Does he REALLY want a divorce????

[Lizzy36]

Hey everyone, I've posted a few times about my agonizing journey through divorce in recent weeks, so wanted to post an update.

 

stbxH moved out couple months ago, been married for only a few years and we're both young adults.

 

We saw each other the other day for the first time in several weeks and after a brief period of no contact. The reason for meeting was to discuss logistics of the divorce paperwork, selling the house, etc.

 

I've been taking my counselor's advice to give him total control of the divorce process and have a calm/peaceful/polite attitude and agree with whatever he wants, which A. makes it less stressful for me and B. makes him sit with his decision.

 

Anyway, I carried that attitude into our meeting the other day, but I felt numb, expecting the worst...but HOLY CRAP....what actually happened I NEVER saw coming.

 

For the first time since he moved out, he acted like himself. We were both very warm and respectful to each other throughout the entire conversation, and I could see/feel--at least in that moment--that his anger and resentment toward me wasn't there.

 

a few times I could see him holding back tears....when I said "It seems like you've been doing fine", his response was "No, I'm not," and teared up again.

 

Then...when talking about our families, he BROKE DOWN CRYING!!! I've seen him cry maybe 3 times? And NEVER have I seen him cry like that.

 

We then got up from our seats and embraced each other in a big hug for 2-3 minutes, and he continued to sob (I cried only a little...I was just so shocked).

 

He said he didn't know why he was crying, and then grabbed his things, gave me another hug on his way out the door, while still crying.

 

I've NEVER seen him show so much emotion, and it was incredibly relieving and powerful to know he doesn't hate me.

 

However, I still fully expected him to move forward with the divorce process and selling our house. And so far, he's been doing that.

 

I just don't know what's going on inside of him...I don't know if HE even knows. Ever since "divorce" has gone from being an idea to actual reality, he's been acting different.

 

He's very decisive, emotionless and doesn't make decisions without thinking things through logically.

 

But....after seeing him cry, I just wonder if it's just good ol' grief of a loss OR he's too scared to admit to himself that he might be making a mistake (and feels like it's too late to go back).

 

Other thoughts, perspectives are much appreciated!!!

Edited March 30, 2015 by Lizzy36

[Mr. Lucky]

A week ago you'd come to this conclusion:

 

[quote=Lizzy36;6229424

He's also passive aggressive with an avoidant attachment style.

 

He really scares me when he's angry, not in a physical way, but his tone and demeanor seemed repugnant and abhorrent of me, extremely judgmental. It started out with fearing him on things like finances. And eventually, fearing what I did/said around him AND especially when out with friends and just in public in general (he always made sure I knew when I didn't behave myself).

 

But he's not the yelling/screaming/easily enraged kind guy, which made this extremely difficult to detect. He's very stoic, calm, steady, reserved, robotic, never know what he's thinking, rarely "loses his cool."

 

But over time, I picked up subtle clues when I saw his interactions with other people in his life. To their face, he's charming and low-key, very reserved. But when talking alone with me, I saw how arrogant he is and how extremely judgmental, critical and disgusted he is of other people's choices, behaviors and weaknesses.

 

And forgiveness? Letting go of the past, no record-keeping of wrongs? NEVER.

 

And it finally dawned on me recently: that's how he treats ME!!!

 

***siiiiigh****

 

I didn't love or respect myself enough to not let him treat me that way, though. It was also so hard to detect, and because he was my Knight, I figured "he's better than me anyway, so he's probably right" and I'd roll over and apologize, hoping I could earn my way back to the honeymoon phase someday.

 

Looking back, I'm astonished at how incredibly deep my denial had become. I'm shocked I didn't recognize how much I'd grown to hate myself, never trust myself or my own judgments, and willingness to take all the blame and be so controlled. And I'm shocked I continued to view him as "Mr. Perfect" rather than a human being.

 

And now, based on a few tears - with no other verbal communication or clarification? - you're wondering if you should "go back". What's changed about the circumstances that ended your marriage?.

 

You should at least be clear in your mind what you're hoping to achieve. Doesn't seem like that's happened here. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky