separation?!

[cja]

I have no reason for posting. Probably the pursuit of an emotional "kin", someone who is connected by something thicker than water in going through the banal yet profound process of separation, leading to, perhaps, divorce. Such a cliche though, too. I never cared much for marriage or paperwork. I actually (naively, now, I see) found it a point of love, yes, mother f*'ing love, that my husband didn't wear a ring and that I didn't care that he went on long trips and hung out in large groups where women were, of course, as 50% of the population, existing as they do in large numbers. Now, after a cliche affair, denial, separation, confession, fights, blame, etc, I find myself at a motherf'**ing forum site. It's absolutely inane, but I'm f'ing doing it. So that's what brings me to a 'forum' on separation and divorce. Does it resonate with anyone? Or am I a foulmouthed fool? :-) I know already that I am, indeed, that. It all seems so surreal, and I feel like I 'should' try to impose a reality to the surreal, but I can't really. And so I love but also impose boundaries. And even at three months past, I'm still lost. Just lost. Anyone, else?

[Mr. Lucky]

Now, after a cliche affair, denial, separation, confession, fights, blame, etc, I find myself at a motherf'**ing forum site.

 

Interesting how things become cliches by being true over and over again.

 

Looks like a duck, walks like a...well, you know the rest. A spouse that doesn't want to advertise and/or act like he's married usually does so for a purpose. And that purpose is eventually revealed.

 

Kids involved? Are you NC with him? Hoping to get back together or glad he's gone? More info will get you more - and better - responses. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kenmore]

Hi cja,

 

Foulmouthed fool? Well you're certainly f*cking foul mouthed, but I find that endearing. I like to get it out sometimes too.

 

As for a fool, I can't know. I guess it depends on how much you overlooked or let slide before it all fell apart.

 

Regardless, don't feel bad about yourself. I lived in denial for so long, I can't even remember what grasping reality means anymore. When my first wife was dying, denial kept me thinking she would be ok. She wasn't. With this wife, I kept denying she didn't want to be married to me, and didn't love me (I know, double negatives, but I'm trying to use the word denying here!)

 

We all live partially in a world of reality and illusion.

 

Now I put a good face on it. I convince myself it doesn't matter (yeah I know, more denial), she just wanted out, she didn't love me and I lost nothing. I convince myself (and others) that I'm ok. Usually it's so convincing I get on with my life and function just fine, looking forward to my next woman, new life and dessert. Then there are times like recently when some totally stupid thing like being ignored by a colleague who means practically nothing to me and I met two months ago makes all of it come back and makes me want to take a headlong dive into my dad's unfilled swimming pool.

 

We separated in July, she filed for divorce in Nov, and I guess we'll be divorced in June. Three months? That's still so new!

 

Let me tell you something. You may feel embarrassed posting in a stupid forum or for being weak, but you will find friends here, damned good advice and that you are not weak. Just f*cking human! My advice, don't go away.

 

Ken

[cja]

First, thank you for the reply to my stress induced, emotional diatribe. I appreciate it. As per suggestion on more info here's a boiled down version of events, though of course it's just one layer of our relationship, and from my perspective. My husband went on a trip to bike the pacific coast after I started my my first year teaching middle school science/ math at an 'urban' charter school. I recently made the career move after spending 8 years doing administration abroad. My husband lived with me in korea for a few years, he didn't work, but didn't need to as he has money saved. He wanted to go back to school and use his GI bill and go back to Ohio, I was supportive. He moved, and wanted me to move and settle in Ohio near where his family is from. It took some time, but eventually we bought a house and I moved back. Things were never easy from the start. There were lots of issues and looking back over it, I can see it more clearly. When I started teaching, I was working a lot. It's the hardest, most demanding (and, contradictory though it is, low-paid) job I've ever had. My hours were long, I think my husband felt neglected. I thought a trip would be good and we've had plenty of separation (he also worked abroad when we were dating, and I studied abroad). So I don't think I was naive really for trusting him on his trip. This is getting long and it really is surface anyway. He went on his trip, then he sent me a text saying he wanted 'to let me go. that he had a transformative trip and the experience of solitude taught him that attachment is..." not good or something, I still don't really understand what he was saying so I won't try to convey it. It was BS anyway, really the experience of an affair and someone else spawned the decision to 'let me go'. Then he said that he was going to the desert to find clarity. I let him go and do all these things and wished him well. I wasn't going to try and fight it and be with someone who didn't want to be with me. I'd sort of done it before and suddenly the idea seemed silly. And was hurt though and somehow felt used but I still tried to treat him with kindness and wished him well, I really did which is what makes the future events somehow more painful, and really also comical when I can zoom out and find the humor. So I moved and got an apartment. I saw an attorney and was prepared to try my best for a peaceful dissolution. He comes back in Dec. after I haven't heard from him except a few texts since late Oct when he said he wanted to let me go and get a divorce, I'd told him I'd moved out in late november so he moved back into our house. It's a really beautiful house and I know our dog is happier there too and if we divorce I'll be moving on out west as Ohio was where I moved for him, so it does seem better that he be there. Okay, I'm composing a mini-novel and I'm about to go hiking and enjoy some sunshine so I'll comeback and write later if anyone can get this freaking far. Oh and I didn't find out about the affair until Jan 8th, and he wanted to get back together. I still don't know what I want to do.

[kenmore]

Oh and I didn't find out about the affair until Jan 8th, and he wanted to get back together. I still don't know what I want to do.

 

Hmm, well, at least I have some company in denial world. From an outside perspective, I can tell you exactly what I would do, but obviously you need to go by your own perspective. For me (and my wife), an affair was always the one thing we both said we would never tolerate. I have been married twice and both times I have been blessed with women who were faithful. I never had any doubts about the fidelity of either. So, in your shoes, it would be "bye" so fast that the air rushing by me leaving would slam the door all by itself!

 

So much for how I would feel. From what you have told us so far though, you never cared that much for marriage, you two have spent a lot of time apart (whether due to separate trips, working, studying abroad whatever), he wants to "let you go" (how considerate!) and had an affair. Meanwhile, to make it contradictory for you, you love him enough to move to Ohio (someone has to love someone pretty much to do that! (no offence Ohians)) and are obviously very hurt and unsure.

 

While I already told you how I would feel, I can't make decisions for you or tell you how to feel. I can commiserate with you though. I know very well how it feels to love someone only to find out it's not mutual. To put your all into a relationship only to be tossed aside like last week's trash (which reminds me, tomorrow is trash day, thanks!) Since you moved out several months ago, and judging by your story there are no children involved, how much of a tie is left? You have your things, he has his I guess. There is some community property which would need to be divided, but it seems a clean break is possible. Count yourself lucky for that! I do in my case!

 

I don't feel what I'm saying is all that helpful, but maybe it will help you to know there are others who know how you feel somewhat, and as cruel as this is to say, knowing others are suffering the same way we are does help. Sorry folks, but it's true.

 

And you will hear the term NC here a lot. It's widely promoted. It means no communication, and to use it, you really have to be NO! communication. No facebook spying, no texting, nothing. You would need to block his calls and pretend he no longer exists. Since you are still going through the process, you probably can't do that, but the more communication you have, the more difficult it will be emotionally. You will likely have it rammed down your throat here and maybe rightly so, but you will know what's working, what is not, and when you are ready.

 

I will send you HUGS cja. At least maybe that will help a little. And keep venting your novels! That helps too!

 

Ken

[cja]

From my denial filled apartment I say hello :-) I'm actually on spring break (a wonderous gift to students and teachers alike) and really enjoying the sunshine so at least I do have moments of not having to think about my situation. I went to a Beer Science free seminar in the park tonight, and listened to the art of craft brewery while watching the sunset in the horizon. It was a beautiful evening yet waiting beyond the horizon is always the ever present feeling of disillusionment, dissappointed abandonement. It percolates through my consciousness. I'm paralyzed with indecisio. As you identified, I did and still do love my husband deeply. He doesn't even seem to appreciate that my moving to Ohio was a valid declaration of such love. Somehow he seems to think that he had an affair because I didn't somehow make him feel loved enough (or something, the reasons change more than the Ohio weather). I tried my best and I hear him saying that he made a mistake, wants his family back together, and we've been to counseling a few times as well. The actions I see whenever we fight, however, are different. He is cutting and hurtful towards me when we fight. I dare bring up difficult issues but how does one get through abondonement without being able to withstand vulnerable conversations? I can't think of a way. So I withdraw into my apartment, my work, my walks through the metro parks and classes and girlfriends. Also you said that I 'never cared much for marriage' and although that is true in a sense, it doesn't sit right with me when I hear it as such. I don't care for the paperwork and legality sense of it. I care deeply for a lasting partnership that is held sacred, and my husband knew my love for such a committed and equal partnership. I don't think though looking back that he ever actually reciprocated and saw me as an equal. I think he might have taken my lack of care for conventions- a big expensive wedding, rings, etc.- as a sign of weakness or something. I was deeply committed to a life partnership with my husband and thought that he was as well. I'm a huge saver, always have been, and I spent a very good chunk of my $$ to buy a house that he loved and wanted, and then he spent his money and time to do the upgrades to it. I wouldn't have done this without being very committed and thinking he was as well. Turns out he wasn't, but then maybe he was and just made a series of mistakes. But then I don't know. I think he still blames me for his actions. And then I made the increadibly stupid decision of talking with his affair parnter. Ohhhh don't do that anyone who wants to know! It's terrible. I was so nice to her and just asking for a more honest accounting of events. She began with "well once I tell you the truth, you'll never take him back."

[kenmore]

And from my 10 x 10 room at a relatives house, I say hello back lol.

 

As these posts go on, I'm gaining more and more insight, and I want you to know that it hits home with me. Our situations are different, but our feelings are the same. I deny (there's that word again!) still caring for and loving my wife, but I still really do...please don't tell anyone!

 

I can feel the hurt in you. All my life I wondered how anyone could still love and take back a spouse who cheated on them. I could never understand it, but through your posts and others', I have come to realize it. It's just because you love them so much, nothing can get in the way. I always felt that was what would save our marriage. With enough love, nothing can make it stop, but apparently that was one sided. I can't know how he feels, but it may be one sided in your case too. Not trying to be hurtful, but just trying to make sure you don't put yourself in a vulnerable position inappropriately.

 

I don't want to go on about my wife, she's not here to defend herself and I have already been told once how I go on too much about her. I feel self conscious about it now. Also, this is not about her, it's about you. She is a teacher (and that's my last reference to her tonight, I promise), so I know how much spring break means! If you rip off your top and yell "SPRING BREAK" I won't tell. but it's good that you have this time to reflect and re-compose.

 

Asking how one gets through abandonment issues without vulnerability? You must take the offensive! You take a few weeks off (at least) from talking to him, and gather your inner strength. YOU are not the one who f*cked up (and sorry, I don't prescribe to the "he made some mistakes" mindset), he was. YOU did everything to make the marriage right. You bought into it as any normal committed person should. You put money into a house, working with his decision to go back to college, and I understand he put money into it as well, but he did not put commitment into it! He found happiness with someone else!

 

Now that I know you better and care for you more, I'm going to be more harsh. Sorry, I feel you need that, but with that harshness, I want you to know that it's because I'm caring more too. I'm beginning to understand your situation more and it is making me feel angry in your place. I know, it's not my business, and that's true. Nonetheless, I can't help my feelings, and I felt them from your first post.

 

So, if you feel you can stand that, go ahead and talk to me some more. I'm not trying to get rid of you, I'm trying to get to know you better and talk some sense into you (because so far, you don't seem to be having much.) Teachers are smart, they have to be, but I notice in every one of you a fracture. I know a lot of teachers through my soon to be ex wife, and they all seem to have those fractures. Most are awesome! (sexual vulerabilities) or just cute (English issues or just the inappropriate way they act.) but some just seem to have love problems. I don't mean to generalize, but hey, I found a website full of racist jokes last night, and OMG, they cracked me up!!! Sometimes generalization is good. And if I'm right, then it's good this time.

 

More hugs!!! and I hope you are sleeping well tonight.

 

Ken

[kenmore]

P.S., she was totally foulmouthed! Well, in Ohio, it's technically not "today" anymore lol.

Edited April 2, 2015 by kenmore