butterflies again... You are in my age range, let's be realistic, will this new guy who is giving you butterflies now be doing the same as he approaches 60 ten years later with less hair, maybe a little spare tire and the bifocals too!

 

This love stuff is tough. If you do breakup please take some time to be alone even though you probably feel you have been alone for years. True love that lasts forever is very rare - it starts with lust and if you're lucky 25 years later when she comes out of the bedroom in the morning with no makeup, stretch marks from the beautiful kids she gave you and some gray sprinkled in her hair you look a her the same way as you did when everything was new and perfect.

[Mr. Lucky]

Since then, I've realized that it's not just physical, it's more about not being romantically connected and not desiring intimacy with him.

 

I've never been in a LTR where this happened spontaneously and effortlessly over the course of years. Where it did happen successfully - as currently in my second marriage - it's because both of us worked hard at it. And I'm in the fortunate position now to be with someone who works very diligently to make it happen.

 

There's no doubt you can divorce and be in a new and exciting relationship a year from now. As a "young 47", hope you're thinking 5 to 10 years out and beyond. Keep posting, let us know how your journey goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[midlifewife]

Dang, dang, dang...I am already back to wavering. It makes me so angry at myself that I can't decide what course I want to take. I guess what I've been struggling with over the last few days has been if there is ANYTHING else we could do that might help. I don't want to drag this on, but I also don't want to leave knowing I didn't give it my all.

 

I also keep asking myself if I'm being unrealistic in what I want in a marriage/relationship. I know this kind of marriage exists...I've seen it...but I also strongly believe they are the exception rather than the rule. Most of my friends my age (late-40's) are 'meh' about their spouses but just go with the flow and don't expect much more. I don't want to be 'meh' or wondering if I made the right choice...I want to be unquestionably sure that I am with the right person. I do completely get that there will always be ups and downs, but in my world, the 'ups' with my H are just OK. It's harder to deal with the 'downs' when all you have on the way up is 'meh'.

 

All of this is worrying about leaving a relationship that by some people's standards is 'perfectly fine'. I need to stop looking at other people's standards and recognize that my own standards are real and legitimate...even if some would say they are too high. If I don't, I just know I will feel like I've settled.

 

One other thing I keep pondering is...when I think about what it would take for me to 'fall in love' with my husband, it involves him changing a lot of things he does and how he acts. I need him to be less passive, more assertive, confident. That doesn't seem right...trying to mold him into something he's not. And, even if it 'worked', that's not really him and would the changes last?

Edited August 18, 2015 by midlifewife
additional thoughts

[Mr. Lucky]

Dang, dang, dang...I am already back to wavering. It makes me so angry at myself that I can't decide what course I want to take. I guess what I've been struggling with over the last few days has been if there is ANYTHING else we could do that might help. I don't want to drag this on, but I also don't want to leave knowing I didn't give it my all.

 

I have a quote from Einstein on my wall:

 

“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.”

 

In other words, life is a chaotic place .

 

Is there some reason you feel pressured to make this decision now?

 

Mr. Lucky

[William]

Folks, if you don't want to be suspended, our policies require addressing the topic in the present tense. You are free to discuss other topics in other threads. This topic is about support and encouragement moving forward with divorce and is posted in our separation and divorce forum.

 

Edited to add that posts which tangentially conformed to our guidelines and referenced another thread, something that's prohibited here except under very specific circumstances, were moved to an appropriate thread of discussion.

 

I'll clean up the halt I put to certain member's posting privileges and some halts will remain due to the content posted in this thread beyond simply going off-topic. Thanks!

Edited August 18, 2015 by William
Moved posts

[Mycatsnuggles]

Midlife. You seem very much like me. I too felt I was not a sexual person, only to discover I was by having an affair. While h is very good looking i am not sexually attracted to him.

 

We separated for a few months and even dated others.

 

I missed my h. He was my best friend. We had a long history together and he new me better then anyone. Despite all my faults he still loved me, loved me more then I deserve. I wanted great sex but not at the expense of losing everything I had.

 

My kids were older. I thought the divorce would not affect them. So wrong. They were devastated and angry at me. I began to envision what would happen in the future.

 

H had the women lining up to date him, I couldn't find a man who wanted to date me, I to am a very young looking late 40 year old. Men today expect YOU to pursue them and pay for dates. It was odd to me. I've always had men chase me but as a single woman men want young, were to old at 40. Expect you h to be remarried quickly, while you'll remain single and dateless. (I have several attractive single girlfriends who can also attest to this).

 

Now your h is sharing your children with some random women. Holidays are split and you share them with someone else. She will hold your future grand babies and share their birthdays and Christmas. When your kids marry there is another division of time and visiting mom may become low in the pecking order. Especially if your like me and have very little family while h has a large extended family. Holidays are more fun at dads house.

 

It hurt to realize how quickly I could be replaced. I liked sex, it was great to have the experience I did but my family, my kids, my life was more important then great sex. H tries and it is better. In the final equation I wanted my life back. Really think about it. How important will sex be in 10 years? Won't your kids and best friend be more important. If you give up your marriage you change the dynamic of your future.

 

I'm fortunate h forgave me, he even changed many of the things I didn't like and became a better man. Most importantly I changed! I discovered I had everything. If you had no children I'd say go for it. Run and look for the elusive sexual attraction. It's harder to find then you think.

 

Is sex worth losing all that you have right now? When you give up your marriage you lose half your family too.

[midlifewife]

I missed my h. He was my best friend. We had a long history together and he new me better then anyone. Despite all my faults he still loved me, loved me more then I deserve. I wanted great sex but not at the expense of losing everything I had.

 

Really think about it. How important will sex be in 10 years?

 

Is sex worth losing all that you have right now?

MyCat, thank you for sharing your story with me. I really read it and took it to heart. I don't know how much I can relate, though. I don't feel like my H is my best friend or that he knows me better than anyone. I also don't look at this as a 'sex' issue. I used to think that, though. I think it's more about finding someone you feel like you belong with and desire to be together, on so many more levels than sex. And...if that DOESN'T happen, at least I won't be faking my way through life, living in-authentically. Also, almost everyone I know who has gotten divorced has ended up in a better place...happier and usually finding someone who is a better match. Of course, who knows what will happen, but I've sure seen some encouraging success stories.

 

May I ask you a question? Have you become attracted to your husband now that you're back together?

[Mycatsnuggles]

I was so angry at my h by the time we separated I didn't think he was my best friend either. The separation brought out those emotions. I missed him. I wanted our easy conversations over dinner. A family tragedy happened and it was him I went to for comfort. He dropped everything including the new girlfriend and ran to comfort me. He said he realized how he hadn't appreciated the things I did for the family, he had learned to cook and clean, he's now neater then me and he makes dinner or reservations several times a week. We date. He plans special nights together AND encourages me to see my friends who btw are all hot and single.

 

Sex is still a work in progress. For so many years I shut him out while we had sex, kinda remove myself from the room. The affair taught me how to experience each touch, kiss with my eyes open, and to like being naked with someone. I'm still working on letting go of those reserves, on being present, on giving as much as receiving. He does make me cum each time.

 

I'm happy. My MOM and I never had plans to be together, me separating actually pushed him away, I lost two men at once. I'm glad I chose to keep the man who truly loved me,

[LifesontheUp]

Midlifewife,

 

Why did you marry your husband?

[Friskyone4u]

Not sure if your affair is still going on, but your husband has NO CHANCE to match the excitement of your affair partner, and if you are still actively in an affair or pining for your former OM, there is a good chance your thinking is impacted by that.

 

Very few long term marriage sustain the passion. You know that. There is nothing wrong with divorcing your husband if the alternative is cheating on him, either by continuing your affair or starting a new one.

 

 

I would just make sure that what you are feeling or not feeling is not being impacted by your relationship with another man.

 

The illicit and naught sex with another man who you do not get to see every day is not the comparison you should be making.

[oldshirt]

The fundamental question to ask yourself when contemplating divorce is will you be better off married to this person or will you be better off on your own even if there is no immediate replacement on the horizon?

 

 

If you can honestly say that your life will be better by being a single woman and not married to him, then divorce is a viable option for you.

 

 

In cases of abuse, addiction, abandonment, adultery etc, that is usually a slamdunk and even the Catholic Church will recognize that as valid grounds and will condone the divorce.

 

 

If you are simply miserable being yoked to him and you sincerely believe you will be better on your own, even if you never find someone else that sweeps you off your feet again, then you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

 

The danger zone that a lot of middle aged women fall into in this situation however is at some level they believe that if they were to divorce and become single again, that they will have the same options and experiences that they did when they were 25 and that simply is not the case anymore.

 

 

When you were single the first time, single, attractive, successful men will falling all over themselves to be with you and you had many options and could afford to be picky and choosy and selective and you had the luxury of sitting back letting them come to you to do their "pick me!" dance.

 

 

Unless you are Jenifer Anniston or Katherine Zeta Jones, that just isn't going to happen this time around. Yes there are going to be age-appropriate single men out there and there will be guys interested in dating you and having sexual relations with you.

 

 

The catch here however is the single 50ish guys that aren't drunks or burnouts or convicted criminals and who are fit and healthy and who still have their hair and teeth and who have successful careers are going to be dating women in their 30s.

 

 

The guys that don't match that description above are going to be the pool you have to choose from. Much of middle aged women's dating comes down to what are you willing to compromise on? Are you willing to compromise on balding and a spare tire around the middle for a stable, honorable career? Or are you more willing to setting for the guy who isn't fat and still has some hair and manages to hold down a decent job but bolts down a few too many extra drinks a night and is usually pretty petered out (in more ways than one) by 10 oclock at night?

 

 

...and as you have already experienced firsthand yourself, there will be married men without intentions of leaving their wife, that will be seeking entertainment on the side.

 

 

So I'll go back to what I said in the beginning, if that all still sounds better than your current life and you honestly believe that being single is better than being yoked to your current situation, then divorce is a viable option.

[jbrent890]

To be honest, I can attest to a lot of what old**** and mycat are saying. I'm a male nurse and over the years I have worked with a lot of divorced women in their 40s and 50s. The dating scene for women that age is depressing to say the least. One of my coworkers showed me what she had to work with on Match.com and I was speechless. The harsh reality is that the attractive and successful men your age are married. To be honest, I wouldn't doubt that is this a contributor to why a lot of divorced women become OW, because they really don't have that much to work with in the single dating pool. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to scare you out of divorce, just saying that what oldshirt and mycat said are true.

 

Lastly (and I maybe reaching here), I think another reason you are headed to divorce is because staying in your marriage means facing what you did to husband. I have grown out of the pro confession stance and have adopted the "do what the Betrayed would want" stance. However, in your situation, I really don't see how a successful marriage with your husband can be built without confessing. If you chose not to confess, I think you will be stuck with just more of the same.