How do I deal with this

[Shotclock]

My marriage of 10 years is over and we are separated. That is hard enough as it is truly all I ever wanted. Wife and kids etc. we have 1 daughter that is about to turn 8. I moved out March 1.

My wife had an emotional affair, as well as inappropriate behaviour keneping secrets etc. so in those aspects it's good it's over. She wasn't happy and I don't deserve that kind of treatment. I've talked to a counsellor about her behaviour and things I just didn't get( she got mad at me when my daughter and I asked her to read a tear jerker bedtime story to our daughter) I have come to find out her behaviour is in line with that of a high conflict person. We talk about the emotional affair and she says it wasn't an affair. This happened a year or so ago and we got back together after. She met this guy fell for him and broke up with me, brought a real estate agent in to sell the property and when I tried to convince her to get back together with me she said " I've met someone else and when his divorce is final and ours is final we will be together" ( pretty solid emotional affair case right there....)

So the other day I call my daughter and she is acting weird, I had a hunch that her mother had a man over. So Friday when my daughter and I were hanging out I asked her how she was doing? She said not good and that mom made her promise not to tell me about the new guy. I did not pry and simply asked if she wanted to talk and she spilled her guts and felt so much better after. After finding out the details I'm pretty sure she starting contacting this guy while we were together but regardless one affair is enough.

My work schedule sucks and it makes it hard for me to see my daughter but unless I quit it is what it is. While she was growing up I was the one who played with her while mom was out. Friends and family all see that I have always been the one there for her and now although her mother is not keeping her from me, I hardly get to see her and that fact absolutely kills me. I miss her so much and it is the one thing I just can't figure out how to get over.

Any advice?

[jakrbbt]

On the issue of missing your daughter:

 

First, it's normal, and will get better. You've only been separated 2 and a half months. It would be concerning if you did not feel anxious and sad while your daughter's not around. But it will get better so long as you all fall into a more or less regular routine.

 

Which brings me to the second point about missing your daughter:

 

Try to make sure you have frequent, regular contact with her-- even if it's not for as many hours or days as you'd like. It's the frequency and regularity of the contact that's important to a parent/child bond. I read a lot of studies on this and saw a family counselor while I was worried about the possibilities of divorce, and that is what I learned. Also with an 8-year-old, the contact does not have to be as frequent as it would with, say, a 2 year old. Your bond will be as strong, and she will be as secure with you, if you have predictable and reliable contact, period, even if it's less than once a week.

 

Also, the healthier your relationship with daughter is, the more she will naturally gravitate toward you as the influence in her life. You can still be her rock even if you do not have the majority of time with her. I'd recommend the book "Growing Up Again" for guidance on how to provide the most constructive, age-appropriate parenting that responds to a child's age-based needs. She'll get a lot out of her time with daddy so long as it's reliable and constructive and loving. And if you can't have reliablility in terms of same time each week, try to have reliability in terms of giving your daugher notice that she's going to see you and when.

 

Good luck. The pain of your situation will subside, I am sure of it.

[Clay]

Time to move on from your stbxw (Soon to be ex wife). File for divorce and ask for joint custody. You might not get it but its better to try to get as liberal of visitations you can so it will help you work arround your work schedule.

 

The other poster is right there is no reason you can not be the rock and best influence for your daughter. My exwife is a complete flake. She has cheated on every man she has been with and is still doing it. I kept custody of kids. Not everyone can do this and it was extremely difficult for me but in my case it was the best decision I made. My kids now wont even talk to there mother anymore.

 

Take care of your self and you will be the example your daughter needs of a positive influence in her life.

 

Sorry you are going through it but some women are just not worth the time.

It not your fault she cheated its hers. She will have to learn on her own. Its no longer your problem.

 

Clay

[Miss Clavel]

skype, facetime, cell phone, email, video chats you can email.

 

and let me tell you, if my ex had some "friend" over while my kids were there, he'd be bald headed and walking backwards.

 

the number one offender against young girls is mommy's new boyfriend.

 

i let my ex have a key to my place. he could come and go at will. he did his visitation at my place because i did not want them over "her" house.

 

i NEVER had a man over while my kids were in the house, period.

 

offer to have your daughter over night. weekends. hire a bus to bring her to your house from school. hire a neighbor to be there to let her in or have a relative be there until you get home. i'm sure you can find someone to even run a load of wash and start dinner.

 

use your imagination. there is more then one way to skin a cat.

[jakrbbt]

skype, facetime, cell phone, email, video chats you can email.

 

and let me tell you, if my ex had some "friend" over while my kids were there, he'd be bald headed and walking backwards.

 

the number one offender against young girls is mommy's new boyfriend.

 

i let my ex have a key to my place. he could come and go at will. he did his visitation at my place because i did not want them over "her" house.

 

i NEVER had a man over while my kids were in the house, period.

 

offer to have your daughter over night. weekends. hire a bus to bring her to your house from school. hire a neighbor to be there to let her in or have a relative be there until you get home. i'm sure you can find someone to even run a load of wash and start dinner.

 

use your imagination. there is more then one way to skin a cat.

 

I agree that a little imagination and some creative solutions can create more time with your daughter. Especially if her mother is not wanting to keep her from you.

 

Even a car ride can be quality time. Kids don't need specific settings.

 

Talk to a clever friend who knows your schedule, and brainstorm ways to get time with your daughter (even if it's scheduled skype or lots of texting).

 

And keep it constructive. Not that you would, but don't use time with daughter to vent or whine about ex. Be patient, and the bits of time will really pay off.

Edited May 19, 2015 by jakrbbt