Beginning of our separation, I'm struggling!

[Clueless53]

This is my first forum post ever, her or any other site, on any topic let alone my marriage problems.

 

 

 

My W and I have been together for 10 years and married for 8 of them. We have two beautiful girls, 10 and 4 years old. Our marriage has too much history to try to explain in one post, it would be a novel when I was done. We have had our ups and downs and figured it to be typical, we don’t just say marriage is hard, we know it.

 

 

 

A little over a week ago the straw finally broke the camel’s back. My wife told me she didn’t feel like I wanted her and like an idiot I tried to defend my actions and explain why she was wrong instead of listening to her and comforting her. The night ended with no resolution and the fight continued to the next day. That’s when I did it, I made a statement out of anger that was the breaking point of everything. I told her “Whatever, give it a day or so and you’ll realize once again you are wrong and come crawling back to me!”

 

 

And now a week later I am staying at my father’s, away from my family. I am absolutely crushed and don’t know what to do.

 

 

I am now in the process of a trial separation. My wife wants time to reflect on our marriage and herself before any decisions are made. She tells me she wants our marriage to work but just doesn’t know if she has any fight left in her at this point. This was my instant wake up call, obviously it is impossible for me to prove overnight but I have 100% accepted what I have done wrong in our marriage. I have admitted to my faults and told her I will change. I also told her I will give her the time/space she needs to reflect on everything and prove to her I will do what it takes to be the husband she deserves.

 

 

 

I know that no one person is 100% to blame for problems in a marriage, but I now understand that I am at least responsible for 90% of them. Looking back at things I have been an awful husband. I left most of the responsibilities and burden of the household up to my wife. We would both come home from work exhausted, and while she would bust her butt to cook dinner, clean up, bathe the kids, and put them to bed, I would sit on the couch and watch TV. For years I have felt unhappy with our marriage. I haven’t felt loved or wanted but only needed for household duties or care of our kids. I see now that my actions towards my wife made her not want me and made it hard for her to love me. Feeling this rejection from her and being too stupid to realize that it was all my fault in the first place I have betrayed her twice during our marriage. Nothing physical happened, but 8 years ago I almost had a one night stand (no sex, plans for it that my wife discovered and stopped me before they could happen) and in February I was texting another woman I met in a random chap app for 4 days. Nothing sexual again, but emotional.

 

 

We started seeing counseling in March but admittedly until the recent separation I had not really acknowledged my faults or made any attempt to change.

 

 

My wife tells me there is still hope, our MC tells us there is still hope, however he is not aware of the separation since our last session was this past Sunday and Monday she asked for the separation. Our next session isn’t for 2 weeks, but we are considering moving it to a sooner date if possible.

 

 

I think I have read every article on the internet about what to do during a trial separation. I’ve read all the “how to win back my wife” articles. Last night we talked for almost two hours making a plan for our separation. As of now we will reevaluate in 3 months.

 

 

During this time my wife wants space and I can’t seem to get out of my own way. I started smothering her with I love yous and what I thought were thoughtful romantic gifts, I see now they were cheesy and childish.

 

 

 

This is where I need help.

 

• How do I give her the space she needs without giving too much space?
  

 

• How do I express my feelings for her?
  

o Because of our kids there is still a need for almost daily communication between us but I find myself saying things to her I even when I know I shouldn’t.

 

• I don’t know how to talk with her, I am very analytical and want specific guidelines and plans
  

o All this is doing is pushing her away

 

• How do I know when it’s okay to ask her out on a date?
  

I know she is going through a lot but I am absolutely miserable and lost.

 

 

 

Any advice I get at this point would be helpful.

[floridapad]

Let me start by saying that you seem to have everything figured out...intellectually. You are very Analytical as you said. One can analyze and see it all but be emotionally retarded.

 

First. Presumably you've done the work to look inside and feel things. Then tell her your feelings in ways you've never communicated before.

Second. SHUT UP. Listen to her and say absolutely nothing. Just listen. She may have nothing to say but don't push it. Analytical people want to fix stuff. Don't do it. That's the most important lesson . She wants to have a voice with out your analytics.

Third. Take what she says and look at only her side. There will be plenty of time for you down the road but for now she needs you to just listen. She wants you to feel her. Feel her heart. A woman's heart is precious, delicate and beautiful. You can't understand her heart by countering her comments. Feel them. The only way is to listen.

 

She sounds open but you can screw it up easily by opening your mouth when she is expressing herself. You will gain more points for you and her if you truly **** your brain off and listen to her heart.

[hl1962]

Good advice. OP sounds a lot like my H. I'm done, but you have hope. We've been married more than 22yrs. He acted all his time after work's his. He mows the lawn. He doesn't celebrate anything, and has almost zero affection. You can count one hand the two of us went out to do something. Can't communicate. Talk the way like you do, plus condescending, sarcastic, ... We are just incompatible. I asked for a D when the 2nd child went to college. He was angry and defensive until all of a sudden, like you, he had the wake up call. He's helping more and wants to work things out. It's just too late. I gave him 22yrs of my life, and obviously he isn't interested in being with me. I'm not angry or resentful or sad. It is what it is.

 

Everyone is different. To me, I like to do things together, taking care of the kids, in the kitchen... Don't know what your wife wants. Just remember, no matter what, your wife is always right. . Good luck!!