How do I leave the love of my life?

[DrySoul]

Hi guys,

 

It's really difficult for me to put the pieces of my thoughts together and write my story here, but hopefully I can find some advice. I'm sorry if the text will be long, but I really feel like pouring my heart out somewhere at least, because I've been holding this in for such a long time.

 

I'm 25 and live with my husband, who is the same age as me. We met during our last year at university while we were living together in the same house as students. I have a lovely 3yr old from my previous relationship, but at the moment he doesn't live with us (he lives with my family back in my home country), because my husband has been having some visa issues (he is from India) and I had trouble finding employment here in the UK. But now that everything is pretty much sorted (we both have good jobs and a great house), I'm scared to bring my son over to live with both of us, as he always makes remarks over my DS and insults him whenever we have an argument. I used to insult his mum (who has passed away a few years ago), but that was only after he insulted my family and especially my DS. I realize that's terrible, but I wanted to hit him where it hurts most (just like he does to me). It seems like all we do is look for ways to hurt each other lately. We have been through so much to be together and to get as far as we have. Before getting a flat for the both of us after University, he was looking for a job for a year,and I was working in my home country and supporting my son.

 

During our 1 year long-distance relationship, we were talking online everyday for hours on end (I used to work night shifts and always found time to talk and tell him what I was doing all the time). We just couldn't live without each other and being apart felt like hell for both of us. He finally found a job and asked me to come over so we could sort everything out and so I could bring my son over too (they used to talk on skype daily) and also for me to start looking for a job here. So I quit my job, left my son at home with my family (my heart broke, but my DH assured me it's in his best interest, as he would be with us and he would be his dad and treat him as his own son). Before the financially good times came, I stuck with him through thick and thin when he had no one by his side and he was broke and I was working.

 

Now, it seems like the only man I ever loved has turned against me and most times I feel like I don't know him anymore. During our many arguments, he has told me to pack my bags and leave (even during the times when I had no job here and he knew I have no friends/relatives to go to) and he has even taken my bag numerous times and started throwing my stuff in it. He has been doing this countless times and I have told him I won't tolerate it anymore - that we are both on the contract on the house and we are married, so he can't just kick me out. After he cools down, he apologizes so much and tells me he was just angry and that I shouldn't take him seriously everytime he does it. I feel like I'm going mental. We can't be on good terms for more than 3 days per week - every single time a new argument starts and gets ugly (it even escalated to us being violent towards each other). He has broken my finger, punched and slapped me and I scratched his arms.

 

But before this escalated to being physical, it went through the verbal abuse phase. He never even said a bad word to me before we got married - he was always a gentleman (taking his coat off if I was cold, putting me first in everything). After the petty arguments started to appear (we started the fighting when I used to discover things about his past bit by bit), so did the verbal abuse. It seemed like everyday I discovered another lie he had told me before we got married. I was shocked when the verbal abuse started with him calling me names like 'bch' and now lately I am a 'money-grabbing w**re' if he buys something for me once every 4-5 months. I was so shocked when he started to say all these mean names and insults to me and used to cry uncontrollably, since I saw him as the perfect man who worships his wife (as he said he will). But now the sad part is that I am so used to it, I have become immune and it doesn't even phase me anymore. One time when I insulted his mum (after he insulted my son), he began kicking and slapping me all over my head and arms until I fell on the ground and then he was still kicking me when I was on the ground. I swore to myself so many times that I will leave and never look back, but we had so many plans together. I just cry whenever I think about the good times.

 

Now he says he wants us to have a baby, and the next moment he says he wants me to leave and pushes me through the opened door and threatens to throw my things out the door. He has told me so many lies that I can't even count anymore, but everytime he says he is sorry my heart melts and I go back to the good moments and all I've been through just to be with him. I sacrificed being without my son (although I work and support him), my job, my family, friends, etc. He doesn't like me sending money home and supporting my son and sometimes sending extra for my family as well, but I always keep money for the house and I think - if he doesn't like me spending my own money for my son, how will he react when I do it after he comes and lives with us? Sometimes I feel he's been using me to stay here (because I found an email from him to his dad saying he's gonna bring his whole family to the UK so they can have a comfortable life). However, when I first met him, he told me his plans are to go back to his country and look for a job there. He still says he is only in this country because of me and nothing else.

 

I am so fed up with all his lies and hurt he's been putting me through daily - when we fight, I see a flickering of hate in his eyes, because now I question him and fight back, unlike before (when I used to sob on the bed). He has done things for me as well, but only basic things. I gave up the job in my home country, left my son there and a lot of unsolved problems to come and start a new life with him. Everyone thinks we are so happy and the perfect couple. We also got married according to his hindu tradition (no witnesses, as it was a love marriage), and I never had a traditional wedding at the church, I never got a wedding ring - I only got a symbolic pendant which I lost a month after we got married. It was a love marriage we both longed for (or so I thought), so I never thought about getting a big wedding with our families and everyone else attending - he said this will follow later. A couple years down the line, and our wedding isn't even in the discussions anymore.

 

As a side note, he said I would be a 'w**re' if I went to a male gynecologist or to a male doctor to have my heart checked (I had a thorough heart scan and I had to prove to him it was a woman examining me without a bra- and not a man). He even said if it was a man, we would have been over. I only have eyes for him, I never even thought about another man in a sexual or wrong way, and he treats me like I am a loose woman. The funny part is he used to be the cheater and cheated on his ex twice. When we started going out he told me he has DID, but he hasn't shown any signs in the last 1 and a half years - so I don't know if it's just an excuse he makes when he's being horrible.

 

I just feel like I'm going mad, because he can so easily turn from the man of my dreams to the man of my nightmares that I can barely recognize. When I say something he doesn't like, he shouts at me and starts breaking stuff and throwing my favourite food in the bin (I don't know what goes through his head when he does this).

 

I am thinking of looking for a job in my home country and send my son to school there (he was supposed to start school here at one of the best schools in the UK), but I can't see myself going through this much longer. He has told me so many times that I am nothing without him and I can't handle anything on my own, that I have started to believe it. He knows what hurts me the most and he knows I have a low self-esteem and hits me where it hurts. I have given him my soul and loved him unconditionally and was always encouraging him when he was down. But now it looks like he is trying to pull the rug from under my feet. I look at this long text and what scares me is I've barely scratched the surface with how many things are wrong with our marriage and how many things he's done. But I love him so much it hurts. I am planning to leave him in 2 months after I sort everything out here and go back to my home country for good. He told me that if I was ever to leave, he would come looking for me wherever I go. But nowadays, I am not too sure. I feel like I'm in a limbo and cannot get out of this bad dream. I tried to work on our marriage, but he is not cooperating and the lies and physical violence are something I can't get over- I don't want my son to see all that.

 

I am planning on telling him I am going to take my son and bring him here on time for school in September and never come back (he always comes with me to the airport when I travel), but I don't know if I'll have the heart to look at him without my knees getting weak and without breaking down. He is sure I will never leave him because I love him like crazy, but I can't take this situation any longer. I have to think of my son and his future. I don't want to look at him knowing it's for the last time, because I would run right back into his arms. I know for sure he's the only man I will ever love despite everything and I can never be with everyone else after him. He's extremely smart and nice to be around when he's not angry - he told me I am the only one who knows his darkest side and all his life he's been trying to keep people away from him if they got too close, but he only let me in and is afraid of losing me. I don't know if he really loves me or if he sees me as someone who knows his weaknesses and darkest secrets and still puts up with him and doesn't leave no matter what...

 

How do I find it in my heart to leave the love of my life and never look back?

[LoveMyCat]

I got to the physical abuse part and stopped...you must leave. It will only get worse. If this is happening so early in a young marriage, there is little future for your relationship. And your little child should not be exposed to violence, ever, if you can help,it, at least not at home. The "love of your life" is a loser with a dangerous temper. You and your child deserve better. Go.

[LuckyLady13]

How do I find it in my heart to leave the love of my life and never look back?

 

Simple - Your sons health and safety are more important than your "love" for this disgusting filth you call a husband.

 

Do you know what control freak abusers like this guy do to children who can't defend themselves? Do you have any idea how HORRIBLE of a future you'd be putting your son through?

 

You don't love your husband. There's nothing to love about this guy. You're brainwashed. He's drop kicked your self-esteem so many times that he's brainwashed you into thinking you love him and won't love anyone else.

 

He's reading from the abusers handbook. The circle of abuse:

 

Abuse -->

Guilt -->

Excuses -->

Normal Behavior -->

Fantasy -->

Setup-->

Abuse (and it goes back around in the same circle again.)

 

No, I'm not psychic. This is how all abusers work.

 

Where he's brainwashing you the most, in your particular case, is the Fantasy phase. He's selling you a future you're never going to have. You need to walk away from this situation, do it quickly and SAFELY because you can not ignore his threat to hunt you down. The way he thinks he has such a tight hold on you right now? When he finds out he actually doesn't? He's going to try so much harder to regain control over you and abusers have a tendency to absolutely obsess over "the one who got away".

 

Be very careful!

[LifeNomad]

i think you need to be with your son, your son needs you more than he, if he wants to be with you, let him follow you, and you need to change too, he cant continue beating you and hurting you. it hurts, especially because you love him, but if he loved you he wouldn't hurt you

[MJJean]

Simple - Your sons health and safety are more important than your "love" for this disgusting filth you call a husband.

 

Do you know what control freak abusers like this guy do to children who can't defend themselves? Do you have any idea how HORRIBLE of a future you'd be putting your son through?

 

You don't love your husband. There's nothing to love about this guy. You're brainwashed. He's drop kicked your self-esteem so many times that he's brainwashed you into thinking you love him and won't love anyone else.

 

He's reading from the abusers handbook. The circle of abuse:

 

Abuse -->

Guilt -->

Excuses -->

Normal Behavior -->

Fantasy -->

Setup-->

Abuse (and it goes back around in the same circle again.)

 

No, I'm not psychic. This is how all abusers work.

 

Where he's brainwashing you the most, in your particular case, is the Fantasy phase. He's selling you a future you're never going to have. You need to walk away from this situation, do it quickly and SAFELY because you can not ignore his threat to hunt you down. The way he thinks he has such a tight hold on you right now? When he finds out he actually doesn't? He's going to try so much harder to regain control over you and abusers have a tendency to absolutely obsess over "the one who got away".

 

Be very careful!

 

YES!

 

This man is a danger to you and to your son. DO NOT bring your child to live with him. Get a place of your own and file for divorce and a protection order first.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT have a baby with this man.

 

You have been physically and mentally abused. You are not in your right mind at this time. You need the help of a professional. See a counselor and tell him or her all that you have told us. Once in therapy, you will see how this man has damaged and manipulated you and you will begin to heal.

 

Between now and when you are capable of leaving, document everything that you can. Especially any threats and/or violence. If he makes threats or becomes violent, call the police and make a report.

[Mr. Lucky]

How do I find it in my heart to leave the love of my life and never look back?

 

Strange and sad you think he deserves that title. His issues aside, you might want to think about why you'd reward such blatantly abusive and inappropriate behavior with your love and loyalty.

 

You do understand you're supposed to be loved back, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveboid]

Make secret plans, leave when he's out of the house, don't take his calls or open the door if he comes by to your new place. Call the police if he keeps coming by. Have the police talk to him. Never talk or write to him personally again.

[DrySoul]

I'm really grateful for all the messages. Lucky Lady - you are absolutely on spot. It is really hard to see that I've been going through for so long without even knowing.

 

I know I'm making the right choice by leaving him. I've been so gullible all this time that I feel like banging my head against a wall. I just discovered a chain of emails between him and his dad (from when we started going out) where he said he's known me for a while and he wants to marry me. His dad then proceeds to tell him that he already had a good girl (his ex) who is helping them financially and asking him whether I would do the same, since they are in so much debt. He said he was planning to marry the other girl and why is he changing his mind so suddenly? Now he swears up and down that he never planned on marrying her, even after I found chat logs where he kept asking her to marry him (he says it was always as a joke).

 

And then he tells his dad that he can be with her (ex-gf) as well if that's what his dad wants; but now this is even better, since he can stay in the UK with me (since I'm European) and find a nice job. And he ended up saying that he has to make sacrifices and that is what he is doing.

 

So basically being with me was just a sacrifice he had to make because I was the better choice to getting out of the s**t his family was in. I'm really done with all this - I feel like all these years my marriage with him has been a sham and a lie. I have no idea who he is anymore. And now he tells me he had to tell his dad something, and this is his only way of making him understand?

 

I don't want to discover any more lies. I am just so tired of it all and hurting inside. There were so many things that we have been through and I never thought a human being could do such thing to another human.

 

I was never perfect, but I was always honest and open with him regarding my past and my mistakes and everything in between - only to be repaid by this. I physically feel like someone has stabbed me in the chest and opened my rib cage. I feel like I'm breaking down bit by bit with every lie I uncover.

 

He is supposed to go out of town tomorrow for work so I am happy to have a day off where I won't have to look at him. I am also leaving the country for a few weeks, but then I will have to come back and sort everything out here and close this chapter in my life for good.

 

I would have trusted this man with my life over anyone else. Now I don't think I'll ever have the ability to trust anyone in my life again.