Divorce Agreement Changes?

[optomistic_nonsense]

Hi LS-ers. Have any of you here had to go back and adjust some things in your divorce settlement? My ex husband and I have been divorced for over 4 yrs now and since then, I have re-married and am due to have a baby with my husband this year.

 

My ex and I have a 50/50 custody agreement, however I am with my son when he is with me, and when he is with my ex, he is with his mother (son's grandmother) 95% of the time due to his work schedule. I am stating this because of the 2 changes I am looking at making to my divorce settlement:

 

1) During the divorce process, my ex wanted to pay 100% of the cost to send our son to Sunday school/cadicism. I am a very, very spiritual God-believing person, however I do not belong to any set "religion". My ex is a very loose and non-conservative muslim. I agreed this would be ok, however over the past 4 years, my opinion of this matter has changed as my son is in an Islamic Sunday school (3 hrs every Sun) and I no longer feel comfortable with this arrangement. Yes, I signed off on this 4+ years ago, but does a change of heart and increased concern with something get thrown out the window because 4 years ago I signed off on it?

 

2) Due to my ex husband's long hours and commute, he spends at most an hour with my son on the days he has custody. His mother (son's grandmother) is the primary care taker of my son when he is not with me, and many times my son sleeps over the grandmother's house because the ex just doesn't have the flexibility/time to keep my son on a more routine-like schedule as my husband and I do, and the ex is up too early and home too late, hence why my son many times just sleeps over at the grandmother's house. I just don't see the sense in this. Why should the grandmother be watching my son when I am perfectly capable and available to be there for him myself? I could understand more so if the circumstances were different with work schedules, etc, but....nowhere in the divorce settlement does it state the custody is between me, the ex AND the grandmother. It's simply between me and the ex.

 

I am obviously not expecting or asking for legit legal advice, but has anyone dealt with anything similar? If so, was it a long, painful, drawn-our process to make the wanted changes?

[amaysngrace]

I'm not a lawyer but it seems as though you're expecting a judge to place restrictions on your exH's parenting time since you're remarried and have a new baby on the way.

 

You were okay with religious ed until what? Isis?

 

Your son's dad can do whatever he wants with the child on his time providing it's not endangering the boy's welfare.

 

Tell me, how is your son being damaged by visiting his grandmother?

[optomistic_nonsense]

Hi, thanks for responding

 

There is most definitely no damage being done by the grandmother, I never said bad things were happening with the grandmother, my point though was that the 50/50 custody schedule was made so that we (me and my ex) both had an equal amount of time with our son. My ex's work schedule unfortunately doesn't allow for much time to be spent with our son, plus he coaches on the weekends, therefore the grandmother takes care of my son 90% of the time. I could be spending more time with my son rather than him needing to be babysat by his grandmother.

 

I will say, my husband and I provide more structure for my son. Unfortunately my ex husband has psychological ailments in which I hadn't been aware of (due to the fact that we hadn't lived together before marriage), and it wasn't until after we lived together I realized that things were not as they had originally seemed to me. By then I was already pregnant, attempted numerous counseling/therapy sessions to improve our marriage, but, here we are now.

 

I was ok with the religious aspect of things 4+ years ago based on what I thought was basic Sunday schooling from our pre-divorce discussions. He (my son) recently began learning things that I don't particularly agree that he should be learning, and the ex is trying to get into his head that Christmas and all other American-like holidays (Thanksgiving, Halloween, etc are bad and not to be permitted). These things all arose after the divorce, hence why over the past several years my opinions and feelings have changed.

[carhill]

Much depends on the meeting of the minds of the parties....

 

1. While not strict Muslim apparently, ex is of that faith and the child has been brought up in its teachings as many people throughout the world have. Would your ex be amenable to changing the child's faith this far into the deal? To put the shoe on the other foot, if you were raising the child Catholic, how would you respond to such a request? IDK.

 

2. It's certainly possible to modify the proportions of time the child spends with each parent and such an agreement could be ratified by the court. Again, meeting of the minds.

 

Most of my experience is with male friends who had to fight to get 50/50 in an era when few men did and few women would give it willingly. To me, you've got a pretty good setup and you've both apparently been pretty generous.

 

The age of the child might come into play depending on the number, both from the standpoint of what's in the best interest of the child and/or what the child wants, that presuming the parents can't meet on terms amicably.

 

If you had to pick one area to give on, what would it be?

[amaysngrace]

So you say your exH has psychological problems but you didn't know about them because you didn't live with him prior to getting married. Surely at some point during your marriage you became of aware of them though.

 

So why did you agree to 50/50 knowing that?

 

See where I'm going with this?

 

You also say you aren't comfortable with the religion your son is being exposed to. As a mother you should have researched it yourself before agreeing to it, no?

 

I'm not all that familiar with modifying a settlement agreement but I think it would be a hard thing to do based on what you're complaining about. But you can always contact your lawyer and run it by them.

[optomistic_nonsense]

Thank you carhill. As far as the religious aspect, I have faith that my son will be able to make his own decision as he gets older as far as that goes. I do not belong to a specific religion, so I am unsure of how I would react if the tables were turned, therefore, to answer your question - I would have to say that your point #2. In an entire month, I would say my ex husband spends roughly 4-6 full days with our son, so adjusting things in a way where a babysitter (the grandmother) wouldn't be needed would seem best to me.

 

amay -

I understand where you're going, however, the 50/50 agreement was the fair thing to do for our child. It was the fair thing to do to allow my son to grow up in a fostering environment that both me and my ex husband would be able to provide. At the time, that was the case. 50/50. Sadly, that's not how things are now given his work and coaching schedule which at the time had been different than now.

Have you ever research Islam yourself? There are so many sects, so much diversity to the religion. I minored in world religions in college and have a pretty good grasp on it as a whole. Over the past several years, things have changed (after the divorce was finalized mind you). I feel the standpoint on the religion has changed with my ex, and as I've noticed the change I've become less and less comfortable with things.

I am divorced now because I did in fact become aware of the problems. Hard to really know someone w/o living with them.

 

I don't think of this as me "complaining" so I would appreciate more respect and not use that term to describe what I am doing here. I am simply stating my issue at hand and asking for the opinions and possibly life experiences of others who may have run in to similar issues.

[carhill]

Parenting is usually a topic which brings a diversity of opinion so hopefully some of the many parents who've been divorced and worked such issues will engage.

 

From reading, it sounds like you'd wish to adjust custody from joint to you as primary with him having visitation to coincide with the periods when he actually spends time with his son. AFAIK, if that adjustment is made legally, meaning on the record, it can affect the child support milieu depending upon how your jurisdiction handles that stuff. As example, though most of my male friends paid child support due to income disparity regardless of custody percentage, as they moved away from 50/50 to the mother having a higher amount of custody time, the numbers regarding support grew as well, which makes sense, since physical custody has expenses attached.

 

Overall, how does the boy express his feelings about the whole arrangement? I'm asking because some of my friends have functioned as 'take up' parents for the grandchildren during various times of their lives and I got the impression the kids valued those times. Most are young adults now and doing their own thing but, never knowing my own grandparents (dead), I saw their interactions as uplifting. How does your son feel about that, since that grandparent time, in the everyday sense, would end if your new arrangement went into effect?

[optomistic_nonsense]

Because we have a 50/50 custody going on, there is no child support going on. I didn't feel the need for it to be honest with you. I work, and my ex works. I see it unnecessary for child support to be involved. It also tends to make things a bit messy between parties from what I've witnessed other deal with.

 

During the days he is not with me and my husband, he'll ask me on the phone when I'm coming to pick him up, or that he wants to play with his friends (the kids on our street), he misses the dog, etc. So...although he makes comments here and there to suggest he's more or less longing for our home. Believe it or not, there is little to no animosity between me and my ex's mother. She is a good hearted person I have a ton of respect for her, but she's also carrying for an elderly mother as well as another toddler all within the same household 4-5 days a week. She never ever once made mention of needing a "break" or whatnot, and I would never want to rob my son of visits with his grandmother, but the frequency I just don't see necessary when I am able to care for my own son.

 

I guess what it really boils down to is - nowhere in our custody agreement are the grandparents mentioned as having custody. The grandparent in this situation is a primary care taker/babysitter for my son when my ex is working. When school is out, I also pay her (the grandmother) money for groceries once a month to feed my son or I will buy my own groceries for my son and give them to her. I just do not see a need for this anymore with my availability.

[amaysngrace]

I don't think of this as me "complaining" so I would appreciate more respect and not use that term to describe what I am doing here.

 

I didn't mean to be disrespectful. Filing a complaint is the technical word, I believe.

 

I really think you should speak with your lawyer. They would know best if your concerns are worth pursuing from a legal standpoint.

 

Good luck.

[jakrbbt]

Might you consider a simple modification where you add a "right of first refusal" to the agreement, rather than formally changing the 50/50 arrangement? I'll clarify:

 

First right of refusal means that, when one parent expects to use third-party care for more than a certain number of hours (whatever you agree upon), then they have to first offer that time to the other parent. And I would not advise going for less than 5 hours, otherwise it gets difficult.

 

For example, if your ex were going to work for 6 hours and use Grandma to watch your son, he'd first have to call you and ask whether you'd like to have your son for those 6 hours instead.

 

The right of first refusal would go both ways. You, too, would have to offer the time to your ex before scheduling third-party care for your son for longer than X hours. In your case, I might make it 8 hours. The right of refusal will seem more fair, and less threatening, to your ex than a possibly permanent change in parenting-time.

 

In my jurisdiction, you can't get a modification unless you can show a "substantial change in circumstances." Possibly, the way the religious or school issue is playing out, could be a substantial change in circumstances.

 

And I can completely see why you agreed to what you did. I also understand your having reservations now. Unlike at least one of the comments here, I disagree that the school/religion issue is something you could have just researched to come to a set decision. These matters play out in such differennt, nuanced ways, and are very important. And because the whole point is to ask what is in the child's best interest, it isn't strictly a contractual matter. That's why, for instance, you can get a modification if there's been a substantial change in circumstances. Sometimes for example, a particular school turns out to be detrimental to the child given his or her temperament. You aren't necessarily expected to be stuck with that just because you "should have known." But whether you can actually show a substantial change in circumstances is another thing. So the answer is somewhere in the middle.

 

One parent changing their mind, might not be a substantial change in circs (or whatever your jurisdiction requires for changing the agreement). But one parent converting to a different religion, might be a substantial change in circumstances. So in that sense, a parent is not stuck with wherever they were four years ago. Child-rearing is a liberty interest and parenting agreements aren't enforced in a way that is identical to other contracts. Still, whether it's worth it to go back to court (and whether you'd get the changes) is another thing.

 

As consolation, I went to a religious school (Catholic) for 14 years. My mother (a non-religious, but spiritual person) always worried that I'd be indoctrinated, it didn't sit too well with her. But I have been far from indoctrinated, partly because I had a mother who wasn't. She didn't even have to tell me about her reservations or beliefs. It was enough that she was just who she was. I've gained an appreciation for philosophy, religion, and compassion that might not have been there if I hadn't had the education I did. But I'm probably no more religious than my mother is. I am not everyone, but just to offer you some reassuring perspective.

 

I know you must worry a lot about this but from the outside, it looks like a number of good possible situations for your child-- including the current one. If you don't get just what you want, know that you might still end up with something very workable for him.

Edited March 31, 2015 by jakrbbt