Trying to move on but wife keep getting in the way.

[ti994a]

After my wife left the house to go to her moms and told me she didn't love me (and not much else) I spiraled out of control. Really bad. But after talking to several people I decided to pick myself up and get on with my life. I made an appointment to see a counselor for MYSELF. I have lost 20lbs due to stress. Turned that into a positive by buying some new clothes. I called every friend I knew who had a divorce and just talked. I was amazed at what I learned. I sat down with a friend who is a legal aid and she downloaded my State's Legal Dissolution and Separation Papers. She explained the steps of going through a divorce and my options about getting a lawyer or filing myself. I found local divorce support groups and plan to go to them next week. Found some special interest groups too, thinking about those but might not be ready for them. Haven't gone to work and don't know if I can return because I'm still not focused but I have 30 days worth of vacation and my boss is cool with me taking the time. I have been working on the house. For too long I have left things I don't like about it nag me. My plan is to fix what I can fix. Get rid of crap that we have collected over 24 years and sell the damn thing.

 

For the most part I have ignored my wife. I HAVE to communicate with her about financial matters and the children. Just business, No talking, texts or letters about the marriage. If she wants this marriage to end that is on her and I cant control it. My problem now is she won't LEAVE. She keeps coming back to the house and hanging out. I figure she just wants to hang out with the kids. But She keeps inviting me to join them. Asking if I want her to bring food for me. Going to her garden picking vegetables and giving them to me. I will not stand in the way of her and the children (One is 17 the other 22 but has special needs). She is their Mom and I want them to have a healthy relationship with them. She is now staying at her moms which is about 45 miles away. She wanted the kids for the weekend so I agreed to even meet her half way to get them so she wouldn't come to the house. I did not try to engage her at all. As I was about to drive away when she motions me to roll down the window and casually like nothing has happened says, "hey I'll call you tomorrow I would like to watch the soccer game." Ugh! My first reaction is that I will just run errands while she is here. Then I get angry that I'm letting her dictate my actions. It's MY Sunday and I wanted to hang out around the house. I can't let her push me out of the house. She left, she has to deal with the consequences of leaving. Her mom's house has 5 bedrooms. It is okay with me if the kids want to stay out there. It is summer and it is a really nice house.

 

I wanted to watch the game too! But I dont want to sit on the same damn couch with her! She wants space to, "think" that is fine but She won't give me space to move on. I will have to confront her about boundaries.

[starglider]

First, it sounds like you are doing a really great job coping with a situation that was thrown onto you - that is good to read.

 

Secondly, even though your wife initiated the separation, remember that she is probably a mess. In the past, do you think she suffered from "chronic niceness?" It sounds like she is filled with anxiety and conflicting feelings and has a poor sense of boundaries.

 

She hasn't picked up on your hints yet of what you think are good boundaries during your separation, so I think you should just spell them out to her in a professional way. "Listen, we're separated. I see this time for us each to work on ourselves and stay in touch over the children. So coming over to watch the game with me/us seems ...."

 

There are a million ways to structure a separation and I think you can build on the decent/professional communication you have established with your W to your benefit.

 

In my separation, H and I have a business to run together plus our child to raise and a lot of "joint appearances" to maintain in our small town community. We even went on a family vacation last week with another family (a deposit had been made last year on the rental) and slept in the same bed. But when I invited him to go to an art opening of a person affiliated with our business, he put up a clear boundary there.

 

Separation is surreal. Keep up your strength and healing.

[ti994a]

Thank you so much for your reply. I like your style

 

My wife bottles up her emotions and hates conflict. I am not a health care professional but I have known her for 30 years. I think she is in denial. I think she thinks she can separate from me but hold onto the family life she had. That includes me in the picture as the father with her by my side. even though my kids are 22 and 17 she has not talked to either of them on what has happened. Even after she moved out she never sat them down and talked. They are 8, they know what is going on. My girl the 17 year old has confronted her and my W just shuts down. I truly think her non confrontation is actually doing more harm then the good she thinks it is doing. I think we all need to address the reality of the situation and work in compassion from there.

Edited July 5, 2015 by ti994a

[starglider]

Oh Gosh, yes she sounds like a mess and it sounds like she's going through a mid life crisis ... something conflict avoidant people are more prone to do. Also, if she has an "insecure attachment style" (needs to get her sense of self worth from others by being needed and helpful), this also makes her more vulnerable to a MLC.

 

Do you still love her? At least the woman she was before she moved out and told you she didn't love you? (That is classic MLC talk/behavior to make such a hurtful, detached statement, upturning your whole past history together by saying those words).

 

If you still love her and can rise above her poor, scattered behavior, there is hope ... if you want there to be. Keep doing the 180 and just keep standing, while also moving forward with your life responsibilities.

 

I've seen men and women go through MLCs and some make it through the storm with a stronger marriage and some don't.

 

She needs individual counseling regardless.

 

It is perfectly understandable if you cannot stay open to the thought that this is like a mental illness she is going through. It could take a year or two.

 

Most people on LS will point out she's not the woman you married and you don't deserve to put up with this and you should kick her to the curb, etc. It is, perhaps, true in the immediate sense. But on the other hand, if this is like temporary insanity, you could avoid being the little quoted statistic of people that do divorce and 5 years later ultimately regretted it.

[No Limit]

I think she is in denial. I think she thinks she can separate from me but hold onto the family life she had. That includes me in the picture as the father with her by my side.

 

Exactly, and this is why you have to remain firm with your boundaries, especially with her. Watch the game - but do so on your own or with your buddies, not with her. Send her a text and cancel your get together with her. Mind you, in time it is very likely that she'll start giving you calls while crying and other stuff like this - ignore ignore ignore. It might sound cruel but it's actually the best for her too; she has to learn to stand on her own two feet as a soon-to-be single woman. You're not her caretaker.

 

The rest - I must say you're on a really good path. It's good that you've taken advise from people you knew and who had already gone through this mess.

[elaine567]

The key here is communication.

If you are truly moving on then tell her.

Tell her you are divorcing and tell her your plans to fix up and sell the house.

Say you do not want to watch football with her, tell her you had other plans.

Make provision for her to see the kids at specific times and tell her you do not want her hanging about with you.

 

She may come to her senses and either leave you in peace, with the marriage being over or she will start to fight to get you back.

Either way is better than the limbo you find yourself in.

[starglider]

ti,

 

I just read your initial post which went into more detail about your situation. Yes, I'd guess she had some sort of attachment (and EA or PA) that is probably over but it really rattled her, made her question everything.

 

Your story and mine are somewhat similar. Big life stressors and H and W became less close/less intimate in the M. In your case, you sound like much more responsible H than mine is (mine is a nice and sweet guy, but an addictive personality ... now a chronic pot smoker and I've been the one to support us financially as he stopped working when we moved to the country, complaining it was his back and/or depression). But in my case I did have an EA and that made me question everything in my life and my M. Looking back, I guess I have a pattern and a problem with EAs but this one was worse and very de-stabilizing to me, even though it is fully over.

 

 

I can relate to the paradox of your wife saying she feels that you fell out of love with her, even though she is the one who (perhaps) formed an attachment to someone else. I've said and felt the same way toward my H in MC, even though I know I'm the one who had the EA. He always tells me he loves me, but with our lack of intimacy and me feeling the burden of being the wage-earner, I don't feel he loves me. His actions don't make me feel loved and I don't know if that is my problem or his or both of ours. He forgives me for my EA and I'm truly grateful for this - I'm working on it a lot in IC too.

 

During our separation, my H is stepping up and has taken over running our business and is being quite strong, solid and mature in his behavior. He still is smoking a lot of pot and I wish he'd do IC, but it is a start and he tells me in a non-smothering way that he still loves me and hopes we work it out. Him behaving in a more masculine way by stepping up during separation helps, and me entering the feminine, domestic space has helped me too. I'm focused on being a good mom, working on myself, and and next step is restarting my consulting business which is our main source of money. We do well together in MC.

 

Tell your kids "Marriage is complicated" when they ask for details, but you are doing a good job navigating that aspect of this situation with your kids.

 

I do hope she gets IC.

[beach]

If you don't want to - then it's ok to tell her no.

 

No would send a clear message.

[ti994a]

Oh Gosh, yes she sounds like a mess and it sounds like she's going through a mid life crisis ... something conflict avoidant people are more prone to do. Also, if she has an "insecure attachment style" (needs to get her sense of self worth from others by being needed and helpful), this also makes her more vulnerable to a MLC.

 

Do you still love her? At least the woman she was before she moved out and told you she didn't love you? (That is classic MLC talk/behavior to make such a hurtful, detached statement, upturning your whole past history together by saying those words).

 

If you still love her and can rise above her poor, scattered behavior, there is hope ... if you want there to be. Keep doing the 180 and just keep standing, while also moving forward with your life responsibilities.

 

I've seen men and women go through MLCs and some make it through the storm with a stronger marriage and some don't.

 

She needs individual counseling regardless.

 

It is perfectly understandable if you cannot stay open to the thought that this is like a mental illness she is going through. It could take a year or two.

 

Most people on LS will point out she's not the woman you married and you don't deserve to put up with this and you should kick her to the curb, etc. It is, perhaps, true in the immediate sense. But on the other hand, if this is like temporary insanity, you could avoid being the little quoted statistic of people that do divorce and 5 years later ultimately regretted it.

 

Wow. Thank your for your post. Yes, I love her. I guess I need to search my soul and figure out what I need to do. I will continue 180 and moving forward.

[ti994a]

If you don't want to - then it's ok to tell her no.

 

No would send a clear message.

 

I think this time I will just be absent. She will get a big surprise when she comes home as I have changed the house. There are no pictures of her on any wall. I have moved furniture and appliances. That was a great 180. We lived in this house for 24 years and I wanted to make those changes! It was a good step forward. Will see if she gets the hint. If she doesnt I will have to be forceful.

[ti994a]

The key here is communication.

If you are truly moving on then tell her.

Tell her you are divorcing and tell her your plans to fix up and sell the house.

Say you do not want to watch football with her, tell her you had other plans.

Make provision for her to see the kids at specific times and tell her you do not want her hanging about with you.

 

She may come to her senses and either leave you in peace, with the marriage being over or she will start to fight to get you back.

Either way is better than the limbo you find yourself in.

 

Yes, I do believe everything you say will need to be done. I just don't think now. I need some space right now to think and find my feelings. I will make myself less available. If she comes I will not be in the house. I will not give her a reason to believe that Separation Co habitation is workable. I will continue to get legal advice and preparing the house for sale. At some point I will be ready to move on without her. When that day comes she may well be surprised. Who knows

[ti994a]

Exactly, and this is why you have to remain firm with your boundaries, especially with her. Watch the game - but do so on your own or with your buddies, not with her. Send her a text and cancel your get together with her. Mind you, in time it is very likely that she'll start giving you calls while crying and other stuff like this - ignore ignore ignore. It might sound cruel but it's actually the best for her too; she has to learn to stand on her own two feet as a soon-to-be single woman. You're not her caretaker.

 

The rest - I must say you're on a really good path. It's good that you've taken advise from people you knew and who had already gone through this

mess.

 

 

Hey thank you. I believe your advise is sound and for now I think that is the way I go. 180. I will remove myself from her life. All she will find is a changing husband that is moving on without her. At this time it is hard for me to imagine her ever coming back and crying. She is stubborn. I do believe though someday she may regret some of the actions she took here. That is her loss.

[ti994a]

ti,

 

I just read your initial post which went into more detail about your situation. Yes, I'd guess she had some sort of attachment (and EA or PA) that is probably over but it really rattled her, made her question everything.

 

Your story and mine are somewhat similar. Big life stressors and H and W became less close/less intimate in the M. In your case, you sound like much more responsible H than mine is (mine is a nice and sweet guy, but an addictive personality ... now a chronic pot smoker and I've been the one to support us financially as he stopped working when we moved to the country, complaining it was his back and/or depression). But in my case I did have an EA and that made me question everything in my life and my M. Looking back, I guess I have a pattern and a problem with EAs but this one was worse and very de-stabilizing to me, even though it is fully over.

 

 

I can relate to the paradox of your wife saying she feels that you fell out of love with her, even though she is the one who (perhaps) formed an attachment to someone else. I've said and felt the same way toward my H in MC, even though I know I'm the one who had the EA. He always tells me he loves me, but with our lack of intimacy and me feeling the burden of being the wage-earner, I don't feel he loves me. His actions don't make me feel loved and I don't know if that is my problem or his or both of ours. He forgives me for my EA and I'm truly grateful for this - I'm working on it a lot in IC too.

 

During our separation, my H is stepping up and has taken over running our business and is being quite strong, solid and mature in his behavior. He still is smoking a lot of pot and I wish he'd do IC, but it is a start and he tells me in a non-smothering way that he still loves me and hopes we work it out. Him behaving in a more masculine way by stepping up during separation helps, and me entering the feminine, domestic space has helped me too. I'm focused on being a good mom, working on myself, and and next step is restarting my consulting business which is our main source of money. We do well together in MC.

 

Tell your kids "Marriage is complicated" when they ask for details, but you are doing a good job navigating that aspect of this situation with your kids.

 

I do hope she gets IC.

 

Thank you and good luck on your journey. I hope she realizes that the kids arent being fooled by this. They ask me more pointed ADULT questions everyday (they are 17 and 22). She is damaging her relationship with them. They will not trust her. That actually breaks my heart. It really does.

[whichwayisup]

She wanted out and she can't expect you to embrace being friends and friendly. TELL her to stop being so nice and offering to do things for you. She is doing this for her own benefit, she is NOT thinking of you, your pain and what you can/can't handle. She wants the best of both worlds here, an ex H who she can hang out with and be buddies. No way. Tell her to stop hanging out like this and to please respect that you aren't interested in being friends.

 

Being on GOOD TERMS because of the kids is okay as mom/dad, but not anything else.