LostFeelings Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Hi guys. My story: My husband and I have been together about 8 years, married going on 3. We had the typical romance, we fell fast and hard. I can say looking back there were times where I wish I had it in me to call it quits but for some reason I was weak for him and I feel like I lost a little bit of my self during the relationsHip. There were instances of serious lies early on, questionable situations, mistrust , etc. It's a lot and I don't really want to bore you but if anyone needs the back round info to provide advice I will give it. One thing I will mention is that he gave me genital herpes from an oral cold sore that he didn't realize was coming on. So being a young woman with herpes has also altered a lot of my decisions. Fast forward to present day. We are married and have a 3yo son. I have these feelings of unhappiness and constant uneasiness in this relationship. I feel like a lot things that he has done have caused these feelings and no matter what I can't trust him. Don't get me wrong we have had great times and he is an excellent father but I almost feel like I don't love him anymore. We fight a lot and almost live like roommates that have sex a couple times a week. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this.....I don't know if divorce is the answer but if so I also wonder how will I cope with dating with a permanent Std. Any advice please....do I sound crazy Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 No, you don't sound crazy at all. Quite the opposite. You sound like perfect candidates for couples counselling, though. You may yourself benefit from individual counselling first. You need to get back that 'little bit of yourself' that you feel you've lost. Then you will be more able to decide if you want the relationship to continue or not. From reading what you've written, it sounds like your relationship is 'untidy' by virtue of the fallout from unfortunate events. It might be possible to tidy that up and move on from it. Some individual counselling would be a good place to start. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 You sound like perfect candidates for couples counselling, though. Good advice. LostFeelings, would you be surprised to hear that your husband probably feels his own version of the same disconnect? With a 3-year old, you have a lot to fight for. Counseling would help you understand what it will take to stay together... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Torn_and_Confused Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Wow, I cannot believe how similar our situations are (even down to the STD). I'm struggling myself to decide if divorce is the right option, I know I still care for my wife, but I am not in love with her anymore, this I am sure of. My biggest struggle is the fact that I cannot bear to be away from my 3 year old daughter. She's the only thing I look forward to at the end of the day. To make matters worse, my wife is 6 months pregnant with my son. This pregnancy was unplanned and I was debating this decision long before she became pregnant. To be honest, our sex life has been virtually non-existent since the birth of my daughter, I can count on to hands the amount of times we've been intimate in the last 3 years. Now with expecting another child, I feel even worse, I mean what kind of guy files for divorce from his pregnant wife? I have tried telling her how I feel numerous times in the past, and have even suggested counseling, but she will not hear it. Because of this, I have been battling a bout of depression the last couple of years and she does not seem to be truly understanding of this either. Basically any communication turns in to a blame game and we go around in circles getting nowhere. Anytime I try telling her how I honestly feel, I am blamed for having ulterior motives like I just want to live like a bachelor and do anything that I want with no responsibility which is definitely not the case. I love my children and I love being a dad. I've wanted to try to work it out for the sake of my children but at the same time, I just don't think I have it in me anymore at this point, I'm physically and emotionally exhausted and I know it's starting to take a toll on my health as well. I don't want to have my children grow up thinking this is how a marriage should be, but I don't want them growing up in a split home either. I don't know which is the lesser of two evils. I just don't know what to do Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I felt that indecision was the worst. I also felt-- and still feel-- that lack of trust is a painful deal-breaker. However, trust can absolutely be built up. That is especially true if both spouses are willing to talk about lack of trust. If lack of trust is based on an infidelity theme, take heart. I know infidelity is very painful. But it is different from the kind of betrayal where someone actually wants to hurt you, exploit you, take your money or your child, talk about you to someone else and connive to bring you down, manipulate you, et c. Those are all things that happen in some marriages and divorces. If lack of trust is based, not on infidelity but on the partner wanting to actually harm you or keep you from your child or such, I've seen people come back from that too. It's based on anger and anger can be resolved. If lack of trust is based on him being manipulative, then keep a journal and take note of his actions rather than his words. And don't make yourself crazy trying to anticipate him. And forgive yourself for getting involved with a manipulative person. (Now I want to note, most people manipulate from time to time; a manipulator is someone who does it habitually and as their main way of interacting with others.) And finally, if it's infidelity, know that that is about him, not you. Not everyone can live with infidelity. Most cannot. Most see it as a betrayal, not juts a human weakness. And when the cheater lies about their infidelity, it's sometimes because they don't want the ugliness of getting "caught" and sometimes because they actually don't want to hurt the spouse and lose the relationship with the spouse. What matters is that you do not have to stay in a relationship that isn't monogamous, if you don't want to. That is one hundred per cent your choice and you can detach from a non-monogamous spouse without anger. You didn't expect it, didn't sign up for it, and you can choose not to be part of it. Easier said than done, i know. I wish you the best. I hope you can work it out together but if you can't, there are so many ways that can be ok too. Link to post Share on other sites
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