Contact during separation - what's acceptable

[Clueless53]

My wife and I just began our trial separation 4 days ago. We have been having problems but we were attempting to work through them. Four months ago my wife found out I was texting another woman. Due to the circumstances we both agreed that it was an emotional affair. At first I had trouble accepting that, I met her through a random text chat app, she lived over 2,000 miles away, conversations were never more then pleasantries (hobbies, interests, etc) nothing sexual, and the entire time frame of the conversation was 4 days before discovered. My wife's issue was that we had shared pictures of ourselves and she called me handsome and I told her she was gorgeous. I didn't understand her feeling then but do now.

 

Although we have been seeing a MC I will admit not much has changed. I didn't really change my actions around the house or towards her so our problems continued. Because of this my wife told me she wanted to officially start a trial separation. This completely caught me off guard. Since that day I have been out of the house and have been doing everything I shouldn't. The first day I tried to be overly romantic and my gestures were rejected. I understand why.

 

She told me she needs some time to think about where we are and where we are going. She says she needs to figure things out. I understand, as best as I can, and I'm trying to give her the space she requests.

 

Last night we discussed some guidelines for our separation, length of separation, finances (an issue since I have been unemployed and a full time student for the last year), visitation with the kids, dating each other (which she wants), and contact limits.

 

I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being a complete wreck the last four days, I am constantly thinking about her, how much I miss her, how I wish I could tell her, things I could do to win her back, and have been fighting the urge to contact her. But, after talking with her last night I actually felt good about where we are.

 

Everything was good today, I was getting through my day without emotional distractions. I was even trying to plan our first date. But then she kept texting me.

 

We have two kids, 10 and 4, so things will come up that will need to be discussed between us, but I fail to properly handle them when they do. For the first couple of texts I was good I answered her question but did not ask any of my own and that was all. Then she set me up for failure, she asked me when my graduation date was, when I asked why I was told she wanted to take the kids on vacation to see her family, 1000 miles away, but wanted to make sure that her and the kids would be here when I graduated. I was crushed, we are only a few days into a trial separation and she is planing a vacation without me 2 months from now. I broke the rule and called her, bad idea.

 

Fast forward a few hours, I apologized for contacting her at work regarding the vacation situation and she thanked me. I finally did something right!!!!!

 

A little bit later I asked her about getting some money from her to last me until she got paid again, remember I have 0 income since I'm finishing school. I never got a response from her. I was OK with that and didn't push because I wanted to give her space. Time went by and I was busy at my internship (I'm in paramedic school), and the next thing I knew it was 9pm, three hours after my last text. We had decided no contact after 9pm so I was bummed that I missed my chance to tell my kids good night but didn't want to invade on her space.

 

A few minutes later I got a text from her asking if I could come by the house and go to the store for her and while I was doing that I could get some cash from the ATM.

 

I didn't know how to respond, I wanted to get money for myself and help her, but I was also afraid of wanting to talk. I also didn't know if I should go to the store for her because I don't want her to think I'll do anything she asks.

 

I decided to go to the house, I ran to the store for her and got money for myself, but I opened my mouth again. I told her I am really trying to give her space but she is setting me up for failure. I told her I understand her wanting to take the kids on vacation to see family but thought she should have waited to say something to me about it when she would have been able to talk if I had questions. I also told her that I didn't like that she waited 3 hours to reply to my text about getting some money and felt she only contacted me because she needed something from me. And guess what, she got frustrated and mad that I keep trying to talk to her when she wants space.

 

Was I completely in the wrong for brining it up? I understand she needs space but considering we never talked about a separation and began one so abruptly shouldn't she understand that I am going to have some issues at first? I fear that we are only doing this so she can prepare for divorce, not so we can work on our marriage, but she keeps telling me she wants it to work.

 

I don't know how to handle all of this and any feeback, opinions, or advice is greatly appreciated.

[hl1962]

First of all, it seemed you didn't have much connection with your W, instead you were looking for that connection outside, when you should invest your free time in your W and kids. Think carefully, if you can bring that connection back. I gave her credit to forgive you. Do you know how much does she trust you?

 

Second, she didn't discuss the vacation with you because she doesn't feel close to you. Instead of accusing her, you need to understand that and learn to how to talk to convey your sadness/disappointment.

 

Third, why shouldn't you do anything for her if you love her? Like I told my kids, I'd do anything for them if I can.

 

Same with the money issue, you need to learn how to talk to convey the same message without sounds accusation. There's a "How to talk..." book, and you probably need help from a counsellor.

 

She texts you a lot. That's good. Sneak in some of the stuff you texted other ladies. I'd suggest you stop bringing up "needing space" part as long as you are executing it, depending on her mood. No, she didn't initiate separation abruptly. You were one foot out of the door by investing yourself in other ladies.

 

You need to be patient. When she doesn't need you, go to a gym. Looking fantastic in front of her, and smell good. Engaging with kids, as much as you can. Do whatever she wants you to do, and be as nice as you can, then leave. Always look happy.

 

Just my $.02. Good luck!