TashaTudor Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Is this extreme? I have now officially dumped everyone who talks to my ex-cheater. An ex sister in law in coming to town and wants to see me. I really don't want to see her even though she hasn't done anything directly to me. I feel like she is guilty by association. It feels like I just want to wipe out every non essential association of my ex. I don't want to step backwards. During the time of his affair , I asked many relatives to talk reason and give him/us some counsel. Everyone , including this sister in law, gave a resounding , "leave him and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE". So I feel like getting rid of all of those people, is part of moving on. And I don't feel that I have to be polite and explain or notify them. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Since you feel that strongly about it, carry on. If you have kids, I'd ask them if they cared to see their aunt, assuming they are old enough to make such a choice. You don't have to be there. But don't get made at them if they miss her or their father. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 It's not necessary but I wouldn't call it extreme either. In fact it might be healthy to establish some distance with his family, especially if they start talking about "that topic" again, want to inform you how he is doing or worse, are spying around to gather information for the ex. Also I agree with the poster above. However, if you don't have kids or anything that binds you to him - not extreme at all to cut them all off. You're back to being strangers once more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 It is a little extreme to label them as "guilty by association." It sounds like they actually tried to help you by telling you to leave him. I love my sister but I cannot control her choices. She loves me but she cannot control me either. If you don't want to have a relationship with them you don't have to, but bitterness is something that produces lots of heartache and lingering anger that can be all consuming. Being married to a cheater is very painful, but letting bitterness infect your heart allows that person to continue to have a measure of control over your life. Forgive and forget is the best way to move forward. I don't know whether you should see your ex-sister-in-law or not. Do you have a Pastor or other trusted person you can seek advice from? Have you seen a counselor at all? You don't have to be rude to her but have you considered telling her that the pain is too fresh to see her now? I am sorry because this kind of thing hurts a lot. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TashaTudor Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 I confess. I am bitter. Anyone would be. I was treated terribly by these two fornicators/infidels. I am considering therapy at some point. Honestly though, the thing that would make me really feel better is seeing some justice. This is suppose to be a just universe, no? Let me say it plainly, I want them to be miserable and suffer. Asap. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 hmmm... sadistic and vindictive. yes i encourage you then to stay away from folks. Why cut off your nose to spite your face? You are better then his poor choices... his actions do not deserve your energy... negative or not. Sorry that it happened.., Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I confess. I am bitter. Anyone would be. I was treated terribly by these two fornicators/infidels. I am considering therapy at some point. Honestly though, the thing that would make me really feel better is seeing some justice. This is suppose to be a just universe, no? Let me say it plainly, I want them to be miserable and suffer. Asap. I don't know the whole story but just by reading this thread, you really need to look for therapy quickly. Carrying all that anger and hatred is not healthy nor good for you. I would agree that distancing yourself from his family is a good thing. Just them know you're not in a good place currently and need time to heal and move on before considering further contact with your ex's family Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I confess. I am bitter. Anyone would be. I was treated terribly by these two fornicators/infidels. I am considering therapy at some point. Honestly though, the thing that would make me really feel better is seeing some justice. This is suppose to be a just universe, no? Let me say it plainly, I want them to be miserable and suffer. Asap. this is all understandable... but this phase needs to be done with. justice, karma...? don't hold your breath. like Clint said in The Unforgiven - deserve's got nothing to do with it! they might just be happy for the rest of their lives and you'll feel even worse if you keep relying on their misery in order to be happy. you need to move on & look for your own happiness elsewhere. it is hard but with a heartbreak - there is no justice, there is only you accepting things you cannot change and moving on for YOU & your own life. right one, you're taking the wrong route - you're focusing on THEM instead of you. therapy would be fantastic, simply because i think you need a push in the right direction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I did the same. I don't think this is all that unhealthy as others have said. I actually found it quite liberating. Why not find new friends and healthy people to be around and do goo things instead of listening to someone else dwell on the past or bring it up. Good for you for moving on Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Tasha Tudor, I notified my ex wifes family that I would be stepping out of their lives. They were not happy about it but understand. Note that none of them are complicit or responsible it is just easier to bow out for a while, maybe forever. As far as mutual friends go that is tougher. The few of them that accept her with the AP and are hanging out with the 2 of them as if I never existed are easy. I just don't associate with them any longer. The ones who want to be Switzerland and try to be friends with both of us are gone also. Note that I don't tell them anything, just letting them drift out of my life. Honestly, I was pretty tired of most of the folks I am losing anyway so not a big loss. I have a decent amount of friends who "get it" so I am ok losing the others. As far as hoping that the cheaters have a bad life I am doing my best to move past that. You never really know how that will turn out, and if you hang around waiting for the karma bus you will miss out on a lot. The way I try to look at it is she already blew it with the best guy she will probably find, so she may be happy with him but if we had worked on things a little she would have been way better off with me. I am about 8 months in, anger still surfaces at times but I really don't let it consume me. Try not to let it get to you either. Feel it, acknowledge it, then let it drift away. I know its easier said then done and cliche but remember, the best revenge is to go on to live a great life no matter how his life turns out. Good luck, there are many of in this unfortunate boat, we will survive and thrive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 It is sad that when a relationship or marriage ends, so do a lot of other relationships as well. I was w/my ex wife for 15 years. I was close to some of her family as well. I ended the marriage cause it was toxic and dysfunctional. Since then, I haven't spoken to any of her family. The same went with our neighborhood couple friends. As soon as I moved out and left the neighborhood, those relationships disappeared as well. I think in most cases, separating from friends you had w/the ex and their family members is necessary and a healthy way to move forward with your new life. You can always re-connect a few years later, when things settle down. In most cases, you'll find you don't want to Lastly, you also experience this when changing jobs. People you thought you were close with slowly fade away. I guess out of sight, out of mind.. They always say you get a true indication of who your true friends are after a big life change. I've found it to be very true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I did the same thing, I didn't announce anything with big, dramatic words, but I just kept my distance. I really held it against some people, shared friends and his family in particular, that they couldn't side with me. Because clearly, he was to blame. In the meantime, though, I have come to terms with it, and even though I don't reach out actively to those people, when they reach out to me I'm always willing to meet up for a chat. So basically, similar to many other situations with people, I have changed from feelings of anger and frustration and disappointment to indifference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Akashsingh Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Is this extreme? I have now officially dumped everyone who talks to my ex-cheater. An ex sister in law in coming to town and wants to see me. I really don't want to see her even though she hasn't done anything directly to me. I feel like she is guilty by association. It feels like I just want to wipe out every non essential association of my ex. I don't want to step backwards. During the time of his affair , I asked many relatives to talk reason and give him/us some counsel. Everyone , including this sister in law, gave a resounding , "leave him and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE". So I feel like getting rid of all of those people, is part of moving on. And I don't feel that I have to be polite and explain or notify them. This is what will usually happen in any affair/divorce. If you don't want to see her , you don't see her & move on. Just don't be vindictive or rude when you do that. And its fair not to respond to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TashaTudor Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 I look foward to the day when I am indifferent to this event in my life. I am not person who would exchange words with any person. I just quietly disappear. I mentally let them go if I feel they haven't supported me or they have questionable alliances. Link to post Share on other sites
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