I can't go on.

[broken80]

I'll say thank you in advance if you are willing to stay with me and read through all of this.

 

Until a month ago I was happily married with 4 of the world's most perfect children. Ages 10, 9, 6 & 5. We would have been together 13 years this August. We are both 34 years old. We oddly enough never had a fight, argument or bad word to each other.

Late April, my wife and I had an argument and she went out to a pub with friends I've never met. At 5pm she text me saying she was leaving soon. She proceeded to turn off her mobile data so she could not be contacted her found (something she's NEVER done before)

 

She text me at 8am saying she's "stuffed up" and came home at 2:30pm the next day, only to be home by the time kids got home from school.

 

She refused to talk to me when she got home, all she ever said to any questions about where she was or who was she with or why her mobile data went off was "I don't know".

 

Problems continued for the next few weeks and I learned she was talking daily to a man and removing all evidence of the phone calls, text messages and face book private messages.

 

She admitted to me she was emotionally connected to this man (6 years her senior, divorced twice and 2 kids of his own he sees once a week)

 

She wanted space so I offered to leave our house for 3 months and lie to the kids saying I was going interstate on business to give her time and space, she refused this offer. Instead I willingly gave her my credit card and put her in a hotel in the city for 4 days. I did this not to throw money at her, but for her to pay for accommodation and food. She ended up doing that plus went on a bit of a shopping spree, cloths and jewelry. On the day of her return she was meant to talk to me but she wasn't ready. The day she came back she went to leave to the countryside again and I told her this time take the kids as they hadn't seen her for 4 days, she wasn't keen on it but did.

 

She went to her mothers in the country and stayed there for another 4 days. Her mother and the kids told me she basically dumped them there and was always drunk and went out every night without coming home to the next day.

 

I was very depressed already and put something depressing up on facebook which she saw, once she saw it, she ended our marriage via a text message.

 

She came home on a Sunday, May 31st with the kids, dropped them off, gave them a kiss on the head and said she was going for a drive and left.

 

She'd organized a house with her new partner, the guy she's been cheating on me with for the past couple months.

She literally left everything, me, the kids, her cloths, possessions, literally everything! Over the next few weeks she came back to get bits and bots (little furniture and cloths) but that's it.

 

She's asked to see the kids twice a week on school days and one weekend day (no sleepovers). The kids have seen her walk out and no longer want her as they are confused and heartbroken.

She's told our eldest:

She doesn't love daddy

She loves her new boyfrinend

She is sleeping with her new boyfriend

Her new boyfriend is her 'soulmate'

This is too much for a 10y/o to comprehend.

 

She's given me feedback, very aggressively, saying that I never listened to her or helped enough around the house (something I will admit I can be guilty of) But surely that doesnt equal this result?

 

She's been drinking very heavily for a year or so now and when the kids do go around they say she just places them in a room to play and spends zero time with them just sits outside with her new partner drinking and smoking.

 

She's associated herself with a brand new group of friends, she's cut EVERYONE out of her life. Me, kids, parents, friends, school parents, literally everyone. The correlation of all these new friends shes been with the past few months is one thing, they are ALL divorced. Hence I'm concerned with the advise they keep putting in her head.

 

When I tell her that I'm doing all the cleaning, cooking, school drop offs and pick ups, her response is "I DID THAT FOR 10 YEARS! I understand that, but how can someone just walk from it?

I asked her why him, she replied "He lives the life I want to live"

Due to all this I also lost my job, 6 years corporate banking and am now on government benefits as a full time father of 4.

 

None of this makes sense to me. Every one I've spoke to says when a woman stops loving a man, the FIRST thing she does is fight for the kids, she's showing no interest in anything other than this new man and updating her facebook with cryptic messages like changing marital status from married to it's complicated and posting pictures of her out with him hugging and drinking and dancing, when all her friends know she's cheating on me and left the kids.

 

This doesn't feel like her, she was a good person and a good mother, I don't understand how shes almost ovbernight wiped her entire life and starting a new one. My money was on mental breakdown or mid life crisis, I can't figure any of this out

Appreciate any advice from anyone.

[DivorcedDad123]

Are you in the U.S.?

[No Limit]

You aren't the only husband whose wife left to enjoy the "funny affair fantasyland" out there. It is also very very likely one of those friends set her up, but nonetheless it was her choice alone.

 

Time to stand up for yourself - get a divorce and get custody (in your situation, a very easy task). Document everything as well, when she's at home - and when she's not, it'll help you in court. She could care less about you, her family or her kids. She's involved with a very toxic and unstable group of people and don't you let your kids be near them, ever.

 

The "feedback" you've received from her was her desperate attempt to convince herself that it's all true, yet it's just cheater textbook. Don't listen to what she says, and should she start getting worked up give her the number of a good counselor and kikc her out the door.

[aloneinaz]

You need to get a lawyer and proceed with divorce paperwork. You're number one goal is to protect yourself and your children. She abandoned you and the kids. Get that on record. Again, have YOUR and the kids best interest in mind.

 

 

I'm not sure anyone can figure out what's in her head. It appears you both married very young. Often times, marriages don't work out due to one or the other not sowing their oats enough while single. They don't have enough experiences with the opposite sex. They then have kids, get deep into a marriage and wonder "what if this is as good as it gets"? She's having an early mid life crisis.

 

 

Either way, you need to focus on moving forward. How could that marriage possibly work again after this? It's horrible and painful, I know. Protect yourself now. Get legal advice ASAP before she does and then tries to stick it to you.

[whichwayisup]

I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

Your wife isn't the woman you married, she's broken too.

 

She wants a new life with another man, she's made it happen too on the expense of you and the kids.

 

File for divorce, this is the kindest thing you can do for yourself because she's made it clear she doesn't want to be married or be a full time mom to your kids.

 

It's so sad and one day she may regret herself decision to do this but right now this is what she wants and there's no point in trying to fight for a marriage she doesn't want.

 

Love your kids, do family counseling to help them cope and adjust with all the changes. Let them know they can see their mom whenever they want and they do not have to be around her new boyfriend... Your (ex) wife has NO right to force them to spend time around him, that's mean and cruel and confusing for them too.

[Arieswoman]

broken80,

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Probably you feel that the rug has been pulled out from under your feet and you feel adrift?

 

Please take control of this situation for the sake of your kids. See a lawyer/solicitor and get advice as to how you proceed with a divorce. Then do it.

 

Do not beg, plead or try to reason with your wife or try to get her to "see sense". She's made it quite clear that non of you are her first priority. Her head so so far up her @r$e she can't see daylight. Spend your energy on loving and protecting your kids.

 

Good luck. x

[RJays7]

I can't imagine the shock you must be going through after such an extreme and sudden change. The most important thing for you right now is to focus on your children and making sure they know how loved they are. Don't try to find a reason why this happened, just get yourself and kids into some type of counseling as soon as possible. It will help with the healing process and maybe give you closure. Another important thing for you and your kids would be to forgive her for her actions. It doesn't do anyone any good to hold on to the anger and will only steal your happiness as times goes by. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

 

RJays7

[hl1962]

Stop looking at her facebook, text/phone records, ... Be strong for your kids. Once you have young children, your life isn't just yours anymore that you can do whatever with it. Take good care of yourself!

[broken80]

What I'm going to say next might sound crazy. This simply isn't her. She's a good person. I believe there's a correlation of why this happened this year.

This year was the year our youngest child started prep. She's been a stay at home mum for 10 years and all of a sudden this year all children are out of the house. She's relasied that this is her future for the next 10+ years and snapped.

She was always a stay at home mum, had a part time job working 2 days a week but was sacked for arriving to work at 10am smelling of alcohol (from nights out the prior night to anywhere from 1am-5am) and always being on her phone (texting her boyfriend)

But she always loved her children and she loved, she adored me. She worked hard at home and always had time for family, just over the past 6 months it slipped.

I want her back more than anything. I'm scared she's being brainwashed, similar to a stockhold syndrome scenario.

We didn't have atypical marriage, we were always in love with each other and did everything together. I don't want a divorce, i don't want it to end, I just want her to realize what she's done. She loves me, i know it, but she's confused.

[broken80]

Are you in the U.S.?

 

I'm in Australia

[oldshirt]

She's not confused, she knows what she's doing and knows the ramifications. she's doing it anyway. This is bad behavior and bad character. She may also be an alcoholic. Alcoholics brains do not work right. she is broken. She is toxic. You have to get away from her and keep your kids away from her or she'll bring you all down with her. I am sorry this has happened to you.

[lgspot]

She's not confused, she knows what she's doing and knows the ramifications. she's doing it anyway. This is bad behavior and bad character. She may also be an alcoholic. Alcoholics brains do not work right. she is broken. She is toxic. You have to get away from her and keep your kids away from her or she'll bring you all down with her. I am sorry this has happened to you.

broken80,

This is a harsh post, but completely accurate.

Her brain is not working right and she is not the woman you have known.

Please take care of your kids and yourself.

They need a healthy and sober parent.

I too am sorry this has happened to you.

[S_A]

Sounds like she is very immature. I mean an affair is one thing, but it's like she resents you (judging how she's gone about all of it) or sees you as an enemy. While I'd guess that there maybe something you're leaving out about yourself that may have helped pushed her to this point, the fact that she dropped her kids like nothing and said ehat she said to the 10 year old suggests she is a nut job.

 

I am sorry, but even if she begged for you to take her back, you have to give her the finger (based on what she did to the kids alone). So try to get over her. Taking her back is no option. Wouldn't trust her with the kids tbh. The problem is if you have daughters though. They need a mom during their teens when they go through "changes". Really sad.

[Yasuandio]

The smartest thing you can do (and the least selfish), is to give her exactly what she ask for, that is, if you really love her.

 

JUST DO IT. Give her what she wants freely. Let her hit rock bottom. No more making excuses for her pee-poor conduct.

 

I recomment reading the 3-sentence method (or listening to the free taped versions), by Homer McDonald in his interviews. You can find the link to this material in the Pinned Thread in our Separation & Divorce Forum, at the top, called "Critical Readings for Separation and Divorce." There are many other useful contributions there to keep your mind busy.

 

But attempting to "nice-nice" up to this conduct will backfire. You must do an immediat "about-face." That's it. Get an attorney and file ASAP while she is on a roll - and collect all evidence, or you might end up a big loser.

 

Look at it this way - it is a win-win. She will respect you for this, whether she comes to here senses or not. If you continue on the path you are on, she will have NO RESPECT for you, as per this demonstration thus far. Respect (divorce or no divorce) is better than No Respect when there is a family to raise. Yas

[whichwayisup]

What I'm going to say next might sound crazy. This simply isn't her. She's a good person. I believe there's a correlation of why this happened this year.

This year was the year our youngest child started prep. She's been a stay at home mum for 10 years and all of a sudden this year all children are out of the house. She's relasied that this is her future for the next 10+ years and snapped.

She was always a stay at home mum, had a part time job working 2 days a week but was sacked for arriving to work at 10am smelling of alcohol (from nights out the prior night to anywhere from 1am-5am) and always being on her phone (texting her boyfriend)

But she always loved her children and she loved, she adored me. She worked hard at home and always had time for family, just over the past 6 months it slipped.

I want her back more than anything. I'm scared she's being brainwashed, similar to a stockhold syndrome scenario.

We didn't have atypical marriage, we were always in love with each other and did everything together. I don't want a divorce, i don't want it to end, I just want her to realize what she's done. She loves me, i know it, but she's confused.

 

Nothing will change until she suffers consequences. Until she loses you and all that she knows and loves. You don't have to actually divorce, but DO file and separate and cut her out of your life (only speak to her about kid/house issues) so she can see what life will be like without you in it. If she ever wakes up and shows genuine remorse, fights hard to get you back, then you (might) consider dating her again and going to marriage counseling. Right now there's nothing to fight for as she doesn't want to save the marriage.

 

Sadly, she really may be done. Maybe she just fell for someone else and wants a new life. It happens...As painful as this is for you right now this is your reality. It sucks, it's awful and your life has been turned upside.. Not what you thought would ever happen.

[No Limit]

The straying wife I mentioned in my first post in this thread was known as very responsible woman for all her life. Until she too "snapped", and she wasn't even a stay-at-home-mom. Your wife WAS a good person, but people change. Again, take up the reins, it's the only way to prevent the children from being harmed.

[irishguy]

Its time for you to protect your kids ,talk to a lawyer about full custody and child support ,and start the divorce . You can always stop the divorce if your wife does enough to earn another chance .But at the moment she wants to be free and single so dont be waiting for her to come back because she wont .I know your in shock about everything but you really need to listen to advice on here , they will help you do right by yourself and your kids.And time to get your finances under control , you have a family to look after , you cant be financing an alco, cancel any cards linked to you .

[elaine567]

I guess alone at home with 4 kids for 10 years, she felt she was a prisoner, she was trapped. She, I guess felt she was in a dreadful situation, held hostage by "love" and the pressure to be a "good mom". Some women can go stir crazy in that situation and I guess she was one.

 

Kids out of the house, youngest child started prep, she tasted freedom, freedom she hasn't had for 10 long, tiring years.

She starts an affair and sees a new life ahead, she now sees the opportunity to ditch the kids and be free to do what she has been denied doing for so long - being herself.

 

However, she is probably now conflicted, hence the drinking she has probably "hated" you and the kids for trapping her for so long, and is so happy she is now free, but she is still attached, maybe feels guilty, maybe feels a bit upset and is therefore having difficulty processing those feelings.

Unhappy women tend to turn to drink.

[aloneinaz]

I guess alone at home with 4 kids for 10 years, she felt she was a prisoner, she was trapped. She, I guess felt she was in a dreadful situation, held hostage by "love" and the pressure to be a "good mom". Some women can go stir crazy in that situation and I guess she was one.

 

Kids out of the house, youngest child started prep, she tasted freedom, freedom she hasn't had for 10 long, tiring years.

She starts an affair and sees a new life ahead, she now sees the opportunity to ditch the kids and be free to do what she has been denied doing for so long - being herself.

 

However, she is probably now conflicted, hence the drinking she has probably "hated" you and the kids for trapping her for so long, and is so happy she is now free, but she is still attached, maybe feels guilty, maybe feels a bit upset and is therefore having difficulty processing those feelings.

Unhappy women tend to turn to drink.

 

 

I remember watching something about all the mothers who were stay at home mothers after WWII and Korea. The husbands were gone working and they had the job of managing the house and kids. So many were depressed and miserable that alcoholism in stay at home Moms skyrocketed. Then, in the late 50's and early 60's, Valium was introduced and was called "Mommas little helpers".. It was a smashing success for this house wife's and many became addicts.

 

 

I've always really respected stay at home mothers who manage the house and kids while the husband works. Lord knows they are massively un-appreciated. I think the ones who are happy and comfortable w/that life do a great job of having many social outlets w/other moms, clubs and activities to get them and their kids out of the house.

[Mr. Goodguy]

Hey Buddy,

 

I am with you right now my nightmare started last October when I found out my wife was cheating and then the nightmare turned hellish after I thought we were working through it and she met someone else. Moved out of the house and left me and the kids. She is 43 he is 25. I am still in just as much shock as I am hurt because of what my mate and best friend of 25 years did to me and how she did it was unthinkable. What she did and how she is acting is almost identical to what you are going through.

 

I know this is still early and is still painful but everyone on here is right you need to understand something right now:

You want her but she wants something else. Period.

She has become changed into something and she likes it. Anyone trying to stop the way she feels is the enemy.

The more you let her know you want her the less attractive you become.

You have to take off the rose colored glasses and say this hurts but the only thing I can do now is be real and move on. Easier said then done but you can do it. You dont have a chance until she sees that you are done with her and the she may still never come back.

Here is the bottom line. If she did come back do you think you could ever trust her again? No. Unless she has a serious serious paradigm shift in thinking this is who she is going to be for a long time. This happened now for a reason it is time to start figuring out why that is and how you can become better for you and your kids. If she really thinks she is happy over there why not just let her go. If she is happy let her go. There is a whole world out there of better people then her. You dont want this person back in your life after what she has done and what she is doing right now. Its ok to be hurt but once you move on and focus on the right thing it will get a bit easier everyday. I am experiencing it right now. You will be fine but take of the glasses and be real with yourself now.

Better now then 5 years from now. Right?