Sad & Lost.

[bradybrady]

Hi all,

 

I'm going through the toughest time in my life right now and am hoping for some advice/words of wisdom from those who have been there.

 

My wife and I have been married for 8 years, during which time we both had devastating personal things happen with our families (divorce, addiction, death, infidelity). We both went though pretty intense bouts of depression (mine lasted a lot longer and I already suffer from an anxiety disorder). The last 2 years were especially difficult and we were really just going through the motions (it was all i could manage to get through the day to be honest).

 

At the beginning of the year, she told me she wanted to separate. I was devastated but agreed that we needed to work on our relationship and we decided to start therapy during the separation. 3 months into therapy she told me she did not want to reconcile and wanted a divorce. My whole world fell apart. Then, as I was starting to deal with that, I found out that she was in a relationship with one of her close friends. I don't know how long the relationship had been going on but i suspect for a while. They are still together.

 

The relationship started before we ended therapy and before she filed for divorce. The problem is that I am still very much in love with her and am experiencing strong emotional and physical pain as a result. For a while I wasn't able to eat without throwing up, barely slept and was basically a total mess.

 

I obsess about what the two of them are doing together and wonder how she could be able to move on from an 8 year relationship so quickly. Or whether she hasn't really dealt with the emotions and is using this relationship as a distraction.

 

Despite the fact that I rationally know it's over, i still hope that she will realize that she made a mistake and come back.

 

I'm in therapy at the moment and have really been trying to look at what I did to contribute to the failure of our marriage and also see things from her perspective. I'm trying to have little to no contact with her which is also incredibly hard as she is my best friend.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How were you able to move on and focus on yourself and your own life?

 

I keep hoping that she will break up with this new guy but I know that isn't a healthy way to think and even if she did, we are probably not right for each other.

 

I just feel like I've lost a big part of my life and myself, and it hurts every time i think about it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[LoveMyCat]

She did not leave you a choice about moving ahead with your own life; she has done just that and you have to do the same. Waiting for the other person to repent and/or come back is fruitless, a waste of much-needed energy. So is imagining her and her new partner. You probably know that on some level, doing something about it is another story.

 

Keep going to therapy, but make sure your therapist is helping you move forward and not spending too much time on the past. Sometimes the answers just are not there. She wanted to leave due to another man, that is the bottom line. When that happens, it is not useful to focus too much or too long on what you did "wrong" in the relationship. Chances are her feelings for this friend led to her wanting to separate in the first place, even if she denies it.

 

Get or work on hobbies ,exercise, eat well, try to make new friends or see more of old ones (but don't just talk about the failure of the marriage or people will tire of that quickly.) Take a course, look for a better job, whatever you can do to change things up for yourself, or get a pet. Just do things for self-improvement or even just for enjoyment. Good luck. You need to make an effort, but most of us have been through it and you can get through it as well.

[No Limit]

Continue therapy, and stick to strict NC (= no contact). Divorce stuff can be handled by your divorce lawyer so you needn't talk to her ever again. Your STBXW is no prize anymore since she's obviously very capable of betraying those she claims to love, doesn't matter what happened before in the time you were together. Whenever you start thinking of what they might be doing, shut those thoughts down. Also, I hope you two aren't living together anymore, right?

 

Don't dwell on the past, the woman you loved is dead. Move on - and should she ever contact you in the future, block her. No contact means absolute no contact.

[KBarletta]

Hello bradybrady, welcome to LS. I have been there, yes, as have many others here, so you will find good advice and commiseration here if you stick around and keep posting. I am sorry to hear you are in this mess.

 

I experienced a very similar situation to yours last fall. My wife and I have been together 10 years, married for 7, and she left out of the blue. She may or may not be with someone else at this point, but I have tried not to pay attention to that. I would advise you to do the same.

 

From what you wrote it sounds like you do not have children, right? In that case, I would advise you to cut all contact with her, focus on yourself and your own healing, and work hard on rebuilding your life without her. She has told you she wants to move on. Your *only* good move is to let her, and to do the same. It's hard, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other every day until you get through the hard part. It's the only way. Keep going to therapy, focus on things you always wanted to do, things that you love, spend time with friends and family, hobbies, travel, work, whatever takes your mind off of wondering what is going on with her.

 

Maybe she will come back some day, maybe she wont. You can't worry or care about that anymore. That's not up to you and even if it was, you already said you aren't sure it would work. So stop worrying about it. If you're in touch with her and her friends and family on social media, block them. Block her number, don't call, don't write, don't drive by. Disappear.

 

For now and for the foreseeable future, focus on you and you alone and you will get through this.

 

PS. If she wants a divorce, I'd advise you to file and take control of the process. You can always change your mind, but it does help to gain some control of the process by filing, IMO.

[GoBlue]

I am very sorry for the pain and heartache that you are going through. I understand exactly what you are describing as I went through it six years ago. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, felt like every day I lived took a full year to get through. Hope for the future was lost because all I could do was look backward and hope I would wake up from a bad dream. MY wife also found strength in the arms of another - emboldened to file for divorce and turn her back on me. It was the worse pain I have ever had to endure because I knew deep in my heart that it didn't have to end up there. If I would have just appreciated what I had and invested into my wife, the other guy would have had no chance. Unfortunately, you can't go backwards in this life all you can do is move forward and make better choices.

 

I am glad to hear that you are going to therapy. Having a support system of some kind is very beneficial to the healing process. Do you have a church or a Pastor you can lean on as well? I highly recommend finding a Divorce Recovery Group - it was the single best decision I made at that time. I also recommend a book titled Get Out of that Pit by Beth Moore. Although it's easy to do, "obsessing" about your ex-wife is not going to help as you move forward. She has made her decision and as an act of your will you can change your thought patterns. I just want you to know that you can make it through this. It may seem like time is at a standstill but it will start speeding up and get back to normal sooner than you expect. Please know that my thoughts and my prayers are with you. Be blessed.

[Mr. Lucky]

We both went though pretty intense bouts of depression (mine lasted a lot longer and I already suffer from an anxiety disorder).

 

I think you have to separate the challenges - divorce and mental illness - as they have a tendency to feed off each other.

 

Very important you do everything you can - therapy, diet, exercise, lifestyle - to get and stay healthy. Keep posting, lots of support and good advice here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bradybrady]

Hi all,

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share your thoughts. I appreciate it so so much.

 

Rationally, I do know all the right things to do... and i am doing most of them: keeping busy with work, friends, hobbies, etc. It's in the quiet moments (at the beginning and end of the day) that the pain is the worst, and made worse by the fact that I believe she isn't even thinking of me and our relationship at all.

 

The hardest part for me has been not looking at social media. While I have blocked her, I can still see updates through mutual friends or can look at her profiles if i really want to. It's so painful to see her having fun with this new guy, seemingly without a care in the world. I know I have to force myself to stop looking but it's almost a compulsion at this point. I still have unanswered questions about when their relationship started, but i have to find a way to make peace with the fact that I will never know for sure.

 

I have to truly accept that she has moved on and does not care. It's just difficult having spent a huge portion of your life with someone to believe that they can drop you, replace you and feel completely fine. She's not a bad person, but the way she has behaved throughout our separation is so hurtful, insensitive and oblivious to my feelings.

 

the woman you loved is dead.

This is so true. The person I fell in love with and married no longer exists, and that's a shame because she was a wonderful person.

 

It's very difficult for me to envision a future for myself at the moment, either alone or with someone else. I think that's going to take a very long time.

 

It means a lot to know that other people have gone through the same feelings and come out ok (as horrible as that sounds... I wouldn't wish this on anyone). And to know that I can come here and vent my feelings.

 

Hopefully in the future I'll be able to provide some guidance and support rather than just taking it.

 

Thanks again.

[Mr. Lucky]

One of the hardest things I had to learn during my divorce was to give myself permission to suffer. Since my xW cheated on me, friends and family thought I should just flip the switch to "hate" and move on. Didn't work that way, at least for me.

 

You've suffered a loss, it's OK to grieve. Spend some time reflecting and thinking about what had been. Only you know when you're ready to turn your gaze forward and take the next step, different for everyone...

 

Mr. Lucky