java0008 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Hello, I have visited this forum when I was going through divorce and trying to reconcile. I am a 30 year old female from a south asian country. I was driven by negative energy in life due to the conservative culture I grew up in. I lost my mother at the age of 19. She was my best friend. I got a scholarship and went to USA to do a masters. I met my ex spouse through a common friend. My ex had a physical disability. I initially rejected his advances because I was reluctant since I was not sure if I could handle his limitation. However he cried over the phone and asked me if I was rejecting him because of his disability. I could not take the guilt, and long story short we were dating and ultimately got married in a small ceremony without the presence of my family who agreed to that. I had to come back to my home country because of the visa restriction. He could have come back as he originated from the same country but he told me he wanted to focus on his career and gain experience for a while before trying his luck for jobs elsewhere where we could be together so we started a long distance relation. Things were good initially. I know he cared about me and provided for me financially. However both of us were very strong. We had a conflict over the logistics of our relation. I told him I wanted to join him first and then meet my family together because I knew my family was overly sensitive about my choice of marrying someone who was not physically perfect. He took it as an offense and emotionally distanced himself from me. We went through a divorce shortly after that. I begged him and his family to take me back however he stood by his decision and we ultimately parted ways after an ugly divorce. He wanted me to sign a waiver of rights in a DIY divorce petition but I stood up for my rights as I gave him the prime years of my life and saved myself for him. He refused to be cooperative in any way, he refused to mail back my belongings that I left in his possession or provide me with a copy of a joint tax return on which he claimed me as a dependent. It has been over 8 months since the divorce finally happened. I am planning to start my PhD. I have been trying to date but it is very difficult for a divorced woman in my culture to find a suitable match. What I am seeking suggestions for is closure. There are two possibilities. Either he wronged me or I wronged him. if he is the one who wronged me, I expect an apology. If I am the one who wronged him I want to apologize. however given our situation it is not possible. Even though I have begged him and pleaded guilty to anything that I said or did that offended him, he never regretted anything he said or did. I long for that, and I know I am not getting that. How do I move on? Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Whether you got an apology or not makes no difference does it? There's nothing to gain either way IMO. You could die at 110 years old and still not have gotten that apology. What would your old lady self tell you to do now? Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author java0008 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 I know you are right. There wont be anything worse than regretting that I waited for an apology which would have not made any difference. I believe in being a creator and not a victim. I have forgiven him and moving on with my life. But he is a part of my history which I cannot erase. I have to mention him and his date of birth in my visa applications, answer questions about him to prospects and all!! I am at that stage where I think even if he wants to take me back I will walk away even though there was a time I was desperate for him and I know my chances of finding a good partner by my society's standards are very low! But even in a hypothetical world I will not take him back because I was hurt so much. I dont hate him I just think he doesnt deserve me anymore! Still I dont know why I sometimes imagine him experiencing karma or something, or maybe I want to question him that I had looked past his limitation and forgiven him for his mistakes (none of us is perfect) and given him many chances! Why couldnt he stand by the vows he exchanged with me and fulfill the promises he made when we last saw each other! Why couldnt he give me one last chance? Link to post Share on other sites
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