Signs of regretting divorce?

[boboba1]

Hello everyone!

 

I found this website and it is my first post. I'll try to be brief...

We were married for 7 1/2 years. We have a 2 years old son. We have had our ups and downs, and I was overall content. He was diagnosed bipolar a while back and though we had our rough patches we managed them well. We were best friends, there were no major issues.

 

Most of the time it was him who was always quicker to wanted to call it off but I always found a way to smooth him into being just part of any relationship. And we were, with ups and downs. However, I had never experienced what was a full blown manic episode.

He turned into someone I could not recognise, constantly aggressive, vain, proud and so full of himself. He kicked us out of the house. He told me was in search of happiness and intensity and he wasn't in love with me anymore (no butterflies no more). He loved me very much but wanted to remain as friends. I couldn't live with that.

 

Back in january he wanted to have more kids, in february he started turning cold, then by march I was old news. We signed divorced papers last tuesday. I tried everything with in my power to tell him that he was making wrong choices but he wouldn't listen. He didn't even acknowledge there was any problem with him nor that he needed help.

 

None the less.. for the first time in the past few months I saw him different. He kept trying to speak to me during negotiations (just talking about stuff), and he looked quite sad whilst signing the documents. He came crying yesterday to give his son back (back from his visitation time). Whilst we were signing the documents he expressed his desire to seek help so he could genuinely be happy. He assured me that. But I don't know if he is having second thoughts, just sad cause of the relationship failure or really regretting the breakup? does he miss me?

 

I've told him I wanted nothing to do with him. I was cold and distant. I refused to see him. I built a massive wall.

I am confused now. I did not want the person he became but I love the person he was once. Is he having regrets? He was hasty in making decisions and I could see why he wouldn't try to establish anything with me (I've insisted not to) but.. will he make an effort to make things right? I am terrified of making the first step.

 

Thank you in advance!!

Edited May 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[LifeNomad]

If he has regrets he will tell you. Do not assume anything and keep on trudging for yourself and your kid

[No Limit]

He means trouble. If he wants to truly change he'll do it even if you two aren't together, he probably had high hopes and believed he had a lot of potential with the ladies (and to be honest, especially that patch where he was aggressive and full of himself etc - I'd guess there was another woman involved; which in turn gave him the "bravery" to do the divorce). Definitely don't take him back, he isn't the man you wish him to be. He just isn't that person anymore, he's changed, for the worse.

[boboba1]

There was the idea of another lady.. well it was inspired by a real one.. the fantasy and thrill of new love.

He was also thinking he would much rather have the single lifestyle. He is probably realising the grass isnt greener on the other side..

[No Limit]

There was the idea of another lady.. well it was inspired by a real one.. the fantasy and thrill of new love.

He was also thinking he would much rather have the single lifestyle. He is probably realising the grass isnt greener on the other side..

 

Then he's following the cheater textbook exactly. Never take him back.

[starglider]

Most of the time it was him who was always quicker to wanted to call it off but I always found a way to smooth him into being just part of any relationship. And we were, with ups and downs.

Given his bi-polar diagnosis and the fact that he had threatened to abandon the relationship for quite a while, you may want to try to focus on yourself and why it is that you are able to stay in this sort of rocky relationship.

 

Did you grow up with addiction or mental illness or a rage-aholic in your family? If so, you might want to look up the concept of codependency. That is where you get your identity by being a caretaker and rescuer to someone in need. (I may be wrong about this, so forgive me if I am).

 

It is a difficult "enmeshment" but if you had a childhood like this, it helps explain why you could withstand the push and pull and even now, why you are willing to give it another chance.

 

I hope you consider detaching from him and let the divorce process proceed. With therapy and 12 step programs (there are some for the spouses of people with mental illness), you really can build yourself up to a place where you'll attact and be attracted to more stable partners. You can do it!

[KBarletta]

So he is bipolar, and he expressed a desire to seek help. Is he in therapy? On medication? How has he changed? If he hasn't changed, then there is no reason to believe anything will change in your relationship. Either way, I would absolutely not make any move in his direction. Keep focusing on yourself and your own happiness and let him find his own way. If he is having serious regrets, he will find a way to let you know. I wouldn't hold out hope, though. I'd keep moving forward and build your own life apart from him.

Edited May 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

He sounds bat$hit crazy. I wouldn't put any credence in to what his emotional state looks like at any given time because it may be something completely different in 5 minutes.

 

He may be sad and crying one minute and then thinking he's Batman the next.

 

Untill he's been properly diagnosed and treated and has been completely sane and sober and has had his feet planted firmly on Planet Earth for at least a year, I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

[William]

This might be a drive-by since the new member hasn't logged on in a few days and never responded after the first day so we'll close the thread pending their return. Thanks for your contributions!