New here and looking for some thoughts/validation (long!)

[Ayamachi]

Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to give as much background as possible, to get any suggestions on how to go about this.

 

My husband and I met through a mutual friend from high school; I was 18 and he was 19. I was the 2nd person he ever slept with, and his only girlfriend. I had slept with several people, but no long-term relationships. He made me feel secure, and due to this I asked to move in with him a year later. He and I had differences in everything important (kids, future, money, ext.), but that didn’t matter since “we were in love”. We were kids, and it’s as simple as that. We were pretty good together in those first years co-habitating; only because we never talked about anything of importance.

 

In 2011 I got pregnant. He never wanted a family, especially not so young (I was 21, he was 22). When I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to get an abortion. That is something he knew I was against, but he asked anyway. That broke me, for the first time we had to talk about something of importance and had to come to decision. Thus far in the relationship we could have just ignored the disagreement, and shuffle it under the rug. Not now. I told him that I couldn’t get rid of this life growing within me, but that I could leave and his family wouldn’t have to know. I gave him an escape route, thinking that I couldn’t ruin his life by asking him to be a father when he obviously didn't want to be. His pride forced him to chase after me, not his love.

 

The time during the pregnancy was horrific for me emotionally. I was forbidden to tell my family I was pregnant. But it was ok for some reason…I could just cry on the bathroom floor at night, rationalizing why I needed to stay. We were in love. It didn’t help matters that I was financially dependent on him, but I knew he depended on me as well. I was the go-getter, the goal finisher, the person who made plans to ensure the day-to-day activities got done. I started showing, so his family knew something was up, and mine started to ask questions. So the next logical step in our childish minds was for us was to get married. I loved him, and I was pregnant with his child. I always knew he would make a wonderful father, I told him so as well. I knew he was a perfect provider, giving me financial support. In my gut I knew that something was wrong with the situation, but I couldn’t leave. He was checking all the correct boxes for what I thought a husband should.

 

We got married in November 2011, and 5 months later we had our precious baby girl. And he was the best daddy I could have asked for. His relationship with our daughter is the light of his life, the thing that keeps him going. It was the thing that breathed life into our marriage, for a while at least. We came at heads again when I asked to be a stay at home parent; he was absolutely against it, so a month after we had our daughter I started my first full time job (worked min wage at a gas station). I was always horrible with money though, so we were struggling to make ends meet even with this new in-flow. Instead of trying to be a partnership, we were always ignoring each other. Ignoring the problems we had, financially and emotionally. I quit that job, because I craved being a stay at home parent more than I feared what financial stress it would cause us.

 

This was the beginning of the end for us. He resented me for making us suffer financially. So I wanted to show him I could do something right by our family, and started going to college. I got grant money, which helped with bills, and I was/am going to get a good job once I got out. I did accelerated courses, trying to make sure that I could get that good paying job as fast as possible. My husband hated that I chose to further my education, instead of sticking with a minimum wage job. Hated that I was making the family suffer, by his standards, for wholly selfish reasons. His resentment and hatred manifested in isolation, and neglect. He would refuse to talk to me for days, which made me emotionally distant in turn. We were only a year married, and we were still children. But we did our best to ensure our daughter never took the brunt of this ice storm that was our household. Our lives started growing apart, he took up hobbies that had him out of the house, and I had school.

 

A couple years passed like that, but I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I asked for a separation in Jan 2014. He looked like I had blind-sided him, begged me not to leave, told me he would change. I was so drained I HAD to leave though, so in Aug of that year I moved to a town 30 minutes away, closer to my college. I started researching ways that we could increase our communication, anything that we could do. He was dead set against a marriage counselor, so I tried going to individual therapy. She told me that both people needed to attend, to make things work, so I stopped going. I told him what my needs were, how he could help meet these needs. I even wrote down actions that I felt would help our marriage. I begged him to tell me his needs, how to meet his needs; he never reciprocated that line of communication. He has been more affectionate since I've left, but nothing of substance. I seriously doubt things will change as drastically as they need to, so I’m seriously contemplating a divorce.

 

The problem is that I do love him, I care about his well-being, I don’t want to make him suffer, but I almost feel that I’m pulling him along? He has openly told me that he doubts that another woman will love him, but I doubt that. He’s attractive, athletic, and is pretty funny; what woman wouldn’t want him? I know that I don’t make him happy, but we still love each other? We are two fundamentally different people, and I love him enough to not want him to be married to a woman who can’t appreciate him.

 

Thank you for reading. I just wanted to get input on what others think I should do? I feel that I don't want to be unhappy, but I don't want to break his heart. Should I stick it out, in hopes he will change, or end it now so we can both move on??

[TunaCat]

Yes, leave the marriage.

 

I was already shaking my head at your situation by the 2nd paragraph.

 

And then I kept reading.

 

Reading the part where you were forbidden to tell your own family about the pregnancy infuriated me. There's no reason for that and that speaks to control issues.

 

Refusing to go to marriage counseling with you tells me that he doesn't want to work on things. If he truly wanted to improve your marriage, he'd be going to marriage counselling with you. Him not being willing to go to marriage counselling with you should be an automatic deal-breaker (it would be for me)

 

You should be proud of yourself for going back to school. His control issues are a major issue that aren't going to get any better unless he is willing to put in the work. He wants you to stay at the minimum wage job because then you'll be financially dependent on him. If you finished school, got a degree and then got a job that ties into your degree, you'd be making more money and you would not be dependent on him anymore.

[Ayamachi]

Thank you for the quick reply TunaCat!

 

I was wondering if you would have any insight on making the process easier? I am at a loss emotionally about what to do. I do not want to hurt him.

 

Thank you!

[LoveMyCat]

Have you given counseling a chance?

 

Also you said you knew he would be a good provider...if so, why did you have to take a minimum wage job? The cost of child care would wipe that out, I would think.

 

Not to state the obvious, but you chose a life partner at way too young an age. But you do have a child...I think marriage counseling is worth a try. He is not really fully a grown-up yet...men take longer lol. Maybe the fear of losing you will help him get there.

[TunaCat]

If you do decide to leave the marriage, it won't be easy. especially if he is as good of a father as you say he is. You deserve better and your daughter deserves to be surrounded with as little conflict as possible.

 

I do think you should start individual counseling for yourself though. Having an impartial person to talk to can be very beneficial.