The view from the other side

[ChicagoSparty]

Understandably, this page is filled with a lot of anguish and confusion. Life for so many of us has, often abruptly, gone into a seismic upheaval, and regardless of which side of the break-up you're on, it is often a dark and hopeless time.

 

That's why, I think, a lot of us who have undertaken that journey continue to post here long after the fact...it is incumbent on us to first of all be there and be supportive, but also to serve as proof that life enventually does go on. So many of us can identify with acuity the struggle than many of you are either just beginning or possibly mired in. So many of your stories and so much of your pain resonates in our hearts.

 

But here's the thing....as unlikely as it might seem to you in the moment: it gets better.

 

In my case...well, I'm not going to rehash my entire story. If you want to know, feel free to ask. But it's not relevant here, other than to say that it ended very badly. 3 kids, long separation, giant messy roller coaster...the works.

 

The thing I remember the most vividly is that feeling that life, as I knew it, was over. There were bright, sunny days that felt like molten steel pouring over me. Family was lost. Identity was lost. Purpose was lost. I felt like that old, beat up, nasty avocado at the market that everybody pushed out of the way to get to the good ones, and that my fate was to sit there unwanted and further rot until I ended up in the garbage.

 

We separated 5 years ago, and divorced (I think) 2 years ago. I will tell you all right now, with the life that I now live, that I would go through that struggle again 10x to have what I have now. My day to day existence is so much more rewarding, so much more free, so much more interesting and fun and exciting than in my marriage. Most importantly, it is now my life, one that is authentic to me. One that I belong to.

 

And my XW....well, I can't speak for her, but she's in what looks like a really good relationship with a really good guy, and her life seems more authentic to her as well.

 

In other words, it worked out. Everybody is OK. No, actually...everybody is good. And it will be good for you guys as well...eventually. Just be patient. Embrace your emotions, your struggle, your pain and lonliness. Learn to live with them. Don't hide from anything. Confront the way you feel and defeat it.let yourself cry. Let yourself hurt. You WILL be OK...probably even better thn OK...eventually. Build yourself. Build your strength and resilience. The dividends that you earn will be immense.

 

And probably the most important thing you can do is just let it go. We try to salvage the unsalvageable. Resuscitate the already dead. With very, very few exceptions, once the process starts, it's irreversible. Let it go. The sooner the better. It's so hard to do, but so necessary. Let it go.

 

It gets a lot better. Good luck.

[jakrbbt]

Thanks for this, and a question:

 

It seems like the (few) people who post about how it gets better, often talk about being lonely and lost during the divorce and then finding companionship and no longer being lonely.

 

While that's valid, I want to know whether it gets better for another kind of common divorce problem: The torn-apart finances, logistics, parenting-times involved in divorces with children. Or a spouse who either abused or exploited rather than cheated or left. In other words, not just the loss of relationship, but the legal battle and scary custody/coparenting stuff . . . Does life get better there, too??? Those of us experiencing the problems in this paragraph feel like our lives are "over" too, but not because no one will ever date/marry us. More, because our jobs and kids, our finances, have suffered, and then how on earth does one forge a "new" life without the problematic co-parent ex?

 

OP or anyone else: Does the shock and threat of a high-conflict divorce go away, and get replaced by a more or less normal life?

[ChicagoSparty]

Of course it gets better....if you want it to.

 

Will there be struggles? Absolutely. But, as with all facets of divorce, it's about adjustment: prioritizing, accepting, working to change things, recalibrating. A lot of people, for whatever reason, can't let go of the drama and attachment to the other person. So they hang onto the resentment, the anger, the betrayal, and just continue to put themselves into positions where they are continuously having confrontations and interactions with their ex, thus adding fuel to the fire and keeping it burning and alive. They also tie finances, kids and other external things into that....always setting up a confrontation.

 

It's all about just letting go. People don't want to, then they wonder why they can't move on. That's like cleaning up dog crap with your bare hands and then walking ariund complaining because your hands smell like crap. Just go to the sink and wash them!

 

So, we just let go and adjust to the new reality. Stop idealizing and old life. Sure, there will be struggles. But if you wash your heart and mind, let go of everything, it gets better.

 

In my case, due to being asleep at the wheel during separation, my kids love 4 hours away in another state. I go back to see them all the time, it's a huge pain, and for awhile I let it bother me. But then I accepted that it was the way it was going to be, and I stopped worrying about how it affected me, and just concentrated on how much fun the kids and I had together and appreciated them and our time together.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP or anyone else: Does the shock and threat of a high-conflict divorce go away, and get replaced by a more or less normal life?

 

It does but you have to be patient enough to wait out a difficult ex-spouse.

 

As I recounted in your thread, my ex played every neurotic trick in the book - absconded with every stick of furniture and possession we owned, stiffed me on days/times I was supposed to pick up my son, dropped him off unannounced on what were supposed to be her custodial days, etc. All I did was grit my teeth and made sure my house was in order - every check on time, every appointment kept and every interaction as short and neutral as I could make it.

 

Eventually, she got tired of the drama, met someone else and we settled into a working routine. Had I played the escalation game (complete with lawyers and police) with her, would have turned out very differently.

 

Have to think long-term with an end goal in mind. Any other approach can be crazy-making...

 

Mr. Lucky