Helium78 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Hello, This is my first time posting on this forum. I'm at a stage where I don't know where to go for advice or support, so I've found myself here. My tale is not unusual, unfortunately. My husband had an affair with my friend, in a nutshell. We'd been together for 16 years, my entire adult life and, while our marriage wasn't perfect, I thought we were happy, I was proud of my family, my marriage and being able to call him my husband. We had plans, a future and now, that's all gone. A condensed version of the story is that, in December my 'friend's' husband (also my friend) kindly informed me that his wife and my husband had a 3 month long affair, 6 months previous. He'd found out after being suspicious and setting up recording equipment in their lounge and recording them having sex. Classy... Even with this knowledge, they continued to be my friends, came to my house for dinner, we went to the cinema as 2 sets of couples. A very strange situation. I'd had feelings that things weren't right, but I was told I was needy, insecure, I questioned whether or not I was suffered with a touch of depression as the feelings that things weren't as they should be wouldn't go away. My husband asked me for a divorce twice, with no explanation and blamed his behaviour on having too much beer and laughed it off. So, in December it all came out after my suspicions became too much. I asked him to leave, told him I wanted us to separate. He agreed. Didn't try to change my mind, didn't fight for me. I'm fickle here, because I didn't want him to, but it would have been nice if he'd at least tried. Within 6 weeks, he was shacked up with another girl. That's a whole other story... We have a daughter together, who's 14 and we also got full custody of his son's from his first marriage when they were 5 and 6 (now 20 and 21). Basically, I thought I was doing so well, but recently I've slumped into a pit of bitterness. He and his new girlfriend are planning 3 months traveling in September - something we'd always planned on doing once the children were grown and settled. He hasn't bothered to sort himself out somewhere proper to live and consequently has had our daughter overnight for 1 night in 7 months. The younger of my step sons is still living with me, doesn't work, doesn't contribute and is lacking direction and I'm supporting him financially, emotionally and in every way. Today, I got accepted for a mortgage on my own to buy him out of his share of our house. I feel such a heavy weight of responsibility on my shoulders, when he's out living the life of a single man, in a new relationship and off traveling the globe. I think I have every right to be bitter, reading back over that!! HA! But, I don't want to be. I want to move on more than anything, I want to heal and adjust to my new life and ultimately, be happy. How do I get there? Will I ever get there?! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 But, I don't want to be. I want to move on more than anything, I want to heal and adjust to my new life and ultimately, be happy. How do I get there? Will I ever get there?! Let me just ask you this. He doesn't have a place to live or family to live with, in what statistically will be a short-term and failed relationship and has a daughter that now resents and may someday hate him. Would you trade places with him ? Personally, I'd rather be you - in your home (which you'll own ), with your family and living up to the commitments you made. Maybe this glass really is half full after all. As for the live-at-home, unemployed and non-contributing stepson - time for some boundaries... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
hromo Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 lm sorry your going through this. Mr.Lucky is 100% right, would rather be in your shoes any day. your creating stability and a nest egg for your self. absolutely buy him out and set boundaries. you will find someone deserving of you when your ready and you will have plenty of amazing experiences. but the best part is that you can hold your head high and move on, while he has to live with what he is done. Link to post Share on other sites
hromo Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 forgot to add that lm talking from a very similar experience and l found an amazing guy who has treated me better then l have ever experienced. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Let me just ask you this. He doesn't have a place to live or family to live with, in what statistically will be a short-term and failed relationship and has a daughter that now resents and may someday hate him. Would you trade places with him ? Personally, I'd rather be you - in your home (which you'll own ), with your family and living up to the commitments you made. Maybe this glass really is half full after all. Couldn't agree more. I had a similar experience where my STBXW was shacked up with the guy she was cheating on me with. From the outside, I was pretty jealous that they were house shopping, out partying, all over Facebook how amazing the other person was and they wait their whole lives to find each other. Meanwhile we had 50/50 custody of our daughter, but when it was my STBXW's week with her, she'd either flake out and my daughter would stay longer with me, or she get babysitters. Trust me. They are living in affairyland. It doesn't last and although everything on the surface looks roses, there is nothing there and at the first bit of adversity, she'll be dumping him for the next best thing. Being an adult sucks. Which is why your husband has chosen to keep living like a child. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Affairyland with his girlfriend will only last as long as he can afford paying everything - and unless he hands her over several hundred $ every time they meet this "relationship" will be short-lived. I hope you've dumped that "friend" of yours? Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I'm not sure what you should do with those two boys... I'm sure you feel that they are yours, even though the obvious difficulties with that stance must occur to you right now, even if you feel a little guilty thinking that way. Sounds like you could use help with some rent, chores and/or food coming in, and they could use a little lesson in personal responsibility. I think this complicates your moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helium78 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 Thanks, everyone. During my rational moments, I can see everything that you're saying. Social media is a curse, not a true reflection of life, but oh my, does it hurt to see! I am in a much better position than he is. I'll just carry on riding the waves, wait for the next crest when I'm feeling a little more positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Social media is a curse, not a true reflection of life, but oh my, does it hurt to see! Quit looking . None of your business in the most literal sense of the words... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helium78 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 Yeah, easier said than done... Link to post Share on other sites
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