Alone for the first time ever

[Canadamom]

I'm 29 and a mom of 3 kids ages 10, 8 and 3. I have not had the best marriage in the world. We have been together since I wad 18. We fight a lot and it has almost always been on my mind that I wouldn't be with him forever. That I couldn't be treated that way for the rest of my life. So last week I told him it was over and all **** hit the fan. He called me a few times at work to tell me he was going to kill him self. Which my dad did when I was 6 so that is not something you just say to me. Then the cops got involved because he took a gun out and got the cops called on him. He had a no contact order with me and the kids. This is the second time this has happened. First time was 2 years who and IT was a domestic issue. Not something I ever thought I would have to go through. And promised my self I would never let it happen again. He is very verbally abbusive. Have literally called me every name in the book and tried his hardest to hurt me when we fight. I have depression and anxiety issues and have my whole life. I don't need that. So why do I feel so sad and lonely. Like something is missing and wrong even though I Am happier since he's been gone. I've got so many mixed emotions and dong know how to cope. I just need some people to talk to who have gone through this before.

 

Thank you

[benjamin100]

I'm 29 and a mom of 3 kids ages 10, 8 and 3. I have not had the best marriage in the world. We have been together since I wad 18. We fight a lot and it has almost always been on my mind that I wouldn't be with him forever. That I couldn't be treated that way for the rest of my life. So last week I told him it was over and all **** hit the fan. He called me a few times at work to tell me he was going to kill him self. Which my dad did when I was 6 so that is not something you just say to me. Then the cops got involved because he took a gun out and got the cops called on him. He had a no contact order with me and the kids. This is the second time this has happened. First time was 2 years who and IT was a domestic issue. Not something I ever thought I would have to go through. And promised my self I would never let it happen again. He is very verbally abbusive. Have literally called me every name in the book and tried his hardest to hurt me when we fight. I have depression and anxiety issues and have my whole life. I don't need that. So why do I feel so sad and lonely. Like something is missing and wrong even though I Am happier since he's been gone. I've got so many mixed emotions and dong know how to cope. I just need some people to talk to who have gone through this before.

 

Thank you

First of all I want to tell you that you are an excellent mother for getting out of this damaging relationship. The effect on the kids if things were getting violent and unruly would have been so devastating. I too, have serious problems in my relationship which involves children 18 and 8. Read my story it's a good but sad read.

 

Why do you feel sad and lonely? I think when you have been with someone since teenage years then all those maturity stages have been experienced whilst with him. I was once told by a counselor that as humans we hate change, we prefer the stability of routine so because this is the first time you have been on your own since being so young then it's a new world. I have major depression and anxiety issues and I really know about the black holes they are deep and overwhelming.

 

I think you have lot of courage and strength so you must build on that strength to get out of the hole. You have the kids which are probably the most effective and worthy distraction to how you feel. I suggest doing more activities with them and focusing on their love for you. Children can give us amazing strength. I also think at 29 you have still a lot to give so think about the day when you feel you want to meet somebody else - it could be an exciting journey ahead.

 

You have more to be happy about than sad. You have got rid of the poison from your life now focus on the kids and look to the future. Lean on your friends thru dark times. God bless and the best of luck. I respect you immensely.

Edited March 27, 2015 by benjamin100
grammar

[jakrbbt]

One of my favorite people was raised by a single mother, who had him when she was 19. She left her abusive alcoholic husband and then she left her abusive alcoholic second husband. Her son (who would also have been 10 when she was 29 and leaving her second husband) is now all grown up. He's a mild-mannered, intelligent, responsible computer scientist. He treats women well because he saw his mother leave her abusive partners and do her best as a struggling single mom. She didn't hate her exes or even keep her kids from them. But she struck out on her own and ran an in-home day care. I keep thinking, how in the heck did that woman do it. I'm 38 and a lawyer and I still worry about whether I can raise my son ok as a single mom. This woman did a fantastic job.

 

You are like her. You're not "alone." You're not a victim. You're a strong and valuable person who has been through some things that weren't your fault, and you're the stronger for them. At 29. you are youthful and will be for a long time. Some women look and feel their youngest at 40. It sounds old now I bet, but it's not!! You have tiiiiiiime to be picky. PICKY about men. Nice! Go outside, look at the sky and count your lucky stars.

 

Your husband might get very controlling and I want you to remember two things. First, it's all about the kids. (Don't worry, you'll be fine too even if you make your decisions based on them for now.) Second, the courts know that it's all about the kids. Act with integrity for your children and you will be backed up. Double-check with child experts or family court experts if you're not sure what's best for the children.

 

Don't feel alone. This is the beginning. You would have been lonelier by far, staying with someone forever who mistreats you.

[Fleur de cactus]

Sorry you are here. What you feel right now is normal. A heart that used to love someone does not heal easily. It is like the wound caused by the love that was removed is open still and continues to hurt. The gap does not close quickly because you wish that it would not turn the way it did. But be strong, better to leave abusing relationship before it is too late. That man sounds selfish, he wanted you to stay with him just for him and not for both of you. He wanted to be happy thinking that he own you. Take baby steps, you are young and deserve love and happiness and not someone who devalue you. Be strong one day you will be glad it is over.

[Decisiontomake]

He called me a few times at work to tell me he was going to kill him self. Which my dad did when I was 6 so that is not something you just say to me.

 

 

^This - totally shocking and terrible. So sorry that he used that to hit you emotionally where he knew it would hurt. I'm glad you've found this site - as the other posters have said, you're not alone and you will be fine. It's a rollercoaster of emotions you'll be feeling right now so take one step at a time, and keep posting.

[DSP]

Hey Momma

 

You're not alone. Not at all.

 

There is a whole bunch of internet strangers that are here for you.

 

Wish you lived closer so I could come down and drop off some books for you.

 

You are separating yourself from an extremely toxic person. You may not understand it, but deep inside you know it. That person was/is very flawed and no amount of love was going to fix that. Right now at this point in your life getting your children away from that situation was the best move you could make. Your eldest is going to thank you in many ways moving forward. Not all the time and not every day, but you just wait and see. Life is a marathon not a sprint.

 

The anxiety and depression you feel is normal. This might be odd to read, but you are actually healing and repairing from your dependencies. Nothing wrong with being dependent on another person. You're dependent on your eldest to smile and contribute to your happiness. That is healthy.

 

You're not alone.